a right turn

sometimes listening to a song that makes you cry begins to be too much. you wake up. you smile at la cienega knowing that it's the perfect song to wake you on an early spring day. you take your shower. you get dressed. you almost walk off without grabbing your heart. you pause and walk back for it. it's something that's easy to do, forgetting it, wearing it on your sleeve like that every day and all. you start the engine of your car. you sit there for a few seconds wondering how you reached the point where you're currently at. did you choose this? do we really even have a choice? maybe things really are predetermined and you're on the only path that you can be on. any sort of deviation would throw the planets out of alignment and you'd be stuck with something far worse. you find a song that means something to you, anything. you drive. you turn left when all you really want to do is go right. you journey on. it's automatic, you don't even have to think about when to stop, go or turn. the dread is a familiarity that you'd never welcome in. that you just can't ever seem to shake. the sun begins to shine. that makes you feel worse. taunting you, laughing at you. showing you what you will be missing out on for the next nine or ten hours. your parking place is there, it's always there. it too drains the life out of you. who else would want it? the door opens, the music stops. hit the alarm. walk. head down. never a smile. no matter how happy you try to pretend to be it's taken from you with a jolt, much like stepping into a cold shower in the morning, the moment you set foot in the place. you have no say in the matter. the bitterness that used to surround you, that you used to dodge now begins to affect you. it begins to become your very own. you walk the exact same steps you do every single day. you could count them out. you'd see that they never change. you go through the motions. again you wonder how you got there. they were right when they told you that the choices you were making were mistakes. they told you how it would go, but you were far too stubborn to listen to them. it mattered then, not in the long run. several years later it still matters. it really wasn't just a temporary thing. the choices you made no matter how good or bad have affected you since you made them. the people you have around, you don't really want. the people you want, aren't really around. you're alone. in a life filled with many loving faces, you're alone. you hate every single minute that passes by, slower than you ever thought was possible. your day ends. you walk to your car. the sun has left you. you start the engine. you look for a song that matters. you can't find a song that matters. you drive. you turn left and wonder what awaits you on the right. you get home. you wonder how you got there. you eat. you look for someone that matters. you think you have found someone that matters. but do you matter to them? will you ever matter to them? all you want is to matter to them. you set your alarm for the same time, always the same time. you choose la cienega, hoping that the next day will bring you something different. knowing that it never will. before you sleep you pop in the earphones, searching for the perfect song. settling for the one that's good enough. the music fills your head. you begin to drift off, but first you pray for a right turn.

just for once, a right turn.