...and out like a lion

con·tam·i·nate

to make impure or unclean by contact or mixture.




there was a time that i had nothing to explain
oh, this mess i have made
but then things got complicated
my innocence has all but faded
oh, this mess i have made

and i don't believe in god
so i can't be saved
all alone as i've learned to be
in this mess i have made

all the untested virtue
the things i said i'd never do
least of all to you

i know he's kind and true
Iiknow that he is good to you
he'll never care for you more than i do

but i don't believe in love
so i can't be tamed
all alone as i've learned to be
in this mess
i have made the same mistakes
over and over again

there are rooms in this house that i don't open any more
dusty books and pictures on the floor

that she will never see
she'll never see that part of me
i want to be for her
what i could never be for you

and i don't believe in god
so i can't be saved
all alone as i've learned to be
in this mess i have made

mess - ben folds five




the farther i come the farther i fall
whatever i knew it was nothing at all
nothing at all, just making me small
smaller and smaller
i fall back

sooner or later with a view from the ground
chasing the race and the races run you down
sooner or later with a view from the ground
and a tear in your eye
you say baby why can’t we fly
into the blue sky
high
into the blue sky

be my singing lesson
be my song
when i tell you i'm falling
you tell me i'm strong
the trees have grown tall
the birds have flown high
higher and higher
goodbye goodbye goodbye
i'll fly over a rainbow
i'll be sun kissed
sail around the planet venus
and send a long letter
way back home
that says all that i know
all that i know is the blue sky
high in the blue sky

the farther i come the farther i fall
whatever i knew it was nothing at all
trees have grown tall, the birds have flown high
higher and higher
goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

blue sky - patty griffin




i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i'm a fucker.

mo & a mo

well there's still a chance.

granted it's a very very slim one, but as wilson phillips would say, the dream is still alive. i found out last night that madonna has added another date for her chicago leg of the reinvention tour. chicago being the closest option to smalltown/slit your writs, ohio where yours truly resides. i spoke with the insanity that is my friend lisa today, i love you, and she's in if we can get tickets. they go on sale saturday. hopefully they won't sell out before we can get ours. but all the other shows went fast. how many people could there be left in chicago that still need tickets? come on all we need is two, i'm not asking for that much here. sigh.

hey stupid

you're stupid for fooling yourself into believing that anyone cares.  that anyone could ever care.  you are what you are.  a bleeding heart.  too sensitive.  too caring.  too generous with your heart.  they never ask you for your heart, you box it up and send it off to them as is if it were a care package.  an unwanted care package at that, sent to the wrong address.  and it always comes back to you, knocked around, crushed on the corner, with the words "package undeliverable" printed in big bold letters for everyone to see.

the fact that this has happened to you more than once would be enough to prevent most people from ever trying again.  but not you, each and every time you're always dumb enough to think, "no but this time this one really feels different."  you find sign after sign.  you hold yourself back on more than one occassion.  but every time you find yourself holding back, a much larger sign presents itself and you start to feel silly or foolish for ever doubting yourself in the first place.  the fear that you have of keeping your mouth shut and letting something good walk away frightens you enough to make a stupid choice. so you give in.  you let your guard down, just a little.  just enough to let them in.  sadly mistaken in thinking that they even want in.

he never asked you to let him in. 

you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it fall in love with someone as pathetic as you are.  isn't that how the saying goes?

so you pack it all up.  head on into the next town.  all that you have to carry is starting to be too much to drag along with you.  maybe you should just leave it all behind and start over fresh somewhere else.  i know that's what you thought you were doing this time, but it wasn't really.  you misunderstood the invitation that was offered during more than one conversation.  you mistook joking for sincerity.  boredom and having time to kill for caring.  you feel like a chump.  you are a chump.  and really, that's all you'll ever be.

again

"it's that i leap and then i look at all the chances that i took. i feel the air, miss the catch, then i have to swing back. my timing's all wrong, the ladder is gone. and all i can do is swing till it's all net below." -j.b.

a right turn

sometimes listening to a song that makes you cry begins to be too much. you wake up. you smile at la cienega knowing that it's the perfect song to wake you on an early spring day. you take your shower. you get dressed. you almost walk off without grabbing your heart. you pause and walk back for it. it's something that's easy to do, forgetting it, wearing it on your sleeve like that every day and all. you start the engine of your car. you sit there for a few seconds wondering how you reached the point where you're currently at. did you choose this? do we really even have a choice? maybe things really are predetermined and you're on the only path that you can be on. any sort of deviation would throw the planets out of alignment and you'd be stuck with something far worse. you find a song that means something to you, anything. you drive. you turn left when all you really want to do is go right. you journey on. it's automatic, you don't even have to think about when to stop, go or turn. the dread is a familiarity that you'd never welcome in. that you just can't ever seem to shake. the sun begins to shine. that makes you feel worse. taunting you, laughing at you. showing you what you will be missing out on for the next nine or ten hours. your parking place is there, it's always there. it too drains the life out of you. who else would want it? the door opens, the music stops. hit the alarm. walk. head down. never a smile. no matter how happy you try to pretend to be it's taken from you with a jolt, much like stepping into a cold shower in the morning, the moment you set foot in the place. you have no say in the matter. the bitterness that used to surround you, that you used to dodge now begins to affect you. it begins to become your very own. you walk the exact same steps you do every single day. you could count them out. you'd see that they never change. you go through the motions. again you wonder how you got there. they were right when they told you that the choices you were making were mistakes. they told you how it would go, but you were far too stubborn to listen to them. it mattered then, not in the long run. several years later it still matters. it really wasn't just a temporary thing. the choices you made no matter how good or bad have affected you since you made them. the people you have around, you don't really want. the people you want, aren't really around. you're alone. in a life filled with many loving faces, you're alone. you hate every single minute that passes by, slower than you ever thought was possible. your day ends. you walk to your car. the sun has left you. you start the engine. you look for a song that matters. you can't find a song that matters. you drive. you turn left and wonder what awaits you on the right. you get home. you wonder how you got there. you eat. you look for someone that matters. you think you have found someone that matters. but do you matter to them? will you ever matter to them? all you want is to matter to them. you set your alarm for the same time, always the same time. you choose la cienega, hoping that the next day will bring you something different. knowing that it never will. before you sleep you pop in the earphones, searching for the perfect song. settling for the one that's good enough. the music fills your head. you begin to drift off, but first you pray for a right turn.

just for once, a right turn.

and some days feeling less like brian krakow and more like jordan catalano is all you really want.

yay for him!

he got his tickets. see i knew you'd get them, never doubt me. i'm happy for you. jealous, very very jealous, but happy.

smile

today was an amazing day.

the best kind of day to be a wee bit hung over. to be completely exhausted. to have your head still spinning from a conversation that was had a few hours earlier. the conversation was longer than the amount of sleep that followed it. so worth it. it was nice to have a conversation that didn't start with, "um, i'm going to bed." out in the sunshine. windows down. seventy-five degrees. amazing.

for some strange reason i awoke today with a smile on my face. i tried my best to clean up but felt like a walking bottle of whiskey. who are we kidding here? i'm wearing a hat. shaving would require energy that i would never be able to locate. jules picked me up and we headed to the cinema. we were running late. it was blacker than black inside and we couldn't see where to sit.

"i will die if i sit on someone's lap," i whispered. she laughed, way too loudly.

we saw taking lives, i was pulling for eternal sunshine of the spotless mind again, but i let her pick. it was good. very easy to figure out, but good. i jumped at one part and yelled out some obscenity. she about ripped my arm off with the force she used to latch onto it. we laughed for a solid five minutes at being scared, and me yelling. we went baby shower shopping. okay, i obviously have a problem if i'm looking around the store for cute guys. they are dads with babies on the way. i'm shameless. we did italian for lunch. we laughed a lot. i giggled and turned a little red when she spoke of her lack of a filter, and sex & the city. flashbacks to conversations from the night before.

new alias tonight just adds to all that is perfection. another 16+ hour day of work is quickly approaching. i need a vacation. i'm in love with the amazing friends that i have in my life. the thoughts of moving and school are still on my mind. less talk, more action. i know, i know. i just need someone to decide it all for me.

hi, this is what you're doing, this is where you're moving, and this is the way to happiness. now hurry up, you've wasted enough time. grab my hand and let's get going...

i'm ready.

you dig everything of which i'm ashamed. there's not anything to which you can't relate.

was it the phone call that lasted from 11:40pm until 5:05am?

no.

was it the cute accent that only came out on certain words?

nope.

the giggle?

close. so, so close, but no.

the lack of a filter that you seem to have only when you talk to him, drunk OR sober?

eek.

the hundred other things that you meant to write down/remember but didn't?

no.


no if i had to pick just one thing it would be the following words:

you: if you call me, kimberly locke will answer my phone.

me: what?!

you: i don't know what i'm saying.

me: (laughing)

you: but you need to stop thinking of me in my underwear.

me: um, i'm so not dude. you are the one that keeps bringing it up.

you: what? what am i saying?

me: um yeah, exactly. goodnight.


and p.s. just for the record, no matter how hard you tried to push it, you are and were the ONLY one who was entertaining thoughts of you in your underwear my friend.

repeat, 100 times repeat...

"how can i go home with nothing to say. i know you're going to look at me that way. and say what did you do out there and what did you decide? you said you needed time, and you had time. you are a china shop and i am a bull. you are really good food and i am full. i guess everything is timing. i guess everything's been said. so i am coming home with an empty head. you'll say did they love you or what? i'll say they love what i do. the only one who really loves me is you. and you'll say girl you kicked some butt. and i'll say i don't really remember but my fingers are sore, my voice is too..."

take number 462?

how did lifehouse put it? sick-cycle carousel i think. you're doing it again. why are you doing this again? how is this even happening? every time i begin to think that i'm happy with the current state of my existence, your stupid name shows up on my phone. how long has it been since we've hung out? true i saw you on st. p's day but you had your tongue down another boy's throat. maybe it was my "i could care less that you're sitting right next to me" attitude that i had that day that spurred on tonight's phone call. not sure. i was having fun. i saw you watching me. guess you saw me ignoring you.

brian: "hey j, i was just thinking about you. i haven't seen you in a while. well, st. p's day, but you know what i mean. give me a call when you get this. i'll talk to you soon."

and i just sat there, ignoring your call. staring at the phone in disbelief. how did you know that i was happy this time? how did you know that i was having a really good day?

maybe i should call you? we all know of my weakness for you. and it's not like i'm doing anything else. why are things always this way?

um, scroll back. i'm over you remember?

i wanted you. you didn't want me. i don't want you. you want me. i'm (i don't know the word for it) on/in someone. he thinks i'm retarded. maybe i am retarded?

same tired dance, different partners.

if i could write...

"being gay gave me a special role at school. i seemed more trustworthy to the girls, more mysterious to the boys. i wasn't a boy or a girl. i was between them, a sort of gender diplomat. girls had already told me their most intimate secrets and fears, so telling girls was easy.

with guys, i was a lot more nervous. when i got neil in the car, i was well-practiced in the art of coming-out. i took him to the river, where we sat and talked for a solid hour before i began steering the conversation toward matters homo. nobody can steer a conversation like a gay person. like gaydar, it is one of our birthrights."

from how i learned to snap by kirk read

nightswimming

we pulled up to the water's edge and killed the engine on your dad's car. you turned the radio up as we both opened our doors to get out. that was the first night i'd heard r.e.m.'s nightswimming. that was the night when we decided to take up smoking, clove cigarettes of course. we sat back on the hood of the car, looking up at the stars. you talked about moving to montana, and finding a simple life. you said you wanted to be bi, because why would you want to cut the chances of finding your soul mate in half. you tried to talk me into switching schools and moving with you.

on the other side of ten years i stop and wonder how different things would be if i would have said yes to your proposition, rather than just laugh it off. i was so completely wrong for you, no matter how much i wanted it to work at the time. you were almost what i wanted, but i could never be what you needed. you tried. i tried. we walked away.

ms. b strikes again

ms. b: why aren't you dating anyone?

me: because i don't really want to.

ms. b: why not?

me: i'm okay being alone.

ms. b: no. who are you interested in, let's find someone for you.

me: what's with the sudden interest in pairing me off?

ms. b: thinking of you alone makes me sad. i want you to be with someone.

me: well i'm fine, but thanks.

ms. b: can i tell you something?

me: yeah?

ms. b: if you're not with anyone, i know you're touching yourself.

me: goodbye.

ms. b: okay i love you ba bye!

me: freak.

meme take two

and again with ryan adams

i love WHEN THE STARS GO BLUE.
i hate TOMORROW.
i feel LOVE IS HELL.
i see myself as AFRAID NOT SCARED .
i see my past as BURNING PHOTOGRAPHS.
my future looks like SOMEHOW, SOMEDAY.
i think DESIRE is attractive.
my slogan should be YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE SAME.
don't ever DO MISS AMERICA.
i consider 1974 to be HARDER NOW THAT IT'S OVER.

a meme from kia

take a band/singer and fill in the blanks with their song titles:

i chose lisa loeb

i love WHEN ALL THE STARS WERE FALLING.
i hate TAFFY.
i feel YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
i see myself as ALONE.
i see my past as IT'S OVER.
my future looks like ROSE-COLORED TIMES.
i think JAKE is attractive.
my slogan should be DO YOU SLEEP?
don't ever STAY.
i consider FALLING IN LOVE to be THE WAY IT REALLY IS.

just one of those nights

i’m taking a ride off to one side
it is a personal thing.
where?
when i can’t stand
up in this cage i’m not regretting.

i don’t need a better thing,
i’d settle for less,
it’s another thing for me,
i just have to wander through this world

alone.

stop before you fall
into the hole that i have dug here,
rest even as you
are starting to feel the way i used to,
i don’t need a better thing
(just to sound confused)
don’t talk about everyone,
i am not amused by you.

i’m gonna lose you,
yeah i’m gonna lose you
if i’m gonna lose you,

i’m gonna lose you,
yeah i’m gonna lose you
if i’m gonna lose you
i’ll lose you now for good.

lose you - pete yorn

blurry

lately the lines are beginning to blur. the lines that i was always able to tell apart. the lines that distinguish loneliness from being alone. i'm not sure which category i fit into any longer.

how to go from 0 to 60 & back on the self-esteem scale in under one minute

so there i am standing in line to pay for my movie ticket. i'm looking down at my wallet, surveying the money situation. woman and her brats little angels in front of me, buying theirs. i look up and see the cute boy at the booth looking at me. he smiles, turns red and quickly looks down. naturally i do the same. it was the outfit, i was loving it, and now he was too. ticket in hand, feeling good i walk off. i see him turn to look at me out of the corner of my eye. made my day.


i walk to the concession stand to buy a bottle of water. still trying to shake the early stages of this cold. scratchy throat, i needed something to drink. another cute guy at the counter. i ask for my water. cold causes my voice to crack and sound mutant-like. "is that all for you?" he asks. "yes." i say throwing my money at him and running to my movie.

thank you

thanks to a heads up from christopher, who i've been a horrible friend to lately, i was finally able to track down the teitur disc today at borders. true i downloaded 90% of the songs before i could find it. but nothing compares to actually having the cd right there in your music addicted little hands. if you don't own this cd, do yourself a favor and pick it up. i'm not as talented as he is when it comes to reviewing music, so i won't embarrass myself by attempting one. all i can tell you is that it brings a smile to my face. it puts thoughts in my head of people i'd like to forget, and people i'd like to know better. and that's really good enough for me. thanks chris for exposing me to this excellent cd.

farts, texts and a petition

reasons why my manager should hate me, but doesn't:

1. she has this smoker's cough, so she coughs a lot.
when she does cough i make quiet little fart sounds with my mouth that appear to come from her.

2. while working with her tonight i began to sing along to the muzak.
"after all" cher & peter cetera.
i sang it loud and proud in the best soprano style voice i could conjure up. for some reason she walked away from me.

3. when the others came over to tell us how they were doing things i proudly announced, "well our system is me doing all the work while she stands there watching me."

4. and the most amazing one of all. me sneaking up behind her and scaring her, as i often do. this time however i scared her so bad that she farted. louder than i will ever be able to believe. i laughed, i cried, i couldn't breathe for a good ten minutes. i eventually ended up in a head-lock.




twenty-five dollars worth of text messaging on this months bill is completely and totally out of control.




totally random.
yes it's almost 3am. yes i'm all cracked out on cold medication. yes i worked for almost 16 hours today. but i can't be the only one who is dying for kate & allie to come out on dvd, i mean come on. surely i am not alone in this? i need to get a petition started. who's with me? anyone? anyone...

i loved the maltese falcon episode when emma's dad sent her the gift that got them all into a mess. and the one with jenny singing "goodbye to you" to her loser boyfriend was pretty sweet as well.

i wonder what paper he got this from?

my horoscope:

how you ask determines what you'll get. assume that no one else has claimed independent ownership of your bright idea. starting over again refreshes you on many levels. "starting over again moving to boston refreshes you on many levels."



cute. very cute.

why i love my little guy

J,

thank you for the present and hope to see u soon.

C



simple emails like this make me smile.
knowing that i only get to see the little guy about three times a year breaks my heart.

ick

i'm not digging this snow. snow again? i am a huge fan of snow, but we've had enough this past winter to last us for a few years. plus a warm day here and there, that taunts me into foolishly thinking that flip flop days are just moments away, makes me that much more pissed. pissed i say.

i can't get this bill/budget thing under control. to be honest it's more of a lack of trying rather than anything else. all i want to do is keep partying like a rockstar. all i should be doing is become the grownup that i need to be.

and, oh guess what?! i get t o put in a 16-18 hour work day tomorrow. mondays always suck due to the amount of work that's involved. this news just makes the thought of driving in tomorrow almost unbearable. i may find myself cranking up the xm and driving right past work, straight to another state.

i want to see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. EVERYone i know looks at the trailer alone in a total state of confusion. EVERYone i know hated being john malkovich. EVERYone i know says, "pass" when i say i want to see this movie. what's a sad little mo to do?

the good points, i swear there are a few:

another new alias tonight.
finishing my book.
watching camp.
thoughts of my bed, soon. i will get eight hours of sleep tonight for the first time in several weeks.
plus i'm finally listening to the rooney cd that paul gave me forever ago. and i'm really liking it. i wasn't all that blown away when we saw them in concert, but the cd is pretty good. and any band that can reference the neverending story is top-notch in my book.

ghetto sleepovers

last night me and my adorable ms. b chilled like a couple of welfare kids livin' large in the trailer park. apparently my cell phone is being a little bitch. could it be the missing antenna, a causality of the "great drunken incident of 2004". oh yeah, which one? anyway. she called me twice and i missed both the calls. the phone never even rang. i'm walking around the house with phone in hand and the little bitch starts vibrating. what the? two messages, but zero calls. so she'd been trying to reach me for the last hour. i called her back a couple times and she couldn't hear me. we finally got things straight and i took off. first a beer run, then off to the ghetto. she lives in a scary part of town. people standing in the street and refusing to move as you approach them in your car, scary. little five year olds flipping you the bird and cursing at your car, scary. i asked her if she informed her husband of her plans to move to L.A. with me. she said that she'd send him a postcard to fill him in. she bought thirty dollars worth of food, for the two of us. i ate like two dollars worth myself. chips, doritos, pretzels, cheese, cheese sticks, potato skins, candy... i stuck with my beer and doritos. she rented three movies and i brought five with me. she informed me that we'd be watching them all. "it looks like i'll be here for the next three days", i said. we chose go first. one of my favorites, and one she had never seen. i was a little worried, she tends to scoff at my movie choices. i however see nothing wrong with the rules of attraction. she ended up loving go. we did the pallbearer next. gotta get my gwyneth fix. i remember liking that movie a lot more in the past than i did last night. hmmm. after that i told her i needed to head home. it was 2am, and it was snowing again. but she wouldn't let me go. "now we are watching 40 days & 40 nights", she informed me. "my eyes can't stay open that long", i laughed. "no, you are having a sleepover with me. i never have sleepovers anymore. i don't care if you're a boy and my husband is sleeping upstairs, we're having a sleepover", she explained. considering my weakness for all things josh hartnett i caved. i forgot how cute he looked in that movie. i want a boy that dresses exactly like that, the body wouldn't hurt either, but i loved his clothes. my dream boy of the week now looks like josh in that movie or the lead singer from maroon5. why do i feel like i should be cutting out pictures from tiger beat and hanging them on my wall? so about five minutes into that movie ms. b was out. i got up to leave thought "who am i kidding?" and fell back onto the couch. i laid there watching the movie, holding onto my phone in the slight chance that i'd get a call from a kick ass boy, sadly that call never came. instead i just fell asleep to the sight of josh hartnett having sex. things could be worse.

my two favorite lines from the evening:

ms. b: i'm still waiting on that napkin. (after asking mr. b to bring her one a few minutes earlier).

mr. b: i fed you, now go away!
me: are you talking to me?!
mr. b: no the cats, you can eat as much as you want.

at the stars

i forget where we were coming back from as we turned down that road. i can still see the top of the ferris wheel peaking out over that building. you pointed for me to turn. i reminded you that you were the one with a curfew. your smile and dimples assured me that a few minutes more would be okay. you reminded me that your mom loved me, and would let my bad influence slide. we found a place to park, got out and walked down that dark alley. you stood on the curb, balancing yourself on the edge, looking down at me. you were days away from going off to school. your insecurity and awkwardness brought a smile to my face. more beautiful than anyone i knew, but you didn't see that. you talked of getting through school and moving to new york city. you asked me if i'd move there with you when you came back home. i smiled and asked you if you'd even remember me when you got back home. i looked up at the stars when you turned to look at me looking at you. i wanted to remember every tiny fragment of that moment. the warm summer breeze, your smile, the music from the merry-go-round playing behind us, the stars. i wanted to remember then. now i find myself unable to forget.

listage

my 101 favorite songs in no particular order, after the top 10:

a sorta fairytale - tori amos
the scientist - coldplay
honey and the moon - joesph arthur
the dumbing down of love - frou frou
anna begins - counting crows
closer to you - the wallflowers
hang - matchbox twenty
if i were brave - shawn colvin
only a dream - mary-chapin carpenter
almost happy - k's choice

i never dreamed you'd leave in summer - stevie wonder
joey - concrete blonde
winter - tori amos
motorcycle drive by - third eye blind
ez - pete yorn
collide - howie day
ghost - howie day
lost cause - beck
i shall believe/the first cut is the deepest - sheryl crow
close my eyes - evan and jaron
best i ever had (grey sky morning) - vertical horizon
try - nelly furtado
baby can i hold you - tracy chapman
have a little faith in me - john hiatt, mandy moore
absence of fear - jewel
i miss you - blink182
this year's love - david gray
la cienega just smiled - ryan adams
crowing - toad the wet sprocket
good enough - sarah mclachlan
high and dry - radiohead
communication - the cardigans
it's a mother fucker - eels
both sides now - joni mitchell
river - indigo girls
landslide - fleetwood mac, smashing pumpkins, dixie chicks
that particular time - alanis morissette
time after time - cyndi lauper
comfortable - john mayer
you and i both - jason mraz
at the stars - better than ezra
follow through - gavin degraw
are you sad - our lady peace
bent - matt nathanson
special - garbage
gone to the movies - semisonic
somewhere in the middle - dishwalla
i do - jude
nightswimming - rem
phobic - plumb
less than love is nothing - jonatha brooke
displaced - azure ray
each little mystery - seven mary three
jimmy eat world - lucky denver mint
2000 miles - the pretenders
the way you look tonight - tony bennett
let your shoulder fall - matthew jay
every time we say goodbye - annie lennox
amie - damien rice
blue - the jayhawks
heart and shoulder - heather nova
so long - guster
forever blue - chris isaak
wild horses - the sundays
falling in love - lisa loeb
sway - bic runga
run - collective soul
no need to argue - the cranberries
don't come home too soon - del amitri
close to you - far too jones
the luckiest - ben folds
brick - ben folds five
pavement cracks - annie lennox
the power of goodbye - madonna
this perfect world - freedy johnston
across the universe - fiona apple
that day - natalie imbruglia
persuasion - richard thompson ft. teddy thompson
got you where i want you - the flys
missing - everything but the girl
cry - faith hill
hey julie - fountains of wayne
hemorrhage (in my hands) - fuel
head on straight - tonic
lemon parade - tonic
L.A. song - beth hart
drive - the cars
in my place - coldplay
pictures of you - the cure
white flag - dido
wonder - embrace
times like these - foo fighters
you left me a song - heather nova
there's more to me than you - jessica andrews
not pretty enough - kasey chambers
she will be loved - maroon 5
you know me - the format
any day now - rubyhorse
turn - travis
cowboy take me away - dixie chicks

you were meant for me, and i was meant for you

ms. b: will you come to my funeral?

me: yes, can i sing?

ms. b: yeah, what are you gonna sing?

me: hmm, something by x-tina.

us: oh, dirrty!

ms. b: and you can tie little strings to my arms and move me like a puppet when it's time to throw elbows.

me: um, i think your family might be horrified at that.

ms. b: yeah, but it's my funeral. why's it always gotta be about them? that should be my day.

me: you are wrong.

ms. b: why is there nothing cool to do in ohio?

me: i don't know. that's why i want to leave.

ms. b: i wanna move to L.A.

me: really?

ms. b: yes, will you move with me?

me: um, yeah.

ms. b: cool.

me: i think your sister might be pissed if you leave.

ms. b: she'd have to get in line behind my husband.

me: you wouldn't take him?!?

ms. b: hell no, just you. i'm done with him.

me: you're insane.

ms. b: okay, gotta go. he's home with dinner. i need to tell him that i'm leaving him. i'll see you tomorrow night. love you, ba bye!

me: (laughing)

abstract

you walk. taking steps away from one heartbreak straight into the arms of the next. close your eyes, just jump. what's the worst that could happen? another bruise. another scrape. after a while you begin to think that boys only possess the ability to harm. to hurt you. to break you. you forget that there are some out there who can make you smile. we build these lives adding and removing people from the tapestry almost on a daily basis. why let in someone new? the old ones have hurt you enough. who needs that?

someone new passes by. your arm instinctively raises in an attempt to stop them. don't let this one slip through your hands. after the last one, you didn't think you'd get an opportunity like this again. in spite of all the damage that you've done, you see some sun coming up over the horizon. are you going to jump? or just stay safely tucked away. away from harm. away from the possibility of failure? but there's also the possibility of greatness. this might be the one that helps you remember how to smile. haunted by the past. fearful of the future. the present? good question.

to the most amazing person in boston

thank you

you are the wind beneath my wings

where is KIA: that's the end of you and me.

just so you know, there is no end to you and me. no worries.
you are my bette midler and i am barbara hershey.

me, gay? surely you jest.

hi. my name's J and i'm an alcoholic

me: i love the new social me.

ms. k: i have no idea where he came from, but i do too.

up at 5:45am. me, the best friend & her boy drinking by 7am. pancakes and sausage never tasted so good. five dollars in the juke box, of course. i saw "escape" and new i had to play it. good times. called ms. b and taunted her and professed our love for her while she was at work missing out on the debauchery. at one point nikki showed up. B and his boy met up with us as well. it was good to see him again. finally over him, good. consumed a beer, or eight. got the hiccups at one point. apparently told everyone that i was moving to boston. somehow we made it to our favorite italian place for lunch. i think we took a cab? me with tomato sauce all over the sleeve of my new shirt. this is why i can't have nice things. i called kia several times. i made it home around four. drunk. passed out on my couch. woke up at ten having no clue what day it was. returned kia's call. got an email way too late. damn the man. and after being up for two hours i've decided to go back to bed.

"you scheduled yourself off from work, were drinking at 7am, and were drunk before noon. that is fantastic." - ms. beaverhausen

real world

randy: that's just tom foolery, you can't be having that.

jacquese: when big ran was kissing her i hope her fake tooth don't come out.

nice.

two years ago tomorrow

(in honor of the drunken mess that will soon follow)

so the best friend and i decided to fly out to chicago to visit my friends for st. patrick's day. can you believe that it's next to impossible to find green beer in the windy city? you big city folk don't have that? that's all the rage back on the farm.

green food coloring + ANY beer = green beer, not a complicated recipe.

that was sadly disappointing. we spent a good chunk of our day crammed into a jetta looking for, "the best place to party."

me: if it has beer and sweet music i'll be happy.

jeannie: no, i want to find someplace sweet. it's not every day you party in chicago.

me: yeah, but our flight leaves in two days. could we maybe find a bar today?

slowly and surely we made our way closer to the burbs. closer to their place. closer to where we started, several hours earlier in the day.

ms. k: honestly, if it's got four walls and a ceiling and the beer is flowing, we'll be happy.

so we found this cool little bar in an apartment complex. it looked like an old ski lodge. i thought it was pretty cool. breeder central, naturally, but cool. we went inside and there were four other people there. we decided it was early, around five or so, so we'd give it a shot. plus, as we said we weren't picky. so we all hit up the restrooms, hello several ours in a car. then we made our way to a table and ordered beer. lots of beer.

us: green beer?

server: nope.

us: and why would you? i mean you wouldn't want to be the only place in all of chicago serving it.

so we drank. a lot. and then ordered like three more pitchers. i did my typical find the cute straight guys and then make them think my friends are easy and interested. jeannie and ms. k ended up on this stage doing karaoke. i sat at the table and laughed at with them.


after asking for our bill, discovering that the place didn't accept credit cards, and trying to get enough money together, we headed home. the entire drive i kept turning the seat warmer on ms. k's side up to five. did i mention that i have stealth like abilities?

ms. k: why is my ass on fire?!

me: giggle. giggle.

ms. k: J!

this went on for at least half an hour. and not once did she see me bump her up to five. the entire trip we had been singing enrique iglesias' "escape" however i made up my own words. it had just come out then, and it was on the chicago/st. patrick's day mix i made. me once again taking control of the music at all times. feel free to sing along...

"you can run you can hide, but you can't escape butt love."

yes i'm juvenile. and yes it's infectious.

as we made our way back to the apartment, i told jeannie that ms. k was all too familiar with the subject of the song. just as she was screaming out, "i've never been fucked in the ass!", we turned the corner and discovered a little kid and his mother standing there carrying a laundry basket.

ms. k: oh, sorry about your kid.

jeannie and i both pretended to be shocked and outraged at ms. k's potty mouth. she already felt like an ass, we were just adding more fuel to the fire.

ms. k: guys, seriously why was there a little kid out at two in the morning. i think hearing that was the least of his troubles.

tomorrow the tradition continues. we're meeting at 6:30 in the a.m. to start our day. green beer. beads. new outfits. drunk dialing, oh yes, there will be plenty of that. *trust*

conversations from the wasteland

GOODtobegreen: there's a new QAF pic in the new details.

where is KIA: so they finally admit they are the gay mens mag?

GOODtobegreen: wait till you see the cover. wicked gay.

where is KIA: who's on the cover?

GOODtobegreen: nicholas lachey.

where is KIA: shirtless?

GOODtobegreen: in what i think is jessica's coat???

GOODtobegreen: yeah, but i think he might have a gut. he's hiding his belly in all the pics in one way or another.

where is KIA: haha

where is KIA: married life

i swear i'm not a perv

is it wrong that the new picture of lucas black in the latest issue of details makes my pants do the happy dance? most of the movies i've seen him in are from when he was a little kid. yes, he's 21 now, and painfully hot in that picture, but still i must say i'm a little weirded out by that. not enough to turn the page mind you, but weirded out all the same.

your future says run, but you can't even walk

spoke with my sister tonight about the big move. didn't go as well as planned. well, i pretty much already knew what she ended up telling me. but i had hoped for some better, more positive news. oh well. she said that to avoid the out of state tuition i'd have to live in the state for at least a year, and i knew that. but i thought maybe that could be avoided with her moving their first, if i ended up going there. however if i go with my city of choice, boston, then that wouldn't make much of a difference. she suggested going to school for a year here first and then transferring after she's been there for a year. i told her that wasn't really what i had in mind.

a) i kinda want to move now. i've been kicking the idea around for at least five or six years now. and if i'm going to do it i'd rather do it now instead of putting it off for another year.

and b) if i picked a school here, why just do it for a year and then leave? i might as well just stick with that school then. so there's always move and work for a year and then apply. if it was boston that is. the problem is i don't want to put the school thing off any longer.

but how do i just pick up and move without someone to split rent with? my two places of choice are more pricey than what i'm currently used to. while making my car payments? and paying off the debt? while looking for a job. this sucks.

two good things came out of our talk however. she said that once she gets settled she'll be in the position to help me out with tuition, if i needed her to. and when i spoke of the guilt issue and how our mom would have both of her kids out of state, my sister said that she thought she'd be okay. she said if she knew that i was finally happy then she'd find a way to be okay with it. i needed to hear that.

things i know:

i want to live in a new town.
i want to go back to school.
i want the mr.
i want the house.
i want the white picket fence.
i want the 2.5 kids.
i want the dog named sebastian.
i want the summer home.

i want it now.

inferno

holly: that was unbelievable!

bitch please. she stood on a block and listened to some unpleasant noise. come one.


next week: oh my cock! was that CT workin it in a tiny tiny pink bikini? i'm setting my timer as i type this.

i love

emails from melissa at 10:01pm on sunday nights giving me her review of alias, and asking for mine in return.

that i've known melissa for twenty-one years.

it when the best friend knows what i'm thinking just by me giving her one of my three looks.

it when she says, "that my friend is unagi."

when you hear a cover of one of your all time favorite songs, and you like the cover better.

dancing, above the dance floor, on the platform in front of the window on thursday nights with nikki.

getting emails from juliet telling me that it's my turn to pick the movie.

that i've known juliet for twenty-four years.

best friends who don't mind when i fondle their boobies when i'm drunk.

sunshine in full effect, windows down, and jonatha brooke playing as i smile.

knowing that you're out there, that you're reading this, and hope that you're thinking of me as well.

that party of five season one (FINALLY) comes out on dvd in may.

that i have every episode of felicity, party of five, popular, my so-called life, buffy and roswell (minus episode two of the hybrid chronicles) on tape.

freaking out when i hear i can own them on dvd.

buying them the day they come out.

wondering why i'm always broke.

books that you can't put down, no matter how tired you are.

traditions like being with the best friend on every st. patrick's day and new year's eve over the past eight or so years.

making mix cds.

phone calls around midnight and the person saying, "what? hold on." and then "hello?" moments later. or, "put the glass down brother."

text messages from ms. b, always random, always hilarious, always right when i need them most.

that only two people in this world really get me.

wanting it to be three.

knowing that when it comes to the best friend that "maybe" pretty much always means no.

going to work every day knowing that in the back of my mind i've already quit that place.

long IM conversations when i should be in bed, asleep.

talking to you.

maps

i'm building a map to my heart with each passing day.

"the more i share, the more i open up, the more layers that i peel back and expose the easier it is for you to come inside. i'm allowing you inside. for the first time in my life i don't rush inside and lock the door behind me, fearing what might get in. i don't sleep with the lights on, fearing the dark. in the dark, when i open my eyes, i can't see that you're not here by my side. a tiny trick i can play on my mind, on my heart. my heart that breaks every morning when i rise to find that you really aren't here. that sadly, you exist only in my dreams. i show you parts of me that no one knows. parts that i never wanted to share with anyone else. parts that i guess i was saving just for you. it's strange to have this new perspective, seeing things through the eyes of something more than just me. seeing things that i never believed existed before. it's all right there for you. i just wonder if you will ever piece it all together and come and find me."

alias, sweet sweet alias

first jack bristow kills a man. because he can.
then brings him back to life, just to get the guy to talk. again, because he's just that badass.

then vaughn and syd share a moment. cue the music. cue me almost crying. yes, there's the emotional part that's been lacking so much this season. there was so much of that in the first two seasons, this year not so much. those are the scenes that i need to help me miss felicity a little less. now i just need to figure out who sang that song. it sounded a lot like shawn colvin but i'm pretty sure it wasn't her because i think i own all of her stuff. i'm thinking maybe patty griffin? i'll figure it out sooner or later.

the only ick factor was sloane and the shrink in bed together. what-ev-er. i know he needs a storyline, but come on.

minor confusion

when i was younger i was confused on the definition of what a gang bang was. i used to think that a gang bang meant getting beat up by a group of gang members. i used this word inaccurately on several occasions before i knew what it really meant. and i always wondered why people reacted so strangely to me saying that we were about to get gang banged.

a least i wasn't as confused as my friend gregg. in the fourth grade he took the term blow job literally and swore to us that it was more of a blowing rather than a sucking thing. i hope someone eventually set him straight on that one, because he was pretty insistent on standing by his definition.

days go by

i am my only obstacle. i am my only roadblock. it's only ever been me. and for the first time in my life i feel like i'm ready to move the hell out of the way.


you've already lived a full life. and i'm still waiting for mine to begin.


"can we stop all the world now. sooner or later. i'll lose all control now. when the rain stops we'll end it." - howie day


"you were mine, and now you're mine to want. and i knew if you'd cut the cord and rushed like balloons i'd fall. it's criminal to pause as you basked in the season of i had it all and i forgot what i had sometimes." - embrace

it's about time for my arrival

yup. that's right. me. ms. b. fifth row. christina aguilera. and since i bought the britney tickets, she said these ones were on her. score. now i don't have to worry about spending my money on silly things when i should be focusing on issues a little more important. yes, i can't really put a price tag on spending time with the people that i love the most. but i'll never be able to quit my job and become the nomad i'm destined to be if i keep spending the way i've been spending. said the guy with three sets of concert tickets sitting on his dresser. and damien rice is coming around soon. i feel myself getting weaker by the minute. i need to look into visiting a couple cities in the late spring/early summer before i can really get my mind wrapped around the move. the move, i make it sound like it's a done deal rather than the wishful thinking it really is. i think that a taste of something new, something different would help give me the slight nudge that i need. school, job, place to live... eek. maybe i could just move somewhere and be a kept man. any offers? note to self, find sugar daddy.


i feel a slight cold type thing coming on. could be the five hours of sleep each night that i've been averaging lately. could be the random people who have sneezed on me lately. i'm not sure. so i'm staying in tonight to ward off the evil. i can't be sick for st. patrick's day. that holiday was made for lushes such as myself. well, that holiday and thursdays. and i have the new outfit to wear, i can't let my fans down. was that a snicker? anyway, so i'm kicking it on the couch tonight. i just finished watching mona lisa smile and i LOVED it. julia, julia and maggie. so good. and now i have an mp3 player to fill up, a new book to finish, and another flick to watch. we'll see where the night takes me. the possibilities are endless.

sorry ma'am

1. enter your first name only into google.
2. then click the "images" tab.
3. pick the first image and post it in your journal.









i wonder if i should take the third one down on the "web" tab as a sign?

in my noggin

"all the signs were there for me to see. if i cry out with fear, i'll feel more afraid."

wonder - embrace


"don't think that your charm and the fact that your arm is now around my neck will get you in my pants. i'll have to kick your ass and make you never forget."

don't tell me - avril lavigne


"my window through which nothing hides. and everything sees. i'm counting the signs and cursing the miles in between. home is a feeling i buried in you. i'm alright, i'm alright, it only hurts when i breathe."

breathe - melissa etheridge


"so i close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by. there is no time to waste asking why. i'll run away with you by my side."

echo - trapt


"it's down to this i've got to make this life make sense. can anyone tell what i've done. i missed life. i missed the colours of the world. can anyone tell where i am. 'cause now again i've found myself so far down, away from the sun.

away from the sun - three doors down

jody

i remember my first crush.

his name was jody. we were in the third grade. no, i'm not really sure if it was a full blown crush. i don't think i even realized it was a crush at the time, but looking back now i'm almost certain it was. he was a beautiful boy with a beautiful face, dark wavy hair, dark eyes. he loved michael jackson. he had the zipper jacket. i think his was black and not red though. all the girls loved him. i spent most recesses with him. we talked a lot about music. he was different from the other boys. he was different from everyone. i think that's what drew me to him. even as a little kid i was obsessed with music. while the other boys played football or basketball we sat and listened to our cassette tapes. he was in my life for one year. his family moved around quite often. ohio was his last home. over the summer he was playing with a neighbor and they found a gun in a parent's closet. the gun went off, and jody was dead. we found out about it when school started up again in the fall. it never seemed real to any of us. it still doesn't. it's more like a story i once read rather than something that happened in my life. he was a good friend for the year that i knew him. i didn't even know who i was at the time, but with him i was comfortable. with him it felt okay to be a little different from the other boys. with him it was nice to be understood. people are placed into our lives for reasons. sometimes it takes a little time to figure out what that reason is.

as if i need another reason to love ms. b

she called me on her drive home from work and left some voice mail. she didn't say a word, she just played yeah by usher. and the cutest part was that i could hear her singing along faintly in the background.

AND.

we're seeing our dirrty little x-tina (finally) together. i thought she was going to drive off the road when i called to tell her that our dirrty bird was finally coming to town. she and JT punked out on us for the justified & stripped tour. we saw his solo show a few months back. and now we'll have x-tina this summer. britney in a couple weeks and then christina, yes i really am that gay.
i swear i have good taste in music, i just also have a weakness for all that is the pop.

friday five

1. what was the last song you heard?
one shot, two shots - the format

2. what were the last two movies you saw?
cold mountain which i loved.
and runaway jury which was surprisingly good.

3. what were the last three things you purchased?
a kick ass outfit for st. patrick's day at hollister today.
toothpaste at target.
and two cds at best buy, jonatha brooke and jc chasez. sadly they were out of teitur.

4. what four things do you need to do this weekend?
pay some bills.
come up with a budget.
look into relocating.
catch up with some great friends.

5. who are the last five people you talked to?
ms. k
jonathan
kia
ms. b
my sister

random

my co-worker is evil. straight from the ickiest, hottest depths of hell. bitch knows i'm trying to watch what i eat. bitch knows my lack of self-control. bitch keeps buying my favorite candy bars and leaving them in random places for me to find. i just pout and eat my yogurt and carrots. i think she's trying to rocket to the top of my list and replace janitor evil. she calls me anorexic. i call her hillbilly chicken lover.

spoke with my mom tonight. she was fighting back some tears when she told me that my cousin's ex-husband was killed on monday night. i guess he was involved in a car accident. three cars, two dead drivers, and he was one of them. their marriage went all sorts of bad, but he really was a good guy. my mom was fond of him. it's insane the way things play out sometimes. his father passed away when he was a teenager, and it took him several years to recover from that. after my dad passed away he told me that it took him a long time to move on from losing his dad. how he had spent several years in a fog, and doing a lot of drugs, not really aware of anything that was going on around him. now his son is about to go through the same mess.

is it too late for me to have my felicity life? picking up and moving across the country to go to school. chasing after a boy. guess i need to find the school and the boy first before i set off on my journey. i'm a sad, sad little dork.

how do you drive yourself anywhere?

her: it looks like they're celebrating something.

me: oh, maybe it was for mardis gras?

her: no, something else.

me: hmm, don't know.

her: oh it looks like cinco de mayo.

me: um, that's in may.

her: no, i'm pretty sure it's for cinco de mayo. i think it fell early this year.

me: cinco de mayo means fifth of may.

her: oh.

me: yeah.

in my head

oh, this is the start of something good
don't you agree?
i haven't felt like this in so many moons
you know what i mean?
and we can build through this destruction
as we are standing on our feet
so since you want to be with me
you'll have to follow through
with every word you say
and i, all i really want is you
for you to stick around
i'll see you everyday
but you have to follow through
you have to follow through
these reeling emotions they just keep me alive
they keep me in tune
oh, look what i‘m holding here in my fire
this is for you
am i too obvious to preach it
you're so hypnotic on my heart
so since you want to be with me
you'll have to follow through
with every word you say
and i, all i really want is you
for you to stick around
i'll see you everyday
but you have to follow through
you have to follow through
the words you say to me are unlike anything
that's ever been said
and what you do to me is unlike anything
that's ever been
am i too obvious to preach it
you're so hypnotic on my heart
so since you want to be with me
you'll have to follow through
with every word you say
and i, all i really want is you
for you to stick around
i'll see you everyday
so since you want to be with me
you'll have to follow through
with every word you say
and i, all i really want is you
for you to stick around
i'll see you everyday
but you have to follow through
you have to follow through
you're gonna have to follow
oh, this is the start of something good
don't you agree?

follow through - gavin degraw

great minds

kia: jack: can i sleep over?
karen: yeah but no pj bottoms

kia: hahahaha

me: that would be you!

kia: that would be so me!

kia: hahahaha

rewind

my day started out with me waking up laughing a little and confused a lot. i had this bizarre xxx dream about my friend jim. now i've never really thought of him in that way. his boyfriend? yes, but him? not so much. so it was completely random and completely off-the-wall. real wasn't even the word for it, and i guess that's why i was a little confused. i haven't been able to shake that one all day. part two tonight? *fingers crossed*

lunch was excellent today. nancy brought us some fresh bruschetta from her other job. i thought i was going to die. i was making all sorts of moaning sounds while eating it. it wasn't that amazing, but i enjoy my freak-like status at work so i had to amuse them in some way. it rocked. she rocks. the end.

so i decided today, yes while eating the bruschetta, that i'm going to start counting calories. i just don't feel like all that i've done over the past year has been enough. sure i see some results (very little) and i'm getting compliments, but it's just not enough. i don't want the compliments, i want to be happy when i look in a mirror. i want to see what they see, and i just don't see it. you see? so i thought i'd give that a go along with the workout routine i'm getting back into. 45-50 minutes on the treadmill every day along with 30 minutes of lifting. maybe i should ask jen for some advice. she seems to be seeing some results with all of her hard work from what i've been reading over the past few months. i just don't feel like i'm at the place where i thought i'd be after a year of all this hard work. i know i'm not where i want to be. i'd like to try and lose say ten more pounds by july. that's doable. i guess i really don't want to lose that much more, i just need to work on the toning thing. but july will bring me my family reunion, ick, and the wedding of one of my best friends from high school, yay. so i'd like to try and feel better about myself by then. *shrugs*

and today found random stranger number four talking to me. (i'll save the other three for another time). i have no idea what it is about me that makes people think that i'm so approachable, but hey whatever. i was standing in line at the post office waiting to mail out kia's package and this man turned around and started talking to me. i agreed that the weather was nice. that winter has been hanging around too long. and that i'm sure people are eager to start golfing again. he told me that he hadn't golfed since last year when he had open heart surgery. i asked him if he was doing okay now and he seemed a little surprised that i showed some concern. he thanked me for asking and said that he was a lot better now. it made me think of my dad and i wished that he could be somewhere having the same conversation with some stranger. but that's not how things played out. so the man let me go in front of him, i mailed the package, and i headed home.

and the end to my perfect day found me seeing that sweet new GAP commercial for khakis. i think that's the guy from under the tuscan sun, the one that was in their old ads as well. hotty mchotterson i think is his name? i want every outfit that he has on in that commercial, especially that bright orangish/pink polo. nice. and i'd like music to play while i'm walking down the street rockin' out in my new clothes, but what can you do? i'd take one of him too, but i haven't been able to find him at my GAP, they must be sold out.

more tales from a vacation

her: we saw the "world's biggest cow" while we were on vacation.

me: fun times.

her: yeah, they even had the cow doing tricks.

me: tricks?

her: yeah, they held up a yam and told the cow to spin, and he did!

me: so what did they hold up to get you to spin?

finger food

her: did you hear what happened at red robin the other night?

me & nikki: no? (looking at one another, worried)

me: we were just there.

her: oh, well someone found a piece of a finger in their salad.

nikki: what?!

me: ick.

her: yeah, i guess someone was chopping something up and they lost part of their finger and then couldn't find it. it ended up in someone's salad.

nikki: maybe that's why i was so sick the next day?

me: no, that would be from the ten beers and one shot that you consumed.

nikki: i don't remember what salad i even ordered.

me: wasn't it the chicken finger salad?

san diego gems

brad (to his girlfriend) - "this isn't a vacation dood, it's a living situation."

he called his girlfriend dude, and danced like a monkey, again. and he thanked her for the "top".

jacquese - "randy's on r. kelly status right now."

i'm liking him more and more. he has the best quotes, unlike jamie the voiceless roomie that just hovers in the corner of my tv screen.

and randy, well he's still pretty. likes to make up his own words, but pretty.

"i just want to fast-forward to the part where we end up together."

reason # 1262 why xm radio brings a lil' tear to my eye:

a tonic live and acoustic set playing on the drive into work today.
makes me very happy that i left early and took the long way in today.

welcome back, nice cock.

me: how was your trip?

her: nice. we bought chickens!

me: you bought chickens?!?

her: yeah, two. ruby jean and little joe.

me: (silence) staring at her.

her: yeah chickens.

me: (silence)

her: it's the latest thing. people are buying chickens now.

me: (silence) making her regret ever opening her mouth.

her: lil' joe crows at 5am.

me: well i love cocks just as much as the next guy, but i'd be damned if i'd let one wake me up at 5am.

her: haha. we took pictures!

me: did you pose with it?

her: no but my husband did.

me: well it sounds like your trip was just a regular hillbilly hoe-down, wasn't it?

so how was your day?

things that blow like a tennesse two buck ho:

waking up this morning to find a few inches of snow on the ground.

snow, after having seventy plus degrees and sun the other day.

without any advance notice the road i take to work was closed today?
the detour road was severely backed up and caused me to be late for work.


things that rawk like warrant:

because my lateness was traffic related, and HR loves me, it won't count against me. *sliding by once again*

i learned that my dirrty little one, x-tina, will be in town in june to see me.

i came home to find my mp3 player (ordered friday evening) sitting here waiting for me!
here in three days (one being a sunday) with free shipping??? nice.

my tax refund also waiting = how to pay for an mp3 player.

my GAP refund check for the negative balance on my GAP card also waiting.

and thoughts of quitting my job and getting out of this town kept a smile on my face all damn day.

(sidenote)
i may or may not, intentionally or otherwise, have caused my nemesis aka evil janitor to almost fall today = yay for revenge, boo 'cause bitch didn't go down.

A L I A S

well tonight's episode should blow the whole lauren and sark, excuse me julian, as siblings theory out of the water. i never bought into that one. i'm still banking on my initial thought that syd and sark are both sloane spawn. one groomed for good, one for evil. but that's just me. the whole double perspective episode rocked, and the chase scene set to blur's song #2...*sweeeet*

p.s. lauren, thank gawd you did something about those brows of yours. my tv screen wasn't big enough for you and whatever look you were shooting for with your former crazy caterpillars.

another magic eight ball moment

i talked to my sister for about an hour today about the possibility of me moving this summer. ever since josh relocated to boston, my dream city, i've been kicking around the idea of visiting him like he asked me to. then maybe eventually turning the visit into more of a permanent thing? however my sister helped me to see that other cities might be more doable, aka cheaper. so we'll see. i'm just shocked that i finally voiced the thoughts that i've had in my head for over a year now to someone who could actually help me do something about it. she's always been the best place for me to go to when i need advice. i'm the romantic, the dreamer in the family. she's the realist. i say this would be cool, she says yes but there's always this to factor in. and then i'm like, oh yeah, guess i didn't think about that. so it was nice to hear her take on things. she's supportive and said that she'd do as much as she could to help me get things moving. her help would make things a lot more affordable in the end. besides all the cool bloggers live on the east coast anyway, right?

sunday schooled

today we learned that people who are considering marriage must love one another with the same kind of love that God has for them in order for the marriage to last. and since God hates fags, well then of course fags can't get married. silly faggots marriage is for breeders.

today we also learned that my God laughs at the ignorance that you and your god proudly pass along to others as truth.

when i cry, i close my eyes
and every tear falls down inside
and i pray with all my might
that i will find my heart in someone's arms
when i cry, cry

when i cry
when i am sad, i think of every awful thing i ever did
oh when i cry, there is no love,
no there is nothing that can comfort me enough
when i cry,
cry, cry

the salt inside my body ruins everyone i come close to
my hands are barely holding up my head
i am so tired of looking at my feet
and all the secrets that i keep
my heart is barely hangin' by a thread
hangin' by a thread

oh look at me
at all i've done
i've lost so many things that i so dearly loved
i lost my soul
i lost my pride
oh i lost any hope of having a sweet life
so i cry,
cry, cry

oh the salt inside my body ruins everyone i come close to
my hands are barely holding up my head
oh i'm so tired of looking at my feet
and all the secrets that i keep
my heart is barely hangin' by a thread
hangin' by a thread

i miss you all
i wish i was with you now
i wish i was

hangin by a thread - jann arden

friends

the little boy still cries from time to time. he still feels alone almost every single day. he had more friends than most anyone else in high school, but they were never enough. they were never enough to make him feel like less of a freak. less alone. they loved him. they adored him. but they could never be what he needed them to be. someone who had the slightest idea of what it was like to grow up right along side all of them, gay. gay and unlike any of the rest of them. the prom queen, the football hero, the cheerleaders, the class president, the valedictorian, the student council president, the party girl, the cutest boy. and he was there with them. not fitting into a single one of those categories. he was the gay one. the sarcastic one. the one that threw all the cool parties. the one that made everyone laugh. he was described as the glue that held them all together. he was the one that was falling apart.

whispers

there once was this little boy who was loud, and goofy. a little boy who loved to talk. and when he talked people could hear him the first time he said something, never needing to say, "i'm sorry, what? i couldn't hear you. you really are a soft talker." then one day a girl asked him why he talked like a girl. and on another day his voice was mistaken for that of the openly gay boy at school. and he was confused. and he was scared. did he really sound like that too when he talked?