monday ups & downs

step 1. wipe out entire hawaii fund you've been putting aside for the past year.

step 2. fight back the tears and the overwhelming urge to vomit.

step 3. pay off one credit card, two more to go.

step 4. wonder if you'll ever be enough of an adult to raise a puppy, let alone a kid.

step 5. wonder how you will ever get out of this town.

- - - - -

why i heart my kiki:
because she called me tonight from the gavin degraw concert so i could hear one of my favorite songs of his, belief.

i got a really nice email from jen today with some encouraging words on the funk that i was in. i will never take for granted and always be grateful for the way words from someone who essentially is a stranger to you can make you feel less alone in the things you're going through. thank you for that.

and my adorable friend christopher sent me a marriage proposal. that made my day. you crack me up. he liked my open letter to my concert boyfriend. no word from him yet, damn the man.

i sent my manager into another minor panic attack today when she discovered that i had been talking about the "big move" with one of my friends at work. i guess this made it all a little more real for her. i again told her that she was always welcome to visit me wherever i ended up. she informed me that she would be visiting me, at my grave, because dying was the only way i was getting away from that place. hey, whatever it takes.

"today my heart is big and sore, it's trying to push right through my skin. i won't see you anymore, i guess that's finally sinking in..."