letters from the wasteland...

so this is me. too old to feel this lost. too young to just be giving up. such a loner. one who loves being around my friends. wanting to fall in love. the only one that keeps me from having the love that i want. it's right there, it's mine for the taking. but for every inch i move closer to obtaining it, the panic kicks in and i knock us off course ruining any of the progress that we've made in the four and a half years we've known one another. loyal to a fault. unforgiving when that loyalty is messed with. he got four chances, she only got one. it should have been the other way around. i loved you, in my own messed up way and that allowed me to allow you to walk all over me, and my heart. music makes me insane. i own hundreds of cds, but that's never enough. i love discovering new music. finding a new song can totally make my day. when i find that song i listen to it over and over, a hundred times until it becomes a part of me. felicity both broke my heart and made me smile. i love the creek and alias too. i have a not so secret obsession with justin timberlake. i'm such a twelve-year-old little girl when it comes to him. no matter what cd i get into i always find my way back to tori's "scarlet's walk", "almost happy" by k's choice, tonic's "head on straight" or "so happily unsatisfied" by nine days. i just discovered frou frou this past month, sigur ros two months before them. my job makes me sad, tears me down a little every day, but i really like the people i work with. and i just bought a new car, so for now i'm trapped in this career of sadness. i'm a concert junkie, and have the inability to say no. i still want to see pete yorn, howie day and john mayer. no matter how broke i am they're on my list of "ones i'm allowed to see". and don't forget matchbox twenty, cause it's just what i do. when they come to town i'm there, always. every time i start to think that i'm falling for you i find myself terrified to call you, or even answer the phone when you call me. i have a great family and three best friends that i would do anything for. i decided at the end of 2002 that alcohol really isn't a friend of mine and decided to stop drinking. almost three months later i'm more okay than i thought i would be without it. maybe one day we'll chill again, but for now my goal of three months has turned into one of six. much like my liking of the male gender my quitting of the drink has been kept from my friends. i will never forgive her for trying to play me the way that she did. i will never forget all that she did, the lies she told, and the mess she tried to make out of all of our relationships. i will never like her as a friend. i will never like her as a person. but i'm over it all and just ready to move on. i'm ready for some changes in my life and i think i know the one to start with. i just hope i can find the courage to make it happen...