all over the map

nomad in hand. rockin' out while sweeping. yes, i'm twelve. no wait, i'm a domestic goddess, yeah that's it. i find myself pretending to be a rockstar a lot lately. driving to work at 7am, putting on a show for you in the car next to me. on the treadmill. at times i find myself dancing and not walking. clearly something isn't firing quite right in the noggin.

lil sis: "i find myself randomly working out on sundays."

me: "so like you're walking down the street and suddenly burst into jumping jacks?"

lil sis: "funny."

spoke with my sister today. she's been looking into some schools for me. she said that if i was serious about boston i should plan a trip there and visit josh, before making any decisions. josh, yeah, that's who i'll visit there. such the mother hen. i love her. i talked her into running away from home once when we were little kids. i wanted her bedroom. i was evil. she came back. now we're friends. now she's in another state. i wish she'd come back again. i wish it were as simple as getting into the huge station wagon, and driving up and down the street looking for her. finding her walking, telling her to get in, and bringing her back home. i miss her.

i heard the gin blossoms and swv yesterday. it made me think of you. in my head i heard the word "dood", and it made me laugh. maybe i told you that? maybe one day i'll remember a conversation that i have with you. maybe you're a bad influence. maybe my voice isn't the one that induces comas.

him: if you send me a picture of yourself with cum in your hair, you will steal my heart.

filter, out the window again. why even bother at this point? you are like alcohol. with you i don't need to drink to let the crazy fly out of my mouth. i let you in. i don't care. i want you in. you seem to want in. i laugh a lot. i smile more. it's an amazing feeling having friends who get you. someone to be real with. for twenty years you can fool yourself into thinking that you have something. that it's right there in your hands. a whisper makes you stop and look up. i found you. and i realized that i was wrong. nobody knows me. nobody gets me. not really. but i'm starting to think that you could.