birthday celebration pt. 1

so thursday night, on the way to meet the work crew for dinner, i called ms. k to wish her a happy birthday, yes they seem to be going around lately. it was the longest conversation that we've had, aside from emails, since august? she seemed both happy and surprised to hear from me. i was worried about how awkward it might be as the phone was ringing, but once we said our hellos it was as if nothing had changed between us. we weren't 31, we were 18 again, and we got each other better than anyone else in our separate lives. a restart, or just thirty minutes of pretending, i guess we'll see with what comes next.

so i stood outside in the freezing cold talking to her while everyone else slowly gathered inside. we said our goodbyes, promised to hang out soon, and i met up with everyone else. a round of margaritas on an empty stomach found me feeling a little fuzzy. it also kept things light, since i was worried that D would be bitching about the whole job thing. luckily that never came up. so we sat and talked, got louder and laughed harder as our table began to fill up. at one point lisa stood up to reach for the drink menu, and the weight of her purse on the back of her seat sent the chair crashing to the floor. it was the loudest scariest echo and i couldn't stop laughing. i could feel my face instantly turn red as everyone else screamed with laughter. nothing ever embarrasses lisa, but surprisingly this did. at one point, while sucking down her second margarita, D noticed P drop some food on her lap. D then announced to our table that, "P just dropped food on her poo-tay!" she then proceeded to say poo-tay about one hundred more times. lisa yelled across the table and asked D what she ordered. D told her that she was eating a chicken caesar poo-tay, and then screamed and said, "what did i just say? i meant pita! not poo-tay!" at which point i chocked on the chips and salsa i was attempting to swallow. lisa tried to show us some sort of trick involving inter-locking hands where you aren't supposed to be able to pull your fingers apart. D tried it on me at our end of the table, but for some reason it just wasn't working. so lisa stood up and walked down to our end and tried the trick out on me. again, i was able to pull free from her grip. so D then yelled out that it wasn't working on me because were so soft. soft, like a penis. then she began to taunt me with, "you have soft penis skin for hands, for skin, foreskin!" then it was lisa's turn to choke. she went back to her end of the table and repeated it while laughing. D then yelled out for her to not say the word penis because there was a little old lady sitting directly behind her. and for some strange reason we ended up clearing out the restaurant. go figure.

i opened up my gifts, and P bought me season 1 of grey's anatomy. before i could get it open lisa was screaming out, "can i borrow it, can i borrow it?!" P's card made me laugh a lot too. she tried to write something that this little old lady said to me once, "i enjoy you." but couldn't quite remember what the woman had said. so she wrote one thing (that i was delicious), realized that it was wrong, and then wrote an obscenely long paragraph trying to explain what she was trying to say. D bought me a second drink, lisa paid for my dinner, the waitress kept giving us strange looks, we decided to call it a night, lots of hugs, more goodbyes, and then we headed home.

another year

racha ma gacha ma, the cutest thing ever without a peep,texted me. a text from ms. k. my aunt called, and sang to me. ms. b called and told me, "of course she would never forget my big day". wow, 29...again. lunch at anthe's with my mom and the sis. a card from ms. k. many texts from G. a text from nikki1, in san francisco. i got the dvd recorder, holla! hello every degrassi episode EVER, moving from DVR to DVD! my sis gave me a picture of us as wee ones that almost made me cry. roswell season 3 from my mom. yeah, good doesn't even begin to cover it.

and yes, i'm on my second roswell episode for tonight.

eight hours of, "well i'm just going to quit. i am leaving. do you know how much you screwed me?" i shudder at the visual, and i'm ready to punch her in the neck. i guess the rest of us were supposed to do what was best for her and stop being so selfish by doing what will end up being the best for us. when E came in and announced that she too put in for another job i swore it looked like her head was about to explode. well, at least now i have someone to help my share the weight of this massive guilt trip that's been coming my way for the past week now. i was too afraid to tell her that more than likely tomorrow will be my last day. that means she will have to go from doing 25% of the work to at least 75%, i feel bad leaving P alone with her now.

and speaking of tomorrow being my last day...my sister will be in town tomorrow night to help me celebrate my birthday on saturday. i'm terribly excited, well to see her not to add another year on to my age. a three day weekend, yes my birthday really is a national holiday. luigi's for pasta. a movie. pancakes. my mom's making me a cake! and i have the strangest feeling that i might be getting a dvd recorder as a gift, just call it a hunch. in all of my years on this earth i don't recall ever being surprised by my birthday giftage. i swear i don't snoop, or ask or anything, but somehow i always wind up finding out what i'm going to get before i actually open it. i'm never less grateful for any of it, it just never fails that i stumble upon some clue and two seconds later the surprise is gone.

tomorrow night is the annual birthday dinner with the work peeps, it should be exciting since D is pissed at everyone. i just have to get through eight more hours of whining and complaining tomorrow and then i'll be able to celebrate for the next three days.

the cinema

mirrormask:

B-
while it was a pretty movie to look at, quirky and funny at times, i felt it was just lacking something. the performances were strong, especially by the little girl, but it felt too much like the neverending story. and it honestly shouldn't have tried so hard to be that movie if it couldn't pull it off as well.

saw 2:

B
for the most part the movie was kind of boring. sick, icky, and twisted, but still kind of boring. the ending is what saved the entire movie. since i knew that the first installment was one of the best pull the rug out from under you kind of movies i've ever experienced, i didn't try too hard to guess the inevitable twist that i assumed this one too would offer. when the safe opened and they replayed captain crazy's instructions i couldn't help but smile at how well done that was. and shawnee smith is one of my favorites. she had me at i saw what you did and i know who you are, and i've been in love with her ever since. if she's in saw 3, she will be the only reason why i'd come back for more.

proof:

C
jake is pretty. gwynnie is pretty. the movie had several hits and misses. the scene where gwyneth reads her father's insane ramblings was enough to break my heart, but not enough to make up for all the other mess that i had to wade through. i guess i wanted a love story, and this movie really isn't one.

i don't know if i can do this.

and i don't know if it's just me doubting myself, as i always do, or if it's me knowing somewhere in the back of my mind that i'm just not capable of ever catching on. the lady who is training me to replace her told me today that she has no doubt that i can do this job. and while that was nice to hear, i can't help but feel that she's full of shit. how does she know when i don't even know?

however with all of the added stress, and all of the added work, i find myself leaving the place smiling more. crazy. it's nice to feel challenged, it's nice to feel excited about something, it's nice to actually use more than 10% of my brain for the first time in six years. so maybe i'm better off, in spite of my best efforts to convince myself otherwise. i'm definitely sure that i'm not sure about it...

"if you transfer departments i'm definitely quitting. well, i'll probably quit. i might quit. maybe i'll quit. i absolutely, probably, might quit...maybe."

i knew she'd play this card. i also know her well enough to know that she still might try to sabotage the entire move, just to keep things the way that she wants. what's best for her. for someone who forever feels the need to remind me how great of a friend she is to me, sure likes to put what's best for her first. i discussed with P today how she likes to try her reverse psychology bit on me, thinking that i'm foolish enough to change my mind into doing exactly what she wants. when the truth is i do all of the work, i run the department, i answer every single question that comes up, and she takes credit for everything. and i've known that all this time, and i know that it's my fault for putting up with it. and honestly, i never really cared that much before. but now that i'm trying to do something for myself for a change, i do care. the thing is that P and i both feel that she will try and mess things up for me just to keep things exactly how they are, easy for her. i'd like to say that i don't understand why everyone else rips her apart behind her back, but i can't. i'm starting to think that years of defending her was a wasted effort.

me: taye diggs is on will & grace now.
D: oh really?
me: yeah, he's will's new boyfriend. it looks like they're ending the series with the two of them together.
D: i didn't know that.
me: i wish they would have gone with bobby cannavale, it would have been a little more believable that way.
D: yeah i liked him.
me: at least they were together for more than two episodes. or patrick dempsey even.
D: i forgot about him. he reminds me of the guy from grey's anatomy.
me: um, patrick dempsey reminds you of...patrick dempsey?
D: wait, what?
me: it's the same guy.
D: ooooh, well i thought they looked a lot alike. i guess that explains it.

i know she'll look at this as a betrayal, an act of desertion. she tends to make everything about her, and how it affects her, and what will change for her. but i think this could be a good thing, a very good thing. you can only bend for so long until you feel yourself begin to splinter, you know a complete break isn't far off. and it's true, i know i can't live myself for other people. i'm on pause, i'm going no where through my own efforts, or general lack thereof. i can't place the blame on anyone else, no matter ho much i'd like to, no matter how easy it is. my only fear is that i take this turn, something will go wrong, and i won't be able to bounce back from it. people tell me i'm stronger than i think i am, but at times i wonder. i know how fragile my mental state has been these past few weeks. i can take a step back and see these changes in me. i have no idea how any of it came to be, but it's there. i can see my dad in so much of me lately, and i guess it scares me a little bit. no that he wasn't a good man, it's just that for so reason i only seem to be calling on the negative aspects of his personality for mine, and not the stronger better ones, and i guess that's what has me worried. it's a lot more work, and it's a lot harder work, and i just feel that i finally need to stand up for myself and hold out for what i deserve. and not just accept things as they're being offered. i tend to make these huge life changes on a whim when it takes me an hour to decide what shirt to wear. then again, maybe i know myself better than i give myself credit for and i've known what i should do all along. it was as if i came to the point where i said that something needed to be done, and i grew to accept that and believe in it and this just happened to come along right at the moment when i made my decision. a case of serendipity.

i do find it funny that as i drove into work this morning, listening to jenny lewis, i told myself that today was the day that my life was going to change. a stuart smalley moment of my very own. and it did. an offer is on the table, and my uncle passed away. i'm still in a bit of fog over both those things.