i know she'll look at this as a betrayal, an act of desertion. she tends to make everything about her, and how it affects her, and what will change for her. but i think this could be a good thing, a very good thing. you can only bend for so long until you feel yourself begin to splinter, you know a complete break isn't far off. and it's true, i know i can't live myself for other people. i'm on pause, i'm going no where through my own efforts, or general lack thereof. i can't place the blame on anyone else, no matter ho much i'd like to, no matter how easy it is. my only fear is that i take this turn, something will go wrong, and i won't be able to bounce back from it. people tell me i'm stronger than i think i am, but at times i wonder. i know how fragile my mental state has been these past few weeks. i can take a step back and see these changes in me. i have no idea how any of it came to be, but it's there. i can see my dad in so much of me lately, and i guess it scares me a little bit. no that he wasn't a good man, it's just that for so reason i only seem to be calling on the negative aspects of his personality for mine, and not the stronger better ones, and i guess that's what has me worried. it's a lot more work, and it's a lot harder work, and i just feel that i finally need to stand up for myself and hold out for what i deserve. and not just accept things as they're being offered. i tend to make these huge life changes on a whim when it takes me an hour to decide what shirt to wear. then again, maybe i know myself better than i give myself credit for and i've known what i should do all along. it was as if i came to the point where i said that something needed to be done, and i grew to accept that and believe in it and this just happened to come along right at the moment when i made my decision. a case of serendipity.

i do find it funny that as i drove into work this morning, listening to jenny lewis, i told myself that today was the day that my life was going to change. a stuart smalley moment of my very own. and it did. an offer is on the table, and my uncle passed away. i'm still in a bit of fog over both those things.