summer

chatted with the boy again. he seems to be doing well. i'm still unsure of what he wants. should i keep trying to pursue this friendship thing, or should i just leave him alone?

the warm weather, thoughts of summer, thoughts of him, have me feeling a bit nostalgic. forever wanting something i once had. too hard to hold on to. too hard to get back. i guess when things leave your life, they leave it for a reason. no matter how hard you try to hold on, sometimes the choice really isn't up to you. meeting him, knowing him, changed me in ways i only dreamed of up to that point. maybe the point was that he was thrown my way to change me, to help me grow. and once he did, once i did, it was time for that part of my life to end. i ran away from him more times than i can remember. leaving on good terms feels better.

i want this summer to be different. i want a different boy. not the boy. not B. someone shiny and new. i want a new city. i want new friends that get me. it's overwhelming and exciting having people in your life that you can be real with. never knowing anything like that before. never comprehending that something like that truly could exist. all that came before it seems like a joke in retrospect. faith that it could get even better. faith that there's more just like it out there. i want a connection. concerts at night beneath the stars. a hand to hold. nightswimming. new songs that will forever bring that moment back to you. drinks on the patio, listening to the noise on the street. a new ceiling to stare up at. a new heart to fall for. a new pair of eyes to get lost in. things to walk to, rather than always driving. summer breezes through open windows as you lay in bed talking, laughing, dreaming.

new. excitement. doubt. wonder. fear. happiness. it's all there. it's just a matter of looking for it in the right place. sometimes you have to place your happiness in someone else's hands in order to get some of theirs in return. peel back the layers, let them in. and hope that one day you can matter to one another on an equal level. he wanted more. i could never be enough. not for him. i wanted more, just not with him.