[did i tell you you're wonderful]

wonderful.

that's a stupid sounding word. if you say it enough, it begins to sound made up. but it holds a lot of meaning. for me. right here, right now. the postal service blaring as my stupid little fingers pound away at the keys below them. you there. and you. and you. with me here. tiny words typed on a computer screen telling me you get this. you like that. am i doing anything besides watching movies lately? heh. yes. so yes. but i feel restricted, held back, let down. as if what i say, can and will be used against me in a court of something. i can't move, breathe, do, feel, act, say, type, without it affecting someone in some way. and i guess that's the way it's supposed to be. but i just feel if i make it like it was, allow it to be like it was, then someone will go away hurt. someone will walk away pouty. and i don't want that. and i don't need that. but sometimes, just sometimes the pressure is just too much. i don't call enough. i'm not there enough. i'm not here enough. i don't talk when a normal person would or should. i'm not quiet when it's the right time to be silent. i never get it just right. the art or act of perfection is lost on me. always has been, always will be. getting lost in my own thoughts, in several hours of felicity and popular seems completely normal to me. reaching out to you, interacting with them, seems like the unhealthy thing. self-imposed hermit status is the less crazy road to take. and when i do talk. people seemed shocked, touched, or blown away. i fucking hate feeling like silent bob from the kevin smith universe. damn the man. and then i think about you. and your lips. and why i ever thought that kissing them was the right thing to do. yeah, something like that...

and can i just say that "sway" by bic runga is still just the greatest song ever? peace out homies.