["happy halloween mother fuckers"]

after a quick trip to the grocery store and then back again for some tape ms. B and i started decorating. for some reason i was elected to be in charge of the music. apparently my constant need to be in control of my musical environment is no longer a secret. hmm, maybe it never was. so the two of us started drinking while listening to some maroon5 and x-tina. the place looked really good when we finished an hour later. by the time i had my third beer i was feeling a little buzzed. i found myself standing alone in front of the stereo dancing to the music while ms. B was in the shower. called G to see when she was getting there, then put half of my costume on. i was fighting giving up my flip flops. it was like 75 degrees on october 30th. so i stood on the porch in my army jacket and hat, jeans, and flip flops talking to her. i realized i was still kind of dancing and that the neighbors probably could see me, but for some reason i didn’t really care.

two hours later the house was filled with about 25 people. i found myself flirting with a chicken. considered saying aloud the thought that was in my head, “well i’ve always wanted to have sex with a chicken“, but considered it in my best interest to keep my mouth shut. spent a good amount of time alone in the kitchen with G while the others hung out in the front room and on the porch. got freaked out every time ms. K looked at me with her creepy ghost makeup on. ate my body weight in raw broccoli. yum. and drank about 85 beers. kept losing my camera, that was always found in my coat pocket. that i was wearing. watched as ms. K’s boyfriend began to ride ms. B’s bike throughout the kitchen, dining room and front room. then someone asked him if he wanted to go outside, he smiled and nodded as she opened the door for him, and off he went. out the door, down the steps, and up the street with ms. K chasing after him and ms. B following behind yelling, “happy halloween mother fuckers” to the neighborhood.

as most of the guests were heading for home i decided i was ready for bed so i laid down on the kitchen floor as i was talking to G. i wanted my sleeping bag but it was in the guest room, where ms. K and her boyfriend disappeared to. i said i didn’t want to get my stuff because i didn’t want to walk in on them having sex. ms. B said she didn’t care, and headed upstairs to get my things. she came back to inform us that ms. K was laying upside down in the bed, and her boyfriend was passed out on the floor. we laughed, said goodbye to G, and called it a night.

i woke up this morning on ms. B’s couch having absolutely no idea what time it was. somehow we gained an hour last night, but ended up losing out on five other ones. this morning my watch said one time, my cell phone another, and the cable box something else. i gave up on figuring it out and went back to sleep. an hour or so later the others finally made their way downstairs and i decided to get up. ms. K informed us that she somehow hit her head in the night and felt like she had a concussion.

ms. B: he must have knocked you out so he could have some ghost butt sex with you.
me: maybe he fell to the floor after the dismount?
ms. B: the judges gave it an 8.5

i’d say our little party that we cooked up a few months back ended up being a success. we cleaned up and took all the decorations down. then i headed home, still having no idea what time it really was.

[follow through]

one year later.

it seems that i have this habit of measuring my life in one year increments. i guess it’s easier that way to see how far i’ve come. easier to see what i did wrong, what i did right. easier to see the changes made, and the changes i still find myself so afraid to make. i was there on that couch. it was warmer than it should be for the end of october. i could feel the first few sips of my rum and coke begin to tickle the back of my brain. ice making sound against the sides of my glass. the noise from the kitchen made me happy, knowing i was loved, knowing i was there. the noise from the kitchen made me sad, knowing that i was there alone. always alone. one year later, still alone. at times i tell myself it’s by choice, other times i start to think it’s a foolish choice. one i tend to regret making more than i’d like to admit. it was cloudy out, so it seemed later than it actually was. the stereo was on, loud, almost drowning out the laughter from the kitchen. i stared at my glass, i stared at the floor, i stared at my shoes. i’ll forever be the boy tucked safely in the corner looking down at my feet. as Gavin DeGraw began to sing, “Follow Through” i naturally thought of you and the cd you made for me a few months before that moment. i sat there for several seconds, taking it all in. the song, you, us, the moment i found myself in. and just like that i was up on my feet, phone in hand, heading out the door. i found my fingers pressing your name. and we talked. and you laughed at me, ever the sentimental one. and we talked forever about everything and nothing, mostly nothing. and i wanted you there, and you wanted to be there. but we never get our way, when it comes to us. so we settled for what we could, and we talked. one of the few perfect moments i have stored in the back of my mind. of course it took place in the fall, the perfect moments always do. leaves all over the place, a fire burning, pumpkins, a sweater, me and you. i can’t hear that song without thinking of you. you and all of the what ifs and why nots that always comes with you. and today, i find myself unable to shake that song from playing inside my head. me here, you there, all the same questions, all the same doubts, all the same feelings, one year later.

[six degrees]

ms. b: what time are you coming over?
me: what time do you want me to come over?
ms. b: what time do you want to come over?
me: whenever you want me to.
ms. b: whenever you want to.
me: how does 4 sound?
ms. b: how bout earlier?

G has her costume, we're gonna rawk the party. ms. k's costume is "being finished up", whatever that means. i can't wait to see this one. and ms. b wants the two of us to start drinking at 3 when we start decorating. i wonder if we'll realize that there's a party going on around us by the time everyone arrives at 9? perhaps she'll take her top off and pose behind me as she did at her birthday event. the girl is insane.

the dentist in the a.m. it's hard to believe that six months have passed. six months since my last dentist appointment. six months since my last all nighter at work. six months of all the fun stuff in between. people suck. people let you down. bad things happen, all the time. but you deal with it. you move on. if you don't, then i guess you just get left behind. and not in that lame kirk cameron kind of left behind. the real, the sad, the scary, left behind sort of way. i don't want that. six months ago, i thought i'd be moving away six months later. instead, i'm just moving in a different direction of sorts. things work out the way they're supposed to, no matter how you work them out in your mind.

the noise from a bowling alley as you plan your escape, drunken feet stumbling down a flight of stairs, cigarette smoke being exhaled, the sound of ice as it hits the glass, and far too many sad songs, all become tiny pieces of your past. a distant echo that's getting harder to believe in as a reality. that's getting harder to remember. and easier to forget.

[morning fog]

getting in at 6am, from work, has a way of affecting your whole day. throwing off your sleep schedule, making you forget what day it even is. but the messed up hours, plus last week's raise, should make for a sweet paycheck. at least that's what i'm telling myself in an effort to keep the thought of an 18 hour work day from making me too sad.

i don't think it's so much a matter of only having room for so many people in your life at one time. i think it's more the pushing, the pulling, the wearing down, the attempts at eroding, that explains the change. someone once pointed out to me that sometimes, no matter how hard it is to see or accept, some people just aren't meant to be friends. a simple thought. a harsher reality. but maybe it just comes down to that.

when i see myself as getting by, and you see me as something that just isn't working. something that you forever feel the need to change, correct, fix, belittle. sometimes it's just hard. hard when there's no reason for it to be. always the effort vs. the choice. always one person getting hurt.

no matter how many times you enter and exit my life i'm always left feeling like it should be different. good, bad, i'm never sure. but different.

[more to follow]

saw the grudge, creepy.

i now have a cable connection. bye bye aol. listening to a radio station while searching for stuff online AND downloading all at the same time? surely you jest.

after close to a year of searching i finally tracked down my peter stuart song. tear in my eye, thumb on my nomad, i couldn't be happier.

nia long is in alfie? as if i need another reason to see that movie.

free beer, a good friend and cute guys. all while watching ashlee simpson have a mini meltdown right before our eyes. is it wrong that we were laughing?

and now i face a 16 hour work day. let the countdown to saturday, and our party, begin...

[i love working with insane people]

her: i like these shoes. (looking at my urban outfitters catalog)
me: nice. (not looking up)
her: that's why i think i might be a lesbian.
me: come again? (now looking up)
her: well ellen was saying that she buys shoes all the time and only wears them once, i do that.
me: so.
her: and that even if the shoes aren't the right size, if she likes them, she'll buy them.
me: yeah.
her: well i do that too, that's why i thought i might be a lesbian.
me: well that is the number one thing on the list that tells you you might be a lesbian.
her: really?!!?
me: um, no.
her: oh.
me: do you have sex with other women?
her: no.
me: do you want to?
her: no.
me: then i think it's more about the shoes.

[the 411]

found my love waiting for me on my doorstep yesterday, sadly he was too big for me and i had to send him back. hopefully his replacement will be here soon. i need my hott blazer, and i need it now. um, something tells me i've been single for far too long.

jack & bobby moves to wednesdays in november. sweet! now i don't have to choose between that and alias when my jenny g. comes back in january. wednesday will be tv perfection with LOST and J&B. oooh, maybe JJA will have some pull now that he has a hit on his hands with LOST. or maybe that's just me hoping for a fifth season of alias.

i love getting text messages when you have no idea who they're from. what? who is calling me buttercup?

i hate going in a store and not being able to find anything. i feel obligated to buy something, ever fearing that i'm being watched and that they think i'm a shoplifter. so i buy junk i don't even need all the time.

i was bouncing off the walls at the excitement over some new jimmy eat world to listen to, well that and the cute boy who was talking to me about JEW when he saw me reach for it. was he flirting? or did he just think i was a shoplifter? anyway, i was all excited about that cd until i came home...

day two of packages waiting on me. my cds from JEN are here, i repeat my cds from JEN are here. rawk on. i love the minivan, too cute.

got a cryptic note from my aunt today telling me that she's been going through some stuff and hopefully one day she'll be able to explain. i have no idea how to process this information.

made plans with nikki for saturday. i'm dying, dying i say, to see the grudge. she said she desperately needs to get drunk. so we'll see where we end up that night.

tried to track down a costume for G for the party. i'm going as a hottie ::cough:: shut up, GI from WWII. we thought it'd be sweet for her to dress up like a USO girl or something. we're aiming for cutest couple. how cute would she be all dressed up like ginger from homefront?

and now. now i feel that felicity is calling my name. the last episode thank you very much.

[you know that you just don't know]

i'd be lying if i said i didn't think about you too. i know what you mean when you say you see me everywhere you look. you hear me in every song that begins to play. the what ifs, and why nots, forever linger on in my mind, and in my heart. that was never the issue or the problem. you ask me why? why still? why now? and i guess why is what i've come to fear the most. why is what keeps me running. second-guessing. doubting. searching. maybe i'm searching for something that never even existed. maybe i'm searching for something i've had all along. something i've always been too blind to see. but the simple truth is that the doubts and the fears and the questions still do remain. and that fact alone is enough to keep me from letting you in. your words. your tears. when you say i love you, i love you. it scares me. it really does. i can't tell you why there's still a why. you can ask me a hundred times and i doubt i'll ever know.

or maybe it's just this time of year, like you said. the fall has always had a way of making me miss something that i've never really had to begin with. it makes me fall in love with a feeling, or a memory, rather than actually in love itself.

to be honest, maybe love exists. maybe love remains. maybe love was there all along. maybe that was never the question or the doubt. maybe it was just me, and who i am. maybe it breaks down to something as simple as a boy, standing here alone, afraid of loving.

[sunday morning song]

met jules at 10:30a.m. and headed off on or theme park adventure. i remember it being much bigger when we were smaller. i remember the rides being much easier on our bodies when we were younger. at least the rain stopped for one day. it was 40 degrees out and the sun was behind many many gray clouds, but no rain. i wore two t-shirts, a long sleeved t, a sweatshirt, and a fleece jacket and was still numb by the end of the day. the good thing about the arctic-like temperature was that it kept all the sane people away, so every ride we rode meant not standing in line. my favorite was the x-flight, superman, several name changes due to the fact that ownership of the park has changed hands like three times, ride. anyway, we started out on our backs going up a hill backwards, it flipped us over, and then we spent the rest of the time dangling from the track as if we were flying. i had to hit that one up a second time before we called it a day. the mean streak, villain, whatever, lived up to it's name. i suggested another name, fucked up, that was a more appropriate description. it lifted us out of our seats and slammed us back down at least eight times before it was through with us. i felt it in my back, in my arms that were gripped onto the seat in front of me, and in my clinched jaw. that ride sucked. we hit up the two haunted houses that were there as well. the big top of terror with scary clowns that shook cans of pennies at us??? i guess that was scary. the second one was a little more intense, phobia. it started out with us crawling in through a narrow tunnel with an extremely low ceiling. it was very dark, and impossible to see. i gave up and let jules lead me through it while holding her hand. i considered that to be my best bet since we bumped into two groups of people who seemed to be lost inside, i'm guessing for like hours. they seemed to be really upset when they asked us if we knew how to get out of there. we both grabbed a subway (rach!) sub for lunch. for some reason we paid three times what you'd pay for a foot long in any other subway for the six inches we got, but whatever. later jules got a free slice of pizza when the girl couldn't figure out how to ring it up. i ordered "loaded" fries in an attempt to help warm me up. cold fries topped with HOT cheese and some sort of meat looking product, that was also cold. mmm, yum. wtf? but we had a great time, laughed a lot, and rode all the rides we had on our list so that's all that matters.

my favorite conversation of the day:

jules: what's your pickle on a stick.
girl: it's a big pickle...on a stick.
jules: well that clears that up.

followed closely by:

us: (standing alone on the platform looking at the 4 workers with their backs to us).
girl: if you want to ride the ride, get on the ride.
me: yeah i feel secure in knowing that our lives are in the hands of kids half our age.
jules: it's been really great knowing you for the last 24 years.

[not again]

her: ok, i'm still not 100% sure on the whole genitalia thing.
me: you've got to be kidding me.
her: so it's all of it?
me: yes, ALL. everything down below.
her: all of a guy's stuff.
me: male AND female.
her: female?
me: ok, think of it this way, everything in your bathing suit area.
her: ok, gotcha.
me: (doubting)
her: ok, so when i call someone a scrotum head, what does that mean?
me: here. (again with the dictionary)
her: now i'm confused.
me: that would be the sack.
her: the testes?
me: no.
her: they're the same thing!
me: no. look at it as a bowling ball and a bowling bag, they're not the same thing are they?
her: no.
me: it's just like that.
her: oh. see i thought the scrotum was the tube like thing...
me: here. (yep, the dictionary)
her: i don't even know how to pronounce that.

-----

talked to ninjaJEN again tonight, is it possible that this mo is falling for someone with girls parts?

-----

and i got our Matt Nathanson tickets today!!!
rawk on. this boy is so so so in love.

-----

and LOST last night, wowsa. nope i never once doubted that JJ Abrams is GAWD. i've been a fan since Felicity episode one...it only gets better.

[and the card attached would read...]

i remember this time about eight or nine years ago when the best friend, flea boy and i made our little pilgrimage to florida to visit flea boy's uncle. he's called flea boy because he had the smallest car of the three of us, decided that he would drive, and took his flea-ridden dog along with us. and for whatever reason the dog took a particular interest in me and forced itself upon my lap on numerous occasions. trapped in a flea filled car for seventeen hours straight is, i'm guessing, one of the rings of dante's inferno. the part i remember the most however was the drive back home. it was 3 or 4 in the a.m. and i took over the drving at this point. i'm not sure what state we were in, or how long we had left on our seventeen hour trek back, but i was trying desperately to keep from falling asleep. of course my two wonderful friends were passed out and had been for a few hours. i rolled down the window hoping that the cold air would help shake me awake, as well as maybe one of them so they could talk to me and keep me company. the best friend could be in the vortex of a hurricane and would never have the slightest clue, she's that sound of a sleeper, so no dice there. so i decided that music would help. of course i could only get one station in that wasn't country, so i went with it. i turned it up pretty loud hoping that it would help in some way. of course the completely normal and acceptable song was just ending. of course the golden girls theme song, thank you for being a friend, came on. i had no idea that was even a real song at that point. and of course the other two woke up just in time to find it on the radio. i reached for the knob to change it and flea boy brushed my hand away, turning the volume up instead. and they laughed. and i laughed. and we sang the stupid song as loud as we could. i don't think they ever believed me when i swore that was the only station i could find.

[education]

me: i'm sure he has genitalia.
her: i'm sure he has two.
me: two?
her: is genitalia the thingy or the sack?
me: what? here. (handing her a dictionary)
her: oh, so it's the whole thing then?
me: yes.
her: then why does it say organs?
me: um, both male AND female.
her: oh.
me: (leaving room)
her: so it's the whole thing?
e: um, yeah.
her: i'm so confused.
me: do you need me to draw you a picture?
her: no.
me: i'm going to write a book about it.
her: oh yeah?
me: and i will call it, everybody has some.

- - - - -

likes:
theo's back for battle of the sexes 2. *sigh*
shane, big rand, steven and frank meet the required eye candy status.

dislikes:
cartoon network moved the family guy to 11:30 now?!?
evil veronica and just plain mean rachel are back for BOS2. *boo hiss*

[omc]

bradley cooper is on jack & bobby!

that is all, go about your business.

[road trip]

yet another weekend out of town for our fearless hero. this time however i did not forget my flip-flops, forcing me to purchase a new pair the moment i arrived at my destination. sometimes i swear i honestly would, "forget my head if it wasn't screwed on," as my fourth grade teacher used to say. i used to roll my eyes at my mom's little reminder lists she'd have laying all over the house. now i keep one on my desk, in my pocket, the desk at work...

anyway. i got a lot of much needed rest during my time away so that was nice. i have no idea why i sleep better when i'm on vacation than when i'm in my own bed, but that's how i am. felt like bette midler driving to barbie h. in beaches as i headed off down the road. it hit me this time, and i say this time because i flash to that scene a lot in my head while driving on long trips, while i was in pennsylvania. diana krall or joni mitchell was singing to me and i found myself drifting off. yes i do have moments of extreme gayness. as i passed the sign for kennywood park i wondered if kenny rogers had his very own version of dollywood, or is it just a coincidence? i suppose i could look into that but i'd rather believe that kenny has his very own theme park with lots of fried chicken and a ride just like disney's "it's a small world" that plays "islands in the stream" instead. as we drove through the tunnel in the mountain i immediately thought of the scene in what dreams may come when robin williams dies. and i thought it was best to focus on my driving so i wouldn't suffer the same outcome. once we hit the curves of west virginia i felt like i was in that saturday morning cartoon pole position that i used to love when i was a little kid. from time to time i even sing the theme song in my head. then i saw the pretty white country church in the middle of a farm. it always looks so peaceful way off in the distance at the bottom of the hill. we passed the stairs leading up the side of the expressway into the mountains that appeared to lead to another church. that always makes me laugh. passing random stairs on the side of the road as you're flying by at 80mph tends to do that i guess. while crossing the potomac i had the urge to be drifting on it in a makeshift raft just like huck finn, just to see where it would take me. of course i would need a book and my nomad to keep my company, but i still think it would be fun. unless i saw a snake, then it might suck. and i love you berkeley springs, west virginia. tiny little town with your one screen movie theater, that is what a movie theater looks like when you close your eyes and dream. we had a great trip. ate a lot of ice cream. bought some clothes i really can't afford. walked a lot. rode a ski lift up a mountain to see the leaves that were just starting to change their colors. this weekend made me remember why i love autumn so much. the colors, the slightly cooler air, the warm cider, the pumpkins. that first weekend when the air starts to get a little cooler always reminds me of saturday mornings when i'd sleep in and wake up to the sound of my parents laughing in the back yard and the smell of the smoke from the leaves they were buring coming in through my cracked window. i miss those saturday mornings.

[hey jude]

crazy


sexy


cool


from the look of things it's shaping up to be a long, hott fall.

[LOST]

i really liked last night's episode. i'm really digging kate. and the concept of how all their lives ended when they landed on the island and they all have fresh starts. a chance to become new versions of themselves. a theme JJ Abrams seems to embrace (now i have the felicity theme song v. 2.0 stuck in my head). anyway, just as the episode was coming to a close i thought to myself, if this was felicity or alias some sort of song would begin about now, i guess he's going to try and stay away from that with his new baby. and sure enough, insert song. that made me smile. ms. k asked me my take on former director from alias. miracle guy on LOST. i told her it would be interesting if he was already on the island, and their arrival there was the miracle to him. his scar does look rather old, and it's not like you would know every single face on the plane that you were on, i mean i usually only remember the hot guys between the ages of 20 and 30, everyone else i just block out. so it's entirely possible that he was already there and everyone else just assumed that he too was a survivor form their crash. just a thought i had while i was watching what little we know of him begin to unfold last night. i also liked the concept of the back-story for each character. that would be one way of focusing on different people each week, having enough tales to tell for an entire season (like the canterbury tales, sorry my heads all over the place tonight), and then what's 22 episodes for us could have only played out over a week or so for them. that would keep them on the island for a number of seasons without too many years passing by, turning it into a new gilligan's island. that was my take on it anyway. ms. k feels that maybe it's an island of Dr. Moreau situation and that maybe he's a lab rat from a twisted experiment, and he feels comforted in the fact they he now has others there with him. no matter what the truth is, it's enough to keep us talking about it and coming back every week. not to mention the fact that mel and i finally have another friend of ours hooked on a JJ Abrams show. my only complain is that ian somerhalder isn't getting enough air time. but maybe that's just the twelve-year-old little girl in me talking.

[duff stuff]

me: the new Hilary Duff movie is being called the most important movie of our generation.
ms. k: now we have to go see it!
me: i guess the oscar race is starting early this year.
ms. k: Hilary for best actress!
me: she's sure to nab best song as well.
ms. k: oh! a double threat!
me: isn't that the Duff sisters' nickname? or am i thinking of Lindsay Lohan's breasts?
ms. k: that could be a toss-up.

[currently loving]

wanda sykes.
maria bamford.
wings on tv land.
life-long friends who get you.
felicity the blackout episode, when she says, "i'm sad," to noel.
planning the halloween event 2004.
you saying, "i can never remember if it's matt nathanson, or nate mathenson."
autumn mix 2004.
revisiting popular.
the fact that every movie coming out this fall stars jude law.
the family guy every night at 11.
a roadtrip in four days.

[weekend update]

me: goobers "on the go", what does that mean?
ms. k: i just have regular gobstoppers here.
me: oh, they contain exlax, i get it.
ms. k: i'll let you know how the movie turns out after you run off.
me: run off? i'll go right here.
ms. k: i think they needed to make the hole on the box a little bigger then.

friday.
dinner and a flick with ms. k. we checked out shaun of the dead. good stuff. i never laughed so hard at the sight of people using a friend's legs as a weapon in my life. we had a lot of fun catching up and being our normal drunk acting while sober selves at dinner. i forget how much i miss being around her until we're sitting across from one another laughing for hours.

saturday.
beer. more felicity junior year episodes. snl (just to see who the new weekend update anchor was).

sunday.
desperate housewives was so-so. just as i was deciding that i probably wouldn't be sitting through another hour of it, they opened up the mystery in the last two minutes. so now i'm not sure. i know the sight of the one woman mowing her lawn in her evening gown in a desperate attempt to keep her 17 year-old gardener around was meant to me over the top and funny, but to me it just seemed a little forced. honestly it just made me miss alias that much more. january is a long way off.

[did i tell you you're wonderful]

wonderful.

that's a stupid sounding word. if you say it enough, it begins to sound made up. but it holds a lot of meaning. for me. right here, right now. the postal service blaring as my stupid little fingers pound away at the keys below them. you there. and you. and you. with me here. tiny words typed on a computer screen telling me you get this. you like that. am i doing anything besides watching movies lately? heh. yes. so yes. but i feel restricted, held back, let down. as if what i say, can and will be used against me in a court of something. i can't move, breathe, do, feel, act, say, type, without it affecting someone in some way. and i guess that's the way it's supposed to be. but i just feel if i make it like it was, allow it to be like it was, then someone will go away hurt. someone will walk away pouty. and i don't want that. and i don't need that. but sometimes, just sometimes the pressure is just too much. i don't call enough. i'm not there enough. i'm not here enough. i don't talk when a normal person would or should. i'm not quiet when it's the right time to be silent. i never get it just right. the art or act of perfection is lost on me. always has been, always will be. getting lost in my own thoughts, in several hours of felicity and popular seems completely normal to me. reaching out to you, interacting with them, seems like the unhealthy thing. self-imposed hermit status is the less crazy road to take. and when i do talk. people seemed shocked, touched, or blown away. i fucking hate feeling like silent bob from the kevin smith universe. damn the man. and then i think about you. and your lips. and why i ever thought that kissing them was the right thing to do. yeah, something like that...

and can i just say that "sway" by bic runga is still just the greatest song ever? peace out homies.