on to the next one

my legs are tan.  that makes me very happy.  i feel like i'm back.  after a month or so with my head in the clouds, i'm back.  it feels good.  isolation, however self-imposed that it was, was the wrong avenue.  i thought i needed to get away from everyone.  instead i ended up losing myself.  i have no idea who i became, but i was getting tired of having everyone in my life question who he was.

over lunch with my mother yesterday i let her in on a few things that have been swimming around in my head for the past few weeks.  i told her about the wedding, and missing out on the family reunion.  that went as expected.  my lil' sis was equally as pleased.  she'll have her boyfriend, so i'm immune to her guilt trippin'.  also told my mom about the boston trip.  she'll be getting back from her trip as i leave for mine.  i mentioned something about staying with her for the summer as a way of saving a buttload of money.  and getting my ass outta debt. money that i will force myself to save rather than spend on concert tickets.  i'm currently pouting over passing on alanis (5th row!), no doubt, guster, ben folds, and shawn colvin.  boo hiss.  whatever.  with every day that passes i learn of yet another concert that i have to say no to. if third eye blind comes this way i'll be too weak to resist. luv me sum stephan jenkins. but i have matt nathanson, madonna, and sarah mclachlan on the horizon to pacify me so i guess i should stop feeling sorry for myself. they're just concerts dude. anyway, she's okay with the thought of me living with her for as long as i need to.  i neglected to mention that the end result might have me moving out of state.  but hey, one thing at a time right? i can't give her too much to handle all at once.  so that was a relief. 

heard from G tonight.  guess she and her boyfriend are still having issues.  she's been staying at her mom's since the night we hung out. i feel bad for her, that's a horrible situation. she's finding it hard to let go after investing four years with him.  i mean you find someone that you really really connect with and you think that maybe you can make it work.  you want to make it work.  but sometimes what you want on your end isn't enough.  especially when they want something else.  more than you can give.  more than you are.  and no matter how much you care about them, or find yourself falling for them, it isn't enough to get them to feel the same.  you feel safe enough to expose your heart, and you wind up regretting your bravery in the end.  to love, to give, to share.  and then to have it all thrown back in your face is a painful thing to deal with. you're left wanting, and they just leave.

"so long, so long, front foot leads the back one. go on and it won't be too soon. i'm gone, i'm gone, and on to the next one. so long and i won't be back soon. yes i'm blue, but from holding my breath, like i have from the start. i'm the villain and i should confess, i liked you better before..."