one small year, it's been an eternity. it's taken all of me to get here, through this one small year. the hands of time that pushed me down the street, that swept me off my feet to this place, and i don't know my face...

it's crazy what one year can mean. i'm flipping through the channels last night and i come across my best friends wedding. love that movie. so i stop. yes i own it, yes i could watch it sans commercials, but i don't. so many great lines. so many favorite parts. rupert is so good in that. i love that he gets the girl in the end, even if he really doesn't get the girl. life should be more like that.

so i begin to realize that i just watched this movie not so long ago, when was it? wow, it's been a year. a year to the day. that's really weird. a year ago was the big night out for T's birthday. the night i bailed on all my friends and opted to stay home alone instead. sad. drunk off my ass. i put the movie in and felt sorry for myself, all alone in the dark. shortly after that is when the weirdness that existed between us, between best friends, really became obvious. we told one another exactly what was on our minds, and nothing has been the same since. it just really caught me off guard to realize that all that happened a year ago this weekend. and the same movie was playing. i was terrified of the thought of losing her. i was wrecked when i did lose her. i never thought that i'd survive the day when we'd stop being friends. but after a year of attempting to move on, i find myself in a much better place. a much saner frame of mind. when you quit someone without so much as a second thought you can't really have meant too much to them. when you can be cut out and replaced with another, your existence can't really have been all that valuable to begin with. all the lost time. dropping everything to run when she called. putting off time with other people for another time cause they'd always be there, she was the one that mattered. you know what, they're not always there. things happen when you take relationships for granted. people move on without you, people die. and i can't make up for the time i wasted with her, time i should have spent with them. i know she wants to make a fresh start of things, a second shot at friendship, but my heart's just not into it. a year ago, drunk in my bed, watching rupert and julia i was ready to say yes. a year later i'm happier without her. wow, i'm happier without you. it feels good to say that. it was much better watching it this time, without you in my life, sober (3 months and 12 days and counting)...commercials and all. don't get me wrong, i hope you're happy. i know you're not, you probably never will be, but i wish it for you all the same. take care. and yes, i do realize that 'we'll never be the friends that we once were', and yes 'that probably isn't such a bad thing'. but you know what, in my heart, we probably won't be friends period. and that's okay, i'm happy with the way things are.

i like what rupert says at the end of the movie, "life goes on. maybe there won't be marriage, maybe there won't be sex, but by God there'll be dancing". if only rupert would just come to dance with me.

more randomness

i just spent the better part of four hours whipping my collection of 600+ cds back into shape. ever since i moved a year and a half ago they've been in an ever worsening state of disarray but i FINALLY did it today. i made my music time line a la high fidelity and put them back in the order in which i bought them. i felt as though i was on the verge of losing my mind a time or two, especially at the start of my project. now however, after wasting all that time, i feel as if something in my life is in order. i feel good about my project. i also realized that when i first started my collection i had really crappy taste in music. i never really was exposed to much back then, and i was in the eighth grade so you'll have that. and my listening selection was far more gay in high school than what i listen to as an adult.

what's better than hearing one of your favorite songs by a local artist on the radio on your way to the DQ? hearing your other favorite song by him right after it and realizing that it's part of the friday night block party on my favorite station.

kyle from the real world chicago just signed a three year deal with the soap days of our lives, a show i grew up watching but gave up several years ago when it went all wacky. he starts in may, and i have to admit i'm curious to check that out.

felicity season 2 comes out on dvd in june! i was worried that maybe i was the only one to buy season 1 and they wouldn't release the other three, but now it looks like i'll be a happy boy once again. well, i'd be happier if by some freak occurrence the show suddenly came back on the air next fall, but we all know that's never gonna happen. i'll just sit here with my fingers crossed hoping that keri will become a regular on alias 'cause i miss seeing her on tv every week. hey, stranger things have happened...

all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throw-aways. i don't like it. it's good to be in love...

flip flops are making a big comeback.  i remember wearing them as a little kind, and not thinking much of them. in recent years however i've found them to be totally disgusting, but then you see some hottie sporting a pair and then you start to think, "maybe i could pull them off".  surely not.  but something about them is calling out to me.

my manager got me a calendar for my wall by my desk.  it's a "puppies" calendar.  puppies of the world unite or something like that.  it was just a little too gay for my liking hanging there on my wall.  so i paper-clipped a picture of justin timberlake over the dogs! much better.

don't you just love it when you put a song on someone's mix cd and then later you talk to them about the band and that person says they've never heard of the band? i suppose i'm guilty of the same thing.

my two recent obsessions:

james on the RW/RR challenge, i've loved him since his season, but fell for him again this season.

and frou frou's cd "details". i can't stop listening to it.

a white trash picnic...

so me and ms. k did the stay in and chill thing last night. it was nice, something everyone needs to do once a month on a saturday night. so we wore our track pants, that's as close to trailer trash as we were willing to get, and we got taco bell and watched a flick. lets just say that while one hour photo and the michael jackson special are two things that go together, they really are two things that should be kept apart. one hour photo was just creepy and made me feel like i needed a silkwood shower after i sat through it. and the MJ special is just too sad to even go into. ms. k's resident stalker put in an appearance as well. the months that she's spent describing the oddity that is him to me really didn't do him justice. there was a knock at the door, instinctively we both knew it was him before she answered it. he walked in. i said hi. he ignored me, only had eyes for her. so i turned my attention to the tv and listened while she was cold to him. after a few long long minutes he got the hint and said his goodbyes. he left, we laughed a little. i asked her if he had a gun, yes was her reply. i told her it was nice knowing her cause i was fairly certain he'd be waiting for me in the bushes when i left. we laughed some more. then we took the entertainment weekly pop culture quiz that i was terribly excited about. we were trying to rate how high on the scale our pop culture tourettes placed us. we both did pretty well, i of course edged her out by 15 or so points. i mean it is me we're talking about here, my head is filled with useless knowledge and little else sadly. so after channel surfing until about 2am, and thoroughly being creeped out by the MJ special, i decided to head home. as of this moment ms. k's stalker has decided to let me live a little while longer, so thanks to him i guess. so the whole "spring ahead" daylight savings thing really got to me, along with my late hours. i hate to admit it but i spent the majority of this day in bed. and when i was awake i did little more than watch movies: maid in manhattan and the truth about charlie to be more specific. and now that the day is slowly coming to an end i feel very rested, guess i won't be getting any sleep tonight. guess i better find another movie. night ms. k, wherever you are...

"when you're alienated from the people who care about you, you start to look other places..."