so the other day i told my manager to bite me. she paused, put her papers down, walked towards me and bit me on the arm. it was so random that i was laughing about that for the next hour.

i think she did that to get back at me for walking up to her earlier in the day and petting her arm while singing to her: "sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much and i have to hang my head and cry" or however that 80s dan hill song goes.

i'm just glad she accepts and embraces the oddity that is me rather than judge. she gave up on trying to view me as normal long ago.

hoobastank, "the reason", wow.

"you're calling to me, i can't hear what you said."

so we got our cyndi lauper tickets today. yes lisa twisted my arm. yes i'm now going. front row baby. i can't wait. plus i get to hang out with T so that's reason enough in itself. he's adorable. i get all shy and goofy when i'm around him. he's just a really cool guy that i've known for a bit now. he has the sexiest voice. i'd like to get to know him a little better. so we'll see. tomorrow night nikki and i are going out to whore things up at the bars. and by whore i mean sit and drool over all the cute boys but do absolutely nothing about it. perhaps i will be lucky enough to meet another new girl who will think that i'd make excellent boyfriend material. like i told chris i have no trouble getting the girls to gush, i just can't find any cute guys. hopefully i won't run into any freaks like the girl chris met at that concert. i'd have to agree with him, if he lived a wee bit closer to me we'd be causing some serious trouble together. *trust*

two things that i can't shake from my thoughts today:

how does that new whitening gum possibly work on the front of your teeth as the advertisement leads you to believe. i don't chew with the front of my teeth. do other people?

why is it that out of the five or so hotties i've seen the last few days sporting a simple knit cap look so, well hot. and when i put mine on i just look like a major tool?

Part 1 -- The Basics

What's your name? ::: J
Birthplace ::: akron, ohio
Age ::: 28
Age you act ::: like a 12-year-old little girl
Eye color ::: green/blue
Hair color ::: brown
Right, lefty or ambidextrous? ::: right, but i do use my left hand for some things ; )
Zodiac sign? ::: pisces
Height? ::: 6'

Part 2 -- Describe...

Your heritage/nationality ::: whitey mcwhiterson.
Your hair ::: short. brown. clean.
Your fears ::: whales, cats that want to claw my eyes out, rubbing my eyes so hard that i pop them inside my head. hey, i never said they were rational fears. i'm serious these things freak me out and are thoughts that i have far too often.
Your perfect room ::: a big comfy bed, a massive cd collection, and tom welling or justin timberlake, and some water cause i have a fierce case of the night thirsties from time to time.
What you practically do in a day ::: what's that?

Part 3 -- What is/are...

Words you overuse ::: yo and like.
Phrases you overuse ::: true dat, that's funny.
Your first thought when you wake up ::: what day is it? am i late for work or up too early?
Your greatest accomplishment ::: learning how to tie my shoes.
Something you want to do ::: visit as many states as my grandmother did, and fall in love.

Part 4 -- This or that

Pepsi or Coke ::: dr. pepper, but i rarely drink pop.
McDonald's or Burger Kings ::: wendy's.
Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera ::: x-tina. i likes me skanks.
Chocolate or vanilla ::: vanilla.
Adidas or Nike ::: new balance.
Black or white ::: what? clothes? black.
Bills or Coins ((Think $$$)) ::: oh, thanks for clearing that up. um, bills.
Burgers or hot dogs ::: while i do like a good wiener now and then i'd go with burgers.
Egypt or France ::: no sure, never been. that's dumb.
Rock or rap ::: rock, acoustic rock that is.

Part 5 -- Do you...

Smoke ::: i've tried it but no.
Cuss ::: fuckin a ya a.
Sing well ::: define well.
Sing in the shower ::: yes i do, wanna hear?
Talk to yourself --a lot-- ::: all the time. i'm my best friend.
Believe in yourself ::: yes, and then no.
Like taking these longass surveys? ::: i don't mind.
Play an instrument ::: no, i used to play the trumpet in the school band.
Want to go to college? ::: sure, which one?
Want to get married? ::: i'm good thanks.
Want to have children? ::: sometimes. i used to think so, now i don't know. i want to have nieces and nephews.
Think you're a health freak? ::: i'm trying to be, i have been for the past year now. i've given up many things, but i'm still addicted to doritos. so i'll let you decide.
Get along with your parents ::: yep, i'm not the black sheep any longer.
Get along with your siblings? ::: yep, she's one of my best friends. even if she is a black sheep.
Think you're popular ::: i'm candy everybody wants.

Part 6 -- In the past month have you...

Gone out of state ::: yep. michigan.
Drank alchohal ::: what's that? oh, you mean alcohol. looks like someone was hitting the bottle while preparing this. yes i have.
Smoke ::: um, nope.
Get high ::: not in the past six months.
Done any drugs ::: again, not in the past six months.
Eaten an entire box of oreos ::: ick. hydrox cookies are better than oreos, and then still no.
Been on stage ::: i tried but they made me get off. i was dancing with ms. b and she made me get up on this stage with her and some dude asked me to get down informing me that only girls were allowed up there. whatever.
Gone skinny dipping ::: nope.
Been dumped ::: nope.
Dyed your hair ::: not in the last six months.
Stolen anything ::: nope.

Part 7 -- The Last...

Last dream ::: that someone was breaking into my house, it was a long odd dream.
Last nightmare ::: it's called my job, it's a recurring nightmare i face on a daily basis.
Car ride ::: the drive home from work. and a trip to michigan last weekend.
Last time you cried ::: on thanksgiving when i watched the myth of fingerprints. that movie makes me tear up a little.
Last movie seen ::: win a date with tad hamilton.
Last movie rented ::: marci x.
Last book read ::: ellen degeneres' new book "the funny thing is".
Last word said ::: night.
Last curse word said ::: shit the bed. i say that a lot.
Last time you laughed ::: tonight while watching the real world. brad's message cracked me up.
Last phone call ::: adam.
Last CD played ::: a mix from christopher.
Last song you listened to ::: "flicks" by frou frou.
Last annoyance ::: brad on the real world san diego.
Last IM ::: kia.
Last weird encounter ::: this cute guy at the concert the other night. he tapped me on the shoulder so lightly that i almost didn't feel it. then he asked me how tall i was and how tall i thought he was. when i guessed wrong he told me that i was taller than he was. then he explained that the girl he was with didn't believe him when he told her how tall he was. then he thanked me for letting him bug me. it was odd.
Last person you hugged ::: my little cousin.
Last person you yelled at ::: kim the evil bitch at work.
Last time you wore a skirt ::: never.
Last time you've been evil ::: i'm not evil, just a trouble maker.
Sarcastic? ::: 24/7.
Last time you fought with your parents ::: when i was a teenager.
Last time you wished upon a star ::: like two years ago. it doesn't work, trust me.
Played Truth or Dare ::: a few years ago.
Spent quality time alone ::: sunday night.

Part 8 -- Randomness

Are you talking to someone on AIM ::: i was until she left me for american idol.
Do you feel lonely ::: nope, i truly love it when i have some alone time.
Ever TP'd someone's house ::: yep.
How about egging someone's house ::: nope.
Do you not like dislike not like me? ::: what the hell? who are you?
Ain't Eminem and 50 Cent just fine? ::: eminem has a nice body but he's ugly on the inside. and i'm not into fiddy cent.
Yo Momma ::: what about her? have you talked to her?
Ever been so hungry you felt like you could eat the person next to you? ::: um, no.
What do you think of George Bush? ::: i try not to think about him at all, it makes me too sad.
Any secret fetishes? ::: if i told you then they wouldn't be secret would they?
Do you like to wear chains? O_o ::: no, i have snow tires. (ba da bump).
How many languages do you speak? ::: basically one. i took five years of french, and can understand some spanish, but pretty much just the one.
Damn.. are your fingers tired? Cause mine sure are! ::: no, i like to exercise my fingers and hands. what? who? what?

this just in...

kia mentioned me in her blog!

now back to our regularly scheduled program already in progress.

"hey guy, let's date. 'cause we're both something special, not straight. what i feel for you is groovy, so let's enjoy it. i think your sister's pretty but let's boy and boy it. i saw you wink and life is so much better now that we're in synch. i really like your smiling face, my beach house has a fire place. we'll watch reruns of will & grace, let's fornicate. hold on, hold tight. let's date."

-from marci x. too funny.

1) using band names, spell out your first name:
j - immy eat world
a - ll american rejects
m - atchbox twenty
e - van and jaron
s - tarsailor

2) have you ever had a song written about you? not that i'm aware of. if so i hope it's a sad one with a piano, a harmonica and an accordion that makes people cry when they hear it.

3) what song makes you cry? "ez" by pete yorn

4) what song makes you happy? "a sorta fairytale" by tori amos (by no means a happy song, but i'm always happy when i hear it)

5) what do you like to listen to before bed? "king of yesterday" by jude

6) name a song by coal chamber: "coal miner's daughter" (not a clue)

7) who was/were your idol/s when you were younger? the kids on fame, and all of the charlie's angels except julie. she was ick.

8) first album you ever bought? i hate to say it but i think it was something by kool & the gang and that was vinyl. my first cassette tape purchase was a loverboy album. eww.

9) name a song that reminds you of someone and why: "the scientist" by coldplay because: a) it kind of describes me and the boy and all the ups and downs, and the many times we've started over. b) because it's my favorite coldplay song and that band makes me think of him as well and how i messed up last spring.

"well, it's a lie it's a lie don't you believe it. if you're fine then you're fine, it's all how you see it. oh, there never will be no conspiracy of happiness. i'm on a high i'm on a high and there's nothing more to it. i have the sun, it's a star why should i refuse it."

so i'm back from out of town. i had such a nice time. and i got presents, lots of presents. there's another snowstorm on the way tonight. i'm so over the snow. i'll fill you in later on all the sordid details. well i was visiting my family, so we're talking PG sordid, but it was still fun. anyway, i had a nice long phone conversation with the boy last night. that was nice actually. i feel like things are better again. but that happens all the time. the betterness is just a momentarily pause in time when i'm not screwing things up between us. anyway, i made it home this evening and found two excellent cds and a nice note waiting for me in the mail from the adorable christopher. what a sweet guy. he made me a couple cds of some songs that were a part of his blog over the past year. such a great idea. i've already listened to both of them while unpacking and catching up on some mail. all i can say is that he has impeccable taste in music, but i knew that even before he passed the cds along to me. thank you chris. my weekend also included topher grace, marci x, and drunk calls/texts from karen walker. but all that will have to wait until another time when i'm a little less tired. ugh, back to work tomorrow. can i quit my job yet?

random and boring


nikki: she just wants dan to watch while she fondles T.

me: i wouldn't mind dan watching while i fondled T.

- - - -

me: if i was pretty and stupid i'd probably get distracted by my own reflection all the time.

- - - -

D: he's cute.

me: yeah kinda, in that older guy pound me so hard that i can't walk the next day sort of way.

"leave me alone,
in the place where i make no mistakes.
in the place where i have what it takes.
i'm never gonna know you now,
but i'm gonna love you anyhow."

a beautiful boy,
and his guitar.

an amazing voice,
and killer wit.

i fell in love.


matt nathanson was amazing last night. and fish and his cello almost brought a tear to my eye more than once. he did a prince cover that brought the crowd to life. granted he didn't play my favorite song of his, bent, but i can forgive him for that. matt seemed to love every second that he was on stage. and he ate up each and every single laugh the audience was more than willing to give back to him. he had an elaborate lie prepared to introduce almost every one of his songs. and then with the slightest smirk he'd cave and announce that it was really just another song about getting screwed over by a girl. gavin degraw was good as well, but matt was simply a hard act to follow. i just never felt that gavin got the crowd to the same level of excitement that matt seemed to do so easily. true i did eventually warm up to gavin, but it took several songs before i felt that i was enjoying what i was hearing. gavin's cover of let's get it on was brilliant, but i still felt a little let down with having him as the second act. i think that gavin's voice, which shines on his cd, got a little drowned out in the loudness of the full band. whereas matt only had a guitar and a cello to compete with, allowing his strong and beautiful voice to shine and at times sound heartbreakingly haunting. overall it was a great show, probably in my top ten. along with my first howie day show, the crows in columbus and tonic's acoustic performance (which is still my number one) just to name a few. definitely worth checking out if they hit your area. i just wish they'd do a little revision with the lineup. they mentioned a few times that it was a co-headlining tour, i just think they should put the stronger performer on second.

funk

not much is really new with me. B contacted me the other night and i'm still a little bugged by all that. i hate that i let him have such control over me when it comes to my moods. i've kind of been in a funk ever since hearing from him.

gavin degraw and matt nathanson tomorrow night. i can't wait. gavin is the headliner but i'm actually more into seeing matt. i initially bought the tickets to see gavin but matt's cd has quickly become one of my favorites, so it should be sweet to see him live.

this weekend brings a nice little mini-vacation out of state, so i'm looking forward to that as well. and now that i have my new xm radio for my car it should make the drive all the better.

well, that's all i got.

valuable

two of the coolest people i've met in recent months, to me, only exist in my mind. in the words that i read. and in my heart. it's funny how you can fall so hard for words. you get caught up in every little thing that's written, constantly waiting for more. i knew something of them. i knew i liked them. i knew that i could easily relate to them before i even had a face to go with the words. before i even heard a voice. i agree that a lot of people find it hard to accept compliments without searching for an underlying motive. sometimes in a life filled with many amazing people you can still feel somewhat alone. no matter how long you've known them and how much you love them, they aren't always enough. so when you find someone out there that you have an interest in, no matter where you found them, you feel like making an effort to hang onto them. i dig people who are as passionate about music as i am. i have a weakness for people who can make me laugh, so few do. i love people who send me a text message for no other reason than to bring a smile to my face. when i find someone like that, i want to know as much about them as possible. i want to crawl inside their head and find out what it's like to be them. i cherish every moment i have with them in my life, no matter how far removed they actually are from it. they're not here in real time, but in such a short amount of time i find myself placing them up on the same shelf of adoration that i've had my close friends on for years. it takes an effort to try and keep up some sort of a relationship when there are so many obstacles involved. sometimes you take things like that for granted. they reply to an email, a text, a phone call, and you don't think much of it at the time. but then you take a step back and look at it for what it is and you realize that these are some pretty amazing people. making a simple effort like that makes you think that maybe you matter to them just as much as they do to you. they are valuable to you, and you hope they realize that.

28 days later

the last thing i wanted to hear today at lunch coming from the "secret server" area that was located directly behind our booth:

server girl: so what is it an infection or something?

another server girl: well they said it wasn't exactly an infection, more like a... (trails off)

me: praying silently that i wasn't being waited on by the infected one.

why chris rocks the party that rocks the body:

first i rate a "cool cats" linkage.

followed by a request to see said pictures of my crotch.

then word has it that i have nice handwriting.

the boy really knows how to make a guy smile, and then blush a little.

i hate you


been waiting up
for you to rescue me
to come around
and cover everything
relying on my best memories
to breathe for me, breathe for me
i'm so much better than all this...all of this

i'm tired of singing
all the sad songs in my head
but i can't find enough of anything
to drown out what you said
and sometimes i find i catch myself
letting you back in
but i'm so tired of singing all
the sad songs in my head

i can still smell
summer on your skin
i can still remember giving in
wrapped all up in your hips
and in your sheets
it felt great falling, great falling
i'm so much better than all this...all of this

feel so faded. so far gone
nothing surprises me anymore
i feel so faded. so far gone
nothing surprises me anymore.

"sad songs" - matt nathanson

"milkshake" cleared the dance floor.

lisa took pictures of my crotch.

T looked hot, short haircut, untucked shirt, drunk and goofy hot.

and i forced megan into a life of crime. wait until she gets home and sees all the stuff i tucked into her coat pockets. who? me? what?

movies i rented in 2003

chicago
two weeks notice
drumline
maid in manhattan
8 crazy nights
punch-drunk love
talk to her
far from heaven
santa clause 2
all i want
jackass: the movie
the truth about charlie
tuck everlasting
the transporter
swept away
white oleander
spirited away
hedwig and the angry inch
igby goes down
stealing harvard
one hour photo
possession
me without you
pumpkin
lovely and amazing
the first $20 million
sordid lives
L.I.E.
the recruit
gerry
bringing down the house
the safety of objects
laurel canyon
willard
dreamcatcher
phonebooth
bulletproof monk
the real cancun
identity
it runs in the family
all over the guy
run lola run
X2: x-men united
down with love
bruce almighty
the in-laws
finding nemo
dumb & dumberer
pirates of the caribbean

movies i saw in 2003:

the hours
just married
a guy thing
daredevil
old school
a view from the top
what a girl wants
the lizzie mcguire movie
the matrix reloaded
28 days later
charlie's angels: full throttle
legally blonde 2
how to deal
american wedding
jeepers creepers 2
school of rock
kill bill volume 1
the texas chainsaw massacre
the matrix revolutions
elf
love, actually
something's gotta give
the lord of the rings: the return of the king
cheaper by the dozen

why i love ms. b:

because she sends me text messages like, "hi, i just farted."

alias

the big reveal + kendal's return + lauren's true colors x no doubt's "it's my life" = effing brilliant

now that was worth the wait.

1999

B, shannon, rachel and i did our usual thursday night bar thing. it was fun as always. we got drunk as always. i professed my love for shannon. allowed rachel to molest me in that way only rachel could. but as always my thoughts were on B. we played the same three songs on the juke box: "special" by garbage, "motorcycle driveby" by third eye blind and "umbrella" by dogs eye view, our standards. my pick the first night we hung out, and B made sure to play it every following thursday for the next few months. shannon was so loud, and had the greatest laugh i've ever heard. rachel was so beyond out there. that girl smoked a lot of weed. but from the moment i met her i fell hard for her. i loved every minute of the year i spent with her. so anyway, there we were, 2AM leaving the bar. of course we were just getting warmed up, so naturally we had to find another place to party. so my bright idea was for us to drive the thirty-five minutes it would take us to get back to my house. and of course everyone thought that was the perfect idea. so off we went. so there we were kicking it at my house, loud, obnoxious, drunk, eating taco bell. and my poor parents were upstairs trying to sleep for work the next morning. B decided that he had to leave, he had class in about four hours. the three of us begging him to stay just one hour longer fell on deaf ears, as we walked him to his car. "i know where B lives, we should follow him" i announced. the three of us decided it was a great idea to follow B and drag him back to the party. i explained that he only lived five minutes away so we'd get there and just bring him back with us. he was weak, we could break him. so like thirty minutes later we finally pulled into his driveway. "i thought you said five minutes?!" they yelled. "i can't help it that rach was driving five miles an hour the entire way here! it only takes me five!" so of course by this time everyone in B's house was asleep. i led the field trip to his bedroom window and we decide to wake him up. rachel and shannon started throwing little rocks at his window one at a time. i explained to them that that would never work. so i picked up this huge handful of rocks and began to attack the side of the house with them. it sounded like firecrackers going off. lights came on. the yard filled up with people. and i wanted to die. we all ran in separate directions, lucky for me mine wasn't directly into B's parents. no that was where rachel and shannon headed as they left me standing alone in the back yard. so after B's dad threatened to beat up two poor little girls, telling them that they didn't know who they were messing with, we decided it was time to leave. B got his parents inside and then came back to apologize to us. at this point the three of us were laughing hysterically. B went back inside. we sat there laughing and rachel informed us that she was so frightened by the yelling that she started farting and couldn't stop farting the entire time he was yelling at her. so we laughed harder. shannon peed her pants right there in rachel's car. and we died. beer, farts, disturbing the peace and a little pee. what more could you ask for in a night? i miss those two girls and think about them, and that night, all the time.

okay, i swiped this from kia (the LOVE of my life) & jonathan first, then chris. i'm SO original jumping on the bandwagon and all, yo.

Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band::

HOWIE DAY

Are you female or male:: she says

Describe yourself:: trouble in here

How do some people feel about you:: secret

How do you feel about yourself:: i'll take you on

Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:: you & a promise

Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:: ghost

Describe where you want to be:: disco

Describe what you want to be:: everything else

Describe how you live:: sorry so sorry

Describe how you love:: collide

Share a few words of wisdom:: perfect time of day

from smallville:

"what i don't understand is you're willing to walk into bullets for me, but you won't share what's going on inside. if you don't open up to the people that love you, you'll always be alone. i can't believe you want to spend your life like that."

"i may not have a choice."

"you always have a choice."

real world, san diego

dearest brad,

while i may find you pleasant to look at we have a few problems. to begin with, sweetie you're from illinois, not the bronx; what's with the accent? secondly, i saw more than enough of you last night to hold me over for the remainder of the season, well heard rather. could you just keep your mouth shut and stand shirtless in the corner of the room for the rest of the season? that'd be great, thanks. and please, that's enough talk about your size. either whip it out for all of us to see, or shut the hell up about it. randy has a far hotter vibe going for him and i just hope that your obnoxious meat-head ways don't prevent us from seeing a lot more of randy in the weeks to come. that hair, that crooked smile, that real accent...sigh. now he's a boy worth coming back for every week. glad we could clear that up. take care.

J

2 reasons why i want to live to see july:

1) popular season 1

2) felicity junior year

are both coming out then on dvd!

mary cherry, we'll be reunited soon. sigh.

example #162 of how i'm really a twelve-year-old little girl...

me: that movie looks like a cross between the lizzie mcguire movie and what a girl wants, i feel like i've already seen it.

my sister: but of course you'll still see it.

me: well of course, i mean come on, mandy moore's in it. like you could keep me away.

discussing a preview for mandy moore's latest flick chasing liberty.

"you're all i see, do you see me? what about tomorrow? still waiting fast, you're in the past. what about tomorrow?"

so b asked me if i'd move with him when he leaves town. i've followed this boy around for too long. so like kelly said on 90210 to brandon and dylan when they both proposed, "i choose me". you can go but it's in my best interest to stay here and move on with my life. does that mean i'm finally growing up? or does that mean that after all this time i really am finding a way to get over him? maybe it's both, i'm not sure. all i do know is that i'm ready to see where life takes me next.

"a long december and there's reason to believe that this year will be better than the last."


we had fun last night. party at ms. k's mom's house. it was nice. of course b was there. of course we got drunk together. of course we were such brats. i love being around her. i whispered to her, "i love it when we're drunk and bratty together". she smiled and i knew i was in trouble. ms. k made a big tray of jello shots, her specialty so b thought it would be funny for us to race and see who could eat the most. we were two fools sitting at the table scooping out jello with measuring spoons, the first things b found in the drawer. needless to say my plan of just having one or two drinks and being able to drive myself home flew out the window as we ate the entire tray. i never saw the ball drop. does that mean this year won't count? the last thing i remember was playing simpson's jeopardy at the table with everyone, not really drunk yet. then the jello kicked in. next thing i new i had the sensation of sleeping on a very hard surface and i assumed that i was asleep on the kitchen floor. i woke up, looked around me and then freaked out, having no clue as to where i was. turns out i was in a bedroom, on the hardwood floor not in the bed, but in a bedroom all the same. i puked on the floor and had dried vomit in my hair. so much for my attempts at being elegantly wasted. i was all sorts of messy. damn the man. all i could think of was the part in the wedding singer when drew vomited in her own hair and that made me laugh. i'm not sure if i dreamt it or if the other B, the object of my affection, made an appearance last night. i know that he was invited, and i know we sat around talking about how rude it was of him to bail. but for some reason i have this weird memory of him walking in last night. i'm really hoping it was a dream because who knows what i might have said to him if he truly was there. so after my embarrassing walk of shame to join the others this morning, i headed home and did nothing at all today. i ate lunch, messed around online, read some blogs and watched will & grace and queer eye. all of this down time has given me the chance to sort some things out in my head. i spent most of the day dreaming of a different life. one where i'm happy. one where i'm in love. one where i want to try and make it work rather than running away and hiding. i'm just not sure how to get there, or where to even begin. i thought about taking a road trip. just me and my car and a lot of great music. i could go to adam. i could visit josh in boston. i just need a change of scenery. nothing permanent, just something to wake me up and help me get back on track. the theme for this year is change. i spent last year working on my exterior, this year i need to fix the broken pieces that are inside of me. i'm tired of making excuses for why my life isn't the way that i want it to be. i'm the only person standing in my way. i'm the only one to blame. and that's just something that i'm not going to put up with any longer.

"of all the things i believed in, i just want to get it over with. you were the one i loved, the one thing that i tried to hold on to. it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time."

i sat here and tried to come up with a list of new year's resolutions. but there's only one that really matters. this year marks an end for me. an end to letting the wrong boy break my heart, and letting the right boy get away.