a dirty martini has olive juice in it

tuesday night i picked up nakita for our dinner and movie outing. she picked max & erma's, can't go wrong with that. we sat and talked and read the drink menu while we waited for our food to arrive. the menu had all these little drink facts at the bottom of each page. that's where we learned the definition of a dirty martini, who knew? well not the two of us anyway.

after dinner we headed to target to kill the hour we had before the movie started. i went for some goobers for the movie, but got distracted by a box of reese's pieces. nikki spent an hour trying to decide what she was in the mood for. ms. k texted me earlier in the week to inform me that entertainment weekly's pop culture quiz was out. we did the last two together so i wanted to track this year's down. no luck. so i finally broke down and asked for some help. one of the cashiers led me all around looking for it, and finally found it hidden behind another magazine. it was the previous week's issue, but after all her hard work i didn't have the nerve to put it back. so i bought a week old issue that i really wasn't interested in reading. i was "randomly" picked for a survey and a chance to win an alaskan cruise. randomly enough nikki was chosen as well. we agreed to take one another on the cruise if one of us ended up winning. our cashier told us to have fun, and the wished us a good night.

we made our way to the theater and got our tickets for hostage with bruce willis. late at night, during the week, you have to buy your tickets inside at the concession counter. nikki tried to order a cherry coke from the guy selling the tickets. he informed her that she was in the wrong line. she said she'd take a ticket instead, but couldn't remember the name of the movie that we were seeing. i think he was annoyed with us by the time we were done.

so we went to our theater and sat down. we had the place to ourselves so we were being loud and goofy. then these four odd characters came in and made their way to the front. it must have been a big night out for them because they kept taking pictures of one another. i guess when you only get to leave your trailer park once a year it's something you should try and document.

soon we were joined by three loud women who sat in the row directly behind us. when they sat down i heard one say, "if your water breaks just let me know and we'll leave." i was happy to hear that her friend was nice enough not to force the about to give birth woman to stay around until the credits began to roll. i spent a good majority of the movie fearing for my flip-flop wearing feet. i kept waiting for the sound of gushing water hitting the floor. eek.

the movie was pretty sweet. ben foster used to be cute once upon a time. now he will forever ick me out. if i never see another movie with him in it i'll be just fine. aside from that i enjoyed the rest of the movie. i think they should have just called it what it really was, die hard 4, but that's just me.

i dropped nikki off and headed home. after realizing that i had to be up for work in five hours, but that i drank way too much iced tea to sleep, i watched a little WE. two guys & a girl was such a great show. i eventually passed out sometime after two and i think i had a creepy dream about ben foster.

playing:
landed . ben folds (fiveless)

concert curse

here, in my little hands, i have tickets to see ryan adams. well, not this very moment for i am typing, but they're close by. it's been a dream/goal/whatever of mine for some time now to see ryan, heather nova and REM. and i'm this much closer to part of that must do list. i can't help but think that something will happen between now and may. i seem to have this concert curse looming over head.

*free tickets to see REM
that got lost in the mail
*tickets purchased for another REM tour
our stop was cancelled
*tickets to see dido at this tiny bar
freak snowstorm and we can't make it
*tickets to see the dixie chicks
cancelled
*britney spears for ms. b's christmas gift
postponed, rescheduled, cancelled
*fifth row for christina aguilera
tour cancelled
*two tickets to shawn colvin
couldn't find anyone free, didn't go
*driving six hours west with B to see eminem
to find out the show had been cancelled


i have this plan that i've been sitting on for a few weeks now. i'm still unsure if i even want to put it in motion. i know that if i do, chances of me being able to even attend the concert are cut in half. and yes, i had that in the back of my mind as i was buying the tickets. but i wanted to hold onto hope that i will finally be in the same room as ryan adams. so we'll see how it goes.

nuts & bets

her: you have no idea what it's like.
me: what?
her: the pain of getting your boobs squished when you go for a mammogram.
me: no, but i've had things squished too.
her: that's not the same.
me: how do you know?
her: it's not.
me: i don't mind it much. in fact i visit the dr. once a week just to get squished.
her: what?!
me: well at least he calls himself "the dr."
her: shut up.
me: and he works out of a dark alley, so you know.
her: you are not right.

.....

her: you better start saving up the fifty dollars now.
me: did we bet?
her: yes.
me: i don't remember shaking on it.
her: oooh, scared you're gonna lose now?
me: no.
her: riiight.
me: i just don't like to take money from elderly women.
her: hey!
me: unless it's for sexual favors, then i'm okay with it.

again, all over the place

my day started out with just the best haircut ever. wicked props to my girl for working her magic. i still find it strange that every other haircut rocks. and on the flipside, every other one completely sucks. but this morning i was very very happy. maybe it's because i decided to let the sideburns grow just a wee bit longer as well? who knows, i cannot question the hotness.

do i have a problem if i get turned on by the sight of my own forearms while wearing my thermal shirt? is that creepy? maybe just odd. i kept noticing them all day while i was running errands.

i asked lisa what perfume she had on yesterday, it smelled so good. i figured that if hers smelled that good, maybe i could check out the men's version and see if i liked it as well. she blushed when she responded, and acted like she didn't want to fill me in on her dark little secret. it turns out what she had on was in fact men's cologne. it's her boyfriend's, who is currently in iraq. she likes to wear it to stay closer to him. she's so cute.

last night was dinner with the work crew for my birthday, that was in february. i filled them in on my new position on the 5S team, they're wicked jealous, i can tell. i laughed a lot, even if lisa wasn't with us. we ate a lot, they filled me in on all the gossip, and we took up space for 2+ hours. then i came home and attempted to do something, anything, but found myself stuck to the couch instead. the free videos on icontrol are hard to get away from once you get sucked into the first one.

i heart:
wake up older . julie roberts

clearly i have add

i want ryan cabrera's jacket. the one he wears on that ashlee show i try so hard not to watch. i can't find it, but i need it now.

*warning, a felicity paragraph, skip this part rach...
my mind was finally put at ease while watching the bonus features on the felicity senior year dvds. the explanation of elana's reappearance at noel's wedding, after dying before the whole time travel drama, was a victim of time constraints. matt reeves, who's now on my list, had to make choppy choppy with some footage to get the last episode in under the run time. he felt that the explanation of her death, or lack there of, was something that maybe the fans wouldn't notice. um, okay. but at least i got to see what was supposed to happen, and now i can move on with my life. and by moving on i mean still watching felicity over & over but letting go of that nagging question that was always in the back of my mind.

and speaking of felicity, rumor has it the WE got their act together and decided to start running it again this spring. crazy/beautiful, reality bites, beaches, and now the return of felicity? i get it WE, you want me as a fan. noted.

exactly who is better than ezra trying to fool by releasing their "new" single a lifetime and pretending that it wasn't on their last album closer? just because i'm the only person on earth who purchased that cd does not excuse this offense. did they think no one would notice if they added the track to their latest effort before the robots, and then release it as new? weak man, weak. yes it's a great song. yes i love it, but that's just kinda lame.

stuck in my head:
gotta get up from here . ellie lawson

go team

i joined a new team at work. i'm not sure why. i felt this burst of inspiration for all of three seconds and thought it would be a good idea. the moment is over. i thought it might help with the boredom. i thought it might help me advance a little. i like being bored, i don't want to advance.

we're organizing and cleaning at work too. we're using the "life-changing" 5S approach to organization. i like to use 5S as a verb when i talk about it. for example, "have you seen our room? she's 5Sing the hell out of it." it makes me smile. we're also labeling everything and i've been using a p-touch to make up the labels. this also brings me hours of fun. "okay, i'll be right there as soon as i'm done p-touching." they usually respond with, "stop touching your p and get over here." good times.

i saw lou rawles today. he's skinnier and taller than what i thought he'd look like. not that i spend great amounts of time thinking about him, but yeah, skinnier & taller.

my new favorite story.

i was talking to the other nicole at work. she was filling me in on this guy who likes to hit on her, and basically sketch her out. she's twenty and he's in his late forties, early fifties.

perv: so is it just me, or do we have a connection here?
N: i'm sorry?
perv: i feel like there's something between us.
N: really?
perv: yeah, would you want to go out sometime?
N: um, i'm only sixteen.
perv: oh.
N: yeah.
perv: so is that a no?

the girl is insane. i love her. anyone else would be creeped out and just walk about, but she likes to mess with people. i have no idea why some of the other people at work don't like her. she makes me laugh every time i talk to her. she has a messed up sense of humor and she's a smart-ass. hmm, maybe the reason why i get along with her is because we're so much alike.

rings and wings

last night i met up with lisa to see the ring 2. her plan was to meet fifteen minutes before the movie started. i told her i would be there about ten minutes earlier than that, just to be safe, and get our tickets. when i arrived my phone rang and it was her. i assumed she was calling to tell me that she'd be late, but instead she was asking where i was. it turned out she got there early as well because she didn't want me to have to stand outside and wait alone. i heart her. for some unexplained reason i'm far more chatty when i'm around her. i talked to the ticket girl, the usher, anyone who would listen. we stopped to buy a bottle of water and i grabbed a couple of napkins. i told her i got them just in case the movie was so scary it made her cry. she accused me of getting them to mop up the pee the movie would inevitably scare out of me. either way, our bases were covered.

we found a couple seats near the top, and within a few minutes the theater was completely sold out. i loathe seeing a movie when it's packed like that, aka opening weekend. but i hate it more when i find out any twists before i see the movie. so we sat and joked around and rolled our eyes at the immaturity that was all around us. before the movie began the manager came out and announced that we were seeing a PG-13 movie, and this meant there were several kids in the theater, and "unfortunately there's nothing we can do about that." we laughed hard at that. he then made this speech about shutting your fool mouth, not being obnoxious, not joke-screaming to prove you're a hard-ass, and staying off your phones. he informed us that a cop would be present at all times and if anyone had any problems they were to see him. this was our one and only warning. i loved it. the crowd even applauded him when he was done. i kept looking at lisa in shock, i'd never been in a theater were anything like this happened before. she said it was a first for her as well. it didn't stop the six or so cell phones from ringing, you're twelve how important of a call can it really be? some girl to our left kept answering hers and whispering into it. whatever. one person made a little noise and lisa jokingly asked me if they were bothering me. i told her they were, so she said she'd go alert the cop. i asked her if she could clear out the twenty seats that were surrounding me as well, and she laughed.

we had a good time. the movie was okay. i liked the story. it was an interesting idea, not just a re-telling of the original, but it just lacked something. it wasn't scary, or really even that creepy. there were a couple of cool special effects, but aside from that i wasn't blow away. the dead faces and the girl coming through the tv were shocking in the first movie, and just fell flat when you saw them this time around.

after the flick i waited by the restroom while lisa went inside. there was some crazy homeless person/crack addict doing some weird stuff near the trash can. i tried my best not to look at him but when lisa nudged me as we walked by i knew i wasn't alone in my observence. we stood outside and talked for a few minutes, then said our goodbyes. i came home and caught the end of SNL, yawn. then stumbled upon beaches on WE. i decided that it wouldn't be as sad since i was only seeing the last twenty minutes, the buildup wouldn't be as dramatic. i later decided that i was wrong as i teared up when bette took barbara to the beach house to die. i was a goner once the little girl asked bette if she could take her cat with her. what can you do?

where did these beads come from?

ms k. stopped over around 7:30am on st. patrick's day. i told her 7:30, assuming that she'd be late as per usual. i figured i'd see her around 8. needless to say i was surprised when i stepped out of the shower and my phone was ringing. it was her, she was at my door. so i got ready and she watched tv and yelled at me from the other room.

it was nice and warm this year, no snow, like our past few st. p's days so that was nice. we headed downtown to fill up on a big breakfast before we began drinking. we decided to start our day at the pub and see where things went from there. we found seats at the bar right next to the juke box, and i decided it was best to drop my five in right away knowing that was my only chance of hearing my songs sometime that day. we both ordered a beer and sat and talked, and people watched. the bar was packed at 9:45am and we ended up finding the last two seats in the place. ms. k couldn't take her eyes off the ryan cabrera look-alike at the other end of the bar. we sat and watched him go from table to table, it appeared that he knew everyone in the bar. at one point i stood up to go to the restroom and found him making out with a random girl behind me. while in the restroom i realized that my tongue was bleeding, thanks to biting it earlier when i was chewing gum. i filled ms. k in upon my return.

me: i spit when i was in the bathroom peeing and i saw blood.
ms. k: what?! you're peeing blood? we need to go.
me: no, i spit blood. i bit my tongue.
ms. k: oh, well then we can keep drinking.

we scored some beads form the bartender and then ordered a pitcher of green beer. the thought of all that food coloring icked me out, but i just tried not to think about it as i drank it down. after about three hours of so my songs finally came on. the one bartender started rawking out to my first choice, mr. brightside. what can i say, i'm addicted to that song. i followed that up with a couple ryan adams songs and i think that's when he fell in love with me. well, that's what we'll tell our grandchildren years from now anyway. he looked at me and asked if i played ryan adams too. i said yup, and he announced that i had excellent taste in music. he walked over to us and introduced himself. we weren't sure if he said his name was aaron or eric, so we spent the remainder of the day calling him aaron...k. we talked about our mutual love for ryan and he informed me that he was touring again and that he had three cds coming out this spring. as we stood there talking the evil juke box began skipping songs. we told him we had to wait three hours to hear our stuff, including the free song i won with my whack-a-mole like ninja skills. he walked around the corner and came back with two dollars, apologizing and said they called someone out to look at it. then he made his way to the juke box and put some money in and played some more killers and ryan adams to make it up to me. we love aaron...k. we then got him to give us a t shirt, after he made us promise to hide it so he wouldn't get in trouble. then his shift came to an end and we waved our goodbyes. we realized that we were raging drunks when the bartenders changed shifts and we were still there drinking.

at one point i looked over and saw nikki's favorite bartender who let us look at his abs once upon a time, so i had to text her to tell her. then G's cush meghan, from the other bar, walked by us. i texted G to tell her that her girlfriend was a slut and was cheating on her. she was okay with it until i told her that it was another girl, then she got pissed. she tried to get me to walk up to her and tell her she said hi, but i passed.

ms. k: can we get another? (handing bartender our empty pitcher marked coors light.
bartender: sure.
ms. k: it's coors light.
bartender: (smiling)
ms. k: but i guess you knew that since it's written all over the pitcher.
me: i wasn't gonna say it, for once i decided to keep my smart-ass mouth shut.

i motioned for ryan cabrera to come over to us and then pointed at ms. k. he looked at me like he was confused. so i did it again. he hopped off his stool and stumbled his way over to us. ms. k told him he looked like ryan and that she wanted to get her picture taken with him. he claimed to be too cool to know who we were talking about but agreed to pose anyway. then he stood there for a few seconds and we smiled and said thanks and sent him on his way. that's when this crazy insane chick made her way up to the bar and talked to ms. k for like an hour. we heard about her drug habit, life on welfare, her two kids, with two different dads, and the third guy she was about to marry, how she was adopted, and several other things that i zoned out on. the crazies sure love us. i texted ms. k and told her to make crazy go away. at this point we came to the conclusion that we were completely loaded. i think it hit us when we both looked down and saw that we had a new set of beads on and neither one of us had any idea where they came from. granted we weren't as drunk as the insane blonde girl who was climbing on the bar and reaching across to the bartender, trying to undress him. but all the same, we thought it was best to stop drinking and track down some lunch.

i suggested walking up the street to see if josh was working. ms. k said she was up for it so we headed down the block. once i told her what part of town it was in she told me it was a good thirty minute walk and that maybe we should pass. i thought it was closer than it was, so we just gave up and headed back the other way. fifteen minutes and several blocks later, we ended up right next door to where we started. we're awesome. so we order some nachos and water and sat there in our drunken fog hoping to sober up. it never really happened. i suggest calling ms. b to see if she wanted to meet up with us after work. she said that she was in, but we were to stay where we were and she would come get us since we were drunk. she we made our way back to the car and decided to take a nap while we were waiting out the hour. ms. k threw her keys into the back because she was worried about getting in trouble form dunk driving. i was sad because i wanted to hear some music. she fell asleep and i just sat there feeling too odd about sleeping in a parking lot in the middle of the day.

cut to a knock on the window and me realizing that i was sound asleep. hehe. ms. b found us and was laughing at our sad sight. she had tried to call me three times and i never answered the phone. so we loaded into her car and headed off for some food. we filled her in on our day and she kept laughing at us. we stumbled our way into the restaurant, still wearing all our beads and flashing pins, and ordered a ton of food. rick was working so i was glad that i could make a bang up impression on him again. me, half asleep, half sober, wearing all my beads and my "i love ms. b" post-it note that she stuck to me when we sat down. two of her friends happened to be there as well drinking and they made their way over to say hi for a bit. my post-it note was a big hit.

after dinner ms. b took us back to the car and we said our goodbyes. ms. k then dropped me off and i wasn't quite sure if i was sober yet or not. i was worn out, that much i knew. i watched some will & grace, and then took an hour nap. i woke up to find empire records on tv. that made me smile, we had a great day together and then i ended up watching one of the movies that reminds me a lot of her. i think it's just because we spent one summer watching it close to one hundred times. i couldn't have asked for a better day. we talked about a lot of stuff and it just felt good for us to finally clear a lot of things up. and i was just happy that i could finally be myself around someone who has meant the world to me for over twenty years.

i felt happy. and i felt loved. it doesn't get much better than that.

three years ago tomorrow

a repost of sorts:

(in honor of the drunken mess that will soon follow)

so the best friend and i decided to fly out to chicago to visit my friends for st. patrick's day. can you believe that it's next to impossible to find green beer in the windy city? you big city folk don't have that? that's all the rage back on the farm.

green food coloring + ANY beer = green beer, not a complicated recipe.

that was sadly disappointing. we spent a good chunk of our day crammed into a jetta looking for, "the best place to party."

me: if it has beer and sweet music i'll be happy.

jeannie: no, i want to find someplace sweet. it's not every day you party in chicago.

me: yeah, but our flight leaves in two days. could we maybe find a bar today?

slowly and surely we made our way closer to the burbs. closer to their place. closer to where we started, several hours earlier in the day.

ms. k: honestly, if it's got four walls and a ceiling and the beer is flowing, we'll be happy.

so we found this cool little bar in an apartment complex. it looked like an old ski lodge. i thought it was pretty cool. breeder central, naturally, but cool. we went inside and there were four other people there. we decided it was early, around five or so, so we'd give it a shot. plus, as we said we weren't picky. so we all hit up the restrooms, hello several ours in a car. then we made our way to a table and ordered beer. lots of beer.

us: green beer?

server: nope.

us: and why would you? i mean you wouldn't want to be the only place in all of chicago serving it.

so we drank. a lot. and then ordered like three more pitchers. i did my typical find the cute straight guys and then make them think my friends are easy and interested. jeannie and ms. k ended up on this stage doing karaoke. i sat at the table and laughed at with them.

after asking for our bill, discovering that the place didn't accept credit cards, and trying to get enough money together, we headed home. the entire drive i kept turning the seat warmer on ms. k's side up to five. did i mention that i have stealth like abilities?

ms. k: why is my ass on fire?!

me: giggle. giggle.

ms. k: J!

this went on for at least half an hour. and not once did she see me bump her up to five. the entire trip we had been singing enrique iglesias' "escape" however i made up my own words. it had just come out then, and it was on the chicago/st. patrick's day mix i made. me once again taking control of the music at all times. feel free to sing along...

"you can run you can hide, but you can't escape butt love."

yes i'm juvenile. and yes it's infectious.

as we made our way back to the apartment, i told jeannie that ms. k was all too familiar with the subject of the song. just as she was screaming out, "i've never been fucked in the ass!", we turned the corner and discovered a little kid and his mother standing there carrying a laundry basket.

ms. k: oh, sorry about your kid.

jeannie and i both pretended to be shocked and outraged at ms. k's potty mouth. she already felt like an ass, we were just adding more fuel to the fire.

ms. k: guys, seriously why was there a little kid out at two in the morning. i think hearing that was the least of his troubles.

-----

i think about that story every year. this year we're heading out a little later, hey we're old. the plan is to head downtown around 8am and track down some beads and green beer. this year it's just me and ms. k, but i'm sure we'll be able to scare up some trouble.

saturday.

i met up with B for some dinner and pre-bar drinks. on my way to meet him G called to inform me that josh was having a birthday get-together at the bar and he invited us. the fact that he remembered my name, and extended the invitation, put a smile on my face. i called B to see if he was interested and he said that sounded good to him. so we sat and drank at the restaurant and waited for G to meet up with us. she tried her best to con one of us into driving. driving her meant the half hour return trip north to take her home at the end of the night, so we stood strong. we ended up following one another downtown to the bar. G wanted to go see her girlfriend meghan at the other bar first, but B and i weren't in the mood to bar hop, so again we stood our ground. we decided that G has a crush on meghan. G said she just liked her because she gives her free shots.

so in we walked and i felt like a celebrity, and a little creeped out at the same time. the bar is really small so the moment you open the door all eyes turn towards you and size you up. much to our surprise G found someone that she knew, two seconds into the bar. i'm forever impressed by her social skills. so B and i hauled our ditched selves over to the bar and ordered some drinks. we stood and watched the two random people dancing and tried our best to yell over the music.

i guess the guy G knew told her that he knew me. that i hated him. that he was afraid of me because i wanted to kick his ass. and that he was a jerk to me before. B is at least three inches taller than me, yet this friend of G's kept calling me the tall one. i have no idea who this crazy person is. i told B that i must have an alter ego that's a total circuit boy who likes to kick some major ass. he laughed and said he could see that, since i have such the reputation for getting into bar fights.

josh came up behind me and gave me grief for, "throwing shade his way", i told him that i was sorry and i didn't even see him. i wished him a happy birthday and tried to get past the shock of him not only remembering my name but from the kiss he gave me when he walked off.

G eventually decided to join us again and we sat there screaming our conversations at one another. G and i both fell in love with the same cute boy in the striped shirt. her plan was to fall in love and run off with him that night. then she said once she saw him dance she knew she didn't have a chance with him.

we looked around and noticed this small group of what we described as junior high kids walking towards us. four girls and two guys all walking single file to the dance floor. the looked both shocked and confused as if they stumbled in the bar by pure accident. B and i decided that they were on a school trip and somehow got separated from the rest of their group. the just stood in this little group looking around for twenty minutes and then they left. it just made us laugh.

after a couple of rounds of drinks we decided to call it a night. we made our way to josh to say goodbye. he tried to keep us there a little longer. i told him happy birthday again and thanked him for the invitation. then he kissed me again, and mentioned something about mike. i really don't know what to make of the whole situation, i'll just chalk it up to him being drunk. but further investigation into the matter may be needed.

once we got outside, G asked if we could hit another bar down the street just to see if it had changed since she was last there, a few years before. we agreed headed down the street. G ordered a drink and we sat at the bar. we played the game that was on the bar, looking at pictures of naked men and trying to spot the differences between the two pictures. i had no idea that such a game even existed but apparently G is a skilled master at it. after about ten rounds i too became a pro. B was better at it but we kept losing him to the ms. pac-man game that was behind us.

B eventually called it a night. we said our goodbyes, G finished her drink, and we made our way to the car too. G was dying for a pizza so we ordered on from the best italian place on earth and headed that way. we waited in the car, watched even more snow fall, and finally made our way inside. she got her pizza, gave me a kiss goodnight, then we parted. i got five hours of sleep and spent the rest of sunday in a fog.

friday.

after lunch and some shopping with the mom, ms. k picked me up and we headed to the movies. a litmus test of how to tell a person is a good friend: you get in the car with them, a song is on the radio, you hear twenty seconds of that song and not a single other one for the next 5+ hours. she talked, i talked, neither one of us could shut up. we couldn't even make it through the previews without talking. we decided to go with constantine. i saw half the movies playing, she saw the other half, and she wanted to find one that was new to both of us. so constantine it was. i told her that if it was as bad jeepers creepers 1&2 then she was no longer allowed to select the movie. lucky for her, we both really liked it. louis stevens was too funny. the special effects were impressive without getting in the way of the story. even robot keanu seemed a little more life-like in this movie, he must be a newer updated version.

i laugh to myself every time i'm around ms. k. it never fails, a thought pops into my head and seconds later i hear it coming out of her mouth. all through the movie i was craving chips and salsa. i was still a little stuffed from my salad at lunch so i let her pick the restaurant since i didn't plan on eating much. strangely enough she went with chili's because she was hungry for some chips and salsa. we sat and talked forever about soaps (she watches GH and i somehow land on AMC at least once a week, i blame it on my rebecca budig crush), our favorite disney channel shows (we're both addicted to that's so raven), her engagement, the latest on all our friends. by the time we finally stood up i could feel all the food we just inhaled pulling me that much closer to the ground.

on the ride home we talked about our LOST theories, how the BK commercial with darius rucker makes us sad, and our plans for st. patrick's day. we have no idea what we're doing but we'll both be drunk together by 10 a.m. somewhere in the state of ohio.

it's funny how i resisted coming out to ms. b and ms. k for so long because i was worried that it would change the dynamics of our friendships. i'm closer to them than i am to anyone else in my life and i just wasn't able to face the possibility that things might change between us. keeping such a huge part of who you are from the people who are supposed to matter the most to you, in a way, makes the value you put on the relationship seem insincere. i didn't really have a problem telling other friends and people in my life, that aren't as close to me, i guess because if i lost them it would seem less severe. the reality of it all was that i spent a huge amount of my time fearing something that never ended up happening. after i told ms. b that i kept it from her for so long because i was afraid of losing her, she went out of her way to prove to me that things were exactly the same between us, and always would be. the same with ms. k, we're still just as insane as ever when it's just the two of us. and i still laugh so hard that i can't even breathe. nothing changed that. we're still us, and i'm happy about that.

[more random typed words]

this is me, mr. snow from way back, so beyond over this snow.

is it odd that i'm a little jealous of that lohan whore, because i want to be fondled by bruce willis?

her: that was N, she just passed away.
me: oh, man i'm sorry.
her: i know, and i really wanted to go to dinner tonight!
me: um...

i wonder if dinner and a movie will involve some mad making out?
i wonder if wondering that, makes me a slut?

fioana apple - oh well. i'm in love.

three of my friends got engaged within the last four months. is it wrong that i'm hardcore campaigning for the slot of ring bearer in just one wedding? i mean come on, how much would that rawk?

i've decided that if it were possible to have my nomad physically grafted to my body i would. i came to that decision when i realized i was using it while brushing my teeth. hey, it would solve the problem of my inability to make normal small talk. if someone tried to talk to me i'd just smile, point to my ear buds, and mouth "sorry".

[capt. obvious]

me: that's like saying i'll take carol channing for the center square.
the boy: you are so, so gay.
me: me, what, huh?

[fairy tale]

once upon a time.

there was me. there was you. there was us.

that night. the kiss. the feel. the touch. you took my sweatshirt because you were cold. i took your ring, because i was falling for you.

a different night. in a bar. a hand reaching out. is that a ring on your necklace? missing you in that moment. remembering another night. beer. a forgotten id. driving all the way back home, you not caring at all. foosball in the room upstairs. songs on the juke box played below.

that floor, another floor. making black marks on a wall in an effort to turn out the lights with our shoes. too drunk to stand.

missing you. missing potential. missing the water's edge.

i've known you for 13 years, i knew you for 3.

you can't go back, no matter how tight you close your eyes. no matter how hard you click your feet together. no matter how much you want to.

[wednesday, bad]

D and i decided to run to the restaurant/bar across the street from work. we usually hit it up on mondays, but we missed out this week so we shot for wednesday. apparently it's an entirely different place depending on what day of the week you check it out.

we parked in back and made our way through the bar that was packed. we looked around, then looked at one another and shrugged. so we walked over to the restaurant side to see if there were any open tables. we found one by the door and sat down. slowly the place began to clear out as we placed our order, the usual BLTs, yum. mine minus the mayo, D's with extra, yuck.

after we sat there for about twenty minutes, waiting on our food and me plowing through three iced teas, i saw D's face light up at something behind me. "just wait," she said as i gave her a questioning look. in walked this lady in a bright blue moo-moo, bright red hair, blue tinted sunglasses, and the darkest red lipstick i've ever seen. it was so noticeable because it was all over her face. lipstick, no longer just for your lips. she was interesting, but i didn't give her much thought after the initial shock. i tried to slide over a bit so i didn't have to make eye contact with her, since she was sitting behind D.

so we went back to our conversation and we heard this loud beeping noise. D jumped and i told her it was moo-moo's phone. she got a text message, looked down at her phone, and began to cackle like a mad woman. nervously i looked away. then we heard this loud sniffing noise coming from crazy. D looked at me and whispered, "what is that?" i just shrugged. after about the fourth time D said it sounded like the noise a bus makes when it's doors open and close. we laughed, i choked on my tea, and crazy lady gave me the stink eye.

so this went on for like fifteen minutes. loud beep, chuckle, long sniff. loud beep, chuckle, long sniff. our food arrived, minus the pickle on the side. i was ready to walk. our waitress asked us how everything was, we said fine. "but i didn't get my pickle," i whispered as she walked off. i was sad. by the time we were ready to leave i was pretty sure that moo-moo was really a man. i was hoping anyway, because she wasn't a very pretty lady. D had some sort of allergic reaction to her food. she sneezed ten times in a row and her eyes began to water. we took that as our sign to leave.

we left our money and headed back through the bar side. D was creeped out and was hauling it out of that place. the hostess stopped us and said, "just two today?" "we already ate!" D yelled running off, "we're just trying to get out of this place!" i just smiled, nodded and said, "yeah."

i had another coughing attack in the parking lot as we got into D's car. we laughed the whole way back to work, and decided that we were never going back, on a wednesday.

[inferno v. 2.0]

dear mtv,

in anticipation of your latest version of the inferno i thought i'd give you my thoughts, since i know you've been waiting to hear from me. so here goes...

"the bad asses"

abe: is he still cutting himself?
beth: well, someone has to go home first.
ct: thank you. seriously, thank you.
dan: sweet, hopefully he'll get some air time, his commentary was hilarious on your one special.
derrick: next.
karamo: maybe he'll be moody and distant and tell everyone that he's not your normal run of the mill homo.
rachel: again?
tina: i love her, i wanna see her beat someone's ass.
tonya: i wonder if she'll be slutty and dramatic, for a change.
veronica: see rachel above, but with much more hate.

"the good guys"

brad: poor brad, i wonder if he's still pissed?
darrell: yawn.
jamie: hey! weren't you on that one episode of real world san diego?
jodi: wow these good guys are harder to write about.
jon: you're kidding right? is there some sort of huge market for retarded cowboys in reality tv? didn't you lose on big brother 5? oh, you're the other cowboy of reality tv? my bad.
julie: what the?!? how can she be a good guy? she tried to murder someone, granted it was just veronica, but still. i wonder if she still has horse teeth?
landon: *insert eyeroll*
mike: i liked him better when he was all crazy and coral talked him down from his mental breakdown.
robin: yay! like i always say you can't go wrong with a girl with gigantic boobies. i love her.
shavonda: i really wanted to like her on real world philly style, i really did. to be honest i was hoping for sarah, because she rawks.

[felicity]

in honor of season 4 coming out on dvd this tuesday, i thought i'd do yet another felicity tribute with the best of the best season:


felicity, interrupted & back to the future

1. my favorite. the way it all ended. the memory tree. hearing the exact same azure ray song that was played in the very first episode. all the flashbacks really made you see how she could be in love with both boys. i get a tiny tear in my eye every time i see the tree and the candle wax. when she reaches in her pocket and pulls out that magic eight ball keyring, i'm toast.


a perfect match

2. this one is a close second. the silent scene between felicity and ben when they're in the hospital waiting on ben's parents to come out of surgery is my favorite scene of any felicity episode. watching the gang walk back from the dance as the snow begins to fall is a favorite too. the way noel distances himself from the others as they walk says so much more than any dialogue ever could.


fire

3. i love this episode because it's all about felicity and noel. he decides that they need space in order for him to move on with his life, and accept the fact that she chose ben. he plans on never seeing her again, the building they're both in catches on fire, and he saves her. it takes almost losing one another for them to find their way back to one another.


time will tell

4. this one was amazing because it was so unexpected. i remember watching the episode right before this one and wondering what was left to resolve. they graduated, they moved away from one another, the show was over. and then this one started with elana's death, one of meghan's spells, and a trip back in time. suspended reality, what j.j. abrams does best.


oops...noel did it again

5. felicity's birthday. the sled. and everyone finds out that felicity and noel slept together at the end of the summer. it's funny, it's sad, it's classic felicity.

[i]

think things to death. stupid silly things, like what shirt to wear can take me hours. but i can decide to quit a job in a matter of seconds.

do stupid things like drink too much.

shut people out of my life without the slightest hesitation.

am loyal to a fault and expect the same in return.

still don't know what i want to do with my life, and i doubt i ever will.

have an addictive personality. listening to a new song a million times in a row can't be normal behavior.

have a weird attraction towards kelly clarkson.

can't roller skate, or blade, ditto for ice skating.

have always wanted to ride a horse, but i'm sure i'd punk out if i had the chance to.

have seen the atlantic ocean, but got cold feet when you gave me the chance to see the pacific. and coldplay.

fall in love with the character in any book, tv show, or movie that most people hate. the troublemaker who does all the wrong things for all the right reasons.
-sydney melrose place
-gina santa barbara (if you know her, i so love you)

am insecure.

have bursts of being shallow.

get all gooey in the knees when someone makes me a mix cd.

dreamed, as a little kid, of a future where i traveled around the country writing, living out of a suitcase, going from job to job in state after state.

spend too much of my time missing people.

tend to live in the past and measure too much of the present with things from my past.

hate talking on the phone.

love being alone in my car with the windows down and the music up very very loud.

want a dog.

and a baby.

hate that my sister lives so far away.

hate that you call me and ask me to hang out like it's not a big deal, when we all know that it is.

love my amazing, and insane, friends and wonder what one thing i did right to deserve them. even the ones who live in far off places like college park and brisbane.

[this blows]

i'm sad.

every time i turn on the tv i see darius rucker, aka hootie, trying to sell me a burger king sandwich. darius, if i would have know you were that hard up the last time i saw you at that free concert at the county fair i would have gladly paid for my ticket. especially if it would have meant keeping you from totally selling out. and not in that "cool" way others do by providing one of their songs for background music in a car ad, no you took it a step further and actually appeared in yours. and did you throw away your dignity free of charge by agreeing to wear that 1950s cowboy outfit? oh hootie, my heart hurts.

[change]

people change every day, often in such small unnoticeable ways. 19 years later, as you slam into that painful brick wall now suddenly thrown on the path you were coasting down, you wonder who he even is. you give, you gave, too many sacrifices to count, sacrifices you would never dream of totaling up. you love, and you loved. it was never a question. it was never a matter of how much or what was asked, you loved and for you that was enough.

then his face becomes one you no longer recognized. and you find strength in the most random of places. a stranger stops you and tells you that you will be fine, how could they even know?

i think about you and all that was. how you could ask for so much, and give very little in return. you got what you wanted for as long as you needed it, and when you were done you weren’t quite sure where to sweep the left over pieces. you warned me long before that when things fall apart you run, you don’t deal, you don’t do confrontation, you simply run. that should have been warning enough, but you know me, i have the habit of choosing to see what i want and ignoring all the rest. maybe it’s a case of arrogance, seeing how it is with you and everyone else. thinking that it could never be that way with us. but it was that day. you can’t live you life for your friends. the irony of that makes me want to vomit. people fuck up all the time. you fucked up a lot. so why can’t you look past one bad night and see the million other good ones? because they thought for you? you changed your mind in that one hour. it went from things need to change, to things are over. i’m not stupid, i know where all of that came from. and i’m not saying that i wasn’t wrong, but i am saying that i deserved a little more.

that night, that couch. the crowd. the texts. laughing, screaming to hear over the music. the walk afterwards. the pizza. if all we had was just one night, i would pick that moment. it was perfection played out before me. it was what i dreamed up long before the hug.

how did you make it work? how can you be surprised when you hear that people are drifting apart? when that’s all i see. things don’t last, i get that, why don’t you? you are so fatalistic when it comes to everything else, why not with love? it’s what keeps me awake at night. it’s that fear, that doubt, that stops me when i see a smile from across the room. a number given is a number lost. why pretend that it won’t end in heartbreak and tears? why pretend that it won’t end?

[my body is a wonderland]

my throat is sore.

60s to 20s to 60s to 20s, and a weekend of partying is to blame i suppose.

my heart is full.

i opened up. i let you in. all this time i spent fearing that you'd run. i always fear that. but you stayed. you reached out. you love. and i smile.

my head is floating.

one of the best weekends of my life. of course i would follow that up with a night of unexplained melancholy. chalk it up to my chicken little syndrome. perhaps one day the sky truly will fall and i'll take comfort in knowing i was right all along. someday.

my eyes are wandering.

i want to move, to a delux apartment in the sky. or a loft with exposed brick. or a house in the country. i tend to have problems with the making of the decisions. i want a new job. i want to go back to school. i don't know what i want, other than a fresh start.

my skin is cold.

i want some sunshine. i want some warm air. windows down, my latest obsession blaring on the radio. and flip flops, sweet sweet flip flops.

listening to:
you say . vertical horizon
(i forgot how amazing that song is)