have it your way, my ass

dearest king of all burgers,

anyone who knows me knows that i do fast food maybe twice a year. unless i'm drunk and we somehow wind up at taco bell. but that's a whole other ball game. i'm talking about burger and fries kind of fast food. in fact i haven't had a fast food fry since last fall when i watched super-size me, that pretty much cured me of any craving. so yesterday i decided to be a sheep and cave to the marketing blitz that's been coming my way thanks to you, and visit one of your places of business. true, part of it was getting something with chris evans in tights on it, but mainly i wanted an amazon cash card. i knew going in that the chances of the card being worth anything more than one dollar were pretty slim. i also knew that i would have to pay around five dollars to get that one free dollar. i was okay with all of that. i even "king-sized" it, because that's what your commercial told me to do, knowing that i don't eat that much food at any one time. unless we're talking about doritos, and again, whole other ball game. anyway, i did it just for the damn card. and hey i know their track record there. i know how the girl likes to cough into her hand before handing me my change and any of my order. i was okay with that today. you see your campaign worked, i fell for it 100%. i even remembered to check the burger before pulling off to make sure that it in fact had only the ketchup and pickles i wanted and NOTHING else. i mean when i say, "just ketchup and pickles and nothing else," why do they always ask me if i want cheese on that? um no, not unless your cheese is now made from ketchup and pickles. if so, then sure why not. so i pulled away feeling okay with my purchase and the accuracy of my burger. then i got home, tore everything apart just looking for my card, forgetting that i had a meal to eat. "oh, it's probably on the box of fries," i thought. nope. "wait, was it on the drink cup?" nope. "burger wrapper? bag?" nope. nope.

damn the man, the one thing i stopped for, and you kept it. i have no idea why i'm even the slightest bit surprised by this outcome.