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ever have one of those days where you feel like your life is being lived but you're more of an observer from the audience, rather than an actual participant? a lack of restraint when it comes to stupid words flowing from your mouth. to another's ear. typed in a letter. said in a voicemail. sent in a text. stupidity takes the foreground. you're the overly dramatic one. you're confused and you're hurt. and you're sad. but no one understands why you walk around with your head hung down. why you have to take a quick break to send out a few texts to try and repair something. something that you feel slipping out of your hands. however you do more damage with your overly emotional words. you're new to all of this, and you're trying. you just aren't doing so well with the succeeding thing. it would be easier with a voice, to hear a tone, but that's not your choice to make. so you deal with words typed out before you, and you have to make of them what you can. maybe you misinterpret them. maybe you're too sensitive. maybe you're reading too much into them. but the confusion and the fear blinds you to all of that. for once in your life you feel as if you've stumbled upon something good. a good friend. a real friend. a connection. and it's your nature to tend to muck up anything good that comes your way. usually it's a sort of self-inflicted sabotage. this time however it's because you're fighting too hard to hold onto something that was bound to change. you didn't see it that way. you didn't see it coming. simply because you've never experienced all of the good that led up to that point. you stop and look around and realize you've messed up again. it's not you that got you there, but you're wondering who did. you're just watching from the sidelines, right? your only point was trying to figure out how you got to this particular day. how we got to this day. and with that question you seemed to have overacted again. you explained where you were coming from, that's how this whole thing started. they let you in on their side. that's what you wanted to know. what you did. what changed. why. so you thank them, and you still somehow wind up saying the wrong thing. you feel stupid. bruised again. but all you can think to do is to say thanks. and somehow that just wasn't enough.