regret

i regret pretty much every decision i've made in my twenty-nine years.  the people i've dated.  the people i just messed around with.  the times that i exposed my heart to the wrong person.  to the right person, just premature.  to the right person, just far too late.  walking away from you when you found it in your heart to forgive me.  but staying with you would just have been another regret in the long list of far too many. my job. some of the people in my life. why i am where i am. why i can't seem to do anything about that after all this time.

i thought about my dad today while i was at work.  thinking of all the things he never got a chance to do.  the things he passed up on.  the things he saved for later.  the things my mom still saves for "next year" or when she "has more time".  i think about the sacrifices he made to make sure we never wanted for anything.  working seven days a week to make sure that neither one of his kids had to work while they were in school.  education was the main thing for him.  education was the key to finding us a better life than what he had.  he was happy.  he loved us more than anything.  my mom told me that the night he passed away.  the vacations he never took.  the other states he never visited.  the grandchildren he never got to love.  he didn't regret much, and that's all i find myself doing.  hours spent making a simple decision, only to regret it within seconds of actually making it.  i know what he'd want for me.  happiness was the key.  a life without regret.  moving on, no longer wondering what else is out there.  actually finding out for myself.  this came rushing over me today and i guess it was a moment of clarity.  the words, "you can't live your life for someone else" now falling into place.  he was an amazing man.  his family is what brought him the most happiness.  we never talked much, but shortly after he passed away i found myself meeting stranger after stranger telling me they knew so many things about me.  oh you're the one who likes this, did this, went there.  yeah, he talked about you two kids every day.  bank tellers who i never even knew existed knew so much about my life story.  he worked for happiness.  he worked to get us to a place where we could find our own happiness.  and with one decision eight years ago, yet another one i regret, i threw all of that back in his face.  it hurt him a lot.  i knew that at the time, i heard about it three years later.

i can't keep stalling.  i can't keep worrying about the hundred different ways it could all go wrong.  how i could wind up flat on my face.  it's started, i just need to follow through with it.  find my own place in this world.  work towards my own happiness.  and find a day that isn't filled with regret.