you don't know how lovely you are

sometimes amiee mann's "the scientist" can send your head spinning, like far more than coldplay ever could. good or bad, nothing or everything in between i have no idea. the fact that it's adam's song makes me hate it and love it all the same. yes, gentle readers, we all know that i have no one but myself to blame for adam 2004. but hey, thanks for pointing that out to me and all that jazz.

i love you and hate you, and all that exists in between. that makes me right and wrong, and again all that falls between all that gooey mess. i gave you what i thought you wanted, i gave you what i knew you needed, and i gave you what i so did not want you to have. all that and in between and such...

years and years and years, all ending in that one night. that one night a million years ago. that one night almost one year ago tonight. it's funny how time and space and all that in between tends to mess with your head, and your concept of time and space and all that. i miss and love and want all of that in between. the space between, how lame, how dave matthews of us. but i said that was you and us and all that, and you went with it. that was you, always you, always nodding and smiling and all that. just going along with me and my newest/latest madness. and you were just you, smiling and accepting me and all that i was. ever pretending to be the crazy one. always knowing that it was never you, and always me.

that night, that one night a million years ago. wrong name, wrong place, wrong age... trust issues and all that. was there anything else to really even lie to you about? you, ever forgiving, ever accepting. you, ever you. my heart breaks and swells at the thought and the memory of you and all that you were. and are.

hey guess what? this is me, this is me fucking up. ever new, ever exclusive to you. this is me making the worst of a good situation. you tried. you bent. you changed. you quit. you gave up. you were ready to move all of what you were to adapt to this and that and whatever. and i love, and i hate, and i...everything that exists in between for you and me and for what we are and were. saying goodbye is what we'd say was best. saying goodbye is what i hate the most. i think the hardest part is knowing that you're loving, existing, being you, and everything in between out there. and i have little or no say in that matter. i miss you enough to make a heart stop or cry, and that means nothing to you. i gave up any right to that the day i said goodbye, the day i walked away. i know i deserve little, or nothing, or anything at all. but that doesn't stop me from missing, longing, wondering, hoping and wishing and all that. i look and stare and dream at my stupid phone and all that and silently pray, as good as that does me, that you'll just dial those ten stupid random numbers, and one day this stupid shiny piece of black and silver plastic will eventually ring. one day, this day, some day, it will just ring. another chance. a fiftieth chance at hello, at re-start, at whatever we can be at this time. yeah, me and you and us and something like that. i miss you adam.

yeah, as little as that means to you. and as much as that means to me. i miss you.