dearest b,

hi. i've been thinking a lot since i last saw you the other night. that was, wow. well, it was what it was. before things go any further i need you to know a few things. i need you to know that i'm still not over you. i'm still not over the mess you left for me to handle alone three years ago. i pushed you out of my head, my thoughts, but not my heart. i thought i was strong. i thought i was making some progress. moving on, the whole closure thing. but here you are. back again. calling, emailing, needing me again. just like before. what the hell? you have no right to come back here. to me. it's not okay for you to ask me how i've been. it's not okay for you to ask me what i've been up to. who i've been dating. i hate you for coming back and trying to just pick up where things were so abruptly left unfinished. i hate myself for sitting there across from you, aware of all that you are, and still not stopping myself from drowning in you all over again. the casual brush of a knee. the way your hand reached out towards me. the smile. the look. that damn song. everything there, right where we left it three years ago. you sit there talking and my mind is racing trying to make little lists of the things i'm going to do for you, buy you for your birthday and christmas. what the hell is my problem? it's you. it's always you and only you. i'm a normal, sane, sensible person every other day of my life. i have other friends. other people in my life. i've dated others. not a single one of them affects me the way that you do. you have this charm. this ability to make me feel drunk off of just being around you. you allow me to believe, in only a matter of seconds, that everything is okay between us. i go from listening to you from behind the wall i've built around my heart to keep you out, the wall that's keeping everyone out; and within minutes i'm clawing at the stupid wall, trying my best to scale it as quickly as possible, in the effort to reach you on the other side. minutes. and in that time you actually have me believing that we truly will run off together this time and start a new life in another city. the same plans we made eleven years ago when we were just stupid little kids. and then again four years ago. i believe that we really are going to see RENT together because every time it comes around you think of me and how much i love it and how much i want you to see it. i believe that we will see that movie together next wednesday. even after you ask me to go you start to back peddle because you remember that you have a big project due the next morning. i believe you. i believe it all. i swore that i would never let you back in again and out of nowhere it was as if i wasn't even in control of the situation at all. how do you do it? better still, why do i allow you to do it? please be careful with me. i don't know how many breaks my heart can recover from at your expense.

j