"a long december and there's reason to believe that this year will be better than the last."


we had fun last night. party at ms. k's mom's house. it was nice. of course b was there. of course we got drunk together. of course we were such brats. i love being around her. i whispered to her, "i love it when we're drunk and bratty together". she smiled and i knew i was in trouble. ms. k made a big tray of jello shots, her specialty so b thought it would be funny for us to race and see who could eat the most. we were two fools sitting at the table scooping out jello with measuring spoons, the first things b found in the drawer. needless to say my plan of just having one or two drinks and being able to drive myself home flew out the window as we ate the entire tray. i never saw the ball drop. does that mean this year won't count? the last thing i remember was playing simpson's jeopardy at the table with everyone, not really drunk yet. then the jello kicked in. next thing i new i had the sensation of sleeping on a very hard surface and i assumed that i was asleep on the kitchen floor. i woke up, looked around me and then freaked out, having no clue as to where i was. turns out i was in a bedroom, on the hardwood floor not in the bed, but in a bedroom all the same. i puked on the floor and had dried vomit in my hair. so much for my attempts at being elegantly wasted. i was all sorts of messy. damn the man. all i could think of was the part in the wedding singer when drew vomited in her own hair and that made me laugh. i'm not sure if i dreamt it or if the other B, the object of my affection, made an appearance last night. i know that he was invited, and i know we sat around talking about how rude it was of him to bail. but for some reason i have this weird memory of him walking in last night. i'm really hoping it was a dream because who knows what i might have said to him if he truly was there. so after my embarrassing walk of shame to join the others this morning, i headed home and did nothing at all today. i ate lunch, messed around online, read some blogs and watched will & grace and queer eye. all of this down time has given me the chance to sort some things out in my head. i spent most of the day dreaming of a different life. one where i'm happy. one where i'm in love. one where i want to try and make it work rather than running away and hiding. i'm just not sure how to get there, or where to even begin. i thought about taking a road trip. just me and my car and a lot of great music. i could go to adam. i could visit josh in boston. i just need a change of scenery. nothing permanent, just something to wake me up and help me get back on track. the theme for this year is change. i spent last year working on my exterior, this year i need to fix the broken pieces that are inside of me. i'm tired of making excuses for why my life isn't the way that i want it to be. i'm the only person standing in my way. i'm the only one to blame. and that's just something that i'm not going to put up with any longer.