his brother

sixteen years ago a woman decided that she wanted a baby. she wound up with two. a few years went by and suddenly the novelty had worn of, so she decided to leave them. the twin boys were given to her parents as if they were a puppy. as if she was moving into an apartment that didn't allow animals. just like that she walked away from her own kids and made a new life for herself. some time passed and the two boys grew up. not exactly happy, but not exactly neglected. then one of the boys decided to be real. to be honest. and he came out to his family. having a gay child living in their house was unacceptable. so much so that had the other brother not stepped in, the grandfather would have strangled his brother. he was thrown out of the house and after some time, and a few foster homes, ended up back with his mother. not exactly happy, but not exactly neglected. so the boy continued to grow up and eventually developed an eating disorder. he's in a better place now, but is still finding it hard to let go of so much of the pain from his past. too much pain for so few years. the damage that people do to one another never ceases to amaze me. you make certain choices in this life and because you're human, because you're selfish, you don't realize how you life can affect so many others around you. just because what you pictured in your mind, once upon a time, doesn't end up becoming your reality doesn't make destroying someone else's life acceptable. we are who we are. we're both perfect and flawed. human. it's easier to see what's wrong with someone else when you're hiding behind a pair of blind eyes. pointing out their flaws and walking away from them. simply because they don't fit in the so-called perfect puzzle that you've created for yourself. you walk away.

truth #2

you know how you're just going along with a certain bit of information and you just accept it as the truth, or as reality, or whatever. because why would you be lied to? how would that benefit them in any way? they are your self-proclaimed "friend", of course they would only want what's best for you.

and then something falls into your lap and your head begins to spin, not in that crazy linda blair/exorcist kind of way. but spins all the same. where time seems to move just a little slower. your heart begins to beat a little faster. louder. and you have a moment of clarity and all the tiny little pieces begin to fall into place.

and then it hits you like that truck that slammed into todd mulcahey on season one of felicity. you were played. played hardcore. if you were in a movie this would be the part where you'd find yourself on a bus or a train, or maybe even walking down a busy sidewalk. there wouldn't be any dialogue. everything would begin to move in slow-motion. and a song would begin to play. the song. a song that would sum up everything you are feeling. thinking. want to say.

well at least things played out the way you always wanted them to. as long as one of us is happy, i guess that's all that matters.

all the things she said, running through my head...

shannen doherty is misunderstood

i can't get the push stars "outside of a dream" out of my head. not that that's a bad thing. i feel like watching my "best friend's wedding" while listening to jude's "i do" and then a little "champagne high" by sister hazel. i remember having long conversations about both of those songs with you on two different warm summer nights. i also remember the night with the killer frog in the pool when ms. k fell in with her clothes and coat on, but that's another story for another time. my family is slowly migrating to the great sate of ohio. my sister keeps trying to tell me that the reunion will be a blast compared to the wedding, and i should rethink my choice. yeah, not so much. last night i forced her to sit through the best "c" movie of all time. yeah, it's really that bad.

me: this movie rocks.
sis: oh gawd, what is this? is this beaches?
me: NO. it's "friends til the end" staring one miss shannen doherty.
sis: you made me sit through this before.
me: it's a good movie!
sis: (not buying it)

needless to say, i only got to watch half an hour of it before we switched to a little MSCL.

"tell me, you're gonna be okay..."

after what seemed like several hours, oh wait it was, our evening finally got on its way. met up with B, missy and the boys at rockne's. the original one in the falls. kinda cool pub like vibe. not the cookie cutter vibe all the chain ones have going on. after purchasing fifty dollars worth of berries, don't ask, the lovely G met up with us. B was salty. said D just moved one day. he called to see if he wanted to go out and D told him he was in kentucky? hmm. i couldn't finish my second beer so i gave the half that was left to G. we headed back to B's to drop off a car and headed downtown. we parked and walked to the pub that i love. G was hungry. there was a random guy grilling on the sidewalk. she took it as a sign. we stopped and had a beer while she ate a burger. asked if we could go into the main bar to pee, since we were on their patio. they told us it would cost $3. to pee? they told us there was a band playing in the main room and that was the cover. what band? oval opus! score. looked like we had a little change of plans. called B to let him know we were going there instead. got close to the band that had slowly become one of my favorites over the past few months. they even played my favorite song. they played for like four hours. it was so good.

me: did he just whip out a harmonica?
G: yeah. why? what does that mean?
me: it means i want to blow him now.

after four or five beers and a shot i was toasted. i switched to water as G continued to get crazy. the band finished and walked into the crowd. i walked up to aaron and introduced myself. told him i loved their sound. told him how i randomly discovered them while trying to find some other song to download. and how i'd loved them ever since. talked about some of the bands they've been opening for. found out about some upcoming shows. i bought a couple eps. got an autograph. said goodbye and headed off to another bar to dance. G made a quick call to the boyfriend. filled him in on the conversation she had with a waitress at the bar who happened to be sleeping with her boyfriend. yeah, he's a winner. walked four blocks to michael's bar. the ten dollar cover made us turn around and walk four blocks back to the cheaper bar where we paid three dollars. G had some more beers. i stuck with my water. we danced. she was dancing like phoebe ran on friends. i was laughing my ass off. left posh at 2:30am and headed for my car. stopped and asked a guy where we could find some breakfast. hit a diner on the way home. had the best breakfast ever. G choked on a piece of bacon. we laughed a lot.

G: who doesn't chew their bacon before swallowing it?
me: (shrugs)
G: a person looking for some trouble, that's who.
me: you're insane.

drove back to B's so G could get her car. laughed as she peed in his bushes. headed home. what a great night. it's been a while since i had that much fun. got home and was in bed by 5am. got up at 9am to meet jules for brunch and a flick. two breakfasts within a twelve hour span. that's more than i have all year. french toast, yum. got the lowdown on what to expect saturday at the wedding. a piano player? no dj? sounds. like. fun. oh well. found out who would be at my table. and who was going to be there. sounds like a interestring crowd. saw the stepford wives. it was really good. very funny. far less creepy than the original one. headed home, and now my sister is back in town for a week. more bonding time with the good doctor.

beer

me: hey
ms. b: hi
me: what's wrong?
ms. b: where should i start?
me: how did your dad's surgery go?
ms. b: they postponed it. again.
me: what?!
ms. b: i know!
me: so you have to drive down there for the third time?
ms. b: yeah. i went postal on their asses.
me: what did you do?
ms. b: i told them if he gets bumped again they better start running for cover cause i'll start taking people out.
me: that's my girl.
ms. b: i'll see you later. i'm going home to get drunk.
me: at noon on a saturday?
ms. b: at noon on a saturday.

after four shirts, i finally decided what to wear out tonight. when someone calls and i'm in the process of getting dressed i let my phone ring. i don't know what it is, but talking to someone naked makes me feel like a phone sex operator. i invited the former/slowly becoming again best friend to tag along with us tonight. i love having her back in my life. got confirmation on some speculation about a certain someone at work. i had no doubt. i guess missy will be there tonight as well. it's slowly becoming a thing. i haven't seen her in a few years, i can't wait. okay, got some beers to drink and a booty to shake. i'm out.

summer

my thoughts on how this summer will rock:


before sunset -
as a young ethan hawke appeared on the screen i immediately knew what i was about to see. yes i heard the rumors a year ago. yes i knew it was gonna happen eventually. and now it's almost here. my heart jumped as the back-story played out on the screen. and then i saw them. yes i saw the scene where ethan gestures with his hand and we see the wedding ring. yes i saw the look on julie's face that would lead one to believe that that's how she finds out he's married. but i still can't wait to see how it all plays out. i will drive six hours to see this movie if it doesn't open around here.


garden state -
i saw the second trailer for this today. once "let go" by frou frou began to play, while the screen was still black, i knew what was coming. i was pleasantly surprised to see that it was a new and longer trailer. i'm sick of being taunted by it, i want this movie to open now. at least i finally know what it's about.


the village -
this was the one of the four that i knew about all along. i love his movies. they are creepy and make you think, aka not your normal summer movie.


cellular -
well. what can i say? the trailer has chris evans shirtless in it. that's pretty much all i needed to make me want to see this movie.

not the one

i had no idea that tomorrow was the day until i got your email today. it's really no surprise that i'd suddenly hear from you. but still, i'll be there for you. of course i will. i always am. fifty percent purely for selfish reasons, what being around you does to me. how i smile. how i laugh. how i live. fifty percent for the selfless reasons. you need me, i'd step in front of traffic for you. plain and simple. that's what we do. that's who we are. in spite of the past. in spite of an uncertain future. we care. we love. we're there for one another. when the bad things happen, the damage that we've done to one another seems to slowly dissolve, and all that remains is the reason that we found one another in the first place. you've pissed me off unlike anyone else. i run hot and cold with you, depending on the current mood of my heart. at times i've pushed you away until i saw you reach for the door to the exit and then i'd run after you. but when it comes down to it. i'm there for you anytime you need me. you knew that. you wouldn't have asked if you didn't. that's who we are. that's what we do. the bad times don't make you throw in your hand and walk off, head down, not looking back. the bad times make you appreciate the good times. make you remember the goods times. not toss them aside as if they never existed. they make you realize that the other person must really matter to you, because you can't let someone down if you never mattered to them in the first place.

it's funny that you emailed me. sitting there in the dark today, you were on my mind. she was on my mind. how the simple fact of just being who she was, is, almost destroyed you. the affects a person has on another's heart is almost too much to believe at times. she was messed up. she was running from a past, from so many mistakes that she could never outrun. looking over her shoulder at how close it was all gaining on her, not looking at where she was going, she crashed into you. she was your happiness. your good. you held her for a little while. but it all eventually caught up with her, and you awoke one morning to find her running away again. letting go of your hand, and leaving you behind. what happened to you made my fear of letting anyone in seem that much more real to me. it made me see that i was right all along. the only result of letting someone in is the damage that they do to your heart. i told you that in december. i was silly. i was foolish. i didn't heed my own warning. my heart went in one direction, and my head in another. i knew what was and what wasn't, but my heart stupidly still believed. for the first and only time in my life i looked at each and every little thing, every sign, no matter how big or small, as a positive one. i couldn't believe it myself. the king of doubt was looking at everything as an invitation to believe, to fall. and i fell. i fell hard. i'm still bruised from it. i believed i was more than i was. more than i could ever be. that i was enough. you did too. you thought you were at the end of one chapter, about to build something new with her. it's what you wanted, how could you ever know that she would run again? how could you possibly know that you were just another stop along the way, a chance to rest, a chance to hide, never once were you her destination. you pick yourself up. you dust yourself off. you move on. that's what you do. that's what we do. that's the only way to survive i guess.

"i waltzed around you seven times, only to become a melody you never sang, i'm not the one..."

feeling

"i used to think that things were meant to be. farewell to the old me. my life is working better now, you're always changing anyhow."

"you don't know the next thing you will say, this is your favorite kind of day, it has no walls. the beauty of the rain is how it falls. and there's nothing wrong, but there is something more. but when she gave you more to find, you let her think she lost her mind. and that's all on you, feeling helpless as she asked for help."

"it's not a mend, it's just a start. not an end, it's just a start. and the world's not falling apart, because of me."

"the time it was i had a dream, and you're the dream come true. and if i had the world to give, i'd give it all to you."

- dar williams

half

on the way down - ryan cabrera. sweetness.

i want a candy bar. i did buy doritos today. buy one get one, i mean come on. dar williams is beautiful. she sings me to sleep at night. i've had three of her cds for a long time, but never really got into them. then i saw the songwriters on tv last week and i thought i'd give her another try. i'm so glad i did. got attitude from the gorilla "woman" at work today.  i'm sorry people mistake you for a man.  i'm sorry i'm more of a woman than you are.  no need to take out your sad little frustrations on me, step off.  half of my electricity went out tonight. that was odd. some lights worked, some didn't. that pretty much sums up how my day went. half of me was here, the other half was thinking about our vegas vacation. it's official, my sister called me tonight to let me know that i now have to call her Dr. Sister. we'll see, but i am proud of her. i guess it's my turn to be the black sheep again. it's been a while. at least we take turns, it makes things easier that way.

me: can you get me any cool drugs?
her: no.
me: can you save my life?
her: no.
me: you're a pretty sucky doctor.
her: har har.

blah blah blah

by this time tomorrow i was informed that i will have to refer to my sister as *fingers crossed* DR. Sister from now on. she's sweating it, i'm sure she'll do just fine. i am now the proud possessor of the much sought after GMail account. this is me all shades of indifference. we'll see. "the" wedding is fast approaching. something tells me i'll get all kinds of stories out of this one. i need to buy some dress clothes that fit. nikki is drooling at the thought of an open bar. hopefully she won't vomit on anyone from my past, as she's been known to do. jules said that she plans on getting drunk before walking down the aisle. she said that was the only way she could get through it in her sleeveless bridesmaid dress. with 500 invited guests i'm pretty much assuming that my entire graduating class from high school will be there. i find myself recently addicted to the show once and again. i love me some sela ward. i watched like the last season when it was originally on, now i'm being sucked into the way it all started. as if i need one more reason for people to think of me as the house wife i'm slowly becoming. oh well, it's a good show. i find myself suddenly spending more time with my tv and a lot less time in front of my computer. paul's party in july promises to be a good time. plus chris, the cutie from last fall, will be there. as will B and ms. k. but lisa mentioned something about a little trip for us then as well. now i'm torn. what she has in mind would no doubt be pure insanity. plus i'd get to experience something i missed out on. she's such the mother hen, i love her for that. i don't know, i just can't decide. and i made a sweet new sleep mix on the old nomad. i think i'm gonna go crawl under the covers and try it out.

where were you...

i found this on his site.

1. where were you when you heard that ronald reagan died?
i signed on and saw it in my little online news thing.

2. where were you on september 11, 2001?
at work. P was freaking because no one really knew what was going on. my mom called me and i asked her for some information, she didn't have the tv on so she had no idea what was happening. once she found out some news she called me back. i remember how odd it was to go outside to my car and not hear any planes flying overhead, and having every radio station broadcasting the same information.

3. where were you when you heard that princess diana died?
on my way to a party with ms. b at B's house. we were waiting for ms. k to get off work to come and get us. we were drunk at the time and were unable to take our eyes off the tv. that is until we decided that we were tired of waiting on ms. k and planned on walking the several miles to B's house.

4. do you remember where you were when you heard kurt cobain had died?
i was driving home from school (college). hootie and the blowfish's "hold my hand" was playing on the radio. they announced it as soon as the song ended. at the time i heard it they just said a body was found at his house, and no one was really sure who it was at the time.

5. take one for the gipper: what’s your favorite flavor of jelly bean?
ick. i hate jelly beans. vomit.

6. where were you when magic johnson announced he was retiring from the nba due to aids?
i have no idea.

7. where were you when reagan was shot?
i was in kindergarten, so i don't think it really had much of an impact on me.

8. where were you when the challenger exploded?
in fifth grade. our teacher came in and told us she had something very serious to discuss with us. she told us what happened, then we spent the next few hours watching live coverage of it on tv.

9. where were you when the oj verdict was announced?
i came home for lunch in between classes and ended up watching it go down on tv rather than making it to my next class.

my favorite part

m.l.p.: i keep reminding myself that every time jesus closes a door, he opens a window.

j.m.: yeah, so we can jump out of it.

-from saved

one week

got off the plane. hugged my sister. went home. crashed on the couch. watched a bunch of tv. got caught up on the latest season of road rules. the homophobe looks like michael, it's unreal. got re-addicted to my so-called life. got preached at about safe sex by a ten year old on the N. um, something's not right about that. introduced my sister to the sunday night sex show. we both screamed and changed the channel. saw the diet coke commercial with kate beckinsale. fell in love. got twelve hours of sleep. wow. got up, couched it again. have no idea what i watched. opened the door to greet my sis. i remember eating dinner. back to the tv. "oooh who's the boss. i hope this is the one with ray charles, the always a friend one!" sadly, it was not. watched three episodes. was that show always that bad? was tony danza always that gay? did MSCL again. caught an episode of another world from 1988. "i remember this one." "i do too. wow, how old were we?" had some ice cream. watched some will & grace season 2. slept some. got up a little late. too late for lunch, stopped at target for a soft pretzel. made it in time to see saved. loved it. so funny. great message. mandy was insane. the jewish chick rawked. headed home. more bad tv. more MSCL, more AW. more ice cream. watched the felicity when she chopped off her hair. i blame ben. slept a little. made it to lunch this time. the hostess handed my sister her salad and looked confused. "am i forgetting something?" she asked. "ah, yeah. his food?" my sis explained. "oh! i'm sorry. be right back." she said, heading for the kitchen. what did she think i was there for? odd. did some shopping. got a milkshake. headed home. by now you know the routine. by friday she headed out. did some cleaning. watched camp. vlad! oh. my. cock. great movie. loved the music. watched episode 1 of roswell. i think i had more ice cream. got up early saturday and cleaned. lost track of time. watched four episodes of felicity season 2. sunday woke early to go to church with my mother and visit my aunt and uncle. my uncle was diagnosed with bone cancer, he looks okay considering. headed home. had a salad, to balance out all of the ice cream that was consumed. watched scary movie 3, surprisingly funny. better than 2, not as good as 1. checked out grind. not a bad movie, good music. didn't think i could love adam brody and his dorkiness any more. saw him dance in that movie and i fell even harder. sigh. finished cleaning up. rediscovered duncan sheik's first cd. sadly went to bed. watched a little more vlad, camp. woke up to sarah mclachlan's "mary". remembered how much i loved that song. headed to work. it was sunny. it was nice. it was warm. i wanted to cry. by eleven i decided the next person to ask me how vacation went was getting a stapler to the head. somehow survived the day. came home and decided it's time to reintroduce myself to the treadmill. a week filled with ice cream and bad tv has me feeling sick. i think it's mainly from all the who's the boss exposure.

G

"sometimes in a relationship, going through hell isn't so bad, if you come out of it a little stronger. i guess the same is true about friends." -felicity

ten years ago when i moved on from you, i walked away with a promise to never look back. to not regret my choice, however hasty it may have seemed at the time. you have bad with the good in a friendship, your bad just happened to overshadow the good. now when i look back i can see you teaching me how to drive stick. i remember finding "never dreamed you'd leave in summer" together, a good thing. and "the pina colada song", yeah, not so much. your insanity and laughter are what i was missing, i just didn't realize that until i found my way back to you. i didn't see any of this happening back then. or even last fall when we hugged and all of this started up again. you were my best friend when we were seventeen. and now, you've been there for me unlike any of the others. i let you in, i showed you who i was. and we became stronger friends because of it. you came back into my life for a reason. you talked me off that ledge. you thought for me when i was unable to think for myself. who knew a best friend could be born out of rubble from the past. a long past that ended abruptly. i'm not sure if i should look at it as us not meant to be friends then when we were. or if we were meant to be friends all along, and that's why we made our way back to one another.

"it's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along."

i think about that line a lot. my goodbye ended us and i regretted that for a long time. ups and downs. endings and fresh starts. that's all in the nature of having friends i suppose. i just never saw this new one getting to me like it did. and once it did, i spent all my time fearing that it would end. i guess the fear then consumed me. and the only way i knew how to deal with what i knew i'd lose was to push it away first, before i got left behind. seven days worth of ripping everything apart, and that's what i've come up with.

scarred

sometimes what you need the most is waiting for you at the airport as you walk through the gate.  waiting to take you back to a place where you don't fuck up.  a place where you don't hurt the one person that somehow quietly, slowly, became someone that mattered more to you than you realized.  the last person you'd ever want to hurt.  a place where your insecurities don't exist.  a place where you're not a mistake.  a place where the following four days helped to make the previous four seem a little less sad. a place where a bowl of ice cream on a humid summer night is enough.  is perfect.  where you watch the my so-called life episode when danielle dresses up like angela for halloween. the who's the boss episode where the living dolls spin off starts. an another world episode from 1988 with matt and josie. an another world episode you remember watching when it was new. a will & grace episode that's painful, when it really shouldn't be. the felicity episode where she cuts off her hair. a hug from a sister.  phone calls from two friends.  all help to make things seem a little better.  even when they really aren't.  i don't need photographs.  i don't need souvenirs. i have the three inch scar on my arm that will forever remind me that i really was there.  of how stupid i am. how i lose the things i try so hard to hang on to. and at the same time find myself pushing away. that i really messed up. and of all that i lost.

letters from boston

heard patty griffin as the plane closed in on boston. perfection. a little matthew jay as we were landing. "remember this feeling...", no doubt. surprisingly calm as i met the ringo at the airport. how a stranger can seem like a life-long friend is something i won't question and will just accept.

wasted a bunch of tokens. kicked myself for packing such a heavy suitcase. lugging said suitcase all about the town. did a little harvard square action. had some good will hunting moments. got yelled at by the scary homeless man i've heard of. walked around. the more i see, the more i feel like i'm living out some book i've read before. every time he points something out to me i remember reading him write about it over the past year and a half. it's crazy. several beers on an empty stomach, followed by some food started out the evening right. got a nice text from G that made me smile. gave kia a little scare. (sorry) hit a bar. drank a lot. like a lot. drunk dialed lisa. met some of his friends. stumbled off on my own. made some friends of my own. felt like i was in oz or something: the drag queen, the dude in the suit, and the angry lesbian. whatever, they bought me some drinks, i rolled with it. but they were nice. called it a night, or so i'm told. was a bit of a handful. got lost in some woods. got scolded by kia for acting up on my first night here. explained to her that she called that from the start and that was just my way of not letting her down. don't think she bought it.

today we did a lil' sight seeing action. saw the former real world residence. some schools, the capital building. got food on my new white shirt. remembered why i don't wear white. looked for a lost atm card. hung out a bit. then went to see matt nathanson. excellent. fell in love with him all over again. didn't hear "bent" the one and only song that ringo aka. "music master" knows. it's just my favorite song of his, but whatever i'm not bitter. curfew. drank some more beer at the show. wanted some pizza. found some pizza, and more beer. came back to his place. gave him all the gifts my manager sent me off with, as well as the ones i picked up. made plans for tomorrow, and called it a night. and used his computer to blog while rockin' out to the old nomad. thought a lot about my mom today. it was my dad's birthday and this day never is very easy for her.

tomorrow is pride. possibly some more alcohol. and meeting the famous girls i've heard so much about.

my day thus far

-popped into work to pick up some money.
-fell in love with my new brown shirt.
-wished i was thinner.
-wondered why my face is so damn shiny.
-hit target for some last minute things.
-mailed a package.
-thanked god over and over for soft-sided luggage.
-wondered why i packed so much.
-found more stuff to pack.
-made sure i had my matt nathanson tickets.
-made a mix for the nomad.
-went to the airport.

debbie: have fun.
me: thanks.
debbie: be safe.
me: i will.
debbie: don't do anything i wouldn't do.
me: mmkay.
debbie: and don't drink too much.
me: i ain't makin' no promises there.

dood, i'm on my way to boston!

holy crap i'm going to boston

GOODtobegreen: okay, i need to play music very very loud and pack way too much shit in one little suitcase...
where is KIA: so gay
where is KIA: so cute
GOODtobegreen: and there might be some dancing.
where is KIA: totally gay
GOODtobegreen: who me?
where is KIA: ...

smile, don't ask me if i'm fine

i smile when i pop in third eye blind, and put the windows down on the drive into work. i smile because it feels like summer. i smile when the lady at mcdonald's hands me my daily iced tea and says, "here you go hon. i threw in an extra lemon for ya." i want to reach through the window and hug her cute little ass. i smile when i answer the phone and my two favorite people in the whole entire world are on the other end. him telling me how he just won at dominoes again, and her telling me she's just days away from starting driver's ed. what? i remember holding her in my arms when she was three days old. i need to see them more than twice a year. blah. i smile when i see a hott boy, ripped like you would not believe, in a sleeveless hollister t. i smile even more when i find out has last name is woody. i smile when i realize that tomorrow is my last day of work before my vacation. i smile because this city's made me crazy, and i must get out. i smile when i realize that even though there are some people in this life who could take me or leave me these days, there are others who want me around. and that means more to me than i really even deserve. i smile at the absurdity of yet another situation that i seem to have stumbled upon. i smile because it happened to me, as only these things can. i smile at you because you see a new start, and i see a way of saying goodbye.

the weekend

great minds think alike. both watching MSCL a million miles apart proves that. my girl friends, and their boy drama, have an affect on my mood and they really shouldn't. true colors exist just below the surface. just because you never saw them, doesn't mean they weren't there all along. you were thrown off a little when they began to emerge. but the reality of who they became, or who they were hiding from you all along, has settled in. once again you find yourself just rolling with it, because the choice to do otherwise really isn't yours to make. shopping can't buy you any happiness, no matter how good the new jeans fit. i was angry. i was sad. i thought some new properly fitting clothes might help, turns out i was wrong. a weekend filled with letdowns, and too much k's choice proved to be a little more than what i was up for. lunch with ms. b was a much needed break in the weather. that girl burps loud and proud in public, i mean come on, how could i not love her. spoke with my sister for an hour last night. she thinks i should just go back to school here and save a large amount of money. then wait and move once i'm a little further ahead. i'm tired of waiting. all i ever do is wait. it's my life, i know the decision is mine to make. but i also know that she's right. i still can't believe that my boston trip is this week. it will be an adventure to say the least. i fear for my wallet and my liver.

we don't get much work done

manager: go to your special place.
me: why?
manager: P says you go there when people talk about sex.
me: no. i go there when YOU talk about sex.
manager: rude.
me: and it's not my special place, it's my happy place.
manager: oh.
me: my special place is my bathing suit area.
P: oh!

manager: that t-shirt is too little.
me: thanks.
manager: it looks like you borrowed it from your little brother.
me: and you look like a lesbian with a mullett.
manager: oh thanks.
me: will seemed to like it.
manager: i'm sure he did. he probably imagined rubbing himself all over it.
me: as did i.

beauty in the breakdown

i stood on the balcony, looking out over the parking lot below. thinking to myself. this can't be real. this can't be me. this isn't my life. these aren't my eyes looking out onto the cars below. this isn't my skin feeling the breeze through the open door. this isn't the night i had in mind. i don't hear you talking in the background. close to tears. wishing i knew the right words to say. wanting to help. having no idea where to even begin. i got lost in my thoughts. why am i not that tan yet? my shirt is more wrinkled than i thought it was. my flip flops are my third favorite possession, after the cuff watch and the nomad of course. i wish i was skinny. i wish i was happy. i wish i was good enough. i hate being lied to. i hear you apologize. and then you ask me to bring you a box. i step off the balcony, out of my head, and into the bedroom.

last one

ms. b: hey.
me: hey.
ms. b: whacha doin?
me: walking on the treadmill. you?
ms. b: you work out too much.
me: i have to.
ms. b: i don't work out at all.
me: you don't have to.
ms. b: i just ate some chips, two brownies and drank a coke.
me: must be nice.
ms. b: i got a new cell phone today!
me: sweet.
ms. b: yeah but when i turned it on i had 45 text messages.
me: what?
ms. b: yeah, i got a used phone. those fuckers.
me: your phone is ghett-o. nice.
ms. b: yeah, i'm going back there tomorrow and walking out with some free shit.
me: ooh! get a phone for me!
ms. b: you got it.
me: sweet.
ms. b: did you spend my money?
me: ha! no.
ms. b: well i had to ask.
me: i know.
ms. b: good. i don't want to get guido after you.
me: yeah. no. i don't want any broken knees.
ms. b: yeah, cause then you wouldn't be able to be on that treadmill for a while.
me: ha ha!

and another

kia: when i was little i wouldn't eat anything with food coloring in it.
me: i still don't. well i did have green beer on st. patrick's day.
kia: of course you did. it had beer in it.
me: of course.
kia: and you're a drunk.
me: (giggle)
kia: what's the first step in realizing that you have a problem?
me: having kia tell you that you have a problem?

kia: someone needs to point it out.
hey drunk.
hey druggie.
hey sex addict.

keara: (in the background) hey macarana!
me: (dying)

for lack of anything better

manager: i don't like her.
me: oh? why not?
manager: i hate her hair.
me: well that's a valid reason.
manager: what's that called again?
me: it's a mulligan (dying inside)
manager: yeah that's right. mulligans are so stoopid.
p: what?
manager: her hair looks dumb, i hate mulligans.
p: mulligan's is the place that gave you the shits. that's called a mullett.
manager: oh?
me: (laughing)
manager: you suck.

a week later

manager: what's that haircut called again?
me: oh, you mean a magillacutty?
manager: yeah. right? yeah.
me: yeah, you're thinking of a magillacutty.
manager: yes, a magillacutty...

a glimpse into my future

me: hello?!? (a bit worried seeing her name on the caller ID)
mom: hi. did you just call me?
me: no. i'm at work. what's up?
mom: oh, my cell phone just rang and i thought you called me.
me: no, i'm at work. doing work.
mom: i thought maybe you were on a break.
me: nope. you mean my number came up on the caller ID?
mom: oh. you know i don't know how to work that stuff.
me: nope. it wasn't me. i gotta go.
mom: okay, i'll call your sister. maybe it was her.

weight of it all

let's see...

this could be the part where i discuss the letter i just received from the best friend concerning "the incident on the lawn"
(that sounds so very lifetime original movie).

or i could whine and feel sorry myself because my work day was insanely busy. it was non-stop from the moment i walked in the door until the last 45 minutes of the day, when i pissed around. i so deserved that lil' break.

i could discuss how much miscommunication sucks. and try to explain myself so i seem less crazy. or just suck it up and move on. after talking with two people the lingering confusion has been cleared up. so i guess that's what's important.

but the only thing that really matters to me right this very moment is the other piece of mail that i'm holding in my hand. two tickets to see my lover matt nathanson in boston! i could return home happy after that, and that will only be my second day there. oh wait, there might be another dood that will be reason enough to stick around a little longer. hmmm, well maybe...

this is our last goodbye

i remember our first goodbye. i drove to meet you that morning. i had to feel your hug, breathe you in. i remember that day, before we had cell phones. i drove with my cordless phone to see how far i could make it before i lost you. i think i got to the end of the driveway. i gave you that poster i found for you. the mix tape. the mix tape with songs about us. and a letter to explain each one. you were getting dressed when i walked in. we talked. you were nervous. i was sad. we talked of me visiting. we promised to write. i loved your letters. i still have every single one. pieces of you that no one else ever got to see. pieces of you that no one else ever knew existed. you walked me to my car. i wanted you to pack me in one of your boxes. the thought of starting the engine and driving off seemed like that hardest thing i'd ever have to do. i was confused, sad, not sure where i was driving to. i drove down to the water and just sat in my car, listening to a mix tape, and cried. at the time i never expected to recover from that goodbye. almost eleven years later i'm faced with another one. you always come back to me. i say goodbye. i pretend to be over you. i pretend to cut you out of my life. but like clockwork you reappear every two months. we promised we'd stay in touch. again we discussed plans to visit. again i'm faced with a goodbye i don't know how to recover from. losing you when you're twenty minutes away doesn't seem that severe. losing you to the opposite side of the country does. the insanity that was us. and now that we both have cells, i'm wondering how far you'll make it before i lose you.

us

nikki: i had a hard time convincing you to go to the car so we could go home.

me: you should have just left me.

nikki: yeah. well, i was gonna.

me: oh yeah?

nikki: but it was late, and dark. and i didn't want to walk alone.

me: oh, well yeah...i don't blame you.

nikki: kidding.

me: biach.

nikki: drunk.

bent

it was just weird to hear my thoughts, word for word, spilling out of her mouth. maybe it was the sleep-like state that i was in. i guess it just made my feelings seem a little more valid. and maybe a little less crazy. sadly, it doesn't help my heart much.

we are what we are.
not enough,
and too much.

flawed,
and perfect.

"if i bent, like you said was best, would that a change a thing? you're so sorry about it all, now that it's over. should i thank you for that dear? you're so sorry about it all, and i hope you'll always be." m.n.