[change]

people change every day, often in such small unnoticeable ways. 19 years later, as you slam into that painful brick wall now suddenly thrown on the path you were coasting down, you wonder who he even is. you give, you gave, too many sacrifices to count, sacrifices you would never dream of totaling up. you love, and you loved. it was never a question. it was never a matter of how much or what was asked, you loved and for you that was enough.

then his face becomes one you no longer recognized. and you find strength in the most random of places. a stranger stops you and tells you that you will be fine, how could they even know?

i think about you and all that was. how you could ask for so much, and give very little in return. you got what you wanted for as long as you needed it, and when you were done you weren’t quite sure where to sweep the left over pieces. you warned me long before that when things fall apart you run, you don’t deal, you don’t do confrontation, you simply run. that should have been warning enough, but you know me, i have the habit of choosing to see what i want and ignoring all the rest. maybe it’s a case of arrogance, seeing how it is with you and everyone else. thinking that it could never be that way with us. but it was that day. you can’t live you life for your friends. the irony of that makes me want to vomit. people fuck up all the time. you fucked up a lot. so why can’t you look past one bad night and see the million other good ones? because they thought for you? you changed your mind in that one hour. it went from things need to change, to things are over. i’m not stupid, i know where all of that came from. and i’m not saying that i wasn’t wrong, but i am saying that i deserved a little more.

that night, that couch. the crowd. the texts. laughing, screaming to hear over the music. the walk afterwards. the pizza. if all we had was just one night, i would pick that moment. it was perfection played out before me. it was what i dreamed up long before the hug.

how did you make it work? how can you be surprised when you hear that people are drifting apart? when that’s all i see. things don’t last, i get that, why don’t you? you are so fatalistic when it comes to everything else, why not with love? it’s what keeps me awake at night. it’s that fear, that doubt, that stops me when i see a smile from across the room. a number given is a number lost. why pretend that it won’t end in heartbreak and tears? why pretend that it won’t end?