[the outing]

this one was probably my favorite. 25 was pretty stellar as well, but i liked this one a lot from what i recall. beer after beer shot after shot will tend to do that to you. red pop, lemon drops and starburst. those are the shots i remember doing. a birthday kiss on the cheek from a cute bartender will always leave you smiling. does this bar have swings? what kind of crazy s&m tommy lee bar have we stumbled upon? scott was digging it, he kept asking everyone if they wanted to share his swing. at one point he even propositioned ms. k with trying out the spider, like grade school. she told him to go away.

the night started out with a pre-party beer with G at a restaurant. she gave me some amazing chapstick and a card with shirtless guys on it. i told her my birthday wish was to kiss a cute boy that night. i ran a little late. she ran even later. so our plan to chill for ninety minutes turned into fifteen. i was skurrd that ms. B would punish us if i was late for my own party. so we hauled it to her place, fearing we’d be the last two to arrive. at least ms. K is consistent, she was later than we were.

gifts were exchanged. i got some sweet thrift store t’s from ms. B and madlibs from ms. K. i got other stuff too, but those were my favorite gifts. we decided to pass on bowling in an effort to make the night a little simpler. the restaurant was in the bar district, so that would call for only one trip. oh well. so we piled into scott’s huge truck and made our way to the best italian restaurant ever. of course there was a line. that meant standing outside for close to five minutes in the freezing 20 degrees before the line moved inside. G and i ordered another beer. everyone was eating off of one another’s plates. the food was insanely yummy. our waitress took our picture and wished us a good night. random girl from high school on the way out. G said hi and was snubbed. ms K and i did what we do best, looked away and pretended not to know who she was.

so we made our way to the pub. we found a corner table buy the bar near the front window. i downed two more beers in a few minutes and started to feel a little tipsy. G and i found our way to the juke box and she laughed at me as my fingers flew from one selection to the next. she asked me if i had the thing memorized, i just told her i don’t mess around when it comes to my musical environment. we made our way back to the table as metallica began to play. everyone asked me if it was my song, i looked at them and asked them if they even knew me.

i told G our waitress was hott. she said that she looked familiar, and i agreed. so we grilled her to find out how we knew her. she informed us that we couldn’t possibly know her since she was from the tiniest town ever. yep, the town we all grew up in. she was ten years younger than us, and we didn’t really know her, but it was odd how familiar she looked.

B found us sitting by the front window and pounded on the glass before he made his way inside. he showed up just in time for my last killers song to play. he was disappointed that he missed out on garbage and all my other standards. by this time i was wasted. G kept ordering shots, in pitchers, for the table. everyone kept making little toasts and i accidentally drank mine before the toasts, not realizing i was being toasted. because i was toasted. oops. when nikki finally arrived, we decided to walk the block and a half in the cold to go dancing. i suddenly became five years old as i told the bouncer that it was my birffday. i asked him if that meant i could get in for free. he informed me that it did. as everyone else stopped to pay the cover i ran upstairs. that’s where we found the swings. G saw our old buddy megan from the week before. she was determined to get her to remember her. G freaked her out by calling her by name.

we drank a lot more. scott played on his swing. i got nikki to climb a bamboo ladder to request a song for me. G and i kept giving a cutie in a ringer t the eye. we chilled there for an hour and then decided to head to the bar where G’s friend josh worked. he was excited to see her again. he gave me a free shot for my birthday. at this point everything was pretty much a blur. i remember talking to B and G while sitting at the bar. and then like dream i was tapped on the shoulder, i turned around, and there was michael. of course, i mean why wouldn’t he be there? the boy is like a bad penny i can’t seem to shake. he asked me to dance. i said that i was with my friends. G told me to go have fun. so we had fun. we danced. we drank. we made out on a couch. what a shock, i know. but as G reminded me on the cab ride how, i did get my birthday wish. i blew all my money on drinks and had six dollars left for the cab ride home. so needless to say i was held hostage in the cab while G looked around in her car for some money. ms. B and ms. K stood in the house watching us through the window wondering what was going on. when my bail was finally paid i was allowed to get out, the cab drove off, G said goodbye and i headed inside. everyone else went to bed, so ms. B and i sat up and had a conversation about boys. she told me she was my michelle and i was her romy, and that there wasn’t an end to us. as we drifted off to some kelly clarkson and the killers videos playing on demand i felt happy and loved. knowing that the night played out exactly the way i expected it to when i woke up that morning.

[feb. 25]

birthday wishes just after midnight from G and kiki

happy birthday text messages at 8am.

a morning phone call from my sister.

lunch with my mom and aunt.

brak volume 1!

an email that made me laugh and smile from the adorable one from down under, filled with birthday wishes and insults about turning 30.

this birthday just keeps getting better, i can't wait until tonight.

[burning photographs]

strange.

thought i knew you well.

thought i had read the sky...

yeah, something like that. i spoke of you last night. us, we, then, what was, what isn't. and for the first time i was removed from it. as if i was replaying one of my favorite scenes from a movie. one of my favorite scenes that makes me cry, but of course. i spoke of being there. of what was. what isn't. what won't ever be again. but tonight i'm okay with that. for the first time, the thoughts and memories floating around in my head, i'm okay with that. we were. we aren't. the world still spins. the sun still rises and sets. and with or without you, this old chest of mine still rises with its next breath. wow. who knew i could say that? think that. i won't lie and say that i don't wonder where you are right now. what you're doing, who you're with. a phone that rings, but not with you on the other end. i wonder if you think about me. remember that it's my birthday. if you find yourself reaching for the phone, a natural reflex, wanting to call me and wish me the best of in the year 3-0. yeah, i think about that a lot.

[30]

ms. b: your boobs look huge!
ms. k: what?!
ms. b: is your bra padded?
ms. k: lil’ bit.

ms. b then spent the next hour staring at said huge boobs, freaking ms. k out from across the room. they did look bigger than ever. so last night was ms. k’s surprise birthday party at her mom’s. good food. crazy 8s with playing cards as big as your head. broccoli and cauliflower, yum.

it’s weird going back to a place you spent so much of your late teen years and early twenties growing up in. the night we burned an obscenely large black patch into the yard. yeah, there was no covering that one up. mixing the world’s biggest amaretto sour, in a plastic bowl, and then sharing it with straws by the pool. that was the night we decided to put the tent together on the deck and sleep outside. that came to an abrupt end as ms. k spilled what was left of our bowl drink on the floor of the tent. kissing dirrrty girls on a dare. long walks around the neighborhood on warm summer nights. smoking clove cigarettes. sneaking backpacks filled with “borrowed” movies and beer down the hall to a bedroom. a drunken new year’s eve in a dark bedroom lying on a bed, making our own strobe light on the ceiling with a flashlight, as we listened to old 45s. discovering streets of fire. yukon jack, with a hint of weed. priceless memories. countless exes. but a friendship that remains. after twenty years, growing, changing, bending not breaking. a friendship remains.

and in a little over two hours i’ll be 30. that’s scary and hard to wrap my mind around. i remember when my favorite cousin turned 30. i remember thinking how old that was. distant. so far away. and now as i approach it i still feel like a sixteen-year-old kid. awkward, unsure, insecure. i’m the age my mom was when i was born. that’s crazy.

and tomorrow night is the big party night out. in theory i’m to meet G for a couple pre-party drinks. then we’ll meet ms. k and ms. b for dinner at luigi’s. if time permits bowling, this year’s theme is white trash. after that everyone else is invited to meet up with us at the bars downtown. a night with good friends, and lots and lots of alcohol and a drunk dial here and there for good measure is how i want it to play out. with low expectations at least i can’t be let down. good friends and pretty clothes, what more can you ask for?

[that cake is taunting me]

Saturday:

Woke up. Picked up the biggest cake I’ve ever seen. Watched in horror as the girl showing me the cake dropped the lid on the cake, wiping out the corner. She assured me that it could be easily fixed as she rushed the cake to the back. Ten minutes later she came back, it was good as new, and I was out the door. Cakes don’t travel so well. By the time I got to the store to pick up the two bunches of balloons I ordered the cake now looked like a relief map of the grand canyon. I honestly thought I was going to vomit right there. I called my cousin at the hotel to let her know I was on my way. I freaked out about the cake, she told me that we could fix it once we got to the restaurant. As we unloaded my car she changed her mind and decided the cake was a mess. The waitress at the restaurant informed me they didn’t have anything I could use to fix the cake. Awesome. Eventually another waitress pushed the two halves together and smoother out the icing. What couldn’t be fixed was just hidden under candles. I of course could think of nothing but the damn cake. It taunted me from across the room much like the tell tale heart.

Once the 40 or so guests were in place, my sister arrived with my mom. I was worried that the super sleuth was onto us, but I think we surprised her. As she stood in the middle of the room trying her best not to sob I was pretty sure we got her. I walked up to her, hugged her, and told her to stop crying because she was making everyone else cry. She laughed and pulled herself together. The guests couldn’t even yell surprise because they were so choked up at t he sight of her crying. It was the quietest surprise party ever. She was so cute sitting there in complete shock as she looked around the room at all the guests. She asked me if she was allowed to get up and go see everyone. I laughed and told her it was her party, she could do whatever she wanted.

The food was great. Everyone seemed to have a good time. At one point my sister looked at me from across the room and winked and said we did it. I was just glad that we were able to pull it off without her catching onto us. After the party ended we went back to the hotel to spend time with my aunt and all our cousins. We played dominoes by the pool as the boys swam. We later moved to the meeting area and played some more while eating some pizza. It’s nice just to hang out with them since we never get to see them. We said our goodbyes, I came home and attempted to watch SNL but fell asleep. I think the party planning wore me out. I was stressing so much all week that I got very little sleep. When I woke up Sunday morning, after 10 hours of sleep, I realized that I was more worn out then I thought I was.

And now I can start the official countdown for yet another party. Friday we’re going out to celebrate my birthday. 30, yikes. I’m not mature enough to be 30. But I am looking forward to all the we have planned, and of course knocking back a few drinks with my friends.

(Me + them) x alcohol = insanity

I can’t wait. Three more days of work, then another three day weekend.

[recap]

Thursday:

My sister made it in, after picking up her boyfriend at the airport. we ate too much pizza and watched a bunch of tv. I think I got her hooked on brak, but she wasn’t buying what I was selling when I professed my love for committed. We hung out until 1am watching brak episodes and music videos on demand.

Friday:

We went to the mall. I bought a bright pink shirt. The cutest little woman waited on me. She was tiny enough to fit into my pocket. I love my new pink shirt. She looked at the shirt, looked at me, and then asked if I had the right size. I assured her that I did. She asked me if I was sure, and if I wanted to try it on. I told her it was fine. “okay,” she shrugged. I think she was calling me a fat ass. Fisticuffs almost broke out. I then changed my mind on how cute she was. After that I did some shopping for ms. K’s birthday. We were born two days apart and our mom’s were in the hospital at the same time. We were even in the same nursery together as newborns. I always say that it was destined for us to meet ten years later and become best friends.

After the shirt purchase, we headed to lunch. Luigi’s, heaven. Every time I go there I feel like the dude from seven who ate himself to death with spaghetti. The pasta sauce is so good. Like there is no way to even describe it good. And the salad is amazing. It was my pick since we were celebrating my birthday. We’re going to try and hit it up again Friday night for dinner with the gang. It’s always a pain to get into on the weekends, so we’ll see.

While my mom was buying a new couch, my cousin called me to let me know they were going to the mall. I told her that we were there, and then sent her to another mall. She was in town from Michigan for my mom’s surprise 60th birthday party we were throwing on Saturday. She said she wanted to call me first to make sure we wouldn’t be running into her. My sister’s boyfriend almost blew it for us later in the evening when he suggested going to dinner at the restaurant that was next to their hotel. The restaurant that my aunt and three cousins were in that same night. When my sister and I gave him our patented look of death, he knew he needed to quickly come up with another place.

After dinner we just hung out and watched a few episodes of what not to wear. We called it an early night because we knew Saturday was going to be stressful leading up to the party.

[want]

you want.

what you can't have. what's wrong for you. what you'll never be. what you'll never be able to reach, let alone hold in your hands.

it to work out. it to be over soon. it to be better than it was. it to live up to the impossible standards you create in your mind. it to happen again.

to be happy. to be rich. to be comfortable in your own skin. to be one of the pretty ones. to be more popular. to be wanted by everyone, but able to find the right one. to be loved.

to be witty. to be funny. to be charming. to be smart. to be skinny. to be tall. to be candy everybody wants.

to stand out in a crowd. to disappear. to make the world laugh. to be left alone.

to see the world. to never leave the comfort of your bed.

a place to run to. a place to hide. a place to rest your head. a place where the grass is green. a place where it’s always warm. a place where you can fall back, look up, and see nothing but a night sky filled with stars.

the last call of the night. the first face you see in the morning.

more time. as many do-overs as you can come by. to never have to use a single one. to never regret anything. every choice you make to be right, and easily made.

to stop looking, and just be found.

it all.

[crabs]

last night i dreamt that i had a little red crab as a pet. he walked around the house and even had his own bed to sleep in. much like a dog, he liked to play around at my feet and follow me everywhere i walked. the only problem was, since he was so small, i kept stepping on the little guy. i eventually cracked his shell. i have no idea what this means. sea creatures big and small give me a serious case of the freak outs. even if it were possible for me to walk a little crab on a leash and keep it as a pet, i never would.

[let go]

it was never a question of whether i missed you or not, that goes without saying. it was more like making the best of a bad situation. trying to find a healthy escape from a tainted relationship. smile, laugh, love. all of that was there. but so was the pain. the let down. the overabundance of promises not kept. it was a way out, and i took it. i can't count the number of times that i stood by watching you in the rearview mirror as you drifted out of sight. july to november. each day got easier. strength in unexpected places. by the time you called, and called the fourth time, it became automatic. you were out. something as simple as not letting you back in when you tried, as you always do, marked our end. this time the choice was mine. i had control in my hands and i stopped it. of course i miss you. the history. every amazing detail. but i don't miss all of the bad that comes with you. that always comes with you. seven months, though it may seem impossible, can simply become nothing more than a tiny tear in time. and there is a way to just be, without being what we were or had.

[vd]

yay. it's valentine's day! my most favorite time of the year. well right after flag day that is. me? bitter? no way i say. just because i did not make any attempt to slow down what-so-ever, as you walked in front of my car with your arms filled with flowers, that in no way proves i'm bitter. you doing all that you could to keep that balloon from taking flight in this wind storm that we're having as you made your way to your car. i mean what person gets a balloon as a gift and thinks, "wow i am one lucky lucky mofo. now i know that i am truly loved."

candy you can eat. cards you can read. flowers slowly remind us that we'll all be dead some day, as they wilt before our eyes. but balloons are like anne heche's character on everwood, they serve no purpose.

[meet mary forrest]

it's really no wonder that i'm single.

i keep falling madly in love with GIRLS.
girls and their blogs.
girls a million miles away.
she is my newest crush.



i so, so, so heart this

"i would have lived in your goodbye...
i dreamed of being lonely long before i ever was."

wow.

and by crush i mean girl who makes me realize how much my blog sucks.
she's in good company, with kia, jen, and rach.

anyway, check her out.

[this just in]

i guess my old pal rob thomas has a new single out. yep, just rob, sans the matchbox. i came across it yesterday. it's called, "lonely no more", and it's exactly what i would expect a rob thomas solo single would sound like. and that's not really a bad thing. will i buy the cd? of course. will i see him live if he actually decides to visit ohio? you bet.

*after listening to it oh, let's say 100 times, i've decided i now love the song.

[blue wednesday]

i've been in a mood, a funk, a blah lately.

i find myself writing non-stop on pieces of paper, in my notebook, but none of it makes its way here. that's for the best i suppose.

i find myself vomiting non-stop as well. at first i thought it was the flu, now i'm not so sure. me thinks the medication is starting to disagree with me.

the big surprise event is almost here, i just hope we can pull it off.

my 30th birthday plans are falling into place as well. sadly, we won't be on a beach anywhere. but i will be celebrating with my amazing friends, who've been in my life for over twenty years, so i guess i can consider myself luckier than most.

i have three of the biggest zits i've ever seen on the side of my face. i have no idea where they came from, but they appear to be a map to something.

i LOVE the new ben folds single "landed".
it shall be my new favorite song, for this week anyway.

[i love this show]

i can't say it enough, i love committed. it's funny, it's smart, it's totally insane and out there...much like yours truly.

i laugh harder in five minutes of this show than i have over the course of the entire season of joey. and any show with a retired clown living in a closet, and an older & wee less bitchy version of nicole julian from popular can't go wrong with me.

[note to self]

sweet

[something like that]

i want to yell. i want to scream. at something stupid. at something simple. at this thin piece of glass that lies before me. glass that separates me from you. and you. glass that connects me to you. and you. i want to tell you not to be stupid. i want to tell you not to give up. i want to tell you not to throw it all away. i want to be lame and quote ben affleck (sorry rach) in good will hunting and say, “i’d give anything to have what you got.” or something cro-magnon like that.

why i care is lost on me, but i do. i guess it’s that i see what you have and it makes me hope, wish, and dream. it makes me believe that things can work out. that things do work out. that you can find one right in a world full of wrongs. and the fact that you can be so indifferent, so cavalier about it, scares me. scares me more for me and not for you maybe, but scares me all the same.

don’t.
stop.
please.

if you can’t make it work, then i can’t make it work.

simple.
true.
sad.
but honest.

you are the reason why i started. you are the reason why i wanted to stop. why EVERY day i want to stop. neither one of you knew that, knows that, but how could you really? but it’s true. strangers familiar.

stop.

lame, sad, pathetic, i know, but stop…

-patrick park . something pretty
yeah, it doesn't get better than that.

[untitled]

lisa: hey that's not you!
me: i know. i mugged an old lady and took her purse.
lisa: gasp.
me: because it matched my shoes.
lisa: well it's all about accessorizing.

-----

me: if i won a million dollars i'd split it with you.
lisa: yeah, right.
me: i would.
lisa: maybe if you won the million dollar man.
me: i'd spilt him too. you could have the top half.

[yeah, yeah...]

since u been gone comes on and i think, "i wish i was a girl, then i could dress just like kelly clarkson in that video. how cute does she look? but not that odd black thing she has on, i'd pass on that." then i begin to bounce up and down just like she does in the video. even if the song just randomly plays on the old nomad, 'cause i'm all about the random play, i still jump up and down at the appropriate parts. it simply can't be helped.

then i think, "wow this treadmill is kicking my ass. it's been too long since this treadmill has kicked my ass." i've been slacking. maybe it's all the garbage and jimmy eat world i have on my new workout mix that helps.

on the treadmill i remember tat P's party is this weekend, and i wonder if i'll make it. two hours is a long trip to make just to drink. i should call G and hammer out the plan. then i think i should stop telling people that "i'll see them then" when i really have no intentions of going.

then i remember that it's tuesday, and tuesday means new episodes of scrubs and committed. oh how i heart committed. nicole julian it's about time someone has finally brought you back to my little tv. it's been lonely without you. i've missed you. she's like the worst nanny ever, but i wouldn't have it any other way. i die every time marnie yells, "clown!" and nate, cute beautiful messed up nate. seeing him makes me happy that i am a boy. a boy who likes boys mind you. because i can dress like him, and really what he wears suits me better than anything kelly clarkson has on.

then i check the list to see if insanity and lack of focus are possible side effects of the new medication i started.