"your date's on the dance floor telling people how horny she is"

saturday.

so i get to the church early, fearing that i would have a hard time finding it. of course the tiny little lot is full. there's a garage half a block up from the church, but i was on a one way street. what to do, what to do. after i survey the scene and see that no one is really around i decide to drive a few feet up the sidewalk to the entrance. i told myself it was better than a) driving the wrong way or b) driving in reverse. not a problem, i mean it was right there. it takes me like three seconds. what does that sign say? exit only? son of a. well i'm already on the sidewalk, i might as well keep going. i mean i did buy the suv for some off-roading. i might as well test it out, again. so i'm driving up the sidewalk laughing my ass off and i pull in and park. there are three cars in the lot. something tells me i shouldn't be parking here but i didn't want to be late. i see jules' mom pulling in a decide, if she can park there, so can i. so i head for the church and i meet up with her mom. she hugs me and tells me she can't believe how skinny i am. i pass ms. k and her boy on the way and show them where i parked. then i explain how i made it back that way. she tells me to wait for her. gina shows up and says hello. then she and jules' mom head into the church. ms. k finally shows up and we walk in together. eric pops up and heads in with us. we hesitate as the usher walks ms. k and her boy down the aisle. "do we go with them?" eric questions. i say yes and we follow. we sit and sarah jumps out of her pew and sits next to me. we catch up and make jokes up and down the pew, typical us. just as the ceremony begins i have another cough attack. "of course it's too late to escape now" i whisper to sarah. she saves me with a cough drop. we look back and see mel and aaron walk in. late, typical. B shows up and we fill out our row nicely. after the hundred people walk down the aisle the ceremony takes place. it was nice. she looked like a princess. so pretty. we meet up outside and they do sparklers instead of birdseed or bubbles. this tiny little boy is right next to me and i'm freaking that my sparkler is entirely too close to his wee little head. so i keep holding it to my right. and i keep burning sarah. "ow, ow, ow." she said every time i moved it away from the boy. "is this damn thing ever gonna go out?" i asked.

we had four hours to kill before the reception. paulie and B wanted to see a movie. mel wanted food. so we decided to do both. mel, aaron and i were gonna pass on the movie but we said we'd eat with them first. i get to the restaurant and look around for a bunch of dressed up people. i see mel, she waves. the hostess tells me how much she likes my tie. i smile and say thanks. so we sit for a few minutes and think we've been passed up for the movie. the others finally arrive and we eat. i fill everyone in on G and answer questions about my "vacation". will it ever die? B tells us about his newfound hatred for D. he's very bitter. it's too late for a movie so we all go our separate ways and kill time before the reception. i picked up nikki and we left for the hall.

we find our seats, all together of course. i say i think there's a reason why we're a) tucked safely away in a corner and b) so close to the bar. i'm just saying. jules did the planning, i know it wasn't an accident. ms. k and her boy have two drinks down before i can even say hi to everyone. i find jules and mindo and tell them how nice they look in their bridesmaid dresses. nikki wants a drink so we hit the bar. after two, i feel a little fuzzy. we grab some food. i hand nikki a plate and she begins to molest it. she says that her boobs are cold and her nipples are hard and she's using the plate to warm up. yeah i found me a real classy date.

me: the roast beef is over there if you want some.
nikki: no i don't want any.
(as we sit down)
nikki: they had roast beef? i didn't see any!
me: what the?

she spills food on her new dress. better than spilling it on me like she usually does i guess.

it's still light outside. and B and nikki are both trashed. ms. k and i have a good buzz and her boy is toasted as well. we see this bridesmaid that looks a lot like jules so we call her jules number two.

ms. k: i need to find a new drink, this one isn't doing anything.
me: what's jules number two doing now?
ms. k: i think she's taking our picture.
me: should we smile?
ms. k: who is she?
me: no clue. but she seems to know us. i think she might be retarded.
ms. k: i think she knows we're talking to her.
me: huh? about?
ms. k: what? what did i say?
me: to her.
ms. k: oh.
me: yeah.
ms. k: maybe these drinks are working.

the two tables somehow move into one. several pictures are taken. our table fills with empty glasses. nikki spills one on her dress. on the table. on her new purse. on the table. on the table. yeah, she was her own party.

the dj: we have a lost cell phone here. anyone lose a phone?

we all have ours. nikki slaps her hip and says she has hers. "where? does she have it strapped to her leg?" ms. k asks. i have no clue.

the dj: is there a nicole here.

we all roll our eyes and look at the drunken mess that is my date. she swears she has her phone. the dj calls out her last name and says that he called her mother. at this point ms. k, B and i can't breathe we're laughing so hard. so nikki walks up and gets her phone. it just gets better from this point.

we lose B for about twenty minutes. we break off and look for him. ms. k finds him in the parking lot having a heart to heart with someone he played football with in high school. paulie's mom comes to our table and ms. k and i convince nikki that she's one of B's ex-girlfriends.

nikki: really?
us: yeah.
me: but it was a messy breakup and he doesn't like to talk about it.
nikki: wow. she looks a lot older than him.
ms. k: (to me) and suspiciously a lot like his best friend.

sarah gets trashed. we have to call her sister to come get her. she apologizes to us over and over and asks if we hate her now. too cute. i had a nice buzz so i switched to water. we danced a lot. took some more pictures. nikki kept falling asleep on me, literally, while we were sitting at the table. each time she woke up she went for another drink. she begs me to dance, since i spent most of the night dancing with my friends. she was in the bathroom, a lot. we dance. she almost takes out the bride twice. i head back to the table as she goes to the bathroom again. a few minutes later we look up to see nikki spinning around on the dance floor with her camera. one of my friends comes up to me and says, "um yeah, you're date, um she's on the dance floor telling people how horny she is." "i can't help her there." i say as i get up and walk to get her. we all stand around in the parking lot after the reception and try to figure out what we're doing next. we fight with B because he wants to drive. he can't even stand up at this point. ms. k and her boy are heading downtown. i want to go home. nikki pouts and says she wants to go dancing. i turn my back on nikki and hug mindo, saying goodbye and swapping numbers. as we look back nikki is kissing B. well.

me: are you ready? or did you want to kiss B some more?
nikki: what?
b: we weren't kissing. what makes you say that?
mindo: because you totally just were.

so we head to the bar and no one feels like dancing. ms. k and i sit and chill. B dances by himself. nikki drinks more. and mel and aaron decide they want to head home. i think that sounds like a good idea. nikki asks if i want to go, i say yes. B wants to have a heart to heart with me. i tell him it's not the right place and he's too drunk. he gets salty, and we head home. i had a blast. it was more fun than i thought it was going to be. we laughed a lot, mostly at my date, but what can you do?