well, the day's over, that's a plus

i caught myself waiting around again. waiting for things that never came.  that never will come.  get a clue. i try.  i give.  i'm there.  i'm here.  it's not enough.  it hurts to constantly keep trying to figure out why that is.  what i did wrong.  what others have that i don't.  that maybe i never will.

had a shit day.  yes i went to work.  yes my life rawks.  yes it went about as well as could be expected on four hours of sleep. sunny.  warm.  beautiful outside.  i'm inside pissed at the world.  pissed at myself.  letting the way others feel affect me too much.  too often.

when will i matter.  when will i be enough.  the one.  the hand to hold.  the last face to see at night.  the phone call that's waited on.  the smile that comes for no reason.  the happiness that comes for many reasons.  i'm beginning to think that it's never gonna happen.  i try to pretend that the rejection doesn't hurt.  but on days like this it's all i can feel. 

"all these little rejections, how they add up quickly. one small sideways look and i feel so ungood..."

some ass almost slammed into me on my way home, so that was nice.  way to drive with your head looking down at the floor.  way to go cruising right through that red light.  way to look surprised as i lay on the horn and have to go off the road to keep from being hit.  yeah that's why i yelled "fucker!" at you as i drove off. don't give me the look like i did something wrong. cock.

oh, and now i know what the boy wants from me. he wants his dvds back. ouch.

p.s. T's wedding aka the "wedding of the century" is going to be insane.

3 showers. 500 guests. and a 30 member bridal party. surreal doesn't even begin to cover it. there just better be enough alcohol to go around to get me through it. an ex and too many people from high school all in one room. sounds like fun.