nachos and paltrow...

so H and i did the dinner and a movie thing last night. just a few reasons why i love her:

*because when i say that i have two songs, no wait make that three, for her to hear she immediately knows that they will all be on different cds.
*because as i'm turning left at the sign that says no left turns she calmly asks, "are will still on the road?", rather then screaming because she knows that we're up on the side walk.
*becuase she just laughs when i say, "that's what suvs are for".
*because she can single-handedly make chili's regret naming the dish, "bottomless nachos", but still allows me to share them with her.
*because she puts up with my five minute decision on where the safest place is to park the above mentioned new suv.
*because waiting for a table for twenty minutes isn't a big thing when you can sit there and comment on everyone else in the place and not think less of one another.
*because she keeps coming back for more...

so after a day of 80 degrees, being out last night was a major shock to the system. 30 degrees just doesn't work after a day like friday. but we still managed to have fun and laugh so hard at the entire night. we saw view from the top and yes it was dumb, and lame and predictable. but it was so much fun. we laughed a lot, and i would see it again without hesitation. HE called me a couple times last night while we were out so i of course missed the calls. he just wanted some company on his drive home, it would have been nice to talk to him. timing and distance, that's all it ever comes down to for us. maybe one of these days we'll get things right.

some randomness upon my return from shopping...

it's not a good idea to wear a red polo shirt when you shop at target because many people stop you and ask you for help assuming that you work there.

the store name "Once Upon A Child" is so disgusting. i know it means that the clothes are second hand and whatnot, but seriously couldn't they have found a better name?

does it mean that i am self absorbed because i like to watch myself sing in the rearview mirror in my car while driving down the road? i like to see my teeth and chapstick covered lips groovin' to the music. maybe not self absorbed, i guess dork is the better word.

it was 80 degrees today, our warmest day of the year so far. windows down, flyin' down the road with a little linkin park blaring. spring has arrived...

what's that you say? 40 degrees tomorrow? snow on sunday? what happened to summer and fall? we're back at winter! only in ohio.

give it up baby, i hear you're doing fine. nothing's gonna save me, i can see it in your eyes.

i once peed in a bathroom beside this guy named angie aparo. it was in the second sickest public bathroom ever. it's one giant sink type thing that everyone pees into together, standing side by side. so disgusting. second only to the place that has a similar setup but with a door that faces you as you pee, so anyone walking by faces you as you are peeing. i'd like to meet the brilliant mind behind that idea and then pee on him. anyway, angie is a sorta known singer. a year after the "bathroom event", as i like to call it, faith hill released the song "cry" which he wrote. i ended up loving the song so much that it made me want to pee the first time i heard it. i find that an interesting twist of fate. maybe it's ironic, i'm not sure. much like my love alanis and winona ryder's character in reality bites, i have a hard time nailing down a working example of that word.

oh, and p.s. and all that...

i miss you too.

your text messages and voice mails from the last couple days have made me smile. you always seem to know exactly what to say. exactly what i want to hear. exactly what i need.

are you ben or are you noel? hmm, i wonder.

that's all from the mental patient for tonight.

because i need you more than you need me. because i want you more, i know. i'm sorry, please forgive me. but leave me if you want.

things are crazy around here lately. like fourteen hour work days crazy. like i'm feeling all anti-social like crazy. i didn't crawl into my bed until 6am today. the sun was up, damn happy birds were chirping like mad. now i'm all messed up. i thought today was friday and wednesday at different times today. perhaps this is what it feels like to be a mental patient, this strange fog that i find myself in. perhaps i am a mental patient. that would suck. it would be like the last season of felicity when she gets locked up 'cause everyone in her life thinks that she's crazy because she thinks it's a few years later than it actually is. she knows she's not crazy, but no one will believe her. and she just reaches a point where she's too tired to fight EVERYONE in her life any longer. so she just gives up and starts to think that maybe she is crazy. but then ben saves her and she realizes that they are meant to be together because the one she thought she loved didn't believe her, but the one who betrayed her really was there for her in the end. and just when things start to look up for our precious heroine, the plug gets pulled on her story, her bags are packed for her, and we never hear from her again. such is life i guess.

so i saw sigur ros on sunday night with dawnski. being with her is entertainment enough. i never see her anymore. we used to be around one another all the time, but now i'm lucky if i see her once a month. i gotta change that. anyway, the concert was pretty sweet. i wasn't sure what to expect going into it and it definitely wasn't a let down. we had a nice time. car ride home, late at night, windows cracked a wee bit, music blaring, a yelled conversation over the songs. good times. i always walk away from her: with a new song that i was exposed to, feeling that life really isn't all that bad, and plenty of laughs to keep me smiling until the next time i see her. however far off that is.

as for now i'm going to try and find something to entertain me. i wonder if i'll sleep tonight considering that i've only been awake nine or so hours. i had so many plans for the day that my stupid job robbed me of. so the main event of my day was cleaning up my computer. i simplified my desktop now and deleted all the crazy pictures and settled on just one. i feel good about that. john mayer in a sea of white, i feel very good about that. maybe i'll have some more wacko dreams like the ones i had earlier. shoplifting, ice cream from a stranger, my best friend, the perfect gift, my dad, and kissing a sick boy from high school. that part alone was enough to frighten me awake.

after the longest winter ever, spring is finally here.

and what a happy boy i am. two reasons:

guys in sleeveless t's everywhere i turn.

blasting a lil' JT & X-tina with the windows down with my new killer sound system.

and a little will & grace to end a perfect day. karen walker makes me smile.

10 random things that annoy me off the top of my head...

* people who eat mac & cheese with a spoon

* pleated khakis

* people who turn the corner on my side of the road

* am i the only one not interested in the next american idol?

* lifetime, "television for women", i watch the golden girls late at night

* seeing previews for the new travolta flick "basic", and hearing the voice-over dude pronounce it as (bay - sack) huh?

* the death of buffy

* dropping my cell for the 38th time, son of a... make that 39

* people who chew or swallow anywhere near my ear

* the mail lady who folds my mail, it's a magazine not origami!

i tried to make my way to you, but still i feel so lost. i don't know what else i can do...

tonight i found myself an Angel fan once again 'cause two of my favorite girls in the whole wide world were on it. faith made a second appearance and willow showed up tonight as well. how happy was i? by the end of the episode i was applauding like the twelve-year-old little girl that i am because willow was heading back to sunnydale WITH faith. what? there's a war going on? but faith and willow are on right now. i'm such the pop culture junkie, especially when it comes to my shows. buffy, the creek, and alias...i'm so hooked. and now the creek and buffy are going the way of felicity, roswell and popular. sigh, why do all the good ones have to die so young? oh yeah that's right to make room for more "I'm A Celebrity Who Just Married A Celebrity That Never Really Was A Celebrity To Begin With Who Just Ate Some Bug And Then Did Something All Crazy Like While Being Filmed While Acting Like They Never Knew The Camera Was Even There" reality kinda crap that seems to be jumping up everywhere. while i am a Big Brother junkie, i could do without all the other reality trash, and if this continues i'll be forced to go from reading one book a week to two or three.

in other exciting news i saw my first preview for the lizzie mcguire movie tonight. lizzie wha? you ask. i know, the movie is obviously being targeted to the ten year old fan base that watches the show every week on the disney channel, but hey i watch it too. it's so cute, it's like a boy meets world with a girl as the lead. and it's funny and it's touching at times, and i will be the oldest kid in line for my ticket when that movie comes out.

and now for something completely different...since my last post i've talked with "my main village man" twice. the first time was after our st. p's day outing. we talked for a couple of hours until i was ready to pass out. i like falling asleep while talking to YOU on the phone. it just seems right. so by 4:30 in the a.m. i was a little past tired, so we said our goodnights. and then i talked to him for a wee bit tonight. he had some other things going on so we made it brief. every time i talk to him i'm more confused but more sure of myself and what i want than i was the day before. he's the right one for me, i don't know what i see in him at all. he's perfect, just what i need. he's not right for me at all. i'm so confused. if i taint this and lose him i'll be lost for good, i know that. i've done it before, but this is the one that counts. i'm so afraid of being happy and i don't know why that is. it shouldn't be this hard. i hear it in his voice, he thinks that my holding back has something to do with him, that it's his fault. it's only me, it's always me. i'm the one to blame.

...i've got nothing left to say, just take me away.

look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay a while...

it's weird seeing a girl that you used to date. someone you really haven't thought much about for a really long time. it's even crazier to see her standing there with a two year old baby in her arms.

so we did the bar thing again tonight. it really didn't last long. we were the youngest people there by about twenty years for the first hour or so. old people party early. we were there early 'cause they wanted to grab a bite to eat. after the hundredth song from the 80's we decided to call it a night and go back to b's. that was more fun then any bar could ever be. laughing our collective asses off at each other while watching yet another unfunny installment of SNL. what's up with the show now? and why is it that jimmy fallon seems to be the only one laughing at his jokes? x-tina was on though so that was cool. b decided for us that we will be going to see JT & x-tina's "justified & stripped" tour when it rolls into town. like i'd say no to that? come on. and there i was a mere eight hours earlier feeling sorry for myself because i didn't have anyone to go with me to that concert. funny how things work out. and i got my tickets to see pete yorn in may as well. guess i can now cross that one off my list of things to do. i'm just the happy boy tonight. well that's all for now, i have a phone call to return...

even longshots make it, just don't come home too soon...

could it be? is it possible? is spring really here? or was this all an elaborate hoax to get me out of my winter funk? 'cause i'm gonna be all shades of pissed if we get a freak snow storm tonight.

i gave my baby a bath and she's all tucked in for the night. i love her so much, she's beautiful. i've been dying to clean her out on the inside, but it's been so hard to do with piles of snow all over the ground. it makes it harder to kneel down and reach her dirty little parts that way. and for all you pervs out there my baby is my new SUV, not a real baby. i love her when she's clean and smells all fresh and new again.

i had a hot date tonight. so hot in fact that i got home a little after 7pm. nah, it was just dinner with my wonderful mother. i enjoy our time together. tomorrow night i'll let my inner party animal out when i go out with the beautiful kelley girls. we're doing the bar thing. riddle me this batman... when i was all about getting my drink on, we never ever went to the bars because no one was ever into it. i had to drag them all there kicking and screaming. "it's too smokey", "it's too expensive", "too crowded", they'd clamor on. now however i no longer drink and that's all these lushes want to do. oh well, what can you do? i love my time with them so i'll suck it up and drink my water and laugh my ass off at their drunken behavior. it was fun the other night, it will be again.

i got a text from him tonight, so i'm assuming that he's back in town. he was out of commission due to a death in his family for the last week so we've been out of contact. what am i saying? we're always out of contact. i'm always too afraid of said contact. so i maintain my hermit-like status and live my life reading about everyone else's lives rather than taking a leap and living my own again. he's trying, he always tries. he tries and then feels bad, feels like he's smothering so he says sorry and then leaves. i tell him it's fine i like him around. i want to hear from him. i want him in my life. he cheers up, comes back. and the sick cycle starts all over again. i'm the one that keeps it the way it is, the way i complain about, the way i hate because i'm so afraid. i have no one to blame but me and still i continue to feel sorry for myself. i wish for something more. i crave a better way, but i'm the one standing in the way. not him. he's giving me the opportunity to find some courage and make the move. it's right there for the taking. my heart tells me to just close my eyes and jump, knowing that he's waiting on the other side. but my mind comes up with 25 reasons why it's not gonna work. in reality there's only one that truly exists, me.

letters from the wasteland...

so this is me. too old to feel this lost. too young to just be giving up. such a loner. one who loves being around my friends. wanting to fall in love. the only one that keeps me from having the love that i want. it's right there, it's mine for the taking. but for every inch i move closer to obtaining it, the panic kicks in and i knock us off course ruining any of the progress that we've made in the four and a half years we've known one another. loyal to a fault. unforgiving when that loyalty is messed with. he got four chances, she only got one. it should have been the other way around. i loved you, in my own messed up way and that allowed me to allow you to walk all over me, and my heart. music makes me insane. i own hundreds of cds, but that's never enough. i love discovering new music. finding a new song can totally make my day. when i find that song i listen to it over and over, a hundred times until it becomes a part of me. felicity both broke my heart and made me smile. i love the creek and alias too. i have a not so secret obsession with justin timberlake. i'm such a twelve-year-old little girl when it comes to him. no matter what cd i get into i always find my way back to tori's "scarlet's walk", "almost happy" by k's choice, tonic's "head on straight" or "so happily unsatisfied" by nine days. i just discovered frou frou this past month, sigur ros two months before them. my job makes me sad, tears me down a little every day, but i really like the people i work with. and i just bought a new car, so for now i'm trapped in this career of sadness. i'm a concert junkie, and have the inability to say no. i still want to see pete yorn, howie day and john mayer. no matter how broke i am they're on my list of "ones i'm allowed to see". and don't forget matchbox twenty, cause it's just what i do. when they come to town i'm there, always. every time i start to think that i'm falling for you i find myself terrified to call you, or even answer the phone when you call me. i have a great family and three best friends that i would do anything for. i decided at the end of 2002 that alcohol really isn't a friend of mine and decided to stop drinking. almost three months later i'm more okay than i thought i would be without it. maybe one day we'll chill again, but for now my goal of three months has turned into one of six. much like my liking of the male gender my quitting of the drink has been kept from my friends. i will never forgive her for trying to play me the way that she did. i will never forget all that she did, the lies she told, and the mess she tried to make out of all of our relationships. i will never like her as a friend. i will never like her as a person. but i'm over it all and just ready to move on. i'm ready for some changes in my life and i think i know the one to start with. i just hope i can find the courage to make it happen...