when it don't come easy

i wish i could float. instead it feels as though i have two cinder blocks strapped to my feet. i wish i could shut my heart off as easily as you can a cell phone. i wish i was more, rather than feeling like less. i wish i was the priority i once was. not the effort i've become. i wish i had the answer for the question, "what's wrong?"

a feeling.  a sadness.  nothing specific.  what someone did to my heart without even knowing, was enough to send me stumbling down a long flight of stairs. 

i want to just move past this rather than feel like i'm handing you yet another nail to pound into the coffin. 

i watched elephant.  it was disturbing.  i watched the last episode of felicity for the twentieth time.  it too disturbed me. 

i don't want to be sensitive.  i don't want to be a bleeding heart.  i just have no idea how to control things like that.  it's like willing my eyes to be a different color.  it's me.  it's how i am.  it gets annoying. i go for so long keeping it under wraps and then the lid just bursts off and everything comes spilling out onto the feet of all those around me. and once again, there's a mess to clean up.

"sometimes you wonder if you're walking in the wrong direction..."