five years ago

five years ago tonight i couldn't sleep. the night before i was out with rachel, melanie and my other favorite people in the world at that time. i was happy. i had met some people that i truly fit with. we spent the night out like we usually did: running up a tab as if we were trust fund brats, getting entirely too acquainted on the dance floor, me grabbing rachel's boobs because she of course first grabbed my crotch repeatedly, and ending our night back at melanie's place all piled in her bed and on the floor. and little deon, her kitten, curling up with all these crazy drunk people. i remember wasting most of the following day at rachel's house, watching her do her hair, while i waited for her to drive me back home. i lost one of my favorite shirts somewhere in that twenty hour span. i remember realizing that i had plans with ms. k later on that night. i remember rachel finally pulling into my driveway several hours later, dropping me off with about thirty-five minutes to get ready to meet ms. k. i remember being hungry, not having anything but beer in the previous twenty hours. i remember seeing my dad. i remember the look on his face. it really stuck with me at the time for different reasons. i found out later that i wasn't just imagining the look that he had on his face. i was in my mother's room on a different occasion and i saw something scratched down on a piece of paper about the very same look on his face that i saw. to me, at the time, that look made me think that he was very happy about something, or content maybe. but at the same time i saw the look on his face that he was once again let down by his son who still found new ways of fucking up. at the time i was too weirded out by the whole thing to stick around and figure out which one it really was. but now i'm pretty sure both thoughts were right. he brought dinner home for my mom because he knew that i was going out. i was getting something to drink before i headed out and she was putting some groceries away. as i shut the refrigerator door i looked up to find him just smiling at the two of us. i remember asking, "what?" feeling guilty. i remember him just smiling and saying, "nothing bub", he always called me bub. i remember shrugging my shoulders, kissing my mom on the cheek and heading off to pick up ms. k. thinking about it now for the first time i'm glad that i left. up until now i've always felt so horrible and guilty for putting myself first and just leaving. but i'm happy now. they needed the time alone together. it was how it was supposed to be. how it started, how it ended.

i remember having the strangest feeling the entire time i was out with ms. k. i told her more than once that i felt odd and i just figured it was the previous night's debauchery that was to blame. i remember getting home late. i remember everyone else being asleep. i remember crawling into my bed knowing that i had to be at work in a few hours. i remember having a slight panic attack in my bed, trying to shake it off. i remember not being able to fall asleep at first. i remember later waking up a little uneasy, feeling that someone was in my room. i knew something was off but i had no idea what it was at the time. i remember hearing my dad walk down the hall towards the bathroom. i remember getting up after both my parents were gone. i remember getting ready and leaving for work. i remember working for a few hours. i remember sitting at the table in the back with crissy. i remember rachel telling me that i had a phone call. i remember thinking that was odd. i remember her telling me that it was an emergency. i remember telling her to shut up because she was never serious about anything. i remember the look on her face, knowing that she was this time. i remember feeling sick as i walked to the phone. that was probably the last thing that i can honestly say that i remember. i did answer the phone. i did panic when i heard my dad's voice saying my name, knowing that something was wrong with my mom. i remember finding it hard to shake the fog and confusion that was settling in when the voice explained who he was and what was going on. i wasn't talking to my dad, my dad was the one that something had happened to. i was told that it was bad. i was told that i needed to get there as soon as i could. i remember having no idea how i was going to find where "there" was. i wrote down directions, not knowing that i was, but finding them later and realizing that i did. i remember being both calm and freaked out as i drove for what seemed like four hours. i guess it was about forty-five minutes in reality. i remember hearing third eye blind sing "how's it going to be" and i knew that this was when my life was about to change. i remember thinking that my coat wasn't nice enough to go into a hospital so i exchanged it for the one that was in my back seat i remember walking down the longest hallway i'd ever walked down. i remember getting to the end of it and seeing all these faces staring back at me. these strangers who seemed to know who i was without question. i remember my dad's boss walking up to me and handing me my dad's watch. i thanked him knowing that my dad would be happy to get it back when i finally got to see him. and then i turned and finally saw my mother. she looked like she was five years old and i was terrified as she walked towards me. i think i said "where's, what?" not really knowing what i was trying to say. i remember her breaking down and telling me that he was gone and that she was sorry. i remember hugging her, looking over her shoulder and seeing my dad on a bed. i have no idea how much time had passed. i remember saying no when she asked if i wanted to go in and see him. i remember becoming an adult. i remember just feeling older and thinking that this was the day that people spoke of when they said that one day you just woke up feeling like an adult, it wasn't something you made an effort to become, it just happened. i remember thinking that.

i remember going to the phone and calling everyone that i could think of to let them know what had happened. i called my two uncles and my aunt to let them know that my mom needed them. i remember my sister walking in on all of this, having no idea what was going on. i remember her crying and saying "oh my God" over and over again. i remember wondering if the hospital chaplain was offended by her saying that over and over. i remember the look on his face that said to me that he understood. i remember walking into my dad's room and seeing him motionless on the table. i remember thinking that wasn't really him. i remember feeling as if he was standing there with the three of us looking at the body. i remember kissing his cold forehead as i said goodbye. i remember my sister's boyfriend telling me how sorry he was. i remember saying thanks but thinking, "i still think you're a tool". i remember driving my mom home in silence, watching everyone and everything moving around me as i drove, and i felt motionless. i remember my mom worrying that our neighbors were going to get lost when they went after her car and my dad's. i remember her one short sentence telling me that she was talking to him on the phone when it happened. i found out later that she ran from her work and took off in her car to get to him. when she got to where he worked they wouldn't let her go to see him. i remember her telling me that she just wanted to see him but they wouldn't let her inside. inside where he was sitting at his desk, on the phone with her. i learned that day that they took their lunch breaks together and talked to one another over the phone. and that's what they were doing when he had his heart attack when he fell from his chair. when he hit his head, and broke his glasses. when he died on the floor, alone, before anyone could get to him.

five years later and my mother still isn't my mother. she's this person that looks like my mom, but that's about it. most of the mom that i knew back then died when he did. her voice is different now. her smile only makes an appearance on very special occasions rather than being an everyday part of her as it used to be. i never hear her laugh much either. she's more cynical. angry. angry over the things the mom i knew before would just shrug off. she seems sad still. and no matter how many people she has in her life she always seems alone. incomplete. and five years later, i now know that's how it will always be. yes she's moved on. yes she's stopped crying. yes she's started eating again. but she's never going to be the mom she once was. the mom i've been waiting five years for her to get back to.