be

why do you allow them to make you feel that who you are isn't and never will be good enough for them? for yourself. you allow them to get to you to the point where you start to believe their ignorance. you settle into it and you make it your very own. you didn't choose your life any more than they did. you simply wake up. you simply live your life. you breathe. sometimes you smile. you love. you laugh. you question. you grow. you learn. and as it is with them, you simply just are. you're not a champion for any cause. you don't have an agenda. never in your life have you tried to sway another into believing exactly as you do. you stand up for yourself. you stand up for the people you love. they are the ones that spout off about who's right and who's wrong. what the correct way of thinking is. what's considered acceptable. normal. safe. decent. sane. you don't want what you can't have. you don't want them to give you anything. you'd never be happy with a hand me down anyway. you are a son. a friend. a brother. a lover. a boy. you are the person they see on a daily basis. the one they pretend to love. the one that they do love because you fit their mold. should that mold begin to crack, that's when the panic sets in. you can see it in their eyes. they fear you. they don't understand you. and what they don't understand, rather than trying to figure out, they just discard. you shouldn't have to try and fit into their way of thinking. they'd never return that same amount of respect to you. you will continue to live. continue to love. you will be who and what you are. what you always have been. your happiness will drive them crazy. your happiness is something they will never be able to understand. but when you do find happiness, then that at least makes you better off than they are.

i don't really give a...

okay, wait... i have known you for like thirty-five years and never before, until tonight, have we discussed our LOVE for teen witch? no wonder i heart you. no wonder you rock. but i own it, and sadly, you do not. "top that".

still drunk...

..but come on, it's mandy moore. le sigh.

go see saved, go see saved, go see saved.

random, drunk, random

little miss lindsay lohan:

you were MY amanda's daughter on another world. the sight of your boobies falling out of your shirt on the SNL promos, um one word... NO.

kate beckinsale:

yes it's true i heart you. i heart you very very much. unlike anyone else, well other than parker posey, but let's stay on topic here shall we?
you, van helsing. me, not so much. this after underworld? don't make me rethink my love for you. you're better than this. now do a drama that will make me tear up. like now, yo.

to the boy who gave me suspect advice:

i tried your little "flex your ab muscles while walking" trick all day today. not sure what it did for the old abs, or lack there of. all i do know is that i found myself at full attention on three occasions while at work today. not such a good thing.

may:

mandy moore in chasing liberty on video, and saved on the big screen. nice.

"mary i see what you're looking at and so does jesus." that effing kills me.

"i'm not gonna work at the GAP vickie"

cutie: hi.

me: hey.

cutie: find what you were looking for?

me: (i did now) um, yeah.

cutie: good. oh this shirt is nice. it's cut small.

me: (are you calling me a fat ass?) yeah i tried it on.

cutie: so it should fit really nice on you.

me: (wa wa what?) heh.

cutie: (to nikki) he bought more than you, so he's the big shopper for the day.

me: so what do i win? (please say you, please say you)

cutie: (turning red) giggle. well there you go, have a nice day. stop back soon.

.outside.

nikki: oh my g.

me: what?

nikki: he was totally checking you out.

me: shut up.

nikki: um, i'm a girl i know when guys are checking someone out.

me: you also can't see two inches in front of your face, so i put little faith in you eye witness accounts.

tales from the 9 to 5

episode two:

so this one wacko bitch comes in wearin' the same outfit every time i see her. kinda odd, but maybe she don't own much (in my best karen walker voice). i could see that, but maybe you shouldn't be showin' yo ass around me twice a week then? perhaps? hmmm? hair teased out defying the laws of gravity. she's like a strung out senior citizen, eyes all glazed over. anyway, when i see her coming i always say "crazy clown, crazy clown" and then proceed to sing the circus music that's playing in my head: "dee dee dede dee dee dee dee dee dee" oh, did i mention that it's this big black number with biiig white polka dots on it? mmhmm, hence the clown music. normally i'm not that evil, but this bitch is m-e-a-n. she plows small children down if they don't move out of her way fast enough. i bet she kicks puppies.

clownie: where's your copier?
her: it's broken.
clownie: what?
her: he'll be in later today to fix it.
clownie: so you don't have a copier?
her: um, no?
clownie: FINE! (storming off to her clown car)

*i'm telling you. copier + brainless mo fo = me with a mental breakdown.

concert fun

me: something smells like a urinal.

ms. k: a what? a hooker?

me: ur-in-al.

ms. k: oh. maybe a hooker that got peed on?

me: (laughing) you rawk.

monday ups & downs

step 1. wipe out entire hawaii fund you've been putting aside for the past year.

step 2. fight back the tears and the overwhelming urge to vomit.

step 3. pay off one credit card, two more to go.

step 4. wonder if you'll ever be enough of an adult to raise a puppy, let alone a kid.

step 5. wonder how you will ever get out of this town.

- - - - -

why i heart my kiki:
because she called me tonight from the gavin degraw concert so i could hear one of my favorite songs of his, belief.

i got a really nice email from jen today with some encouraging words on the funk that i was in. i will never take for granted and always be grateful for the way words from someone who essentially is a stranger to you can make you feel less alone in the things you're going through. thank you for that.

and my adorable friend christopher sent me a marriage proposal. that made my day. you crack me up. he liked my open letter to my concert boyfriend. no word from him yet, damn the man.

i sent my manager into another minor panic attack today when she discovered that i had been talking about the "big move" with one of my friends at work. i guess this made it all a little more real for her. i again told her that she was always welcome to visit me wherever i ended up. she informed me that she would be visiting me, at my grave, because dying was the only way i was getting away from that place. hey, whatever it takes.

"today my heart is big and sore, it's trying to push right through my skin. i won't see you anymore, i guess that's finally sinking in..."

firsts & lasts

firsts
first best friend: brian.
first job: painting, for my friend's dad.
first screen name: jake225
first self purchased album: paula abdul "forever your girl"
first crush: vicky saunders, she moved away and broke my heart. my first major boy crush was eric.
first funeral: my grandfather, i was 5.
first piercing: ear.
first credit card: visa, freshman year of college.
first true love: i'll let you know when it happens.
first enemy: evil janitor.
first big trip: seventh grade trip to toronto.
first play/musical/performance: i was in the band for like two years?

lasts
last cigarette: several summers ago.
last car ride: last night back from ms. k's.
last bus ride: dunno.
last good cry: last saturday, listening to the second colplay song to make me cry. i was on my way out, turned the shower on, and stood there and cried. a lot.
last library book: i have no idea, i usually just buy a book if i want to read it.
last movie seen: "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" (second time).
last beverage drank: water.
last food consumed: ice cream, it's sunday, yo.
last crush: the hotty mcblowme at the damien rice concert last night.
last phone call: my kiki
last tv show watched: "alias", again, it's sunday.
last time showered: a few hours ago after working out.
last shoes worn: my grey new balance shoes i wear whilst working out.
last annoyance: trying to find creative answers for this here thang.
last disappointment: bastards falling asleep when i wanted company on my drive home last night.
last ice cream eaten: i went with chocolate, thought i'd shake things up.
last shirt worn: my red old navy sittin around the house shirt.
last website visited: kiki, that's how i got this...

open letter

an open letter to the hotness that was you at the damien rice concert last night.

you with the faded baby blue vintage t.  standing there, arms folded across your chest.  sexy as hell tattoo on your left forearm.  and me all anti tattoo before you, who'd a thunk it.  hair on said forearms. the longest eye lashes i have ever seen.  the way the light from the stage hit them as you turned and looked at the crowd.  your buzzed and slightly thinning dark blonde hair that came to the perfect point at the base of your neck.  beautiful body, nice shoes. hey, i notice shoes, back off. a cell phone raised to your chin, standing there pensive.  were you expecting a call? i was right there silly, of course i wouldn't be calling you.  a look of pain came across your face, as if the burden of being that hot was almost to much for you to bear.  as if physical pain came to you just from being so beautiful.  you stood, you listened, barely moving at all.  i saw you notice the thirteen year old lesbians standing right in front of you.  how could you not, the way they were swinging the hands they were holding.  and then "delicate" began to play and your phone moved to your ear.  you made a call, you played them that song.  that's what i would have done.  that's what i wanted to do.  but i fought the urge when "amie" came on.  but why were you there alone? the person on the other end who just couldn't be there for you tonight does not deserve you.  you must leave them and run away with me.  so if you're reading this and you saw damien rice in cleveland, ohio last night, i was the boy in the brown vintage t.  cuff watch, cuff bracelet, yes it was borderline wonder woman, but i like the way they look together.  flip flops, baby blue ball cap.  anyway, that was me.  i saw you, you glanced at me.  you see the email address over there.  you know what to do.  i'll be waiting...

by the way "eskimo" was fucking brilliant. i got chills. i was blown away. i was moved. not as much as the girl in front of me who broke down and cried mind you, but moved all the same.

a return of sorts

some advice given to me:

get over yourself. get over it. how can you be so down about something that never was. and never will be. cut your losses. and stop letting someone you don't mean enough to keep affecting your mood. every single day. they are only breaking your heart because you are allowing them to. it's stupid. it's pathetic. it's old. shut the fuck up and move on.

and with that, this is me moving on. no it's not just the helpful words of wisdom, it was a lot of things. it was some time away from posting. from thinking about posting. from writing post after post that i'll never end up posting. from being sad. a few phone calls from people i guess i needed to hear from. some time to mend a heart that broke. but it's done. it's over. so i'm back. blah, whatever. now on to more important things...

a boy, a city...

"isn't it hard sometimes, isn't it lonely. how i still hang around here, and there's nothing to hold me." - p.g.

...a goodbye.

news

hey kids.
i finally finished my 100 things about me list. check it out when you have some time to kill and feel the urge to know a little more about me.

J & K

some typed words on a screen.
voices heard on the other end of a cell phone.
a connection made, a million miles away.

and i fell in love with you both.

thank you for being such amazing friends. thank you for reaching out to a boy who doesn't make reaching out the easiest thing to do. thank you for being the friends i need that the people within arms reach never could.

i love you both.

reasons to visit college park

"i'm gonna get you good and drunk and force you to eat beef." - kia

me: i need to go to target.
kia: you gonna buy some duff stuff?
me: (laughing) no. shut up.

now spit

while a night of heavy drinking followed by some dorito consumption may have seemed like a good idea at the time, let me just apologize to my dental hygienist who had to face the beauty that was my mouth this morning. how she got through it without gagging i'll never know. thank God the gas that was dying to make its way out of my body never did. at least not until i safely made it outside. #3 on the list of a "whole new you" was a success. i thought she was going to start sobbing and hug me when she realized that after twenty years of begging, i had finally started flossing every day. it's the little things i guess, glad i could make her day. filling out my card for my next checkup i thought, i don't want to be here in six months for that appointment. i won't be here.

of course i had doritos last night. of course i stopped at burger king for breakfast after my checkup. of course i can feel my ass getting fatter. so much for the stricter diet i've been sticking to for the past month or so. damn you burger king. damn my need for greasy food after a night of drinking. maybe i'll just walk on the treadmill for the next ten hours.

tap, tap, tap

when my mental breakdown occurs, any day now, *trust* it will involve something as simple as a copy machine. simple you say? yes simple. yes they really are that simple to use you fuckwits.

every day i have the same conversation:

random dumb person: is this copier working?
me: yeah. think so.
r.d.p.: i don't think it is.
me: well it was a minute ago.
r.d.p.: what am i doing wrong? (tap tap tap) [the sound of them hitting the start button]
me: well what does it say?
r.d.p.: say?
me: the display, what does it say?
r.d.p.: display? nothing.
me: it doesn't say anything on the display?
r.d.p.: (tap tap tap)
me: hold on.
r.d.p.: you mean i have to read something? i just want a copy. (tap tap tap)
me: okay, this part says that you are hitting start way too much. and if you look here it will tell you that it doesn't know what size paper you are copying.
r.d.p.: oh, what size am i copying?
me: um...what size paper do you have?
r.d.p.: it's just a piece of paper.
me: (looking for them) okay, this would be letter.
r.d.p.: (tap tap tap)
me: no. (holding their finger)
r.d.p.: oh, these machines. sometimes i think they're smarter than the people who use them.
me: sometimes.

walking back to sit down.
r.d.p. #2: hey, is this copier working?

blah

"this circus is falling down on it’s knees
the big top is crumbling down
it’s raining in baltimore fifty miles east
where you should be, no one’s around

i need a phone call
i need a raincoat
i need a big love
i need a phone call

these train conversations are passing me by
and i don’t have nothing to say
you get what you pay for
but i just had no intention of living this way

i need a phone call
i need a plane ride
i need a sunburn
i need a raincoat

and i get no answers
and i don’t get no change
it’s raining in baltimore, baby
but everything else is the same

there’s things i remember and things i forget
i miss you i guess that i should
three thousand five hundred miles away
but what would you change if you could?

i need a phone call
maybe i should buy a new car
i can always hear a freight train if i listen real hard
and i wish it was a small world
because i’m lonely for the big towns
i’d like to hear a little guitar
i think it’s time to put the top down

i need a phone call
i need a raincoat"

raining in baltimore - counting crows

a change of scenery

sunshine.  the forecast called for rain.  i love it when they're wrong.  no doubt's "just a girl" playing obscenely loud.  windows down.  flip flops on.  every spring i fall in love with my car all over again.  a look at the money situation tells me that i'm still a long way off from any major life changes.  a look at the credit card statement tells me that nikki and i drink entirely too much.  aimed for eight hours of sleep last night, for the first time in over a month.  wound up getting ten, guess i was more exhausted than i was even willing to admit to myself.  got a text after six of the ten hours.  that made the pain in my stomach go away a little bit.  new alias tonight, and the thoughts of ice cream have me smiling.  my one day out of the week when i allow myself to deviate from the diet. 

had so much fun with the best friend last night.  i let her drift away these past few weeks, looking at her as she smiled opening up her door made me thankful for what i do have in my life. 

ms. k: you didn't call.  i was expecting the 'hey i'm lost' call.

me: look at me all growed up.  i just told my friend on the phone that you were probably waiting for me to call.  funny.

things like that are the reasons why i love her.  getting some of the same questions wrong on our pop culture quiz, and answering them in the very same way is another.  of course i rawked that mother. all i know is useless pop crap.

ms. k: it's sad when i bomb a pop culture quiz when that's all i pride myself on knowing.

me: sorry, i pretty much aced it.

ms. k: bastard.

did the dinner thing earlier in the night. saw a lady wearing white cotton photography gloves the entire time she was in the restaurant. odd. we did our best not to stare, but come on. sat by a window and i told her i was having a hard time remembering that they could see us through the glass as well, and maybe it was best not to people watch. but it didn't stop us.

ms. k: have you seen anything about...

me: dodgeball?

ms. k: YES! how did you...?

me: i saw the poster yesterday. money made me think of vince vaughn, that's how i got there.

ms. k: me too! i love the way our minds work.

our waitress came to our table three times to see if we knew what we wanted, we kept sending her away. she never came back.

new waitress: hi, i'll be serving you now.

me: did the other girl leave us 'cause we took to long to decide?

new waitress: hehe.

she did, that's what we decided. later, back at her place, we watched around five shows at once. ms. k was surf happy. being with her just made me happy. it's been a while since i've been around any of my friends. my touch stones. i've forgotten who i was for a bit. they are in my life for a reason, even if at times i feel so far removed from most of them, the fact that we remain twenty years later says a lot.

spoke with kia on the drive home.  almost died twice.  "this fog is bullshit!"  i mean there were times when i wasn't sure if the road was straight or curving.  driving ten miles an hour just to keep yourself on a road that may or may not even be there is a joke.  but i was facing it all with my new flip flops and jeans from hollister.  at least i knew i'd die happy and well dressed.  what more could you really ask for?

heard from the boy today.  didn't expect that. haven't really talked to him since my birthday. i still beat myself up over how all of that played out.  i guess i should, it was mainly my doing.  i thought that my inability to give him what he wanted, or needed, meant that my giving him some space was the best idea.  i guess when you can't be what someone else needs you to be, just being is enough.  being in their life is enough.  it took someone else to open my eyes to this fact.  i just fear that if we go back to talking that it will give him the wrong idea.  the last thing i want to do is mess with his head and hurt him all over again.  somehow he found a way to forgive me for last spring.  i just don't want to put him through any of that again.  i didn't know what i wanted then, now i do.  his friendship means a great deal to me.  but friendship, end of story.

yup, yup

"when all you want to do is rock
but you don’t want to bear the shock no more
when it’s just swell that fills your eyes
belated feelings that you have denied

when every wolf is at your door
just like a hundred times before
but you don’t want to leave the end

you were amazing

and we did amazing things
and i wouldn't change it
cause we were amazing things

rebuilding bridges in your mind
your eagerness now is on the line
the plastic mountain at your feet
divided streets now as you look to find a seat

when every wolf is at your door
just like a hundred times before
but you don’t want to see the end

you were amazing
and we did amazing things
and i wouldn’t change it
cause we were amazing things

and i really didn’t want that push today
no i really didn’t want to end this way
but the things that seem to bind us
are the things we put behind us on this day

you were amazing
and we did amazing things
and i wouldn't change it
cause we were amazing things"

amazing - alex lloyd

stupid naive boys from ohio, please raise your hand...

"walk back and say goodbye. at least pretend we have one."

ugh

"i was scared. i thought you knew that about me."

"i wish i'd stayed."

"walk back and say goodbye. at least pretend we have one."

saw eternal sunshine of the spotless mind today, for the second time. i've had a couple of odd conversations lately. i guess seeing that movie again was just in keeping with my state of mind these past couple of days.

my favorite line from my so-called life was something like, you can't really hurt someone unless you matter to them. i think that fits in there as well.

people come into your life and you really have llittle control over how deeply they affect you. even if every intention you had was to play it safe with your heart, to keep them out. sometimes they seep in. sometimes you want them to. sometimes you wonder why you fought it so hard in the first place. sometimes you get scared when things begin to go south. you doubt the efforts made. you question every single word. every action. every sign. but you can't scrap it all over one minor mishap. if you did, you'd never get anywhere. that's no way to live. i tell myself that these days. eventually i'll start believing it.

waiting

and i'm sitting here. and i'm crying. and i don't even know why. i never cry, you remember that. i shared that with you once. and then i listed the twenty times that i could remember crying. but yeah, i never cry.

i sit. and i wait. for things that will never come to me. for things that will never happen. and for some reason, tonight, the sadness of that realism is almost too much to deal with. phones that don't ring. smiles i don't see. a distant laugh. happiness i'm forever chasing. i never claimed to be more than i am. to share with you more than what is. but i guess sometimes that just isn't enough. to sit and wait isn't enough. and you wait as long as you can, and then you grow bored. and then you move on. or maybe i was mistaken. maybe you were never really waiting in the first place. you were what you were, and i will forever be changed for the strong pull you've had on my gravitation. you were unlike anyone i've ever known, ever experienced. one day high, the next day lower than any low i've ever felt before. tears that block out the keys that my fingers are fighting so hard to find. i'm sorry i am what i am. i'm sorry you need what you need. each night i prayed that the two would one day meet. each morning i awoke with the realization that they never would. never could.

what i want

someone that assumes that one of the two concerts tickets that i just purchased is for them.

someone to look at, head on pillow beside me, last face i see before i fall asleep.

someone to lay with in the dark, telling stories to. listening to every word they have to say.

someone to know me, to want to know me, better than anyone else in my life.

someone that knows they'll be sitting in the seat next to me when i go to a movie on opening night.

someone to "walk with on a cloudy day in fields where the yellow grass grows knee high."

someone to be with, anywhere but here.




come on home, without you i'll never feel the love inside of me...

a conversation with a boy who dresses like ellen

him: you slut.

me: then what would that make you?

him: pure as the driven snow...with a minor obsession with peepees.

me: minor my ass!

him: leave it to you to bring your ass into this. in a conversation about peepees no less.

me: why you always gotta be thinkin' bout my ass? slut.

him: as the driven snow i say!!!!!

only with me

so i'm having my yogurt for lunch today, sitting there enjoying the sunshine. of course the lid is being a little bitch. of course there's a minor explosion when i finally get it to open. of course if flies onto my lap. of course the dried yogurt ends up looking more like dried jizz than anything else.

you know all i ask is for a little help with "project save money", not to be confused with "project self-esteem". what do i find out today? jewel, the indigo girls and john mayer with special guest maroon 5. all this summer. all on sale this weekend. i have five concerts on the horizon in the next few months as it is. i don't need to spend any more money. someone help me.

new alanis blowing up all over xmradio makes me very very happy.

drinking alone on a saturday night is kinda sad right? what if the person on the other end of the phone is drunk and alone too? what if they make you smile? and laugh so hard that you can feel it the next day? what if you talk for close to five hours? what if it feels more like one? what if? i've been using those two words far too often lately when i ask myself questions.

scab

my heart hurts. my head feels heavy. maybe it's the four hours of sleep i got last night. maybe it was the bad day at work. maybe it's just the sadness in knowing that i'm me. i place too much of my happiness in the hands of others. like i'm incapable of figuring out what makes me happy, so i have to look to someone else to tell me what i need. or want. and then things change, and i get sad. and i start to doubt all of the good things that led up to that one bad moment. all i can see is that one bad moment. i pick at it like the scab you find yourself disgustingly, oddly, attracted to. i know what will happen, but i can't resist. i tear it open, not realizing it's the scar tissue that's holding my heart in its place. i sit there paralyzed and watch my heart drop to the floor. wondering who made such a mess. wondering when i'll stop making messes. feelings words can't even do justice to. thoughts of you. questions. confusion. doubts, always doubts. i want the calm. the calm i feel late at night, moments before sleep sets in. knowing what you want and actually being able to get your hands on it are often times too painfully far apart.

pretending

when you spend most of your time pretending to be someone else, you begin to forget who you really are.

alone

and on certain days you can convince yourself that you're really not alone in this. why you set yourself up for the disappointment that is the truth, you'll never understand.

tears

standing there, looking up at you, the thought of doing this one minute longer almost became too much for me. it felt like i was crying, yet no tears were falling.

a sign

okay. if i'm thinking to myself that i wish that i just had a sign so i'd know that it's okay now, and i hear a lady say that her last name is "sine" at that very moment, am i to take that as my sign?

"some hearts are more fragile than others, purer even. crystal in a world of glass. even the way they shatter is more beautiful."

introductions

them: so how do you know J?

him: oh. he's one of the many homosexuals that i link to on my site; who i met through the biggest fag hag the world has ever seen, who is addicted to gay porn.

them: (speechless)

all over the map

nomad in hand. rockin' out while sweeping. yes, i'm twelve. no wait, i'm a domestic goddess, yeah that's it. i find myself pretending to be a rockstar a lot lately. driving to work at 7am, putting on a show for you in the car next to me. on the treadmill. at times i find myself dancing and not walking. clearly something isn't firing quite right in the noggin.

lil sis: "i find myself randomly working out on sundays."

me: "so like you're walking down the street and suddenly burst into jumping jacks?"

lil sis: "funny."

spoke with my sister today. she's been looking into some schools for me. she said that if i was serious about boston i should plan a trip there and visit josh, before making any decisions. josh, yeah, that's who i'll visit there. such the mother hen. i love her. i talked her into running away from home once when we were little kids. i wanted her bedroom. i was evil. she came back. now we're friends. now she's in another state. i wish she'd come back again. i wish it were as simple as getting into the huge station wagon, and driving up and down the street looking for her. finding her walking, telling her to get in, and bringing her back home. i miss her.

i heard the gin blossoms and swv yesterday. it made me think of you. in my head i heard the word "dood", and it made me laugh. maybe i told you that? maybe one day i'll remember a conversation that i have with you. maybe you're a bad influence. maybe my voice isn't the one that induces comas.

him: if you send me a picture of yourself with cum in your hair, you will steal my heart.

filter, out the window again. why even bother at this point? you are like alcohol. with you i don't need to drink to let the crazy fly out of my mouth. i let you in. i don't care. i want you in. you seem to want in. i laugh a lot. i smile more. it's an amazing feeling having friends who get you. someone to be real with. for twenty years you can fool yourself into thinking that you have something. that it's right there in your hands. a whisper makes you stop and look up. i found you. and i realized that i was wrong. nobody knows me. nobody gets me. not really. but i'm starting to think that you could.

i couldn't make this stuff up

her: so with guys it's packing fudge. then i guess with two women it would be licking the fudge bowl?

me: um, no. not exactly.

her: what? why not.

me: um, that's...no.

her: what? wait. what does that all mean?

me: oh man.

her: (to nikki) what do two women do together?

nikki: um, go down on each other?

her: see see?

me: um, it has nothing to do with fudge of any sort.

nikki: no, not at all. 'cause anyone can do that. you don't need another person for that.

me: wtf?

nikki: pack the fudge. you know, masturbate.

me: oh my cock! you're both hopeless.

her: oh fudge? fudge means...

me: yup.

her: oh. then i guess for girls it would be more of a honey pot?

my anthem

"i can’t stand to think about
my heart’s so big it hurts like hell
oh my god i gave my best
for three whole years to end like this
do you want to fall apart?
i can’t stop if you can’t start
do you want to fall apart?
well i could if you can’t try to fix what i’ve undone
‘cause i hate what i’ve become.

you know me
or you think you
you just don’t seem to see
i’ve been waiting all this time to be
something i cannot define
so let’s cause a scene.
clap our hands and stomp our feet or something, yeah something.
i’ve just got to get myself over me.

i could stand to do without all the people i have left behind
what’s the point it going round
when it’s a straight line baby a straight, straight line
so let’s make a list of who we need
and it’s not much if anything
make a list of who we need
and we’ll throw it away ‘cause we don’t need anyone
no we don’t need anyone

you know me
or you think you do
you just don’t seem to see
i've been waiting all this time
to be something i cannot define
so let’s cause a scene
clap our hands and stomp our feet
or something
yeah something
i’ve just got to get myself over me

and i hate what i’ve become.

you know the night life it is not for me
'cause all you really need are a few good friends
don’t want to go out and be on my own
you know they started something i can’t stand
before the city count me out
‘cause all this time is wasted
everything i’ve done

you know me.
or you think you do
you just don’t seem to see
i’ve been waiting all this time
to be something i cannot define.
so let’s cause a scene.
clap our hands and stomp our feet.
or something
yeah something
i’ve just got to get myself over me

you know me.
or you think you do
you just don’t seem to see
i’ve been waiting all this time
to be something i cannot define
so let’s cause a scene.
clap our hands and stomp our feet.
or something
yeah something
’ve just got to get myself over me
yeah
over me
yeah
over me"

the first single - the format

thursday night. me, nikki, beer, ass shakin'. yeah, you know the drill.

we went for dinner first and i was tipsy after just two beers. no food for eight hours will do that to you i guess. so then we decided to find a place to dance. nikki wanted to take me to the new place she discovered a few weeks back. i'm up for anything, so off we went. we walked in, JT was playing, i knew we were in the right place. i'm so gay. we found a corner booth and people watched. cause that's what we do. this tiny, wee little thing was dancing her ass off on the dance floor. she danced her way to the bar. she danced while waiting for her drink. and she danced herself back to the dance floor. i couldn't take my eyes off of her. she was her own good time. then out of nowhere it happened, dance fever the reunion tour. enter cute dude in leather jacket. he walks right up to wee girl and begins to dance with her. no introduction, no conversation, just dancing. their moves were choreographed it was amazing. it was so out of place for that bar. it was a train wreck that i couldn't take my eyes off of. several times his jacket became a dance partner all on its own. several times he'd just freeze and she'd dance on and around him while he stood there posing. what the hell? amazing. no other word for it. then i spotted the hottness. hott hott guy. sideways ballcap, black wristband, tight polo shirt, baggy jeans. tall, hott and wow. he was dancing alone, he was justin timberlake, he was fun to watch. then i noticed something out of place at the bar. could it be? could that really be a fag and his three hags laughing it up? indeed. so i began to stare. he was cute, well kinda cute. okay, he was average. he caught me staring. i smiled, looking away, pretending to be bored. we made eye contact a few other times, then he and his girls moved to the floor. nikki asked me if i wanted to dance, and we moved to the floor. i requested a lil dirty by x-tina, of course. nikki asked for some janet. of course he played mine, i always get to hear mine. poor nikki. so we danced.

at one point, while on the dance floor, i thought to myself:
"i am rickie vasquez!"
then, moments later:
"reel it in crazy. reel it in, this is a breeder bar."

nikki: look at you dancin' with attitude.
me: me?
nikki: yes, i like it.
me: hehe. (trying to pretend to be embarrassed)

dude and his hags bumped into us a couple times. i kept watching him over nikki's shoulder. just for fun, just to see where it took me. then they headed back to the bar. i pulled a soblo and did the whole hide behind a column thing. it so, so worked. he was at the bar. i was on the dance floor with nikki. he could see me. he was seeing me. i moved to my left to obstruct his view. he moved to the right to see me. i moved more to the left. he moved more to the right. nice. again with the self-esteem. don't know where you came from, but nice to meet you. he came back with one of the girls. i stood there, dancing with nikki, staring him in the eye. not once did i look away when he looked at me looking at him. fuck it, i thought, what do i have to lose? he smiled. i smiled. he moved off the dance floor. he brushed up against me. i said, hey how's it going. he came back. i got the digits. bleck. i guess it was more about knowing that i could get them, rather than actually wanting them. does that make me a horrible person?

i guess i wanted more. the physical is fine, but i want everything else first. dumb/crazy as that sounds, i want the connection, not the attraction. yes, both are the desired end result. but if i had to choose between the two i'd pick the connection every time. i mean, honestly, how often do you find someone that you just fit with? that you connect with? that you can just open up to, never thinking twice about anything and everything you just spent the past hour sharing? that's what i want. that's what matters to me. as simple and as naive as it may sound, that's what i want. that to me is rare. yes, the physical attraction is around every corner everything else is still an elusive creature i'm forever trying to net. that i'll spend forever trying to net.

workplace fun

manager: so what exactly do you hope to achieve by eating only a special k bar for breakfast, and yogurt and carrots for lunch?

me: a healthier lifestyle.

manager: (silence) confused look on her face.

me: a longer life?

manager: rolling eyes.

me: and a slammin' body.

manager: walking away, shaking her head.

- - - - -

manager: hand me that packing tape.

daniel: packing tape?

manager: yes.

daniel: packing tape. for packing boxes, toys, fudge...

manager: packing fudge?

me: (on the floor laughing)*

manager: what?

daniel: (laughing) you said packing fudge.

manager: i don't get it.


*yes i'm a five-year-old.

29

"only time will tell if wishing wells will bring us anything. they fade like scenes from childhood dreams, forgotten memories." - the gin blossoms

there's a certain sadness in knowing that something is too far out of reach to ever get it back, no matter how good it was. i think i miss summer days right after graduating high school the most because they are the ones that shaped me into who i am today. picking from my circle of twelve the ones that i still hold close to my heart to this very day. those were the days when we began to splinter off into: those who went out and lived and those who remained behind and hated on us. the best friend and i became what we are now because of those very days. we were the ones who were "out of control" on a "road to destruction" or whatever they said at the time. we were the two without a curfew all through high school. we were the ones that randomly showed up at parties. took a last minute road trip to pennsylvaia just to take some pictures, turn around and drive back home. we met and partied with strangers on more than one occasion. but we were always there to watch out for one another. growing up, leaving careless days long behind you, hurts sometimes. you can feel the weight of the memories pushing down on you as you age. i think what hurts more is the fact that days like that exist to me now only as memories, never as new events. yes we have fun. i wouldn't change who i am or what they mean to me in the slightest. it's just that it can make you feel a llittle sad when you think about how you have to schedule time to have fun. it's not something you do every night starting at 10pm, as you once did. you don't just decide to visit another state on a whim. you don't drive all night to get to your vacation destination after just getting off of work. you don't drive out of your way to stop and flirt with cute boys who are supposed to be at work bagging groceries. you don't just drive to a theme park one hour before it closes, flirt your way in for free, ride three rides and head back home. you don't sit on your family room floor with your best friend, drinking way too much beer, consuming an entire jar of pickles while watching party of five. you don't just get in your parents huge, huge tank of a car, several mix tapes in hand, and drive until you find something fun to do. or drive without ever finding anything to do. just you, the best friend, the mix tapes and the stars. that night, that moment being enough. spinning tires around the circle in the middle of the town. a cute boy kicking you in the head while crawling over the front seat to squeeze himself between you and the best friend. laying in the back yard underneath the stars, fire blazing, illegal beers in hand. the days when everything seemed new to you. everything was an adventure. everything was a first to you. you walked hand in hand into the unknown, never scared, never looking back. as long as she was there with you, seeing you through it, that was good enough for you. you can't get those days back. the newness. the first time of anything. you're older. a little more jaded. a little more rough around the edges. you love her all the same, perhaps a little more even for seeing you through all that. but still a certain sadness remains knowing that you can't ever go back to how it was. to the days where you found yourselves together. where you laughed. where you grew. where you experienced firsts. where you became the people you are today. she's still around. some of the others are as well. you still love them the same. but you can't help but feel a longing for something that was lost. something that once was. something that can never be again. you count back the years, all twenty-nine of them, and you wonder if wishing wells will ever bring you anything.

inspired by this

thoughts for the day

1. how does one lose an entire outfit down a one mile stretch of road? i passed two shirts, a pair of pants, and a few other objects on my way to work this morning. odd.

2. you know how you can tell that you're about to be kissed? there's that pause, that slight hesitation. you can feel the other person make the smallest move closer to you. um, yeah. all i could hear was my inner monologue, voiced by one miss sara rue of tv's less than perfect, yelling:

"warning, warning. look away!"

i looked away. and with that, he turned and walked out of the room.

3. one hundred text messages in five days? to one person? clearly i have a problem.

priceless

Ringo902: i have a dumb question.
GOODtobegreen: yes?
Ringo902: don't think i'm dumb, cuz i feel silly asking...
GOODtobegreen: eeek...
Ringo902: but do people still wear black at funerals?
GOODtobegreen: okay.
Ringo902: like... i have NO idea what to wear.
GOODtobegreen: oh my cock.
Ringo902: i'm not even sure i own black pants that fit me.
Ringo902: your cock?
Ringo902: wear your cock?
Ringo902: i'm confused now.
Ringo902: that would be inappropriate.
GOODtobegreen: i thought it was gonna be a personal question.
Ringo902: although my mom might enjoy it.
GOODtobegreen: and i was nervous.
Ringo902: oops.. sorry. shoulda gave warning.
GOODtobegreen: and i just fell out of my chair.
GOODtobegreen: and i'm laughing.
Ringo902: i'll ask one of those embarrassing personal questions later.

moved

i remember reading this a year ago when she first posted it. it got to me then, it got to me again tonight. jen's a great writer, do yourself a favor and check her out.

i'm in my mid-20s, i have a stable job, an active love life, a good notion of wrong and right...and i've yet to understand how you lose people you don't really want to lose along the way.

what's making me smile:

new gavin degraw and nelly furtado on the muzak at work today.
"project self-esteem"
sunshine when i woke up.
sunshine all day.
sunshine, still when i left work at 6pm.
rockin' out to my new cd on my way into work today.
laughing when the dude in the truck next to me caught me.
mistaking the sound a bag of cadbury eggs makes, for typing.
picturing drunken sprints in my mind everytime i close my eyes.
a new everwood tonight (finally).
ignoring pouty bitches who try and tell me how to live my life. how to do things the right way. what i need to do. what i'm doing wrong. walking away from you made me smile.

"it's my life, don't you forget..."

what sucks:

getting voice mail from ms. b telling me how pissed she is at me for bailing on saturday.
getting a cd stuck in my computer.
the drive/burner not working because of that.
a mix waiting to be burned.
damn the man.

friends

at one point in the evening i found myself curled up under my desk in the fetal position. i was drunk. very drunk. we're talking ringo on a saturday night after three bottles of wine, lips stained red the next moring, drunk. the bed simply was too far away. i needed to be lying down, and i needed it right now. sliding out of my chair and onto the floor, now. and there i remained for who knows how long. i see the half empty bottle of whiskey. it's laughing at me. it's taunting me. it's a souvenir of all the embarrassing parts i peeled back and put on display for you. i don't regret it. i regret not remembering exactly what was said after the first story that took an hour and a half to get out of me, once i finally remembered where i wanted to begin. where we began. how it's slowly ending. but i don't regret sharing. again with the lack of filter. a voice mail from 5am just made me laugh two minutes ago. "where are ya dood?", i'm guessing curled up under my desk asleep. after a goodbye, i made it to my bed. how do i know this? only because i woke up there. my phone was tucked safely under my pillow. a text vibrated me out of my slumber. still feeling drunk i made it to the bathroom, nomad and cell in hand. and there i remained for over an hour, on the floor, listening to music. texting, laughing and turning red. was i sick? nope, not at all. just too exhausted to do anything but lie there and text. i looked up to see the sun coming in the window. dancing on the floor to alanis a strange feeling came over me. it was one that i almost didn't recognize because it had been so long since i last felt it. i was happy. i am happy.

chicago bound

well i did it. i got my tickets yesterday. i'm driving almost eight hours to get to her. but i will finally, after like twelve years and many failed attempts, get to see her live.

madonna, sigh.

conversations from the workplace

only the adorable nikki could leave her home, lock herself out of her place, and show up to work wearing two different shoes. a black one and a brown one. one slightly higher than the other one, mind you.

nikki: do you think anyone will notice?
me: no. i didn't until you pointed it out to me.
nikki: okay, good.
me: besides no one will be looking at your shoes, they'll look at your boobs.
nikki: bastard.

boss lady: (talking about me) he lingers in the shower. he takes a long time cleaning certain parts, if you know what i mean.
me: well yeah, it's such a big surface area to cover.

nikki: see my cupcake?
me: yeah, it's nice.
nikki: i'll let you lick my cupcake.
(dirty look from another lady)
boss lady: she's just mad because she's never had her cupcake licked.

boss lady: you need to shop at wal-mart for your clothes.
me: why would i do that?
b.l.: since you're trying to save money.
me: i don't go to wal-mart.
b.l.: i'm buying you something from wal-mart, you'll never know.
me: that's just mean. why would you buy someone something from wal-mart?
b.l.: they have some cute stuff.
me: i don't want anything cute, unless it's justin timberlake related.

smile

once upon a time there was a boy who was haunted by a song. he heard it on more than one occasion, never knowing the name of it or who sang it. he searched high. he searched low. but he always came up empty-handed. then one day he met this amazing boy who told him he simply had to go out and look for this certain song. a song that happened to be one of his favorites. a song that just barely missed being a part of his top ten. so the first boy looked for the song. the boy found the song. and this is where the two stories come together. and this is where the boy is smiling. this is where the boy really isn't all that surprised considering that their musical likes pretty much go hand in hand. and this is the part where the first boy once again finds himself in the second boy's debt. thank you.

this is smile by olive

pies

so after a minor scare and a brief stay at the ER i brought my mother back home, with crutches and all hopped up on pain pills. that really wasn't what i had in mind when i was complaining earlier in the evening about not having anywhere to go. next time i'll remember to be careful of what i ask for. i had the phone in my hand kicking around the thought of calling brian to see what he was doing for the evening. that's when my mom called to tell me that she had fallen and was in a great deal of pain. she couldn't walk, and could barely move. so there she sat in the garage waiting for me to come and help her. every time i tried to help her up her face winced in pain. i was freaking out inside. her eyes were pleading for me to do something while her face showed me how much pain she was in. i told her i was taking her to the med center. my mother, in her typical sally field mode from steel magnolias said she had to go pick up her pies first. what? that was where she was headed when she fell. i tried to reason with her that the pies were the least of her worries, but she insisted on calling them first. i told her that i was sure that they would understand, but if it would make her feel better i would drop her off first at the hospital and then drive and get her damn pies. she's insane. after talking to the pie place, and finding out that the pie police wouldn't be hunting her down any time soon, she allowed me to drive her to the hospital. i had no idea how i was going to get her to my car. she couldn't walk. she couldn't lean on me and walk, she was in that much pain. so i grabbed a folding chair off the wall and had her use that as a walker. we got to the med center, i told them we had called about coming in. the fucker behind the desk pointed and grunted at a wheel chair in the corner when i asked how to get my mom inside. then a more helpful nurse walked out with me to get her. and there i sat for an hour freaking out at her description that she shared with me on the drive over. she was leaving, went to step down, heard something rip/snap, and down she went. the worst pain of her life she said, and she gave birth to my ass so i guess that was pretty bad. but thankfully it wasn't as serious as we both worried it might be. yes she's in a great deal of pain. and she will be on crutches for at least two weeks. and they gave her three different pills to take. but at least she avoided any hospital stay or surgery. she tore something in the back part of her leg and it will take some time for it to heal, but aside from that she'll be okay. thanks to everyone who sent emails and called to see what was up. that meant a lot.

in other exciting news...

it appears that i'm taking my mother to the ER...

britney spears can lick my left nut

POSTPONED: GUND ARENA – THURSDAY APRIL 1 8:00 pm
RESCHEDULED DATE JUNE 29

Due to illness, the Britney Spears concert for tonight’s performance has been postponed. All previously purchased tickets will honored on the rescheduled Gund Arena date, June 29th at 8pm.

will honored? bitch can't even afford a proof-reader for her site.

en route to ms. b's i got the call. the bitch cancelled. i reminded ms. b that she said it would be cancelled when i bought her the tickets, since it was on april fool's day. she manned the tv, i hunted for a radio station with some news. ms. b was still hoping that it was nothing more than a prank. sure enough it was cancelled. ms b is convinced that her lip synching tape must have been chewed up by the tape player, had a mariah moment, and called the show off.

ms. b: oh hell no. i ain't seeing that bitch the night after we see our christina.
me: yeah that's like having a colonoscopy right after sex. biach.

and this is me all dressed up and nowhere to go. damn the man.

britney, just a heads up...
ms. b is gonna kill you. you don't want to be on her dark side.

a fool in april

it's snowing. again. like a lot.

i find this to be completely unacceptable. in my mind, all week long, i was wearing flip flops tonight. yeah, not so much. at least i have a sweet new black shirt to wear. size small you say? indeed. it looks wicked cute. i decided, while getting ready moments ago, that i'd have sex with me. hey, at least that's someone right? i have a date with ms. b and ms. spears tonight. i packed a change of pants just in case hearing milkshake live or seeing britney's dirty boy dancers causes me to mess myself. according to ringo, it's a definite possibility. thanks for the heads up, yo.

karma, plain and simple, is a bitch. i was indifferent when he told me last year that everywhere he looked he saw something that reminded him of me. and now i find myself in that same situation thinking of someone else. three songs and counting...karma is biting me in the ass.

okay kids, gotta run. if i'm late ms. b will have my head. i'm still on her list for bailing on her last saturday when certain bad influences got me drunk and forced me to spend all night talking to them against my will. damn my boy weakness. sorry you have to work late, i'll be thinking of you while i'm shakin' my ass. later fools.