i hid myself away from this

i guess when you're eighteen everything feels a little more dramatic than it actually is. i guess when you're eighteen and gay it's even worse. your first love. your first taste of freedom. the first time you're really drunk. yeah, none of that really helps. pearl jam's "daughter" was playing at one point on the drive down. walking into your room and seeing the cd laying there on your dresser was all i needed as a sign. this was it, this was the night my life forever changed, this was when i told you how much i loved you, how hard i fell for you a year before. so we sat, and we talked, and it was you, and it was us, great like always. grey-blue eyes, dimples, that's all i saw. you could have been limbless for all i knew at that moment, those two things were enough for me. so we were to have a talk. i wondered if your talk was the same as my talk. heart racing, an inability to focus, to concentrate. then off we were, we needed to get good and drunk first. you knew of a party or three, so we headed out. the cross-country party where only light beer was an option. miller manor, those girls made my heart stop, made me smile like a fool. here, there, and everywhere, all to avoid the conversation at hand.

it's funny how clarity comes in the days to follow, in looking back. an introduction to a random stranger, then moving on. eventually we somehow found ourselves back in your room, sitting on the bed in the dark, a small light filling the room. you stumbling down the hall to the "bar" to buy us one last drink. you buying with my money, some things never change. so the talk, it came, my head exploded, time stopped, and i had no idea what was going on or what was even being said. i heard myself say that i needed air. you offered to walk with me. i told you it would be better if you didn't. i heard the anger, the confusion in my voice. i felt the heartache and the betrayal in your words, in my heart. yet none of it was actually happening to me, at least not at that time anyway. and off i went, out the door, down two flights of stairs, and into the cool autumn air. it was dark out, i saw the street light shining on the sidewalk at the end of the block. hands thrusted into my pockets, tears rolling down my face. random stranger, nice to meet you, oh the person you're having sex with, great. in that moment i became some sort of movie cliche. i was acting out a scene from threesome, and it was beyond my control. how lame was i? it didn't hit me until a few months later. i was josh charles hiding on the roof while stephen baldwin was walking around on the streets below. so, so lame. but there i was trapped on your campus and all i wanted was a world's worth of distance between us. the one thing i couldn't find, until i could find where we parked my car. you came looking for me, you were scared, you were pissed, was that a tear in your eye? concern in your voice? it really didn't matter much at that point. i planned on telling you that i was in love with you, that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and you had no idea. and to this day you still don't. and you never will.