i'm fine, and you?

me: hey.
E: hi.
me: sooo, dance on any poles lately?
E: no! funny.
me: just askin'.
E: you know not every time i go out involves pole dancing.
me: really?
E: really.
me: that's not what i heard.
E: what?! from where?
me: i get the newsletter.
E: (laughing)
 
- - - - -
 
saturday, ms. b made a rule that we weren't allowed to talk while we were having dinner drinking lots and lots of drinks.  from that point on we had to sing anything we wanted to say and it had to be a real song.  for some strange reason my brain got stuck in air supply mode and that's all that i was belting out.  wtf?

- - - - -
 
don't even get me started on last night's big brother 5.
 
- - - - -
 
today, while running on the treadmill, my shorts kept sliding off.  it was all i could do to keep them on.  but i made a new mix on the ol' nomad.
 
- - - - -
 
garden state  opened today.  wonder how far i'll have to drive to see this one?

the horror

who have i become?

i am seriously, seriously addicted to days of our lives.  i used to watch it as a little kid when my mom was hooked on it.  then in high school and college i would tape it and watch it first thing when i got in the door.  i loved dr. carly manning, and jack & jen.  then i got over it once the new regime stepped in and the whole possession thing went down.  i was all like, no thanks.  and i turned my back on soaps for good.  this past spring i got reacquainted with some old school another world, and i do watch an episode of all my children from time to time, i love me some rebecca budig.  but anyway, sunday night i found my sad and pathetic butt watching 5 hours of days! and now i can't turn the tv off at 7pm at night.  damn the inhabitants of new salem.  i need to know what happened.  if they are alive or dead.  what marlena really was up to.  and who is behind this whole mess.  it's a sick sad addiction, and i fear i'm held captive to it (much like shirtless shawn in the crazy prison of his) until the end when they reveal exactly what's been going on.  i almost got away and then they flashed back to a little jack & jen action from 93-94.  that mixed with the mention of carly being buried alive around that same time and i was a goner (gone, much like the ability for roman and caroline to show any emotion on their overly-botoxed faces).  yikes.
 

"isn't that the way we paint the town..."

wednesday:
saw before sunset.  i can't profess my love enough for this movie.  as it ended he said, "i wish it wasn't playing so far away, i really need to see that again." i agreed but decided that i wanted to see the first one again.  the last scene was cinematic perfection.  so real.  so effortless.  it sneaks up on you and quietly bashes you over the head as the screen fades to black.  wow.  dinner was great as well.  nice conversation.  great company.  you're a little kid and an adult rolled into one person.  i don't know how you do it.  you make me laugh, both at and with you.  shopping at borders at 10pm was a lot of fun.  going from shelf to shelf picking out movies for one another.  i'm still bitter that everyone has a box set except brak.  damn the man.

thursday:
dinner with the girls from work.  i brought frozen cosmos and a killer new sandwich into their lives.  we ate so much i seriously thought vomiting was the only option.  i saw rick.  i hoped that i would, but didn't really think i would.  i really wasn't even looking for him and then i looked up and saw him looking at me, one table over.  i found myself smiling and saying hi as he walked up to our table.  had a mini-out of body experience.  had to text G and fill her in.

me: guess where i am? guess who i just saw?
G: you soooo saw rick! call me and fill me in when you get home.

friday:
saw the bourne supremacy.  sweet.  i did like the first one a little better.  but this one was not a disappointment in the slightest.  later that night i went to the campgrounds with my mom.  saw my aunt and uncle.  he still looks ok, has some more doctor's visits this week and is still on his cancer medication.  i found myself flashing back to when i was a little kid, as i always do when i'm there every summer.  i remember the place being so big, buildings far apart.  now everything looked so tiny to me.  as if i were viewing the entire area through the window of an airplane.  even the lake out front seemed to be half the size it once was.  i thought about the time my grandpa's heart stopped and we called for an ambulance  the wait for it was one of the scariest pieces of time i've ever found myself in.  i remembered playing board games with my cousins until 2am in the only building that had air conditioning in it.  and now it all just seemed like a different place to me.

saturday:
met up with the girls (ms. b and ms. k) for dinner and some drinks.  a lot of drinks.  ms. b was toasted.  we laughed a lot.  tried to fill in the few remaining missing pieces from paulie's party last weekend.  mainly what bedrooms everyone walked out of in the morning.  paulie either shared his bed with a married woman or a boy, we're still not sure on that one.  mapped out plans for a halloween party at ms. b's.  "hi.  listen i know it's only july and halloween is months a way, but what are you doing then?" ms. b asked several people as she called them from the table.  somehow our waiter ended up giving us his number and email address so he could come.  and apparently i'm making my world famous chicken for the event.  well, that's what the piece of paper tells me anyway.  ms. b and i have our costumes already, and ms. k was a little salty that we wouldn't share what they were with her.  three hours later we found ourselves crawling across the parking lot to check out anchorman.  it was pretty funny.  um, yeah i fell asleep for like 15 minutes and i woke up and they were laughing at me.  asses.  then i got home and watched big brother 5 at 1am.  i'm okay with the nominations, thanks gawd it wasn't my will.

today:
couching it.  watching a flick or two.  phoning my sis.  catching up on some rest.
 

perfection

perfection is seeing an amazing movie.  the one you've been drooling over the thought of seeing for months now.  in a tiny little art house theater in the city.  it's knowing half an hour into the movie that you're being blown away.  and in a matter of minutes somehow the movie rockets its way into your top ten list.  just like that.

perfection is being there with you.  a new connection.  a different connection.  a better connection.  the start of something good.

perfection is reading a blog entry earlier in the day that mentioned, "the ricker" and having it bring a certain movie to mind.  then walking into borders later that night and seeing that very  movie staring back at you.  seeing it as the sign it is, you pick it up.  then taking ten steps to your right and finding the cd you've been looking for, for weeks now.  even better, two days later deciding it's hands down the best cd you've purchased in five years.
 
perfection is hearing that things work out the way they are supposed to.  and that we end up with the person we're meant to find.  and knowing that it might not seem like the easiest thing to go through at the time, but with time, those statements finally can become a positive thing.

today, last night, tonight

me: i think he was flirting with you.
nikki: yay! an 80 year old man.
me: beggars can't be choosers.
nikki: that's all i ever get, old men and little boys.
me: at least that one had all his teeth.
nikki: why can't i get a guy my own age to flirt with me?
me: i know how you feel.
nikki: i give up,  i'm gonna become a lesbian.

my thoughts on big brother:

oh cowboy, silly, silly dim-witted cowboy.  are we actually pretending that you have ANY power in that house? really? we are? surely when you look into the mirror, that your "daddy" is flexing in front of, you can see the wee little puppet strings attached to your body.  i shake my head at the sadness that is you.

will.  how can you get cuter as the days pass? usually people begin to look a little rough the longer they remain in the house, but you seem to grow cuter each day.  sigh.  and your comment, "having to look at [drew] is like being a diabetic locked up in an ice cream parlor," made me laugh so hard.  HOH is yours this week, i can feel it.  then you can take the trash out.

karen never really did much for me prior to last night, but she won me over with the remark about jase claiming to be 28 and how deep his crows feet are.  hilarious.

and drew.  wow.  drew from ohio.  drew that lives near my cousin.  let me pencil in a little trip to visit my cousin in the fall.

and now i'm on my way out to see before sunset with someone who is just as excited as i am to see it.  who'd a thunk it?  rawk.

the rest

i woke up around 8am in the basement with G.  got up, turned all the lights off and moved from the couch to the floor.  G said she was burning up and was thirsty.  i think i said "yeah," and then went back to sleep.  a few hours later the air had kicked on and we were both freezing.  shortly after that we decided to make our way upstairs to look for the others.
 
ms. k: good morning!
me: what's up?
ms. k: we slept outside.
me: what?!
 
apparently she and her boy went to the car to get their bags.  ms. k decided that it was too comfortable there in the driver's seat to go back inside.  her boyfriend tried his best to get her to go back inside, but she wasn't having it.  when it comes to ms. k drunkenly sleeping in the car you don't mess around.  i've witnessed that far too many times.  so he got in with her and then next thing they knew it was 6am and they headed for the house.  at that point everything was locked up and we were all passed out.  the knocked, no one heard them.  so they made a bed on the patio.
 
i woke up missing my cell phone, camera, and car keys.  i found the phone and camera on the back patio.  the keys however were no where to be found.  nice.  we checked the entire house.  the yard.  my pockets.  my car.  around my car.  considering that my car was locked i knew there was no way they'd be in the car.  one of paul's friends from the party randomly showed up on the street when i was out front looking for the keys.  i remembered talking to him quite a bit the night before, but i had no idea what we discussed.  i know i thought he was cute.  maybe we discussed how cute he was, i have no idea.  he stood there for a bit in awkward silence like he wanted to say something or like i was supposed to remember something.  it was kind of strange.  the only thing that was going through my mind was, "did we make out? i think we made out.  i know i wanted to make out with you.  did we make out?" and with that he was off.  saying goodbye and telling me it was nice to meet me.  guess that one will remain a mystery.  back to the keys.  we tore that house apart.  paulie started calling people to see if they picked up my keys by mistake.  we woke B up hoping he could shed some light on things.  he had no idea.  he spent the next twenty minutes looking in all the places we looked in.  my keys no longer existed.  G kept asking me if the were in my pocket.  ms. k's boyfriend kept telling me to call the cops.  so we decided to go through the trash.  me, B and ms. k digging through three huge, wet, disgusting bags of trash.  "it's a good thing you didn't ask me to do this at 9 because i would have been vomiting." B said as we laughed.
 
B: do you have a spare set at home?
me: yeah.
B: well, i'll just drive you up to get them, and then back down here.  and then up again.
G: are you sure they're not in your pockets?
me: i swear if you ask me that one more time i'm gonna punch you.
 
nothing.  so B retraced my steps one last time.  of course he found them buried in the recliner where i fell asleep.  paulie checked it, i checked it, ms. k checked it, but B was the one to find them.  why wasn't i surprised?  "you couldn't have done that before we went through the trash?" ms. k asked.
 
after that we sat around the living room and filled everyone in on the parts we were all missing from the night before.  by then it was just me, G, paulie, B, ms. k and her guy, doug and teresa.  we all had several pictures but no one remembered what they were of.  "i remember a lot of flashes all night long." ms. k said.
 
around 1pm, we finally found the motivation to head out and drive the 2+ hours home.  G was sicker than sick, but wanted to stop for food.  i was still full from the burger at 2am so i passed.  stopped for gas.  stood outside while she sat in the car SCREAMING at her boyfriend who was drunk by 11am.  just a wee bit awkward.  but things got better in a matter of minutes.
 
G: are doug and teresa swingers?
me: (laughing) i dunno, why?
G: well i was really drunk, but i think i walked in on her saying that.
me: what? really?
G: yeah, and then i just watched her for the rest of the night, looking for stuff.
me: that's crazy.
G: she was really into you.
me: what?!
G: yeah, sitting on your lap.  arms wrapped all around you.
me: what?!
G: that's an odd thing for a wife to do, and he didn't seem to think anything of it.
me: i don't remember any of that.
G: it happened.  she kept saying that she loved you.
me: oh my.
G: yeah.
me: well, she did rip B's shirt off, just to see what that was like.  buttons flew everywhere.
 
for the rest of the ride home we made fun of her boyfriend.  we saw a rocket-like motorcycle,  odd.  it was all closed in, and a little man sat inside driving it.  and yes, i was completely sober at this point.  i dropped G off and headed home to chill on my couch with a little eternal sunshine...

G: why is it that whenever i hang out with you, i i need to recuperate from it?
me: i feel fine.
G: yeah, you suck.  thanks for inviting me.  bye.
 

well, i did say we were gonna party like rock stars...

part one
 
picked up G at 1pm.  ran across the street for some beverages and snacks.  found these little bottles of cough syrup looking things called tarantulas  decided they were too funny to pass up.  we agreed on margaritas.  i rarely ever drink them, and i was in the mood for something different.  we spent an hour walking around the store trying to figure out what alcohol we were going to get and what kind of snacks we wanted.  we laughed a lot.  the more time i spend reconnecting with her, the more insane i realize she is.  i love it.  so we filled our arms with so much stuff and she gave me a hard time about passing up the cart she wanted to get when we walked in.  hey, i was there for booze, who knew we were buying so much?

so we headed off on our two hour drive south.  we listened to the mix i made and laughed about the wedding insanity that she missed out on.  we drove in and out of some rain storms.  one little stretch it was impossible to see the road at all.  people were stopping and pulling off.  we had a party to get to, so we/i forged ahead.  we made it to paulie's and i called the best friend to fill her in on what we bought and told her the place was very easy to find.  met a girl outside on the street who asked us if we were coming or going.  i told her we were leaving, the party ended early and we were heading out.  she didn't buy it.  so we went inside and met up with B and paulie.  we got B to make our drinks for us after we decide the whole bucket thing was too much effort for us to worry about.  leave it to B to handle things.  most of the work crowd was upstairs, B wanted us to see the basement and the bar.  so he, G and i headed for that part of the house.  got sucked into watching some i love the 90s.  chilled, talked, laughed.  G convinced B to go get us some cheese and crackers.  then the entire party moved to us.  all our efforts to be antisocial until the buzz kicked in went out the window.  we sat there for a few minutes and decided we needed a refill.  i think we were on our third by that point.
 
so G and i made our way upstairs and hit the restroom and refilled our drinks.  two separate thoughts there, the drinks were not found in the restroom.  well not at that point anyway.  so we sat at the kitchen table and kept with the loner theme.  she grilled me on the gay thing... how long had i known, who was my first crush, what kind of guys do i like.  things like that.  she laughed when i told her about my first crush.  i told her i thought paulie's one friend was cute, and she decided she'd see if we were compatible.  too cute.  she asked me a bunch of questions about paulie as well.  i had very few answers for her.  this is the part of the evening where we established that i'm far more self-absorbed than i ever realized.  "i know he's told me, but i don't really listen." was pretty much my response to everything.  we just laughed.  i told her that after the wedding nikki was kind of awkward around me.  and that i could tell she felt stupid about how drunk she got.

me: she thought i was mad at her.
G: really?
me: yeah, so i just tried to talk to her like nothing ever happened.
G: well that's good.
me: yeah i mean it's not like i'm gonna stop being friends with her over a crazy drunken night.
G: (laughing at the irony)
me: oh, i didn't even think about that.  yeah i guess i would know.

B tracked us down and sat and chilled with us for a bit.  drinking on an empty stomach (that seems to be a theme for me) found me pretty tipsy at this point.  i said the sour was giving me an achy stomach so i switched to some water.  the rain finally stopped just in time for paulie to fire up the grill.  everyone moved outside.  doug and teresa eventually showed up.  it didn't take them long to catch up to our buzz.

while waiting on our well done burgers, i believed i asked for mine to be black and crunchy, we moved back inside.  took some random pictures.  talked to G about the website.  B walked in on the conversation and grilled me about it.  he wasn't buying my story when i told him that this little thing doesn't exist.  "you know that's pretty much what i do all day at work.  i'll find you," he informed me.  gulp.  anyway.  a little drunk dial action went down.  B took paulie's party mix out, that just started, and replaced it with mine.  he was pretty excited when i told him what the first and last songs were.  when he drinks he becomes an adorable little kid.  nothing makes me laugh more.

so the best friend and her boyfriend FINALLY showed up.  we were all trashed by this point.  i just remember looking up and seeing her face come out of the darkness on the side of the house.  that's when the drinking games started.  "yeah, i'm gonna pass, i don't need a game to help me get drunk.  i can do it on my own," G said.  i felt the same way.  so we sat and talked.  made a few more calls.  that's when the shots came out.  yeah we really needed more alcohol.
 
went for a walk with the best friend and she filled me in on her dad.  sounds like he's doing much better.  we sat on the front porch and called ms. b.  told her i loved her and missed her and wished she could be there with us.  headed back to the others.  B decided it was time to shotgun a few beers.  he got a lot of people to join in on it.  of course he was the only one there that knew how to do it.  so he had to do everyone's for them.  G and i laughed so hard watching him run from person to person setting them up.  the pictures from that are so funny.  somehow i was dragged into all of that.  people began to chant for me.  i informed the crowd that i was the biggest puss-puss in the world and i would in fact be doing mine in two separate installments.  at least i was honest.  i ended up doing it three times.  G did one, and the majority of hers ended up in the grass.
 
after that none of us are really all that sure what happened.  G and i think we went in to watch a movie.  paulie was grilling for us all (again) at 2am when we decided we were ready to eat again.  doug was doing laps around the house at this point.  i guess he fell and B and ms. k gave it their best shot trying to convince him the grass was food.  they did get him to lick a rock, telling him it was a steak.  they are evil.  B and paulie had to drag doug to bed. 

doug: where are we going?
paulie: this way, come on.
doug: is this the after party?!
B: yeah, it's the after party.
doug: rock and roll!!!

too funny.
 

happy birthday to my favorite wannabe ninja. 

just like jack & rosario

i just remembered getting engaged last night.  G and i decided that we'd get married so we could get a lot of nice stuff.  the plan was to then use the money to take a two week vacation in hawaii.
 
me: six months, and then we'd get a divorce.  i'd site irreconcilable differences.
B: the trick is to stay married long enough so you don't have to give the gifts back.
me: oooh, good point.
G: i could totally stay married to you.
me: as long as we could sleep with other people.
G: absolutely.  my boyfriend does that now.
me: we decided that she'd buy the ring, and i'd reimburse her with the wedding cash.
B: i have a ring right now that's not getting any use.  you could borrow it.
me: sweet!
B: someone might as well get some use out of it.

yay! i've always wanted my very own loveless, sexless marriage.  i so can't wait.  it's all about the giftage. 
 

yeah, it was like that

true friends go through three huge and disgusting bags of trash in an effort to find your missing car keys.  how did we drink that much?

that was the longest two and a half hour drive home ever.  i'm glad i wasn't hung over like the person in the passenger seat.
 
now i'm gonna go crash on the couch and watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, thanks to paulie for getting it and B for giving me his copy.  i love being friends with pirates.  arrrgh.
 

adult diapers, kiddie pools & handcuffs

D: (odd moaning sound)
me: did you just soil yourself?
D: yes, in the privacy of this room.
me: it's not really private if i had to sit through it.
D: but i'm wearing my depends.
me: ew, sick.  you are foul.
D: i have a glade freshener too, built in.
me: a glade plug in?
D: yes, a glade butt plug in.
me: goodbye.
 
- - - - - 

came home.  swore i was gonna work out.  didn't work out.  crashed on the couch.  watched once & again.  missed ten minutes while napping.  watched ashlee simpson throw a tantrum.  wondered why i was watching that show.  wondered what ryan cabrera was doing slumming with that spoiled brat.  hoped he was just using her for some air time, and to make a name for himself.  "cardnation"? it's carnation you crazy bitch.  called G to set up plans for tomorrow.  she was waiting in the car for her boyfriend.  she needs to get away.  i want to get away.  i'm glad we're getting away. 
 
me: paulie said to bring a suit if you want, he has a pool.
G: he does?
me: well he said it was more for cooling off, not for swimming.
G: like a kiddie pool?
me: yeah, i have no idea.
G: hmm, wonder what that's about?
me: maybe it's a tiny pool and we'll take turns sitting in it while everyone else stands around the outside watching us. 
G: (laughing) yeah, i'm good without swimming.
me: me too.
 
she called me back later to let me hear her boyfriend yelling at her in the background.  then i lost her.  wondered what was up.  called her back, no answer.  then she texted me to let me know he took her phone and threw it.  um, she needs to put an end to that shit.  made a mix for the party.  and now it's a little my so-called life, just one of the best episodes ever (the one with the handcuffs and the hooch!), and then i'm calling it a night.

stuff

adria the twin? i love it. i guess the twist really was a twist. it's nice not to be let down by something that was over-hyped, for once.

will, will, will. i got nuthin', i just like to say his name while dreaming of him.

scott still makes me want to vomit. must he always: sit with, dress like, touch, whisper to, stare at... jase. he makes will look like the butchest man ever. you rock, yeah HOH is sooo yours, chump.

- - - - -

i saw a woman in her 70s today wearing the same belt that i was wearing.

me: i swear i found this in the men's section.
manager: right. do you shop at 80 plus?
me: what's that?
manager: a store for little old ladies.
me: oh, isn't your frequent shopper card filled up there?
manager: hey!
me: i'm taking this belt off.

manager: what are those lines on your jeans?
me: the whisks?
manager: yeah, what are they for?
me: they draw your attention to my crotch.
manager: what? well that's dumb.
me: it worked didn't it?

my latest ways of driving her mad are attaching these little clips to the back of her shirt without her noticing. i have crazy mad stealth-like skills that others are envious of. it takes her a while to figure out why everyone around her is randomly laughing. you'd think by the fifth clip for the day she'd instinctively know what to look for. sadly, no. my other fun that gets me through the day is hiding her chair in different parts of the room. good times. one more day, then it's a weekend of partying in the big city. i'm tired of being on my best behavior. this weekend is all about renewing my rockstar status. with G as my partner in crime, that should be easy enough to do. wurd.

a basement in 1994

i remember that time we road in the pimp ass lincoln to twin-value. i remember when we had a twin-value. warm summer air. windows down. rockin' out to a little gin blossoms. maybe even some soul asylum. i'm not sure who's idea it was to go on the search for some alcohol. considering we were nineteen i'm not sure why we thought the little excursion would provide us with any results. we passed the beer aisle at least twenty times trying to figure out what we were going to do, while trying to play it cool. coming across as the most suspicious version of cool there ever was. then we spotted him, cool, cute, twenty-something, filling his cart with booze. nothing but booze. we made the decision to approach him, i have no idea where it came from, but it was a unanimous one. "sure," he responded with a smile. "just get lost and we'll meet up in the parking lot, you can pay me then," he told us. and off we went giggling like a group of six-year-olds on christmas morning. it felt like we waited for a year in that parking lot. i remember how our stomachs dropped as the cop car drove past. josh wanted to run, the rest of us laughed. and then he found us. the exchange was made. and off we went. while trying to decide who's house to take the illegal contraband to josh opened one up in the back seat. i guess if we were gonna get busted for under-age consumption what was a little open container added to it? with youth comes courage and stupidity, both in large amounts. eventually we found ourselves at the best friend's house, sneaking the beer in through the basement window. not obvious in the slightest. then we drank. then we got drunk. very drunk. i remember mindo lighting the wrong end of her cigarette. someone puked in the sink in the basement. and someone else hovered above it while peeing in it. i remember laughing at both sights. i remember the best friend's dad having to drive mindo and josh home because we were all "too tired" to drive anyone anywhere. we felt like rockstars knowing that we got away with something big. that was until the best friend's dad got back and told us the next time we planned on getting drunk together in the basement, we should just make plans to stay over. yeah, we were smooth.

if you're headless, what's $50?

so jules sent us all an email yesterday telling us about this former prison, that's supposed to be haunted, about an hour away from us. for like fifty bucks you get to spend the entire night roaming around the prison awaiting your early demise i suppose. each weekend night they allow small groups to do some scooby-style investigating. she thought it would be fun if our little circle of friends could make up the majority of the group. now i've seen enough horror movies to know that this little plan has "bad idea" written all over it. it will start out all nice and normal, someone will crack a joke or two to lighten the mood. but as soon as someone announces they'll "be right back", or some virgin wanders off to have sex in the woods, limbs will begin to be ripped off and we'll all wind up headless by morning. well, they will. i'll be the one running away at 8:05pm* screaming my head off like the twelve-year-old little girl that i am. possibly leaving a trail of pee behind me the entire way home.

*the event begins at 8pm.

left moving

the words come. or they don't. feeling a certain way, once upon a time. or maybe not. you have no idea if you know anymore. maybe that one day wasn't a nightmare you found yourself in, ever impossible to wake from. maybe all the other days were one long dream that you never realized you were even in. maybe that's for the best. now comes sleep. the pain in the stomach is gone. as is doubt, worry, second-guessing, feeling inferior. so much to change, do, be, become. maybe it was all too much. never being able to live up to an ever growing list of demands. never really knowing which side they were coming from. and why does there even have to be a side? why can't a mistake simply just be, without blame being sought. now, as always, it's how it is, not what you want, but you always had very little say in that matter. change. deal. move on, or be left behind.

a meme

go to googlism.
enter your first name into the search box and googlism yourself.
pick you twenty-five favorite responses, and list them.
bold the one that's your favorite.

- - - - -

jay is ugly

jay is not god

jay is right

jay is slowly but surely getting his strength back

jay is 29

jay is like stepping into another world

jay is trying not to paint himself into a corner

jay is going to get it up the ass this time

jay is 100% straight

jay is an angry homosexual

jay is fat huh? well he sure is good for a fat guy

jay is demanded by 75% of crankies

jay is not avoiding me at all but is merely lost in a fog

jay is dedicated to helping you locate that "special" property

jay is a honest to god moron

jay is a sight for sore eyes

jay is the coolest roadie in the world and now he has a fan club

jay is found from east to west as far as north as the tree limit and south to where the northern evergreen forests end

jay is between 9 and 12 inches long

jay is sooooooo cool

jay is first interracial porno

jay is hiphop

jay is canadian

jay is batboy?

jay is gone

last night, a recap

D: (getting her corona) can i put my lime in it?
waitress: honey, you can do whatever you want.
me: it's your beer.
D: i know, but i didn't know if they'd have a hard time getting it out of there.
me: well it's not like they're gonna fill it up and serve it to someone else.
dawnnie: (laughing)

dawnnie: his hair is long now.
me: really?
dawnnie: yeah, i gave him french braids one night.
D: you should have given him those bob marley pig tails.
me: you mean dreads?
D: oh, yeah. dreads.

me: i see your mom all the time.
dawnnie: she's insane.
me: yeah, but she's sweet.
dawnnie: yeah.
me: she still calls me mike.
dawnnie: (choking and laughing)
me: but i don't want to be mean and correct her.
dawnnie: so you let her call you mike?
me: yeah, i don't want to be rude.

so dinner was nice. it was a toss up. drinks with JH, drinks and a movie with G, or dinner and drinks with dawnnie. of course everyone decides they want to go out all on one night. since she's never in town i went with dawnnie. still the same old love of my life. thrift store soccer t. leather cuff bracelet. adorable as ever. i was pretty much dressed the same way while i was out earlier but decided to get a little more dressed up at the last minute, assuming she would be as well. sadly, that was not the case. i met up with them in the parking lot and she got out of the car eating a piece of pizza. i informed her that she's the only person i know who would show up to dinner, eating. had a killer blt. had a few beers. she kept taunting me with her cigarette trying to get me to smoke. "now you know where i ended up the last time you got me to smoke while drinking, so i'll pass." she just smiled her wicked smile and nodded. i made plans to visit her within the next month. of course she'll be on the beach when i'm in her town next weekend for paulie's party. but i promised to make a trip down before i head to virginia to see my sister. speaking of the party, i got an email tonight telling me to come down friday if i wanted to party for a full 48 hours. dude knows how to do it up right. and the two hour car ride with the adorable G should be sweet. kicking around the idea of bringing nikki along as well. we'll see. i wish there wasn't all that bad blood between ms. b and theresa because it would be insane having ms. b there as well. and rumor has it hilary duff is making some prank calls telling people they are hoochies, i'm not sure what's up with that. crazy crack whore.

BB5

chatted with ms. b last night during commercials for big brother, stuck with texting while the show was on. we agreed that cowboy has got to go. that accent is like nails on a chalkboard.

me: i hate it when he talks.
ms. b: and cries.
me: does he (jase) own anything with sleeves?
ms. b: can he live without that DAMN head band?
me: i think it's attached to his brain, assuming he has one.
ms. b: oh, that explains it.

this whole frat boy alliance needs to be stopped before it gets out of control. seeing scott on screen makes me physically ill. i want to have will's babies. diane is sneaky, she needs to go too. and jase's explanation for nominating mike? because he tried to create an alliance with asking jase's permission first. isn't that how these alliance things work? they're meant to be kept secret from some people. that's kind of the point. i'm with will, i want to see more shots of drew in his thong.

best line of the night:

"i don't know how much hard work the others are used to, but nurses don't do yokes." - will.

please leave your penny

wake up.  roll out of bed.  sweet, i'm up early today.  should i shave? who am i kidding? i'll shave tomorrow.  wait, what's up with that clock? oh, i'm running late.  nice.  out the door.  crank up the modest mouse as i drive off.  months later, how can this cd still sound new to me? i'm hungry.  ick, i have a zit.  get to work, have a granola bar.  don't really feel like doing much.  so i don't.  try a pepsi edge.  i don't really drink pop (yes i call it pop) as a general rule, but i feel like seeing what it tastes like.  the consensus is that it's less sweet than regular pop but has more of a taste than diet.  if i was all about the pop i'd drink it, since i'm not, i'll stick with my water and iced tea.  saw matthew again.  was all about the gushing.  how can he look cuter each time i see him? it's gotta be the flip-flops.  yep, it's the flip-flops.  got an email from JH asking me to meet up for drinks tomorrow night.  that has trouble written all over it, decide to pass.  an email from jules wanting to set me up.  um, we'll leave it at maybe for right now.  dawnnie calls me at work today.  it's been so long that i have no idea when it was we last spoke.  i miss her.  i forgot how much i missed her.  she said i need to start texting her again.  will do. see michael again as well.  what's up with all these random people from my past dropping into my life today? get a staple through my collar thanks to my manager.  spend the next twenty minutes in shock saying, "i can't believe you just stapled me!" leave work, again with the modest mouse. hear some casey straton as well, excellent. get home, eat, chill, a little big brother. how cute is drew? how cute is will crushing on drew? talk to kia. fill G in on the latest. "yeah i knew my voodoo doll would work" she informs me. suddenly remember why i love her so. karma, to voodoo, to moving on. ignore. forget. dust myself off. and move on. yeah, dar williams makes it that much easier to move on. was there life before the nomad? surely not.

it ain't easy being green

reason number 162 why i hate/love kia so.

little girl is minding her own business when out of nowhere she is linked to by one of my favorite authors in the whole wide world, one christopher rice. damn i hate/love her.

kia: guess who's coming over tomorrow?
me: if you say christopher rice i'm going to hang up on you.
kia: ha ha ha! no!
me: have you read his books?
kia: no. hello...i don't read.
me: oh. well i have, and i hate you.

holly is special

so big brother 5 was pretty good last night. i didn't think it was possible to find ANYone more dim-witted than michele from last season. congrats to the casting office for finding holly. wow. yeah, wow. i'm pretty sure she's a robot. if scott does that creepy lip pose or looks at his own arms one more time i may be forced to go to that house and kick him out myself. after i vomit first that is. dude, high school ended for you about twenty years ago, you need to get over yourself. so far i'm liking drew (or is that really his brother?), adria, and will the best. talk about a shocking reveal when will told lori he was gay. was she really as surprised as she played it? i mean hello. but i do like him, and his accent. but i'll be pulling for drew, as well as hoping that he wins (har har). he's from ohio. he went to miami (shocker), and he's cute in that "i'm so damn cute but don't need to let you know it like jase and scott" sort of way. those two bitches will turn on him the moment they run out of gel for their hair, he needs to find himself a better circle to latch on to. hopefully there won't be any more "shocking twists", i can't take it! *insert eyeroll* my biggest fear is that one twist will have that cow alison returning to the show in some fashion. thank gawd she's busy being a bitch on the amazing race, hopefully that will keep her far from the big brother house.

also this weekend:

a family reunion for everyone else. the benefit of skipping out on it, for the wedding, was that i got to see my favorite relatives, while dodging the sketchy ones. i saw my favorite aunt, and three of my five favorite second cousins. we watched some power rangers, spider-man, discussed the sandlot (one of the greatest cinematic achievements in american history), played a lot of pool, and some dominoes. i sent my little cousins off with this loud toy cell phone that could bring tears to a deaf person's eyes. i'm sure that made the four hour car ride home lots of fun. *wicked grin* my aunt told me i look too skinny and i need to start eating something. she obviously did not see all the doritos, brownies, bacon and broccoli that i sucked down over the course of the weekend. mmm, love me some raw broccoli.

sis: so if she said he's too skinny what did she say about me?
mom: nothing. not a thing.
sis: oh. so basically she thinks i fat then?
mom: no!
K (my sis' boyfriend): (walking in the room) what did i miss?
me: our aunt thinks i'm too skinny and she's too fat.
mom: now that's not what i said.
sis: and she doesn't like you much.
K: what'd i do?

other highlights of the weekend:

apple pucker and sprite (thanks to mel), T's hot nephew jacob (umm...), sour apple altoids that turn your tongue bright red, val's hott shorts, my new orange tie that was a big hit, realizing that everything i wanted was right here all along.

"your date's on the dance floor telling people how horny she is"

saturday.

so i get to the church early, fearing that i would have a hard time finding it. of course the tiny little lot is full. there's a garage half a block up from the church, but i was on a one way street. what to do, what to do. after i survey the scene and see that no one is really around i decide to drive a few feet up the sidewalk to the entrance. i told myself it was better than a) driving the wrong way or b) driving in reverse. not a problem, i mean it was right there. it takes me like three seconds. what does that sign say? exit only? son of a. well i'm already on the sidewalk, i might as well keep going. i mean i did buy the suv for some off-roading. i might as well test it out, again. so i'm driving up the sidewalk laughing my ass off and i pull in and park. there are three cars in the lot. something tells me i shouldn't be parking here but i didn't want to be late. i see jules' mom pulling in a decide, if she can park there, so can i. so i head for the church and i meet up with her mom. she hugs me and tells me she can't believe how skinny i am. i pass ms. k and her boy on the way and show them where i parked. then i explain how i made it back that way. she tells me to wait for her. gina shows up and says hello. then she and jules' mom head into the church. ms. k finally shows up and we walk in together. eric pops up and heads in with us. we hesitate as the usher walks ms. k and her boy down the aisle. "do we go with them?" eric questions. i say yes and we follow. we sit and sarah jumps out of her pew and sits next to me. we catch up and make jokes up and down the pew, typical us. just as the ceremony begins i have another cough attack. "of course it's too late to escape now" i whisper to sarah. she saves me with a cough drop. we look back and see mel and aaron walk in. late, typical. B shows up and we fill out our row nicely. after the hundred people walk down the aisle the ceremony takes place. it was nice. she looked like a princess. so pretty. we meet up outside and they do sparklers instead of birdseed or bubbles. this tiny little boy is right next to me and i'm freaking that my sparkler is entirely too close to his wee little head. so i keep holding it to my right. and i keep burning sarah. "ow, ow, ow." she said every time i moved it away from the boy. "is this damn thing ever gonna go out?" i asked.

we had four hours to kill before the reception. paulie and B wanted to see a movie. mel wanted food. so we decided to do both. mel, aaron and i were gonna pass on the movie but we said we'd eat with them first. i get to the restaurant and look around for a bunch of dressed up people. i see mel, she waves. the hostess tells me how much she likes my tie. i smile and say thanks. so we sit for a few minutes and think we've been passed up for the movie. the others finally arrive and we eat. i fill everyone in on G and answer questions about my "vacation". will it ever die? B tells us about his newfound hatred for D. he's very bitter. it's too late for a movie so we all go our separate ways and kill time before the reception. i picked up nikki and we left for the hall.

we find our seats, all together of course. i say i think there's a reason why we're a) tucked safely away in a corner and b) so close to the bar. i'm just saying. jules did the planning, i know it wasn't an accident. ms. k and her boy have two drinks down before i can even say hi to everyone. i find jules and mindo and tell them how nice they look in their bridesmaid dresses. nikki wants a drink so we hit the bar. after two, i feel a little fuzzy. we grab some food. i hand nikki a plate and she begins to molest it. she says that her boobs are cold and her nipples are hard and she's using the plate to warm up. yeah i found me a real classy date.

me: the roast beef is over there if you want some.
nikki: no i don't want any.
(as we sit down)
nikki: they had roast beef? i didn't see any!
me: what the?

she spills food on her new dress. better than spilling it on me like she usually does i guess.

it's still light outside. and B and nikki are both trashed. ms. k and i have a good buzz and her boy is toasted as well. we see this bridesmaid that looks a lot like jules so we call her jules number two.

ms. k: i need to find a new drink, this one isn't doing anything.
me: what's jules number two doing now?
ms. k: i think she's taking our picture.
me: should we smile?
ms. k: who is she?
me: no clue. but she seems to know us. i think she might be retarded.
ms. k: i think she knows we're talking to her.
me: huh? about?
ms. k: what? what did i say?
me: to her.
ms. k: oh.
me: yeah.
ms. k: maybe these drinks are working.

the two tables somehow move into one. several pictures are taken. our table fills with empty glasses. nikki spills one on her dress. on the table. on her new purse. on the table. on the table. yeah, she was her own party.

the dj: we have a lost cell phone here. anyone lose a phone?

we all have ours. nikki slaps her hip and says she has hers. "where? does she have it strapped to her leg?" ms. k asks. i have no clue.

the dj: is there a nicole here.

we all roll our eyes and look at the drunken mess that is my date. she swears she has her phone. the dj calls out her last name and says that he called her mother. at this point ms. k, B and i can't breathe we're laughing so hard. so nikki walks up and gets her phone. it just gets better from this point.

we lose B for about twenty minutes. we break off and look for him. ms. k finds him in the parking lot having a heart to heart with someone he played football with in high school. paulie's mom comes to our table and ms. k and i convince nikki that she's one of B's ex-girlfriends.

nikki: really?
us: yeah.
me: but it was a messy breakup and he doesn't like to talk about it.
nikki: wow. she looks a lot older than him.
ms. k: (to me) and suspiciously a lot like his best friend.

sarah gets trashed. we have to call her sister to come get her. she apologizes to us over and over and asks if we hate her now. too cute. i had a nice buzz so i switched to water. we danced a lot. took some more pictures. nikki kept falling asleep on me, literally, while we were sitting at the table. each time she woke up she went for another drink. she begs me to dance, since i spent most of the night dancing with my friends. she was in the bathroom, a lot. we dance. she almost takes out the bride twice. i head back to the table as she goes to the bathroom again. a few minutes later we look up to see nikki spinning around on the dance floor with her camera. one of my friends comes up to me and says, "um yeah, you're date, um she's on the dance floor telling people how horny she is." "i can't help her there." i say as i get up and walk to get her. we all stand around in the parking lot after the reception and try to figure out what we're doing next. we fight with B because he wants to drive. he can't even stand up at this point. ms. k and her boy are heading downtown. i want to go home. nikki pouts and says she wants to go dancing. i turn my back on nikki and hug mindo, saying goodbye and swapping numbers. as we look back nikki is kissing B. well.

me: are you ready? or did you want to kiss B some more?
nikki: what?
b: we weren't kissing. what makes you say that?
mindo: because you totally just were.

so we head to the bar and no one feels like dancing. ms. k and i sit and chill. B dances by himself. nikki drinks more. and mel and aaron decide they want to head home. i think that sounds like a good idea. nikki asks if i want to go, i say yes. B wants to have a heart to heart with me. i tell him it's not the right place and he's too drunk. he gets salty, and we head home. i had a blast. it was more fun than i thought it was going to be. we laughed a lot, mostly at my date, but what can you do?

rabid kids & new clothes

did some shopping with my sister last night for the big event tomorrow. have i mentioned that i love having her in town? new shoes, a shirt, some pants, a belt and a tie. i'm good to go. oh yeah, and at the last minute i remembered this wedding wasn't all about how i looked, so i picked up a gift as well.

me: what about this? (picking out a pink tie to go with my blue shirt)
sis: yeah. that'd be great.
me: cool.
sis: if you want to look like an easter egg.
me: d'oh!

so we ran upstairs to look for something for our mom and this creepy little kid came up to us. i dodged him as he walked directly towards my sister, arms stretched out. without saying a word he hugged her. grabbed her arm as she attempted to walk off. sucked on her arm. then smacked her on her butt. the look of pure horror on her face as i turned around was priceless.

sis: what the hell was that?
me: maybe he's their greeter?
sis: i think he was going to bite me.
me: i think you need a tetanus shot now.
sis: if i pass out and begin to foam at the mouth please explain why.
me: that was messed up.
sis: i wasn't sure what to do.
me: i would have swatted him on his nose, like a puppy, and said NO.
sis: right.
me: NO.

we quickly ran from every other kid that came across our path for the rest of the night fearing that the children in our town had turned. it was like a buffy episode or children of the corn or something. then we did some birthday shopping for her boyfriend.

me: what about this?
sis: that's too vintage looking.
me: that makes no sense.
sis: basically if it's in style that's all the incentive he needs to stay away from it.
me: what? he's a mess.
sis: hey. i'm working on him.

so we drove to one more place in search of a better pair of pants than the ones i just purchased.

me: ok. so we're going there to see if they have the pants that they didn't have at the other place. and i'm turning here.
sis: um?
me: sometimes i need to remind myself of what i'm doing.
sis: oh, 'cause i was like i'm good. i know what we're doing.
me: yeah.

after that we made a quick ice cream stop. headed home. watched some will & grace, and scrubs. not to mention my best friend's wedding. the wee ones are on their way over, well three of the five anyway. and i'm very very happy that the weekend is finally here. i can't wait to see everyone tomorrow. me, mindo, mel, paulie, B, ms. k and jules all dressed up and drunk in one room. sounds like trouble to me.