"well all right"

the first thing i thought of, when i heard the news last night, was the last time that i saw you. a tear in the corner of your eye. a hand slowly letting go of mine as we said our goodbyes. i watched you walk off into the dark as we went our way. when the last time you see someone becomes the last time, you begin to pick apart every single moment, looking for signs. clues. a warning sign. something to make you start paying attention to more last times with everyone else in your life.

your strength helped us all through so much. you were there, by my mom's side, helping her get through the days that followed when we lost our dad. you made the decisions. you answered the questions. you handled it all when none of the rest of us could. and for that i will forever be grateful. and for that i will forever regret never thanking you for. strong as a bulldog. stern, but caring. possessing one of the biggest hearts i've ever been exposed to.

my favorite memory of you was from twenty years ago when i was staying with you for the weekend. you were telling me a scary story about something and then excused yourself to go to the restroom. the next thing i knew i saw a face looking in at me through the kitchen window. you scared the crap out of me. i never ran from a room so fast in my entire life. i haven't since. your laugh reminded me of grandma's, your mom's, at that moment. and she lived on in you for the twenty years that followed that night.

i'm thankful that we've had the past couple year's worth of sundays, once a month, to see you. it's meant a lot to me. and i know that you've helped my mom get through a great deal. i was just hoping to have a few more sundays to share with you. we've had more than we ever used to, when i was younger, but that's never really enough.

i know you had a long, rich and full life. you loved and you were loved. you laughed a lot. you made us all laugh too. and the desire to keep you with us longer is purely a selfish one. you've been sick for a while now. a stroke that you somehow bounced back from when you weren't given much of a chance. then the cancer that never really seemed to bring you down. and now what looks to be the heart attack that took you from us. i know you were in a lot of pain, even if you didn't let the rest of us see it. and i should be thankful that all of your pain and suffering has come to an end, but i really will miss you. and i just wish that i would have had the chance to say some of this to you. to say goodbye. but i guess it's just another one i'm left with saying in my head. i've had too many of those.