conflicted

plans with the past tomorrow have me feeling conflicted. i'm both elated and deflated all at once. it's nice to have someone right there in front of you who wants to listen to you. who hears. who cares. a struggle-free thing. especially when everyone else leaves you questioning your footing on what seems like a daily basis. one foot out the door. one hand being held, being tugged, back inside. it's almost over. one of us is already gone. so why not go out with a bang? indeed. i'm ending. you're ending. a heart breaks, and then a heart stops beating. when breathing in gets harder to do. it's painful to smile.

i want to go. i want to feel like a friendship waits for me. a friendship exists for me. but with each passing day, the neon sign that flashes "fool" seems to grow brighter and brighter. i've never had anything like this before in my life. well, like that. it can't be a "this" when it no longer exists. i've never known lonely until you. your passive-aggressive attempts at ending what you started are coming through loud and clear. if i'd have seen the ending, i never would have so blindly dove into the beginning.

goodbye again.