[yay. yay. yuck.]

the purchase of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind to replace my quickly wearing out copy from my pal the pirate.

coming home to find popular season 1 and felicity junior year as well as almost like being in love waiting on me. senior year in early 2005? rawk on.

super size me. yikes that was a disturbing and disgusting piece of work. great movie. makes me happy that i pretty much gave up fast food long before seeing it. but did he really have to deliver so much dialogue while chewing?

in other news...

laguna beach was supposed to be real? i mean come in. it was far too polished to be passed off as anything other than the teen soap that it really is. a swan's crossing for a new generation. what was up with all the close-ups on the long gazes they were giving one another? and soap vet wendy riche has a hand in the show. i mean i guess it fooled some people.

and i forgot how much i loved to hate nicole julian, and loved to love mary cherry. and harrison, love of my life, john. *sigh* my time on the treadmill never went as fast as it did tonight.

[gary sinise creeps me out]

saw the forgotten today. it was good, not amazing, but good. it had a slow build that i enjoyed, but the ending left me wanting just a wee bit more. it was just a little too vague for my liking. it was nice to see alfree woodard on the big screen again. i heart her so. i did however spend the entire walk to my car fearing that i would get sucked up into the sky. it's always nice to find a new irrational fear to add to the list. wonderful.

["you're not ever gonna know me"]

is it too much to ask that i want to find someone who not only gets, likes and appreciates the rules of attraction (movie and book) as much as i do but also has the desire to watch it back to back with american pie 2? the one and only time when dawson was considered hot. where dawson is hot. where jason mraz, yes the jason mraz, keeps making random bizarre cameos. where ian somerholder does gay and vulnerable so well that it can bring a tiny little tear to ones eye. where seeing ian makes me think of lost and all the open possibilities of the premiere, and how small his part was in it. where seeing kate bosworth makes me remember how much i always hated her, until i saw her in win a date with tad hamilton. where glory from buffy is slutty and not scary. where the snow scene at the stadium gets me every time. damn this pop culture tourettes syndrome.

[damn the genitals*]

went tv shopping with the mom today. i've come to the conclusion that tvs are heavy. yeah, in case you didn't know. glad i could be informative, that's what i'm hear for. saw the cutest boy ever working at best buy. he was a hunkier and bald version of ian somerhalder. kicked around the idea of going back and putting a cd down my pants hoping that he'd pat me down, but i thought i'd behave since my mother was with me. don't want to send her to an early grave or anything. he was hott. i'm going back.

ran into rachel. my beloved rachel from the days or yore. i wonder if she still pees her pants when she laughs too hard? she turned and looked at me and we just smiled. she is as cute as ever. i think she might have been stoned, typical. i haven't seen her in like four years. she told me to stop back and see her since she's always working. seeing her totally made my day. well that and the amazing pasta we had for lunch. yeah, i'm a simple boy.

and i was already walking around with a smile on my face thanks to a little conversation i had with the adorable dream date. we're totally gonna run off into the sunset together once she finds a peepee. and i'd even be willing to overlook the peepee deficiency because i heart her so, for making me laugh.

i saw lots of young hot guys today with bald/shaved heads. is bald the new black? i kept tripping because i couldn't take my eyes off them. but it's kind of hard to flirt with cute boys with your mother in tow.

and i'm in desperate need of a new mix to listen to, so i'm off. yes, sadly that will be the highlight of my evening.

*a quote from the world famous pirate loving ninja herself.

[apartment C]

there was me. there was you. there was us. pressing the buzzer, an unlocked door, three flights up to apartment C. an opened door, a shirtless boy. no matter how early, late, or on time i was you always seemed to be surprised that i was there. time always managed to get away from you. "i'll see you in an hour" usually translated into sometime the following week with you. a beer on the couch while channel surfing. that couch became a second home of sorts to me. catching up, finishing a beer or two, and then back down the three flights to the sidewalk below. it was usually dark. it was almost always cold. i remember that one time you let me drive your car across the street in the rain. i swore i was better at driving stick prior to that night. but stalling twice wasn't so bad i guess. usually we'd walk to our favorite bar. the cute girl with the long curly dark hair and lisa loeb glasses would greet us with a smile. she'd be at our table with our beers of choice before we would. the dark bar, the slight noise of the crowd. one of my favorite juke boxes ever. and we'd sit. and we'd talk for hours. beer after beer. laugh after laugh. we'd venture to the other two bars in our rotation as well, but they didn't really compare. but it was tradition, and it was something that we did to pass the night away. i think you once had a theory that walking from bar to bar would help sober us up a bit. 3am would creep up on us out of nowhere and we'd stumble back across the street to the third floor, apartment C. laughing the entire way up the stairs. i took that wreath off your neighbor's door that one night. it was ugly, i was doing them a favor. i remember the night you left your keys sitting on the other side of the locked door as we stood outside trying to figure out what to do. we'd finish the evening off on your couch, playing playstation. two drunk fools stumbling our way through. then you'd make your way to bed and i'd make my way to moonlighting on bravo. i'd wake up the next morning to the cool fall breeze blowing in through the cracked window. there hasn't been a place on earth since, mine or yours, that seemed as right as that apartment did. waking up in the morning, looking around, always feeling like i was right where i belonged. i don't know if it was because i spent so much of my time with you. maybe it was because it all happened during the fall, major life moments always seem to happen for me in the fall. maybe it was that apartment. i'm not sure. what i do know is that nothing made me happier than showing up at your door, thursday nights, three flights up, at apartment C.

[pieces]

we went to visit my aunt today. it was our first trip to see her since my uncle passed away, over a month ago. she's been bouncing around from kid to kid since shortly after the funeral. and the tired look on her face was proof of that. as with my mom, her good friend, and my other aunt before her, the hollow shell that remains isn't really the aunt i've known all my life. loving someone and having them in your life for over sixty years makes their absence in your life seem unrealistic. you find yourself on the other side of being a two, back to being a one. but you're no longer the one you were going into it. that person no longer exists. and even if you wanted them to, you probably couldn't remember how to even find them. so much of you has changed over the years that you spent building a life together. when half of yourself is taken from you, you're left standing on shaky ground. not really having much faith in your legs and feet below you to keep holding you up. parts of her still remain, but not enough pieces exist to keep you from seeing that she's much sadder now. and when you hear her say, "i stay pretty busy during the day running different places, but the nights seem so much longer now," it's enough to break your heart. especially when you see the tears form in your mom's eyes, knowing that she can agree with that all too well.

[i'm rick james bitch!]

picked up nikki and hit the theater. cellular it was. saw the preview for nikki k's new flick, birth. twisted but very interesting looking. once chris evans hit the screen shirtless, all i could focus on was him. and his abs. wait, is there dialogue going on? and with that my summer "must see" list was complete: before sunset, the village, garden state and cellular. the movie rocked. my only complaint was that chris found his shirt far too early in the movie. when he landed in the water i was falsely led to believe that there soon would be some more shirtless, wet, action. sadly there was not.

after the flick we went on the search for some food. with both skipped lunch and were pretty much dying by 11pm. the two places we hit up were only serving drinks, no food for us. so we opted for the ghetto IHOP. our waitress was deaf, had no idea what we were saying, and pretty much avoided us. yeah, good call. oh, and the rain. it was like monsooning here and every place we ran into and out of found us all the more soaked.

after "dinner" we headed for the bar. as we turned the corner we heard a rattling sound coming from the back of my car. it came and went as we drove and stopped. very odd. neither one of us had a clue what was going on. as we headed up the hill we heard this loud creaking sound. and with that i knew what was going on. my spare tire hinge thing was slowly swinging out. i pulled into the first place i could find and slammed it shut as we both laughed at the event that only could and only does happen to us. of course the rain that had stopped, started up again as we walked into the bar. kind of a sketchy crowd, but the beer was cheap. and i wasn't even about to ask whey there was a huge german shepherd sitting in the middle of the room. the music sucked. i asked the bartender if the juke box worked. she said as soon as we put money in the song would start. that's all we needed to hear. i hit the restroom and looked at the wall as i was peeing. i found it hard not to laugh as my favorite new phrase, "i'm rick james bitch!" was staring back at me. too freaky. nikki went to the restroom and came back with a present for me. a flavored condom. she told me to put it to good use. and that when i was using it to call her and let her know. i informed her that would be too creepy for either one of us to handle. she agreed as she washed down her birth control pill with her beer. yeah, that pretty much summed up the oddity that was our evening. good times. i love that girl.

[9.17.04]

the cutest little kid was in line behind me tonight while i was buying some groceries. his dad left his wallet in the car and ran out to get it. he just left the kid alone with the cart. there's some good parenting for you. guess i looked like a baby-sitter.

kiddo: we got a lotta stuff.
me: yeah you did.
kiddo: [giggling]
me: there's not much room left in the cart for you.
kiddo: i was buried under it before.
me: [laughing]

i stuck around until his dad came back. that was weird. does he usually just trust strangers to watch his kid?

plans with nikki tonight, and possibly a run in with rick. *fingers crossed* not sure if we should start the evening out with cellular, my vote the other day, or my third viewing of garden state since this is the last night it's playing. as ms. k would say, i'm tron. as the boy would say damn my o.c.d. when it comes to movies. after the flick we're doing dinner and drinks. lots and lots of drinks. rawk. drunk dials/emails all around...

[smelly cat]

me: it's so loud i can't hear a word you're saying.
D: and i can smell someone's pussy!
me: [choking]

D: um, i believe...
me: the children are our future?
D: no.
me: teach them well, and let them lead the way?
D: shut up.
me: show them all the beauty they possess inside?
D: stop!
me: give them a sense of pride?
D: no.
me: oh, then what?
D: i forget now.

D: did you smell that?
me: yeah.
D: i wanted to die.
me: i thought it was you.
D: oh thanks.
me: so i walked away.
D: nice.
me: but when i got by him i realized it was his fart.
D: not mine.
me: i thought i was gonna vomit.
D: i can't believe you thought it was me!
me: well it's not like you haven't farted around me before.

[keep on truckin']

the only thing more annoying than the registers that automatically write out your checks for you are the people who use them. i mean come on people. you have to sign them. pen is already in hand, why not just make the slightest bit more of an effort and fill the rest of the stupid thing out. it takes longer for the printer to fill it out than it would for you to. and you are holding up the line. the line that i don't really want to be in in the first place.

in completely unrelated news i may have become a stalker today. become, well reaffirmed my status. this guy drove by me in a red truck, so so cute, arms as big as my neck. i was all like, hello. eyes bugged out of my head, but i drove on, a few intersections later he passes in front of me. hello again. so i pulled out and was three cars behind him. "oh, maybe he'll stop for gas", i thought. "please get gas, please get gas." sure enough he stopped for gas. "hey, look at that, i need gas." so i pulled in next to him. h-h-hott. tight blue t, nice shorts, tennis shoes no socks, nice legs. i was dying. we finished about the same time so i may or may not have driven out of my way for a few streets hoping to see where his next stop was. once i saw that he was going further out of my way i turned and headed home. i love you red truck guy.

and i think i've fallen in love. his name is corduroy blazer from urban outfitters, and he will be mine. oh yes, he will be mine.

[good times]

after the birthday party craziness, well mild craziness on my part, i ended up getting ten hours of sleep. just what i needed. then i spent the entire day cleaning, moving furniture and helping my mom with some computer stuff for work. all the clean sweep i've been watching while on the treadmill has inspired me to do some serious purging. junk, clothes, old movies, useless friends... (kidding, kind of) are all on the way out.

took a little break around 9pm to check out the heavily hyped show jack & bobby. wow. wow. wow. i loved that show from start to finish. that was what a premiere should be, unlike the seriously lacking joey one. i thought the interviews with the people in their lives in the future was an interesting approach. at one point i had chills, and another moment found me with a tear in the corner of my eye. yeah, i'm a sap what can i say. and tonight is the premiere of everwood. sweet.

my two favorite kids in the whole wide world just got cell phones. insane, yes. but i have a feeling i'm gonna have lots of fun texting them from now until thanksgiving when i finally get to see them again.

[the birthday party]

showed up a little late. i wasn't sure what time everyone would eventually make it, and didn't want to be hanging out at the bar alone. got there when ms. k and her dude arrived. so we walked in together and looked around. they decided they had to pee, since they had already had a few beers by this point. so i was left standing alone holding all the gifts. dork party of one. surprising how many girls approach you when you're standing at a bar, arms filled with gifts. i thought i was going to die when this girl came up behind me, put her arm on my back, and whispered, "hi sexy", in my ear. my first thought was to drop the gifts and run. turns out it was ms. b's adorable friend gina, thank gawd. up walks ms. b, hugging me. when i realized that i was the only thing holding her up i knew what kind of night was in store for me. she made sure everyone knew we matched, both in black and white. we walked down to the lower deck which we pretty much had to ourselves. there was a sketchy old, and i mean like in his 80s old, man sitting at the bar grabbing some serious ass. wtf? ms. b was in rare form. we're talking forgetting that she was opening her gifts and walking off to find her beer rare form. too funny. too cute. the eye patch was a big hit. she stumbled around the bar wearing it as we all fell over laughing. a lack of depth perception doesn't mix too well with being seriously drunk. then she told her husband he could use it as underwear. then she tied it around her waist and announced that it was her chastity belt, i think everyone was unanimous in yelling, "too late". then she wore it around as a little hat. i did a birthday shot with the birthday girl. she did her best to get me on the dance floor, but i knew it would end with me carrying her off of it, so i passed. had three more beers, and sat and talked. someone how i ended up in the ultra butch male group and not the in the girl group (where i usually am) that formed at the opposite end of the bar. had minor flashbacks to junior high dances. we called it a night close to 1am. headed home, stopped at the bell for a little chili cheese goodness. taco bell never tasted so good, and i wasn't even drunk this time. watched BB5, channel surfed and made quite possibly the greatest discovery i've made in, oh who are we kidding let's just say for this week..

the postal service - against all odds (take a look at me now)

hotness. i found my new anthem, for this week anyway.

[pirates, the dreamers, and me]

thursday night, went for a few drinks. came home and watched joey, yawn. taped BB5 so i was late in my text session with ms. b. watched the dreamers. again, yawn. the only good thing about finally tracking it down and renting it was the garden state trailer at the end. wow, and i've seen a lot of bad movies in my day. overslept on friday, missed out on cellular. damn the man. maybe next week. hit the mall in search of something for ms. b's birthday bash. tried my best to hunt down a pirate patch, came up empty handed. i did track down snow patrol, for me, for only $8.99. came home, watched some tv. texted with the boy for an hour or so. watched what not to wear, and called it a night. and tonight is the big bash. and i was able to commission someone to make not just one eye patch, but two. now we'll match. arrrrg matey. how hott will we look? maybe they'll have drink specials for pirates on shore leave. or maybe they'll see us in our pirate patches and throw us out. it could go either way really.

[pirates are hott]

ms. b: MJ from the real world is ugly.
me: he has a very old looking face.
ms. b: no, you mean retarded looking.
me: oh yes, that's what i meant. i said old by mistake.
ms. b: are you coming to my birthday party saturday?
me: maybe.
ms. b: what do you mean maybe?
me: of course i'll be there.
ms. b: that's what i want to hear.
ms. b: i'll let you know when mr. b comes to bed.
me: don't get beat.
ms. b: i'll try to avoid the black eye.
me: oh, i'll buy you a pirate patch just in case, so you'll still look pretty on saturday.
ms. b: cool, it will match my outfit, black and white with a flower.
me: hey, i'm wearing black and white too. we'll rawk.
ms. b: sweet, mr. b can be my husband, but you can be my date. he won't hit you, don't worry.
me: sweet. we'll be hott. everyone will be jealous of us.
ms. b: always.

[dy'wanna know something]

it's nice to see that not every SNL has been ends up an unknown. i'm glad that Drunk Girl won't fade away now that she's joined the cast of Real World Philadelphia.

wait what? that's not her? oh, his name is Landon. oh, my mistake.

but he's gay right? i mean come on. he even played the "pronoun game" when it came to discussing his seven year relationship, and finding "someone" else like "them". and he commented on having the same shorts, and hair, as MJ.

wait what? he's not the other gay one? he's straight? oh, my mistake.

[falling]

good idea:

ripping the killers to the nomad, it made the 45 minutes on the treadmill more enjoyable.

bad idea:

following up a second viewing of garden state with my fourth viewing of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. that one stupid scene gets me every time.

i thought my friends were joking when the said they were working on signs to take to the rally to show their support for bush. for the first time in their lives they're being political. why did they have to pick supporting bush as the way to begin? nice.

i've been watching clean sweep a lot while running on the treadmill, hoping it would inspire me to toss a lot of the stuff i don't really need. i'm all motivated five minutes after the show ends, but i'm not so good with the follow through.

cold air, pea coat pulled up around my neck, scarf blowing in the wind. i'm ready for fall. the smell that's in the air the first morning you wake up to colder weather. warm cider, sitting in front of a fire, a hay-ride, the smell of apples, carved pumpkins with candles flickering in them.

[happy]

a blizzard for breakfast/lunch.

seeing garden state for the second time.

framing and hanging my newly acquired eternal sunshine of the spotless mind poster.

kd lang singing "a case of you" on repeat.

a low-key weekend of chilling and spending time with friends.

discovering that the scratch on my car was really dirt.

a so-so dinner and awesome margaritas with people who make me laugh. a lot.

[the ballad of us]

a circle that completes itself. i knew you first. you now know me first. i guess people really are in your life for a reason. i guess people find their way back to you for that same reason. when you were gone i was lost, sad and confused. how could this huge force of life be there one day, and simply disappear the next? ten years later i've discovered that's not really anything so amazing. sadly, it happens all the time. people you love. people you need. people you once thought you knew so well, easily walk out on you one day and you have little say in the matter. in your case, you were pushed. strength, tenacity, will, brought you back. kept you around. ten, twenty years ago i knew what we had was special. yet, for whatever reason, that didn't keep me from taking it for granted. your departure was as simple as that, a word, and nothing more. but i still felt you long after you were gone. always floating around the edges of me, of all of us. that phone call on new years eve in '94. you on the other end. me wanting nothing more than for you to ask for me. me pretending that i could care less. cut to all of those years later. me sitting in the parking lot for a good hour, scared to death to go inside. on the phone with the boy, my very own cheering section. always. bullies and exes were nothing, you were what i feared the most.

"come on, just go in. ms. k and the others are in there waiting on you. you didn't drive all that way to sit in the parking lot and talk to me all night. you could have done that from home."

he was right, as much as i teased him about it, he usually was. i took a deep breath. killed the travis. felt like vomiting. and walked inside. and there you were, the last person i wanted to see. the only face i could make out in the crowd. a hug. an offered beer. and that was that. an apology and a clean slate all in a matter of seconds. and we spent the remainder of the night side by side. and pretty much the year that has followed that night. why you welcomed me, us, back without so much as a question is beyond me. time, age, maturity. but you did, and i'm forever thankful and happy. we are what we are. forever changing, forever flawed. but the ability to look past that, or see through that, is something only a true friend can do.

[potpourri for 100 alex]

i have a zit the size of a small child on the side of my head. it hurts like you would not believe when i move my face.

tomorrow night is margaritas with the work girls. when we go out i feel like a pimp with all my hos. much like a business dinner or employee appreciation night. well, that's how i see it. to everyone else it may appear that i am a fag with an overabundance of hags.

taunted ms. b last night with the inside info i had on BB5. we texted back and forth and she called me during the commercials. thought about getting "death to the twins" printed on a T shirt for her birthday event, but i think i'll wear my fcuk shirt instead. since it was such a big hit the other night.

my sister texted me with: "friends til the end is on oxygen tonight at 8!" that made me laugh i told her she could DVR it and have it for all of time. something tells me she won't.

- - - - -

ms. k: (answering her phone) hey, what's up? ms. b wants to know if you're coming to her birthday party.
me: um, i have plans that night.
ms. k: he said he has plans. she said if you're not there you're in trouble.
me: i'll be there.
ms. k: he'll be there. what? how did that happen?
me: huh?
ms. k: she's now a nielsen family member.
me: ah! no fair.
ms. k: are you sure it was legit? did they ask you when your home was unoccupied?
me: oh, tell her to watch alias.
ms. k: she doesn't watch alias.
me: no one does, that's why she needs to help save it.
ms. k: she said she'd watch it once if you come to her party.
me: deal.
ms. k: she's not supposed to tell anyone about it so no one tries to influence her.
me: much like i just did.
ms. k: much like you just did.