hey kids,

howie day is coming back in february. just in time for my birthday. i so can't wait.

i know that i said make yourself at home while i was at work and you're staying at my place for the holidays, but i didn't expect you to look through my dresser drawers. sorry if it gave you a little shock seeing that one porno and my queer as folk dvds sitting there. but all the same i hope that you found whatever it was you were looking for. hmm, christmas dinner might be fun.

"i loved you for exactly who you are. and i'd say you've come the nearest yet by far. and i can lie next to you, but i can't lie to you. so walk into the sun and watch me run into the rain. for you the future's easy so don't weep, for me it's getting steep."

so i bailed on dinner last night. B informed the group that i was pretty sick from the night before so they figured that i wasn't going to show. ms. k texted me and said they were about to enter the hellmouth and asked why i wasn't there. i called her and informed her that she said the hellmouth was in another location before and there couldn't possibly be two. of course she was drunk so she just laughed it off. i told her that i was about five minutes away and i'd see them soon. so we all met up at the coffee house and made our entrance together. everyone was surprised and happy to see me. who knew i was so damn popular? the "band" was already performing so we'd missed the first few songs. we all stood around and said our hellos, hugging one another, talking loudly, oblivious to the fact that we were there to see the band and not one another. it was nice to see everyone again. for whatever reason that's been happening a lot lately. ms. k and the boyfriend, T and her fiance, paul, dave and ellen, mel, mindo and billy, B, and gina the former best friend. once we sat down we talked the entire time we were there. an hour or so later, with the start of the last song, we realized that we had missed the whole show. i guess that was for the best. unlike every other time we've heard eric sing, no natural disasters took place this time. we've survived two tornados thanks to the fury that his voice stirred up. anyway, we survived this one. after the concert he invited us all back to his place but we headed to a bar instead. we broke off into two groups, the sit at the bar group and the play darts group. the former best friend dragged me along to the dart board to be her partner. i believe that we were hustled by ms. k and the boyfriend. i throw like a girl and was lucky to get half my darts to even stick to the board. it was kind of embarrassing because the girls that were playing were throwing better than i was. in spite of my bumpy start we ended up winning the first game. after i warmed up and realized how hard i really needed to throw the stupid dart i was finally able to get us some points. however i had no concept of how to play the second game they picked so i just tossed the darts at the board. i really was just concentrating on getting them to stick. so needless to say we lost that game. yeah, we had a big fat zero for our score. oh well, it was fun and at least i gave them something to laugh at. B wore the new jacket i picked out for him and he looked so cute in it. i got a couple of nice comments about my outfit for the evening as well. yeah i new it was hott when i threw it together, so it was nice to hear that. and yes i really am that shallow. nah, just a dork who likes the attention. anyway, my baby sister is almost here for the holidays. she should be in within the next hour. i can't wait to see her. not sure how much blogging i'll be doing over the next week or so. not that what i write is all that interesting anyway, but you'll have that. it doesn't look like i have any fake dates set up for this week so there really wouldn't be all that much to talk about anyway. i'm still a little freaked by what B told me so maybe that's for the best. i was fine around him last night but since we were in the two separate groups we didn't really have that much contact anyway. it's crazy and i know i'm being stupid but it's bugging me. i guess it's my own fault for building him up as my perfect guy in my head all these years. i'd compare everyone else to him and of course they could never live up to the perfection i thought he was. and then when he dropped the bomb on me i just wasn't sure how that fit in to how i've seen him all these years. i know that he's not perfect, i know that. it's just that to me he was the perfect guy, and what he shared with me just makes me see him as a little less. like i told him the other night it's just going to take me a little time for me to try and wrap my mind around it. i still love him, that part hasn't changed. and i know i always will.

we had a time, oh yes we had a time...


after finally locating a copy of wig in a box, six stores later, i headed off to meet B. he seemed pretty excited about it, i guess he'd been trying to track it down ever since i told him about it. so that made me happy. we did a little shopping, he wanted me to play dress up with him. i like the way he dresses but he seems to think that something is lacking in his appearance. he's just the hottest guy i know, but whatever. he's under the impression that i'm such a great dresser, so he wanted me to put some things together for him. it was cute watching him look at things and try to match things up, showing everything to me to see if i liked what he picked out. too adorable he was. then we hit thirsty dog for some dinner. it was nice to sit and talk and drink a little. we looked like we were on a date. we were all dressed up, me in a black dress shirt, him in a black sweater. that's twice now that i've arrived at his place only for him to change into something similar to what i had on. everyone wants to be cool like me. i hope everyone thought we were on a date cause we looked hott. har har. anyway i did see this cutie at the restaurant that looked exactly like this blogger whose site i've been reading. he has pictures on his page. it was really odd, i kept staring at him. i think he thought i was interested in him, but i was perfectly happy with my fake date. so we left the restaurant and decided to hit our new favorite bar. favorite because it's within walking distance of B's place. it was packed last night. we went the week before and there were only about twenty people, but last night we were lucky to find a seat. we sat and drank and flirted with our adorable waitress, she loved us. i think she wanted to be on our fake date too. we harassed her because we picked out songs on the juke box, after she told us we'd hear our songs, but we never did. when we left she stopped us at the door to say goodbye and we told her we were leaving because she lied to us about our songs. we're so cool. oh yeah, and hott too. dorks. we were trashed by the time we left there, and i was broke again. so much for my fifty dollars lasting me for one week, i made it two days. then we stopped at the gas station right next to the bar and bought more beer because we just weren't drunk enough, and headed back to his place. then we sat and tried to focus on a movie but our drunken ADD took over and we gave up after ten minutes. i was hoping that the sight of james van der beek and ian somerhalder making out would inspire B to reenact it there on his couch, but sadly we never got to that part. so he played the guitar for me and sang a little and i swooned. we played some cds for the next couple of hours picking out songs for each other. we talked a lot, i don't remember much of what we talked about. i think i invited him to go with me to see gavin degraw next month. he taunted me with his story of how he met adam duritz and hung out with him for a bit. i decided that our fake date was over at the point. but then i forgave him because that's what us twelve year old little girls do. and i am a better dresser than he is. he told me a lot of crazy things about himself that i never would have guessed and i'm still trying to process all of it. you'd think after twenty years you'd know someone. he knew he blew me away with all of it, but i told him that it didn't make me think any less of him. i'm a little rattled, but i'll get past it. it won't make me break up with my imaginary boyfriend, we'll still fake date. it could make things a lot more interesting in the next few months. so we called it a night. i started playing music obnoxiously loud, he came out of his bedroom and turned it down. he went back to his room and i cranked it back up. i got scolded again, i'm such a brat. my drunk insane mind decided that i must kiss the boy and see where that would take things. so i went to his bedroom. he asked me if i was okay. i lost my nerve. i left his room and he came out after me asking me what was up. i said i forgot what i wanted, man i suck. he asked me a few more times if i needed anything and said i new where to find him if i remembered what i came into his room for. aside from that, and waking up at 8:30am puking my guts out and falling asleep on the bathroom floor until noon, the night was a lot of fun. and now i'm supposed to head out and meet everyone at the coffee house to hear an old friend perform. this should be fun, oh wait i mean boring. i'd rather be on another fake date.

"and even through this heartache there's something i have learned i hate to see you hurting. and when you heal what's been burned, open up your eyes. i know you will see that someone like you needs someone like me."

then you start to think about him and how you can feel him crawling back into your heart again. you can feel it, you want it, it scares you to death, but still you want it all the same. and you email him and he emails you back telling you that friday would be wonderful. and you hope to yourself somewhere in the back of your mind that friday truly will be wonderful.

half way through my vacation: a recap


so saturday night was so much fun. me and the amazing ms. k did our typical dinner and a movie thing. we discussed sharing a personal trainer as we ordered healthy and sipped our sewer flavored water. even the lemons couldn't save whatever it was they were serving us. i suggested just stalking a trainer a la grace on will & grace, it would be much easier on the budget that way. she laughed and then said maybe we should look into doing something like that. we've both been on a major health kick this past year. sixty pounds lighter and at my goal weight i still haven't achieved the perfection i dreamed of when starting this a year ago. so i need some hottie barking orders at me and showing me how to tone up. so we'll see what comes of that. by the way we saw elf and i loved it. will farrell is too adorable in that. after watching that i decided that i'm going to start answering my phone the way he does in the movie: "buddy the elf here, what's your favorite color?!?", too funny.

on sunday i didn't really do too much, just tried to plan out my upcoming week off. watching the simpsons pretty much was the highlight of my day.

monday i met the former best friend for lunch. she mentioned something about hanging out a while back so i thought i'd give it a shot. we had such a nice time. it was nice that the ten years without talking, the anger, the hurt and the misunderstanding could all just melt away in a matter of seconds. no lie. it was as if we were the same friends we were back in high school and i'm really glad that we both made the effort to move on. i'm going to love having gina back in my life. so we met for an early lunch and she suggested the frozen cosmos. never having one before, or a normal cosmo for that matter, i was in. the glasses were as big as my head, i kid you not. two drinks later i was drunk at 11:45am. i've never been drunk that early before. yes i've been still drunk from the crazy that took place the night before, but never freshly drunk so early in the day. another reason why i'm gonna love having gina around again...gurl knows how to drink. totally buzzed we went our separate ways and promised that we'd make lunch a regular thing. i drove around for a bit trying to figure out what i wanted to do with the remainder of my day. half an hour later i was back home on my couch watching ellen trying to shake the buzz. damn what was in those drinks? gina was convinced that they were trying to get her drunk so they could bang her in the back. she said that mine had something in it to knock me out so i wouldn't object to what they were going to do to her. damn, why couldn't it have been the other way around?

anyway, monday night i spent two and a half hours on the phone with adam. this stupid distance thing just sucks. don't get me wrong, i think the world of him, it's just that i'm starting to need a little more than all that. the conversation went well, i just don't know where to go from here. he's been in my life for five years. that must count for something, right? i mean if it wasn't something significant then why would we have invested this much time? there are easier ways of making things work, but we're putting forth the effort, that means something. it has to.

so tuesday i slept in late and passed on the errands i promised myself i'd run that morning. i never sleep anymore so it was nice to catch a full eight hours and just be a bum. i showered and then headed off to meet sasha for lunch date number two. we had these kick ass turkey and roasted red pepper sandwiches that i'm still thinking about...gotta go back there, soon. so after our late lunch she asked me what i was up for. i told her the choice was hers. that was my first mistake. a few moments later she was dragging me kicking and screaming through the wal-mart parking lot towards the doors of hell. okay, so i wasn't kicking and screaming, but i did feel sick and a little dirty. the people. the mess. i felt like i was in someone's basement looking at all their crap that just happened to be marked with price tags. too bad the cosmos from the day before weren't a part of that equation, it would have made things much easier to tolerate. i did check out this cutie that worked there. he was in a shirt and tie, i was wondering why he even bothered. maybe it was a part of some white trash outreach program. maybe he was fighting a losing battle by trying to bring some class to wal-mart. who knows. now those who know me know that i'm in no way bold at all. if i see a cutie i look a few times then look away and giggle like a school girl if they should happen to look back. but for whatever reason i was feeling bold that day. i guess it was the superiority complex that shopping at wal-mart gave me. so i saw him from a distance away. we walked towards him, i kept looking. he looked back, i kept looking with a smile. we walked away, he kept looking. we came back around, i spotted him again. did the eye contact thing again, as did he. then we walked right next to him, my eyes on him the whole time, his on me. then we left, he kept looking. i smiled and then threw him back. i mean he works at wal-mart, i mean come on. the poor dear. but hey if you should happen to be reading this and you're the hottie in the burgundy shirt and tie call me...when you transfer to target. so after that we hit the movie theater and saw love, actually. that has to be the best movie i've seen all year. well, i don't know about all year, i'd have to think back. but definitely the best movie i've seen in months. it ended and i wanted to sit through it again. i loved it.

on wednesday i picked up one of the two last things i needed to buy for christmas. how is it that every year everyone in my life agrees that we'll cut back for said year, and every year somehow i end up spending more? i don't see it stopping anytime soon. i'm a gift giving junkie. what can i say? so while i was out in the snow i thought i'd catch the matrix: revolutions. yeah, i know everyone has seen it by now. well, everyone but me. and from the looks of things i'm thinking this is the last week for it to be playing around here. so i figured i better check it out while i still could. it was good. i like the way it ended, a happy ending after three movies of lots of darkness. i walked out with a smile on my face thinking that maybe things really can work out no matter how impossible the situation may appear at the time. i know it was just a movie but i felt like the positive spin at the end was speaking to me and all the thoughts i have swimming around in my head about the whole B mess. maybe i'm not just kidding myself, maybe this will finally work out the way i want it to this time. it's early yet, so who knows. all i do know is that i'm willing to let him back in again. and i'm willing to see where things end up this time. good or bad, i know i'll be having fun. i always do with him.

so today was more shopping, target this time. i'm almost done, i swear. i'm just trying to track down a copy of wig in a box for B. his eyes lit up when i told him about it, now i just need to find it somewhere. i've looked all over and i guess i'll just have to settle on amazon. i had hoped to have it to give to him this weekend, but what can you do? as for now i'm on my way out for a birthday dinner with some work friends. my friend offered to pick me up, so that means lots of drinks for me tonight. *trust*

my vacation is almost over. sigh. at least i'm having a good time. who knew that being social was so much more fun than my normal hermit-like existence. well i'm out the door. more terribly exciting updates to follow soon i'm sure...

"did you always know?"

"no, but i believed."

"if i bent like you said was best, would that change a thing? if i spent myself till nothing was left, would you still leave me here? you're so sorry about it all, now that it's over. should i thank you for that?"

i love, let me repeat that, LOVE buying a new cd.

i love it when you hear one song from that cd, or even just hear about the dude and that's enough for you to make an impulse purchase. so you're all like what the hell i'll give it a try. and you get it home and you find this one song, the whole cd blows you away, but there's this one song that gets you right there. and you press play. then you hit repeat. and twenty plays later you feel the song begin to fit like a well worn, broken in pair of favorite jeans. and then the words hit you a little harder, and suddenly you realize you're sitting there listening to that song with a tear forming in the corner of your eye.

dearest b,

hi. i've been thinking a lot since i last saw you the other night. that was, wow. well, it was what it was. before things go any further i need you to know a few things. i need you to know that i'm still not over you. i'm still not over the mess you left for me to handle alone three years ago. i pushed you out of my head, my thoughts, but not my heart. i thought i was strong. i thought i was making some progress. moving on, the whole closure thing. but here you are. back again. calling, emailing, needing me again. just like before. what the hell? you have no right to come back here. to me. it's not okay for you to ask me how i've been. it's not okay for you to ask me what i've been up to. who i've been dating. i hate you for coming back and trying to just pick up where things were so abruptly left unfinished. i hate myself for sitting there across from you, aware of all that you are, and still not stopping myself from drowning in you all over again. the casual brush of a knee. the way your hand reached out towards me. the smile. the look. that damn song. everything there, right where we left it three years ago. you sit there talking and my mind is racing trying to make little lists of the things i'm going to do for you, buy you for your birthday and christmas. what the hell is my problem? it's you. it's always you and only you. i'm a normal, sane, sensible person every other day of my life. i have other friends. other people in my life. i've dated others. not a single one of them affects me the way that you do. you have this charm. this ability to make me feel drunk off of just being around you. you allow me to believe, in only a matter of seconds, that everything is okay between us. i go from listening to you from behind the wall i've built around my heart to keep you out, the wall that's keeping everyone out; and within minutes i'm clawing at the stupid wall, trying my best to scale it as quickly as possible, in the effort to reach you on the other side. minutes. and in that time you actually have me believing that we truly will run off together this time and start a new life in another city. the same plans we made eleven years ago when we were just stupid little kids. and then again four years ago. i believe that we really are going to see RENT together because every time it comes around you think of me and how much i love it and how much i want you to see it. i believe that we will see that movie together next wednesday. even after you ask me to go you start to back peddle because you remember that you have a big project due the next morning. i believe you. i believe it all. i swore that i would never let you back in again and out of nowhere it was as if i wasn't even in control of the situation at all. how do you do it? better still, why do i allow you to do it? please be careful with me. i don't know how many breaks my heart can recover from at your expense.

j

"you're dangerous, i'm loving it. i'm addicted to you, but you know that you're toxic. and i love what you do but you know that you're toxic."


you're hurt. you're broken. your sad eyes betray the forced smile that you present to everyone.

i know you're leaving. i can hear it in your voice. i see it in that look that flashes across your face. i never thought i'd get the chance to know you all over again. the chance to fall for you all over again. your heart is broken but mine is now full. but what should i do next? allow myself to let you back into my heart, knowing that you're not sticking around for long? go with you like you asked me to do last night? i know the only way to keep you is to follow you. one thing is keeping me here. a million other things are telling me to go.

i know i'll lose you. i'm destined to lose you. it's happened at least three times before with you. you'll go away. and i'll be the one left standing here holding the broken pieces of my heart in my hand, wondering where you went this time. everything that you are, say and do makes it so easy for me to just forget about the past three years. forget about why we've been apart.

"i thought you were special, i thought you should know."

making it through work today on four hours of sleep and that not so fresh stale beer smell following me everywhere are not my ideas of the perfect day.

sitting across from you, drinking you in again three years later, feeling like not a moment had been missed between us, hearing my song played for me on the juke box thanks to you are my ideas of the perfect night.

"then i see you standing there, wanting more from me, and all i can do is try."


so the blizzard of 2004 is upon us. 8-12 inches by morning. i'd love 8-12 inches by morning. he he. only with snow is that considered such a bad measurement.


i had yet another doctor's appointment today. at least i know that his kids will have a smashing christmas this year thanks to all of my visits in the past few months.


my friend B is going through some rough stuff in dealing with his recent breakup. ms. k and i believe it's the best thing for him, but of course i'd never tell him that. you really never want to hear that the person you've spent the last three years of your life with was a mistake. and that everyone could see that except for you. he's better off and one day his big heart will be put back together again. he's an amazing person that has always sold himself short. it's only a matter of time before he finds someone that appreciates him for all the great things he already is instead of all the great things he could maybe one day be, with a little help.


ever have one of those days where you just felt sad? sad for no real reason, just sad. sad for the love that you have inside of you that you're dying to share with someone else. sad because things happen every day that you really have no control over. sad because you ended up in a place that you never meant to be. sad because you have so many things that you are finally ready to change but you're just not sure where to start.


"all of the moments that already passed, we'll try to go back and make them last. all of the things we want each other to be, we never will be. and that's wonderful, and that's life..."

hey kids,

guess who was recently dumped?

guess who just sent me an email to let me know of said dumpage?

guess who's about to get into a bunch of trouble, all over again?

*trust*

this should be fun...