[my thanksgiving]

aka. why my pants no longer fit.

-waking up thanksgiving morning with four inches of snow on the ground, the smell of bacon coming from the kitchen, and the parade on tv.

-eating twenty pounds of awesome homemade rolls that only your mother could make.

-your aunt offering you chocolate covered peanuts to help wash down the homemade peanut butter fudge and molasses cookies she just gave you.

-finding yourself waking up in a corner after passing out in a minor sugar coma.

-sleeping by a warm crackling fire, curled up in the softest blankets, drifting off to the sound of your nomad.

-dying when your aunt reads the bumper sticker on the car ahead, “i like lipstick on my dipstick.”

-crying as your cousin, her daughter, says, “i’m just glad she didn’t read the one that said liquor in the front poker in the back.”

-finding yourself tipsy at two in the afternoon, with your cousin, telling your sixteen-year-old cousin that you’ve been waiting her whole life for her to be old enough to be everyone else’s DD.

-wonder if you’re creating your very own Springer moment by having this conversation with her.

-deciding that you’re not as she just rolls her eyes at everyone.

-having to put a tree together and then decorating it, while you are tipsy, while you are in disguise as a sober person.

-trying to help your little cousin find a vintage t-shirt shop online, and inadvertently leading her to a hardcore porn site.

-laughing as she says, “what kind of sites do you surf?”

-broccoli, lots of broccoli.

-being told that the wal-mart that you were sent to was the ghetto wal-mart.

-believing the warning when you walk to the door and find some girl crouched down on the curb vomiting her brains out.

-watching the terminal. wondering how tom hanks is still allowed to make movies. wondering why you put yourself through the torture of it.

-drunk dials from pirate ninjas, and her crew clamoring in the background, that make you smile.

-trying not to laugh as your cousin is being scolded for using her emergency only credit card for a shoe purchase, as you think, “that’s my girl.”

-eating ice cream in thirty-five degree weather as you shop at an outdoor mall.

-alternating hands between holding the ice cream cone, and keeping warm in a coat pocket.

-being away from life for four whole days, and realizing that you only have to put in fifteen more days at work before vacation.

-----

“they don’t celebrate thanksgiving in hong kong?”
“no. the pilgrims didn’t make it quite that far.”
“oh, right.”

[northern lad]

a bed that pulls out of a couch, hard steel bar and thin mattress below. the crinkle you hear sometimes that makes you think there’s a pee-guard mattress cover below. but that usually only comes to mind in the fog that sets in, as you roll onto your other side, right before falling asleep. a chiming clock she forgets to stop winding. a chiming clock that goes off every fifteen minutes. the crackle and the warmth from the fireplace beside the bed. the lack of privacy that comes with sleeping in the family room, feeling as if you were on display in a museum. the way everyone tries to be quiet, talking in the kitchen, as you pull the covers up over your head. a battle lost, as you give in and get up a few minutes later. the faint sound of the cars passing over the bumps in the concrete on the street in front of the house. the back room in the basement that seems to become a little less haunted with each passing year. the basement where you first learned to shoot pool. the basement where your cousin sang “you light up my life” for you, along with her record, when you were little. the computer you used to play jeopardy! on. a dish of candy in every room. meals that begin five minutes after the previous ones end. an ice maker that never has worked. the third ice maker that hasn’t worked. the drawer of pens. homemade molasses cookies with whipped cream. the high stool the spun around, that you weren’t ready to say goodbye to when you finally became tall enough to no longer need it. the phrase, ”the light and the fan run off of two different switches,” that you hear every single visit. the phrase that still makes you smile every time you hear it. a room filled with twenty people who love you and make you laugh. people who make you smile when you see them, and want to cry when you say goodbye, knowing that you only see them twice a year. it’s the little things like that, that make you thankful. a lifetime of memories that were created on one day out of the year.

[wow]

her: did you hear what she said the other day?
me: no.
her: you were in the room.
me: yeah, i don’t really listen to what any of them have to say.
her: oh.
me: you pay much more attention to them than i do.
her: well whatever.
me: and even when it seems like i’m listening to them, i’m really not.
her: ha ha.
me: especially if i nod and say wow a lot, that’s when you know i’ve checked out of the conversation.
her: well anyway, she was saying such stupid things, i thought you heard her...
me: (nodding) wow.

[ima]

"ima, gonna kick your ass." - sydney bristow

alias. new season. new night. the two hour season premiere, wednesday january 5th. seeing syd was so worth sitting through another boring and predictable installment of desperate housewives.


in other news-
two episodes of felicity (the thanksgiving ones of course)
christmas gifts wrapped
suitcase packed
copy of home for the holidays packed (in keeping with the yearly tradition)

is it wednesday yet?

[say, say, say]

me: liquor, cold pills and lysol. woo hoo, i know how to party.
her: is the liquor for you?
me: yeah, i need to use something to wash the cold pills down.
her: that's not a good idea.
me: i'm kidding, the alcohol is for the ride home.
her: what?!
me: it's for the party.
her: oh, okay. just don't mix the two. that's what i did the night i was holding the large black dildo as they were sliding me across the dance floor on my back.
me: oh, aka a typical tuesday?

[link it]

sweet

rawk on

when i attempt something like this,my night usually ends up taking a turn and i find myself in front of the tv crying over felicity.

wurd:
"undoing the damage of a lifetime of rollie-pollie takes time."

my eyes, my eyes!

[monday, monday]

in keeping with the whole, "complete and total lack of self-control when it comes to BOY with perfect teeth", i couldn't pass up the urge to invite him to come out with us thursday night for drinks. his face lit up until he found out we'd probably call it a night before he'd be able to meet up with us. she insisted that he had to go with us the next time and that we'd give him enough notice for a change. i would just like to get past all these, "are we flirting?" moments and hang out with this boy. in case you're wondering, yes i am flirting with you. and no you weren't mistaken the other day, i was indeed looking at your butt. my bad.

to her:
i'm sorry that i told creepy drunk guy that it was your birthday. and by sorry i mean, not at all sorry. the sight of your eyes bugging out of your head and you wiping away the slobber trail he left after unsuccessfully trying to tongue you was SO worth it. hey birthdays were made for inappropriate gestures of affection, right?

and why is my checkbook in a perpetual state of being off by $8.88?

i'm sick. blah.

the official countdown to next wednesday has now begun. roadtrip, the XM radio, the wee ones. my head is so already there.

[means to an end]

mistakes made. will it always be this way? if you said yes, i'd kill you. if you said no, i'd cry. i don't know what's best for me. how can i think in the we?

ever changing. ever moving. like salt water taffy collapsing on itself. that's how i feel on the inside. a rise, a fall. for every thing i'm sure of, there are at least twenty other things that leave me doubting.

shouldn't there be a point where you know what you want? where you just know. where you finally feel ready. where the pounding on the floor above you becomes nothing more than a faint sound from your past, and not a constant reminder of your present. i love and i'm thankful, but i'm always in a constant state of regret. for what? for too many things, a list that would never know a completion. an end, it's always about the end. and i guess things like that are why i never really even know where to begin.

[today]

i woke up today with the feeling that i was going to die. weird. it was as if it had already been decided and agreed upon and i really had little say in the matter. it was such a strong, believable, feeling that i began to worry a bit about the whole thing. i found myself looking at things around me, wondering if the truck in front of me carrying a heavy load was somehow going to play a part in my end. the thought that turning down a road that i don’t usually go down, rather than going the normal way, fed into my paranoia. as if fate would play a hand in my death. i’m not really sure where this feeling came from, or how it came to be, but it’s been impossible for me to shake it all day.

nikki and i saw Alfie last night. what a great movie. one of my new all time favorites. i’ve had a few of those this year, this along with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Garden State. Jude Law playing vulnerable. Nia Long with tears in her eyes. isolation, love, changes (both chosen and forced) all made for the perfect movie. and today was Nikki Kidman in Birth. it was heavy and sad, and not the movie i’d really pick for my last movie ever, should that be the case. but it was good, even if Anne Heche looked like an alien in it. maybe she was on to something when she was found wandering around the desert in her panties, talking about the aliens coming to get her. whatever happened, i’m pretty sure she somehow became one.

it’s really cold here today, my favorite wool sweater made it’s first appearance of the year. there’s just something so perfect about walking down the sidewalk, the first cold wind of the season cutting through you, leaves dancing across the street, and a warm sweater pulled down over your hands.

[i heart matt]

got home from work. flew around trying to get ready before the best friend showed up, she's ALWAYS late, no worries there. yep, she was ten minutes early. hit up taco bell for some "food". tater tots smothered in nacho cheese sauce, they created that? um, okay. i passed, but i did get some chili cheese burrito goodness.

anyway, so we headed north to see matt nathanson. i was talking nonstop, fighting for my turn as only we can do, when it happened. yep, got on the wrong highway. who better to have in the car with me than the ONE person in the world with a worse sense of direction than me. excellent. surprisingly enough we thought it through and figured out how to hop from highway to highway in only three minutes. we get lost all the time so i was preparing myself for at least an hour of confusion, so three minutes rawked. parked in our normal lot, that had only three other cars in it. wondered if my car would be safe in an unattended lot. i started to pull into #77 when i slid over to #75. she said that was were she was thinking we should park, being 1975 babies and all. we are total dorks, but like minded dorks so that makes it better i guess. we made our way halfway down the hill when we remembered we forgot to put our money in the slot to park, so we headed back. i fell off a curb as we froze in 40 degree weather. the cold wind coming off the lake really didn't help the dire need to pee that we both found ourselves in, so we walked mall-walker style in an effort to get there faster.

the lovely giant trough in the mens room was still there, but they finally sprung for some real paper towels. that was a nice change from the cloth that used to hang from the wall. we stood around waiting for things to start and we eyed a stack of posters sitting on a ledge. i talked ms. k into grabbing one for me. she asked the people taking some if they were free to take, they smiled and told her yes. as she came back and rolled mine up, i saw the girl in front of the poster stack turn around and almost bitch slap the two other people who were taking "her" posters. oops, luckily ms. k made it away without a scratch. sorry to the girl whose poster we took. on the drive there she told me this story about andy dick on loveline talking to some girl with a bleeding hoo-ha. she said that andy dick kept yelling this out in the background. so as we stood there ms. k said "oh," and looked down. i asked her what was wrong and if she was bleeding from her vagina. she said, "no, but it's vibrating," as she reached down in her purse for her phone.

charlotte martin opened. our second time of seeing her, hard to believe that we could be even less impressed the second time around but it happened. then virginia coalition came on. they blew me away. wow. they were funny, and funky, and amazing. i leaned to ms. k and asked her if i was the only one who thought the keyboard guy looked eerily a lot like B. she laughed and said that at least we know why he's been so hard to get in touch with lately. it was freaky, right down to the backwards baseball cap. i found it hard to take my eyes off of the lead singer. more precisely the larger boulder-like peck that was bouncing up and down under his shirt as he played the guitar. maybe he uses this as a way to hypnotize his audience. i have no idea, but it worked on me. the fact that they were like 2 to 3 feet away from us didn't really help. then matt came on stage. we were so close we could see his tiny little nose ring, and the spit flying from his mouth as he sang. as he went from "bent" into a crows cover of "anna begins" i found myself fighting the urge to pass out. i love him. he stills goes into long elaborate lies about every song before he starts singing it, it's hilarious. my third matt concert and hands down the best of the three. he made fun of ashlee simpson, and even sang her song making up some kind words about her. he spoke of briefly dating her but said he knew it was over when she'd try to blind him with her acid reflux simply because he said he didn't respect her for lip-synching.

he sang every song i could think of wanting to hear, a blend of new and old stuff. even some solo acoustic stuff. i was a happy happy boy. i mean i was ready to leave ten minutes in, after "anna begins". so we headed home. found the right road, talked a lot more. swerved to miss a deer that was running across 6 lanes of traffic. came this close to hitting it. and laughed as it made ms. k do her famous "i'm scared and hyperventilating" routine that she does so well. what a great night.

[i...]

got an ab-lounger
teased a cute boy with perfect teeth
finalized plans for the great trip north, aka thanksgiving
discovered some benjamin wagner goodness
updated this place a lil' bit
smiled at an email
laughed at a ninja post
ate more broccoli
made it through four hours of the scariest movie moments ever on bravo
fell asleep when the final hour began
missed number one

the weekend's over, but i get to see my matt nathanson again tomorrow night. things could be worse, doors and windows. blah.

her: why you do that?
me: why do you do that.

her: how you doing?
me: how are you doing.

her: bite my freaking hairy ass!
me: now that one you got right.

[believe]

i truly believe:

that no matter how dark it appears on the horizon, good always prevails over evil.

that the best mix cds are made when you are drunker than drunk.

that life as we know it is a really good show.

that people come into your life for a reason, even if they don’t stay for very long.

that girls who loves boys, who love boys, are girls worth hanging on to.

that no matter how much anger, sadness and disappointment that exists in a friendship, the things that drew you together in the first place have a way of working all that bad stuff out.

that we lose people before we’re ever really ready to let them go.

that it’s possible to die of a broken heart.

that kd lang has a voice like an angel.

that people underestimate me on a daily basis.

that not everyone from ohio is misguided.

that one day matt nathanson will run away with me, to another world, and we can find it together…

that you can believe in God and still have an open mind, a very open mind.

a mind you can use all on your own, without the help of a fearless leader.

a money hungry, oil sniffing, hitler-esque fearless leader.

that some days, waking up on a couch, reeking of cigarette smoke (not yours of course), cat hairs all over you (yes I remember the old irrational fear), mouth dryer than a desert in arizona (that reminds you of a boy in arizona), that reminds you of a song by the format, helps you see the brighter side of things.

that people suck, that people hurt you, that people break your heart on a daily basis. but it’s up to you to decide who’s worth giving a second chance, and who’s worth moving on and forgetting about.

that subway, cheap wine, me driving, you crying, are the basis of a lifelong friendship.

that people try to pretend that they know you, in a short period of time.

that those people are simple, and shallow.

that those people will never know you, no matter how much time they invest you.

that no matter how brave i am. how much i fake it. how much i lie. the truth is, i miss him so much. i don’t care what he said or did, or whatever. i just want a re-do. a chance to make it right again, on both our parts.

that no matter how many pictures i see of him, of us, of that night, don't make it okay to say goodbye. you didn’t want it. i don’t want it. so why did we ever have one?

"i wish that you could see me when i'm flying in my dreams. the way i laugh there way up high, the way i look when i fly. the way i laugh, the way i fly..."

[hmmm]

let's see...

i'm a gay, democrat, who lives in the great RED state of ohio.

i only wish there was some sort of newsworthy event that took place in the last, oh i don't know, day or so that i could blog about. sadly, i'm coming up empty on this one.

[is it over yet?]

the plan was to get up an hour earlier for work this morning in an effort to beat the crowds and vote. yeah, not so much. so i went to work and dreaded the 5pm crowds, i was going to face later on, all day. the more people i talked to however, who actually are morning people, said that they waited in line for over an hour. these were the people who got there as soon as the polls opened.

5pm found me flying out of the parking lot and fighting traffic in the rain. i was determined to get to the polls before the after-work crowd became out of control. mission accomplished. i had about 12 people in front of me voting/waiting. i was in and out in under fifteen minutes. i’ve never seen so many “i voted” stickers on people before, as I did today. that’s a good sign, right? and i was surprised at the number of people in their early twenties that were actually voting. i guess with so many new voters, and the large turn out that’s saying that maybe a lot of people are unhappy with the way things currently are, and they’re looking for a change. i guess that’s a hopeful way of looking at it. right?

for some reason the only thing i can think of, when i see dub-ya's smug look as he says he's confident that he'll win, is karen walker's voice saying: grab a bottle, hunker down, and pray for daylight.