flip-flops were not a good idea

as i hit end on my cell and took off down the road to meet up with B i thought to myself, "i really don't feel like going out tonight." then i thought, "how old have i become that a night in, alone, is preferred to going out and being crazy?"

later on, as the night was winding down, i felt a shift in how things could be between us. there didn't have to be an end to us, just an end to who we used to be. i was okay with that, happy even. clarity comes in the most random of places.

then i looked down at the speedometer to make sure we were still going 35 since the city was crawling with cops. then i looked up at B's car in front of me to make sure he was still within sight. the next few minutes passed by in what felt like two seconds. i saw lights appear behind me from out of nowhere. i heard a loud pop. i attempted to think, "WTF?", but only got "what the..." out. my car spun around twice as i tried my best to get the breaks to work, without much luck. i felt the tilt to one side and resigned myself to the fact that the car was about to tip over. it didn't, and no one was really sure how that was possible. i've never really had anything that scary happen to me before.

an hour later, as we were standing in the cold as it started to rain, we waited for a tow-truck to arrive. once again B took on the roll of the white knight, asking all the obvious questions that i was unable to ask. i was still in shock. i had a hard time wrapping my mind around the thought of someone slamming into me, hard enough to send me spinning, at twice the speed that i was going with a car that was half the size of mine. i thought about how minutes earlier B was yelling at me to get back out of the street as i made my way to the car that slammed into me. B was worried that i was going over to let the guy have it, when i was just attempting to get his license plate number in case he took off. the guy just sat in his seat, wasted, unable to talk or answer anyone that was talking to him. i walked back over to my car and stood there with B, waiting. i looked down at my wet feet and the water that seemed to be crawling up the bottom several inches of my pants and said to B, "clearly flip-flops were not the smartest choice for this evening."

a lot of good stuff took place in the middle of all that. it's all a little hard to focus on at this point. but maybe that's for the best. maybe the important parts are what stand out. from 3am riding in B's car listening to fountains of wayne, to this morning when i was telling the story again to the insurance people, it all seemed more like a dream than anything else. i was reliving someone else's reality though a story i was telling.

we had a reconnection of sorts. i fell in love with the past. felt good about certain choices. saw someone as the person they are, or the person they've become, rather than the object of my affection. laughed, shared, got a little more below the surface in understanding the people we've both become.

i liked it when he said, "there comes a time when you have to stop worrying so much about everyone else and start living your life how you want to live it. people don't care about what you're doing or what you are half as much as you worry they do." then he smiled and said, "but i don't have to tell you that. you get that."

i thought to myself, that yeah i do get that, first the first time in my thirty years i really do.

tid bits

saw the upside of anger. i liked it. i wish there was a little more focus on the daughters and less on kevin costner, but it was still enjoyable.

plans with B tomorrow night. i'm looking forward to some good old-fashioned trouble.

my sister's coming to town at the end of next week for a week long visit. felicity, ice cream, and late nights will soon follow.

seeing ryan adams for the first time, in under a week. i can't wait, i'm fearing the concert curse, but i can't wait.

in response to the preview for this week's 20/20: rudy huxtable in porn? WTF?

i need to pick up the new ben folds.

in retrospect

*another felicity post

i keep finding episodes of felicity i've forgotten all about. they wind up book-ending the favorite episodes that i could never shake from my head.

julie is annoying. how she treats sean just sucks. i have no idea why i was mad when they sent her packing. i really don't.

and don't get me started on molly.

ruby is a good for noel. if he couldn't have felicity, then he should have made his way back to her, not zoe. and i love, "noel & ruby's theme", even when it's later used for ben and his daddy drama.

and i love the way meghan slowly and FINALLY makes her way into the group in season 2. the aretha theory is brilliant. and final answer, with the kiss is a major payoff.

the rescue blues

i should be tired. i worked fourteen hours straight yesterday, slept 4 hours, somehow woke up after missing my alarm, and then went to the doctor's office.

but somehow i'm not.

i think about why we are the way we are, and the damage that we do to one another. simple, effortless, but the kind of pain that can bring you to your knees. when you care about someone you want to try and sort it all out. take a look at what's wrong and try to find a way past the messy pratfalls.

but somehow i don't.

i guess the flip-side to that coin is that once you know someone long enough, well enough, you know what they're capable of. and what they are not. you know their strengths and their weaknesses. and as much as you want them to change, you want this time to be different, in your heart you know that they're just not capable of it. you know the person they are, and the person they're not. no matter how much you tried to pretend in the past.

it sucks to always feel like there's just that one tiny thing missing. that one thing you can't seem to figure out, or put your finger on. but you know that it's there, or not rather, and you still are unsure of how to find it. or where to even look.

maybe my problem is that i foolishly look for it in the eyes of everyone else around me, when i should be looking inside. i should have been looking inside all along.

i'm happy. but i'm hurt. and i know that i should try to find a way to get past this, that i should want to move on.

but somehow i don't.

useless desires

i keep thinking about that night. i was in my bed, wide awake, freaking out. it was when i had my bed shoved up against the wall in the corner. i was lying face down, with my head in a pillow. i wished that the dark space between the bed and the wall was a black hole, and that it would swallow me whole. i had just quit my third job in a six month span. my dad had died eleven months before. my attempts at being an adult were coming up short. i had no money, a car payment, and i had somehow racked up $10,000 in debt. i could feel my heart beating so hard i thought it was going to burst out of my chest. i couldn't breathe. i wanted to crawl out of my skin, my body, and be someone else. anyone else. i was stuck and i knew it. i also knew i had no one to blame but myself. so i went back, back to the beginning, back to where i started.

i remember the day i left there. it felt so good. i was happy. one week earlier, i called T and told her that i was quitting that very moment. i told her before i told anyone else. i gave them my two week notice, and took week two as my last few vacation days that were owed to me. it was sunny and warm out. i got in my car, put my sunglasses on, popped in a mix tape and drove off. knowing that my decision was the right one. no questions, no doubt. certainty, a rare thing in my life. it felt good to see the place i was leaving growing smaller and smaller in the rear-view mirror.

so i went back. back to the place i used to dream burned down. back to the last place i ever thought i'd see again. same pay, same everything from when i left two years before.

and my temporary solution to digging my way out of debt has somehow become the last five years of my life.

i don't know where all of the time went. i don't know how i remained there this long. i suppose when you just give up you can talk yourself into doing just about anything. you can let time pass you by because you're in no way living, i guess you're just surviving. maybe it's because the dreams you had for your life when you were young didn't exactly pan out the way you thought they would. and being so easily discouraged, you just stop trying.

five days, every week

wake up before alarm. set alarm for twenty minutes later. drift off, wake up again. get out of bed. walk to the bathroom. turn water on, sleep for fifteen more minutes. worry about the day before it's even begun. get in the shower. get out of the shower. dry off. brush teeth. walk back to bedroom. get dressed. back to bathroom, put gel in hair. throw lunch together. grab wallet, watch, phone. head out the door. start car. music up, way up. sunglasses on. let out a sigh, drive to work. think back to summers of unemployment. turn left, right, right, left, right, left, left, right, left, right. somewhere in there have a minor panic attack and feel like you're gonna cry. curse dennis for taking your parking spot. wait for the song to end, stalling, then walk across parking lot. think to yourself twenty times, "i can't believe this is my life, i can't believe this is my life." smile when you see lisa. roll eyes at janitor evil. wonder if HR is really sleeping with the "manager", manager in name only. deal with the dumbest people on the face of the earth. mean people. people who can't grasp simple functions like pushing start on a copier. people in the same clothes each time you see them. people missing far too many teeth. see joe, think dirty dirty things. sit down. drink V8 for breakfast. talk tv with p. get molested by supposed authority figure. make audible gagging noises in an effort to make her realize how creeped out you are. wonder why so many people suck, hardcore. make lists. write notes. anything to escape from the boredom, even if only for a few minutes. look at clock, go to lunch. drive to mcdonald's to order iced tea. kick around the idea of not going back to work. smile at lilian as you hand her the dollar fifty. check out cute boys at the car wash. drive back to work. text friends back. eat. return to work. wonder how time stops every day at four. wonder if the clock even goes to five. finally RUN to your car to get as far away as possible. start car. music up, way up. head home. already begin to dread the following day.

lather, rinse, repeat. something like that.

wurd

O

bleed like me

M

behind these hazel eyes

G

the special two

favorite

wow. i LOVE this cd.

it usually takes me a few spins to love any cd this much, but i was sold after only one listen. this shall be my spring cd. windows down. music way up. angry. poppy. loud. shirley.

this is my favorite kind of weather. hoodies and flip flops, the way god intended.

i was sad because i missed one of my top 10 favorite felicity episodes last night on WE. then i remembered, um, i have the dvds.

bleed like me . garbage

hot chocolate

i'm not sure how we ended up under that bridge, down by the water. the merry band of misfits, misfit toys, something like that. my attempts at being less awkward. my newfound sense of high self-esteem that you said suited me so well. you, the first time out of your house actually doing things at night with friends. ms. k was there simply because we were the only two without curfews at seventeen. and D, the on again off again chase that was our senior year. best friends who became more who became so much less. i regret everything about the turns our relationship took. i was still trying to figure out who i was, and none of that ever should have involved you. the irony of it all was that i was sorting through everything with him there with me. i guess i was transferring all that i felt for him onto D. trying to make D, in my mind, everything that he wasn't. i'd spend my days angry with D for what we didn't have, what i thought i wanted. and then at night all i could do was think about rob. what a joke.

so there we were under the bridge in the dark, listening to the train rumble by, above our heads. me in my black leather biker jacket and fake glasses. forever cursing my 20/20 vision, jealous of all my other friends who wore glasses. the steep incline of the concrete as we tried to make our way up it. sliding back down, tearing open the palm of my right hand. laughing at how stupid the four of us were. eventually we ended up back in a car, i don't remember which one of us drove. but we found a cute boy at a stop light and decided to follow him around town. we lived in such a small town that when a random cute stranger popped up i guess it wasn't something you wanted to let slip away. he eventually caught on to us as his black jeep began to speed up. we refused to let him go as we ran a red light to keep up with him. of course he was going to the new under 21 dance club that opened up in the strip mall that fall. we found ourselves brave enough to get out of the car and walk up to him to find out more about him. i asked him what he was drinking from his thermos, "hot chocolate" he answered. we laughed and walked away.

it was inevitable for us to be let down by the moment when we actually got to talk to him. the mystery of who he was and excitement of what would come of our encounter could never live up to what we anticipated as we chased after him.

when friendships end it's the stupid random stories like that that you find yourself holding onto.

hurricane . mindy smith

the people we become

i remember knowing you for what seemed like all of my life.

inseparable. insane.

i wanted to be a photographer, you a DJ.

that tiny little blue desk in your bedroom that no one would be able to fit their legs under. that was where you did you homework you explained.

we weren't allowed to get sprinkles on our ice cream when your dad treated. he also tricked us into believing we were playing a game as we made our way to the private park, through the back field, hopping over the fence, never paying. we never were allowed to play in one place for very long, "gotta keep moving," he'd tell us.

drinking in lion's park before we headed off to the eric's party. me shutting my fingers in the door. the window was rolled down, naturally i mistook my car for a convertible. good thing i was drunk.

that high speed chase in your dad's insanely expensive sports car, i guess that's why he was stingy with the sprinkles, he was saving up for the car. the girls screaming. us laughing. me thinking quietly to myself, so this is how i'll die.

our water fights with jules at lunch. once a week, as the monitor looked away, shaking his head. learning the combinations to all our friends' lockers, then swapping all their belongings with someone else, once a week.

saying goodbye to you as you left for miami.

the summer parties at your house that we all lived for. thoughts of them were what got us through the semesters. me passing out on your trampoline, face down because it was cold. mindo passing out on the piano bench, falling and landing on her head. the following day when one of her pupil's was twice the size of the other one. G backing over your mailbox, that your parents custom ordered. the community vodka bottle that survived an entire summer with us, constantly changing hands.

seeing so much of your dad in you at our ten year reunion. we laughed, we reminisced. but from eighteen to twenty-eight we went from being friends to strangers. i laughed at your jokes, you laughed at my stories. but i could see the look on your face as you stood there wondering where you friend went. i was thinking the same thing.

we never really know where any of our choices will lead us. it's impossible to guess who we'll still know five years from any one point in our life. and who will become just another character in the stories we like to tell.

become you . indigo girls

face time

ms. b. luigi's. death by carbs.

ms. b sent the bread back, fearing the pasta sauce on it was really blood. we saw christian from clueless, a lady wearing her house slippers, and what could only be described as a prostitute. a prostitute who looked like she worked for quarters. the bar got shot down, neither one of us was in the mood. she took me through the ghetto, told me to lock the doors. drove under the bridge that so many people jump from. found our way to wal-mart. i'm always scared when i set foot in a wal-mart. ms. b said she's protect me as she wrapped her arm in mine. the wal-mart by us looks like the place that time forgot. you can people-watch for days at the trainwrecks that inhabit that place. we played with star wars toys. dug through a never ending bin of $5 dvds. i found pump up the volume for her, girl, interrupted and the muppets take manhattan for me. she looked at shoes. i did my best to get her to buy the hooker pumps that i found. i was shot down. we looked at cds, got creeped out by at least five people, made our purchases and left as they were closing. i was forced to listen to nelly and tim mcgraw against my will. we chilled at her place and played the videos ondemand. rocked out to some kelly c. laughed at the mullet nick gave the victim on what not to wear. and headed home a little after 2am. i'm slowly easing into the new us, and it feels right.

rough around the edges . teitur

go grandma

D: you won't believe what we found when we were cleaning out his mom's place.
me: please tell me you found porn.
D: porn doesn't even begin to describe it!
P: what?!
me: nice.
D: it was all kinds of people doing every thing you could imagine.
me: shut. up.
D: i couldn't believe my eyes.
me: that's awesome.
D: i could bring it in if you wanna see.
me: no i'm good, thanks.

she gets the feeling . jude

"i've got a story, like everyone..."

lil' sis: felicity is on WE again!
me: i know. i can't help but watch it, even though all four seasons are sitting right there.

ms. k: who did felicity end up with?
me: why? are you taking the EW pop culture quiz without me?!!?
ms. k: no i'm watching it, it's on WE again.
me: oh, me too. in that case just keep watching, you'll find out in about 65 more episodes.

i wonder why everyone keeps texting me about felicity?
in watching season 1 again, back to back not just random episodes, i'm remembering how great of a season it was. i still say 4 was the best, but 1 is really re-growing on me.

--

i couldn't help but smile as i turned the corner and R.E.M.'s electron blue began to play on the radio, the guy speed-walking on the sidewalk was swinging his arms in perfect time with the beat.

--

garbage is actually coming to ohio. i finally allowed myself to spend more money on concert tickets, after talking myself out of seeing the killers. and i can't find a single person interested in going.

love

felicity back on WE
[even with all four seasons on dvd i can't help but watch it]

ashes . embrace
[so infectious that you will play it again, as soon as it ends]

amanda peet, i want to see this

[i miss jack & jill]

mrs. sloane, willage, and spymommie are all coming back to alias
[rawk!]

VH1, the new home of music?
[how novel]

phil of the future on disney

[this is my new favorite show]

summer viewing: wonderfalls, brak, and everwood season 1 on dvd
[make the snow stop]

seth meyers on SNL

[i'm seriously hardcore crushing on him]

anomaly

i had my, what feels like, weekly appointment with good dr. v today. i wasn't really sure if i was supposed to feel honored or embarrassed when he told me that he presented my case at a meeting he had at johns hopkins. i'm such the unique one. he's ever stumped by my condition, and the long road i've been traveling on. one of my favorite games thus far has been the, "here take this and see if it makes you vomit" one. so today i went back for round two of, "we don't really know anything but thanks for driving the thirty minutes it takes to get here so i can talk to you for five minutes and then send you on your way." hopefully specialist number three will finally be able to put an end to all of this.

the girls are bickering and i'm trying my best to stay out of it. i find myself in the middle a lot these days. the girls, work, B. most of the time i can see both sides, but i'd really rather not be on either one.

we had some really nice and warm, weather all week. now the weekend promises to bring us some more snow.

i want to see the upside of anger for no other reason than to see my keri on the big screen. two hours of kevin costner is enough to make you want to jump out a window on the second floor, breaking both your legs, landing on a pile of broken glass, and slowly bleeding to death, so we'll see.