not the one

i had no idea that tomorrow was the day until i got your email today. it's really no surprise that i'd suddenly hear from you. but still, i'll be there for you. of course i will. i always am. fifty percent purely for selfish reasons, what being around you does to me. how i smile. how i laugh. how i live. fifty percent for the selfless reasons. you need me, i'd step in front of traffic for you. plain and simple. that's what we do. that's who we are. in spite of the past. in spite of an uncertain future. we care. we love. we're there for one another. when the bad things happen, the damage that we've done to one another seems to slowly dissolve, and all that remains is the reason that we found one another in the first place. you've pissed me off unlike anyone else. i run hot and cold with you, depending on the current mood of my heart. at times i've pushed you away until i saw you reach for the door to the exit and then i'd run after you. but when it comes down to it. i'm there for you anytime you need me. you knew that. you wouldn't have asked if you didn't. that's who we are. that's what we do. the bad times don't make you throw in your hand and walk off, head down, not looking back. the bad times make you appreciate the good times. make you remember the goods times. not toss them aside as if they never existed. they make you realize that the other person must really matter to you, because you can't let someone down if you never mattered to them in the first place.

it's funny that you emailed me. sitting there in the dark today, you were on my mind. she was on my mind. how the simple fact of just being who she was, is, almost destroyed you. the affects a person has on another's heart is almost too much to believe at times. she was messed up. she was running from a past, from so many mistakes that she could never outrun. looking over her shoulder at how close it was all gaining on her, not looking at where she was going, she crashed into you. she was your happiness. your good. you held her for a little while. but it all eventually caught up with her, and you awoke one morning to find her running away again. letting go of your hand, and leaving you behind. what happened to you made my fear of letting anyone in seem that much more real to me. it made me see that i was right all along. the only result of letting someone in is the damage that they do to your heart. i told you that in december. i was silly. i was foolish. i didn't heed my own warning. my heart went in one direction, and my head in another. i knew what was and what wasn't, but my heart stupidly still believed. for the first and only time in my life i looked at each and every little thing, every sign, no matter how big or small, as a positive one. i couldn't believe it myself. the king of doubt was looking at everything as an invitation to believe, to fall. and i fell. i fell hard. i'm still bruised from it. i believed i was more than i was. more than i could ever be. that i was enough. you did too. you thought you were at the end of one chapter, about to build something new with her. it's what you wanted, how could you ever know that she would run again? how could you possibly know that you were just another stop along the way, a chance to rest, a chance to hide, never once were you her destination. you pick yourself up. you dust yourself off. you move on. that's what you do. that's what we do. that's the only way to survive i guess.

"i waltzed around you seven times, only to become a melody you never sang, i'm not the one..."