sitting there, lying there, wondering when it all will be over. tired and exhausted from doing absolutely nothing at all. i can't really see the clock from where i am so i stare at the wall. at the fluorescent lights above. at the holes in the ceiling tiles. at the blanket that i'm under. i didn't exactly expect it to be like this. and i'm wondering what it is i did to bring it on. to cause it. could it have been prevented? was it inherited? it stands in the way of me living the life that i dream about. that i spent years planning out. and it's not so much that i feel sorry for myself, it's more that i'm annoyed. i'm the youngest one here by years, many years. this is something that you grow to expect as you reach the end of your life, not when you see thirty. just when i start to get to where i always wanted to be, i get the news. then the surgery, then the greatest summer in a long time, then the reflection in the mirror and the shock of what it all did. so then i start over, and i work at it again. and i'm getting there, i can see and feel that i'm getting there. but once i get to where i want to be, how long will it last this time? what's going to come along next time? i can't afford these treatments for the rest of my life, no matter how much the insurance covers. my dream house from when i was a little kid is up for sale, i want that house. i can't afford that house. i want to go to london with lisa next spring. i want to quit my job and go back to school, but i can't not have insurance. i finally have a five year plan and i have no idea how to go about making any of it happen.

the descent

i seriously have not been this disturbed by a cinematic experience since seeing the blair witch project for the first time on opening night. some of the parts you could see coming from a mile away, but were still hard to sit through. others arrived with a little twist, hello pick axe to the throat. lisa screamed, loudly, at least two times. that made me laugh so hard. she claimed to pee a little at one part. and i almost tossed my cookies at one scene. i've seen many a horror flick in my day and never have i had a reaction like that. i started choking when i felt the near puke incident, this time it was lisa's turn to laugh. i heard a few things about the movie taking place in the appalachian mountains, and it being compared to a deliverance experience, so naturally i expected the big bad to be a hillbilly or group of hillbillies if you will. yeah, i could not have been more wrong about that. i sent my sister a text telling her to steer clear of this movie, knowing that she would hate it. "do not see this movie, much like kenny rogers' chicken, it will mess you up." don't get me wrong, i loved it. it was beyond disgusting, disturbing, seriously scary, well paced, and something i won't soon forget. even lisa thanked me about ten times for suggesting the movie, and for taking her to a scary movie that actually lived up to all the hype. i'm just not sure that i'd be able to sit through it again, as i do with the blair witch project every year at halloween.