"i call because i just need to feel you on the line. don't hang up this time. and i know it was me who called it over but i still wish you'd fought me till your dying day. don't let me get away. 'cause i can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me, so i can say this is the way that i used to be. there's no substitute for time, or for the sadness."

how do you go from being someone's everything one day to being completely out of their life the next? you would think that you could feel the void, the emptiness, that their absence has left in your life, in your every day. but after some time you just don't. they're just gone. they're just someone you used to know. and one day, for some reason, that no longer feels like such a bad thing.

"i am wanting, i am needing you here. inside the absence of fear there is this hunger, this restlessness inside of me and it knows that you're no stranger, you're my gravity..."

i want to be able to make those words about a person. but the only home i can find for them is with a feeling.

a feeling i had ten years ago this fall:

a feeling i had when you sat across from me, a complete stranger to me. i'd known you for years. we were inseparable for so many of those years. i had the pictures i had the memories to prove that you were once this huge part of my life. you were one of the few who helped me become the person i was a few years later, sitting there across from you. but time and i'm not sure what else, had made us strangers. there you sat in a completely different body. the same beautiful gray blue eyes. the same gap between you two teeth. the same pronounced crescent moons on your fingernails. the same smile. those dimples i'd know anywhere but you were different to me. you were different to us all. but still i let you back in. one smile, i swear i only took half of a step, and i fell. i fell deep into the sea that was you. and it took me ten years, my head barely above the water to fight my way back out. my way away from you.

a feeling i found again five years ago this past summer:

you were new to me. you were exciting to me. a taste of the unknown. i became real. i became honest. and instead of attaching myself to something toxic as i had before i now became the disease. i am the disease. you give and you give. you wait. you sacrifice. and for what? for someone who isn't ready yet to be with you. someone who may never be ready to be with you. not completely. not 100%. not in the way you want me to. not in the way that you deserve.

if either one of you would have been right for me than we would have been together. we would be together. right? you wouldn't have held back. i wouldn't be holding back. it's not fair to do to you what he did to me. i'm holding on to something that really isn't there. keeping you from finding it with someone else.

i do know how to love. i just haven't found anyone that i want to love. i loved the idea of you both. i loved different parts of who you both were. i just didn't love you. i don't love you. there's someone out there that will get those words one day. someone who truly will be my gravity...

-who understands why owning 600 cds just isn't enough.
-why it's okay to see the same bands in concert over and over every time they come to town. or even three nights in a row in three different towns on the same leg of the tour.
-why it's okay to get a little tear in your eye when the perfect song begins to play in the background of a movie or a tv show. a song that can somehow sum everything up, everything that words could never convey.
-why loving JT is completely normal.
-why the world must stop for alias, everwood, will & grace, and ellen.
-who gets that i'm a total movie junkie as well.
-who understands that i really am just a 12 year old little girl deep down inside when it comes to anything at all that i'm truly passionate about.
-who understands why i associate the perfect love with autumn and something stupid i saw on a soap opera once when i was a little kid. something i haven't been able to force out of my head after all this time.
-who doesn't think it's strange that tori's a sorta fairytale and vertical horizon's (gray sky morning) best i ever had both take my breath away every single time i hear them as if i'm just hearing them for the very fist time. even though it's more like time number 900.
-who wants to be with me every single minute, but understands that i crave my alone time and is okay with time apart.
-who wants to be with me exactly the same amount that i want to be with them. no more no less on either of our parts.
-who understands and is okay with the fact that from time to time all i want to do is be a hermit and just hide from the world.
-who smiles at my stupid lists like this one, not finding them weird.
-who keeps coming back for more.

i heart ellen degeneres.

how cute was she last night line dancing in her lil' cowgirl outfit to madonna's music? anne heche is pure evil for breaking ellen's heart. don't get me wrong, i was an anne fan way back in the day. i grew up with her on another world when i'd be home sick from school watching it with my mom. and walking & talking is one of my all time favorite movies. but dear anne, i just can't look at you the same ever since you used ellen the way you did. i'm sure you're losing a lot of sleep at night knowing that i'm here hating on you and all but i felt that it was something i had to get off my chest. anyway, ellen seems to have rebounded nicely. i bought her new book today, can't wait to start it.

10 random songs that i love:

1. honey and the moon - joseph arthur
2. a sorta fairytale - tori amos
3. the dumbing down of love - frou frou
4. anna begins - counting crows
5. each little mystery - seven mary three
6. hang - matchbox twenty
7. joey - concrete blonde
8. good enough - sarah mclachlan
9. absence of fear - jewel
10. collide - howie day

more time out of town for me this weekend. ms. k and i drove down to see p for some fun. we did the tailgate thing early on saturday and met up with some of his friends. his one friend chris is too adorable for words. something tells me i'll be making a trip back to visit SOON. tailgating was fun, standing around in 40 degree weather drinking ice cold beer packed shoulder to shoulder in a group of crazy football fans. i was there for the beer. there were so many people there. at one point while we were squeezing our way through the solid wall of people ms. k looked back at me and said, "i think we're making our way to the hell mouth now!" too funny she is. we also had to laugh at the airhead behind us on her cell. the school colors are red and grey. so she's trying to meet up with her friend's and she tells them that she's wearing a red sweater and a black jacket. sweetie, so was about 85% of the crowd that was down there. something tells me she's still standing around waiting for someone to come and find her. anyway after the game we met up with some more of p's friends and had a nice dinner. it's nice when you can sit around in a group of strangers and feel totally comfortable and welcomed. ms. k and i were discussing that on the drive back. after dinner we decided to just get drunk at p's and watch some movies and eat some cookies. they picked punch drunk love and eight crazy nights. i loved punch drunk love, no surprise really. i love paul thomas anderson movies. i bought it a couple months back i just never got around to watching it. eight crazy nights was actually much better than i thought it would be. cute, and it made me laugh. some of the songs were a little long and annoying, but i guess that's to be expected with adam sandler. it was a bit disturbing for me to see so much of myself in the two characters he played in the movies. one was sad and disconnected from the rest of the people in his life and the other was unable to let go of things from his past that was causing him to become so angry and bitter towards everyone and everything. i guess we're all a little broken in our own ways. like d once told me, "everyone's crazy in their own way it's just that some people hide it better than others". so we spent this morning watching the stone temple pilots dvd and burning some songs to cd for me to take back home. as always you can't have a visit with p without leaving with an armful of new music. he's like my own personal drug dealer. i'm glad we went. i'm glad that i put my funk on pause long enough for me to enjoy the trip.

the goods:

pink - try this
basement jaxx - kish kash
fuel - natural selection
pearl jam - lost dogs
stone temple pilots - thank you
coldplay - live & a rush of b sides to your head
no doubt - the singles 1992-2003
outkast - speakerboxxx
alien ant farm - truant
sponge - for all the drugs in the world
rooney - rooney
flickerstick - to madagascar & back ep
the damnwells - bastards of the beat
3 doors down - another 700 miles ep

"i never needed light.

i never felt like i was right.

did not deserve the love i knew.

so i still can't explain what i had to do, to try and make it since your red lips turned blue."

"it's my life don't you forget..."

some random thoughts:

spoke with HIM the other night. yeah yeah, i know 'bout damn time i returned some calls. things are good. i still have no idea what i want, and i'm starting to think that i never will. but just having him in my life is really enough to put a smile on my face.

i can't stop listening to the new sarah cd. honestly i can't get off track #8.

plans for the weekend trip with ms. k are still up in the air at this point. to be honest i wouldn't mind staying home and just catching up on some sleep but it has been a while since i've seen her. i never get any sleep anymore now that oxygen runs ellen's show at night. i try to turn it off but she's too funny to resist.

okay, am i on drugs or is the new spokesperson for wal-mart really a talking gingerbread cookie? who's the ad genius behind that one?

tara reid is on scrubs this week. i love her so. she's no christina ricci or parker posey, but still a love all the same.

and damn everwood was so sad this week. just the look on amy's face when she was trying to explain how she felt like she was on the outside looking in, not knowing how to make herself feel like she was part of what was going on. i know how she feels. i've been having moments a lot lately where i suddenly realize that i'm driving to work or i'm actually at work just going through the motions not feeling like i'm part of the reality. then again having a job pretty much sucks anyway, so maybe i'm better off in my world of daydreams.

"...it's my life, it never ends."

"so leave me be, i don't want to argue. i just get confused and i come all undone. if i agree well it's just to appease you, 'cause i don't remember what we're fighting for."

i'm a shallow horrible person. all i talk/think about is you. now there's this "new guy". this "new guy" that totally consumes my thoughts, my everything.


i am a shallow horrible person.


i'd drop everything for said new guy. i'd drop to my knees for said new guy.

"every time you were expecting to reach out and forgive this, i was hardened by the look upon your face..."

so you called.

so i'm avoiding.

again.

why do you waste so much of your time trying to make this work?

why can't i just leave it at the friend thing and allow you to move on?

why do you have to be miserable just because i am?

there's something so wrong with a sitcom that tries to be dramatic and serious. i loathe the phrase, "a very special episode". i run out of the room screaming when i hear those words used to describe a show that i turn to for laughs. seeing the mom on 8 simple rules... answer the phone and then fall apart when she hears news of her husband's death just doesn't sit right with me. i guess it's just hard to find entertainment in something that looks too much like what i really lived through. i never watched the show before, seeing that isn't going to make me start.

i would have given you all of my heart, but there's someone who's torn it apart. and he's taken just all that i had, but if you want i'll try to love again...

a four day weekend in chicago.
several drunken conversations.
one mini crush.
and so much rising to the top, but not quite reaching the surface where i'd be able to explain why things are the way they are.

at times i hate myself so much that i guess i punish you because of the love you feel for me. i can't love myself, so how dare you.

just another case of one step forward three steps back.