the rescue blues

i should be tired. i worked fourteen hours straight yesterday, slept 4 hours, somehow woke up after missing my alarm, and then went to the doctor's office.

but somehow i'm not.

i think about why we are the way we are, and the damage that we do to one another. simple, effortless, but the kind of pain that can bring you to your knees. when you care about someone you want to try and sort it all out. take a look at what's wrong and try to find a way past the messy pratfalls.

but somehow i don't.

i guess the flip-side to that coin is that once you know someone long enough, well enough, you know what they're capable of. and what they are not. you know their strengths and their weaknesses. and as much as you want them to change, you want this time to be different, in your heart you know that they're just not capable of it. you know the person they are, and the person they're not. no matter how much you tried to pretend in the past.

it sucks to always feel like there's just that one tiny thing missing. that one thing you can't seem to figure out, or put your finger on. but you know that it's there, or not rather, and you still are unsure of how to find it. or where to even look.

maybe my problem is that i foolishly look for it in the eyes of everyone else around me, when i should be looking inside. i should have been looking inside all along.

i'm happy. but i'm hurt. and i know that i should try to find a way to get past this, that i should want to move on.

but somehow i don't.