[follow through]

one year later.

it seems that i have this habit of measuring my life in one year increments. i guess it’s easier that way to see how far i’ve come. easier to see what i did wrong, what i did right. easier to see the changes made, and the changes i still find myself so afraid to make. i was there on that couch. it was warmer than it should be for the end of october. i could feel the first few sips of my rum and coke begin to tickle the back of my brain. ice making sound against the sides of my glass. the noise from the kitchen made me happy, knowing i was loved, knowing i was there. the noise from the kitchen made me sad, knowing that i was there alone. always alone. one year later, still alone. at times i tell myself it’s by choice, other times i start to think it’s a foolish choice. one i tend to regret making more than i’d like to admit. it was cloudy out, so it seemed later than it actually was. the stereo was on, loud, almost drowning out the laughter from the kitchen. i stared at my glass, i stared at the floor, i stared at my shoes. i’ll forever be the boy tucked safely in the corner looking down at my feet. as Gavin DeGraw began to sing, “Follow Through” i naturally thought of you and the cd you made for me a few months before that moment. i sat there for several seconds, taking it all in. the song, you, us, the moment i found myself in. and just like that i was up on my feet, phone in hand, heading out the door. i found my fingers pressing your name. and we talked. and you laughed at me, ever the sentimental one. and we talked forever about everything and nothing, mostly nothing. and i wanted you there, and you wanted to be there. but we never get our way, when it comes to us. so we settled for what we could, and we talked. one of the few perfect moments i have stored in the back of my mind. of course it took place in the fall, the perfect moments always do. leaves all over the place, a fire burning, pumpkins, a sweater, me and you. i can’t hear that song without thinking of you. you and all of the what ifs and why nots that always comes with you. and today, i find myself unable to shake that song from playing inside my head. me here, you there, all the same questions, all the same doubts, all the same feelings, one year later.