four years later

i think about you from time to time. not too often. not as often as i once thought i would. maybe not even as often as i want to. but i guess things end up that way sometimes.

i look down at the face looking up at me on my license and wonder who that person is. minutes away from replacing that picture. a picture that will see me through a different set of four years.

you were there with me. i could see you when i was waiting for the lady to take my picture, freezing that one tiny moment forever in time. i was sitting there in that GAP sweater you bought for me. the one that i picked out and then put back because i knew i'd never wear it. the one i haven't worn since that day.

in this four year chunk of my life i've moved on from that guy in that picture. i've moved on from you. i missed you so much in the beginning. i lost you in two different ways and that really affected me. i changed a little bit. you were always the one that was different from all of the others. i guess that's what made losing you so much harder on me. and i'm not saying it's a good thing, but i did teach me to be more careful with who i let inside. that's just what happened.

strangers.

two people who shared mutual friends.

friends.

an inseparable pair that was more like one person.

talking on the phone at least twice a day, together three times a week.

losing you to distance.

losing you to a misunderstanding.

finding one another again.

spending time catching up.

seeing you two more times.

realizing that losing you, helped me find me.

exchanging emails.

me realizing that i'm finally okay with how things ended up.

you can't really fix the damage that's been done to your heart. but you need to let go of the past in order to put an end to the damage. if given the chance i don't think i'd really want it to end in any other way. i no longer want it to be like how it once was.

closure.

and four years later no one will be looking back at me and smiling while i wait for someone to take my picture. but i am ready to see where i end up in these next four years.