The boy who was made of glass.

He sometimes forgets that he has a heart that beats. There are tiny cracks if you look close enough. If you get close enough to see, but the chances of that are slim. He keeps you out, he keeps everyone out. He’s afraid of letting anyone get too close. They tell him he’s sweet, and kind, and loving but mostly he just feels mean and cold. Cold to the touch, cold to his core. When you touch him you can feel his muscles tense up at your grip, his heart begin to beat a little faster, his breath become more rapid. You can’t love someone who doesn’t let you in. Someone who doesn't allow you to. Someone who can’t even love himself. He sits up on a shelf somewhere, far out of reach. He thinks he’s safe that way, but doesn’t that just make him more susceptible to a fall, to a break?

The only time he remembers that he is blood and bones, and not glass after all, is when a tear or two begins to fall down his face. But if he is real and vulnerable, then that’s a little scarier still. Why can’t he feel anything? Why does he have to shake himself so hard every day just to remind himself that he is alive. That this is real. That things aren’t working. That the cracks are there. That there isn’t enough distance in the world to keep people from seeing them any longer.

it's almost too cold for flip-flops. the leaves are turning their colors. you can feel the coldness in the air brush against your skin. the car windows slowly crawl up. the sleeves on your arms slowly get longer. i'm intelligent, and i need to stop saying otherwise, i'm just not living up to my potential. at least that's what he said. i guess that's one less depressing way to look at things. she calls me babe and it makes me smile. he said i look better than i have in years. he's not sure how i do it, but i look happy. she tells me my face is looking skinny. as i inch closer and closer the goal grows a little less depressing. less out of reach. grey's anatomy is back. now there's too much on tv. the movies are slowly getting better. and so is the music. life just feels different. every summer i tell myself this will be the fall that i finally have my sam and amanda moment. and every fall comes and goes, then i see the snow and realize i'll have to make the plans all over again for the following year. something tells me this year won't be the exception.

i decided to get back to the land of the living. making plans, and sticking with the follow through. going out and doing, being. not just sitting, wishing, writing and reminiscing.

nothing huge or monumental has gone down. i wish there were exciting things to retell, to remember, to excuse, to explain exactly what i've been up to these days. sadly, that isn't the case. i'm still existing in my comfortable little nook in this universe. but if feels good to go out and be me again. the movies, the dinners, the parties, the drinks...and not the ones alone in the dark. i'd love to say that i was happy, but that would be a lie. happier covers it at least, without the slightest trace of a lie.

i still drive to work and feel the pull of the on-ramp to the expressway, just feet away from where i turn in for my building. i still want to just press the pedal down and start over in michigan, but it would be impossible to leave behind the reality that i can trick myself into forgetting about in my daydreams. so i stay. so i'm here. so i'm changing, tiny little fractures at a time. but it's a start at least. and i guess i'm okay with that, for now.

i've been sick, but i'm alive, so i guess i should stop feeling so damn sorry for myself. a month of melancholy is more than enough i think.

so where were we...

so jules and i saw the last kiss. i wanted to like it more than i did. i spoke with my sister on the phone and we pretty much had the exact same reaction to the movie. i love scrubs, i heart zach braff, garden state is in my top five, but this movie just didn't blow me away. and i wanted it to blow me away. it wasn't a bad movie by any means, i've seen plenty of those to know the difference. it just wasn't a garden state, wow the movie ended and i'm thinking about sitting right in this very spot through another showing, kind of movie. but slowly it did get to me, and the more i thought about it, it really began to mess with me. the last half hour was filled with a few great scenes and some pretty amazing words, it just sucks that it all came so late in the movie. i may or may not have had a minor mental break down sunday night in bed because of it, i'm not really sure. or maybe it was because i came home and felt the need to watch the original on dvd hours after sitting through the remake, that may not have been the wisest move.

ms. b's 30th event

i picked G up at her mother's and we headed over to the girls' mom's place for the bonfire. we made a quick stop at a drive-thru so G cold get some libations. after i unsuccessfully tried to talk her into buying a huge jug of wine and drinking it through a straw, she settled on beer. i had a six pack, and she opted for the twelve. she said that she was going to take what was left over home with her. she was almost too embarrassed to walk in carrying that much beer but i assured her that everyone would be too drunk to notice. it was pretty sunny in the front yard so we left on sunglasses on, as we made our way to the back we realized how much more shaded it was. we stepped out onto the deck and kind of stood there, in the shade, in our sunglasses looking down on everyone else. we quickly decided that our glasses weren't needed since we looked like rockstars, and everyone was looking at us like we were crazy people. so we had a beer or two and stood at chatted. the girls' mom, who i've known for twenty or so years, totally blew me off in the garage and walked right past me. five minutes later she was hugging me and telling me that her old age made her not realize who i even was. she apologized for that all night. ms. b was beyond gone, we got a hug and a hi out of her and then she sat back down.

G: you look cute, is this new?
me: nope, but these are the jeans i bought for the indians game, when it was too hot to wear jeans.
G: really? they’re cute.
me: they’re making their debut tonight.
G: really? this is the first time you’ve worn them?
me: well, i’ve worn them, but none of you have seen them.
G: oh.
me: listen to me, i’m talking about my jeans as if you care, as if they matter, as if anyone would notice.
(much later on)
ms. b: J i love your jeans, they’re too cool. they’re like rockstar jeans.

G: why is he being like that?
why is he acting like that?
why is he totally ignoring us?
why would they come and stay for five minutes?
me: why bring your kid to a drunkfest, why not get a sitter?
why is it that we’re always so critical of everyone else?
G: um, hello, it’s because we are totally perfect.

i thought it would be fun to bring some fireworks to the party since we'd be outside. half of them wouldn't light, the other ones didn't do much besides smoke, we did however get to relive our childhood with some sparklers. scott kept tossing the duds into the fire while ms. b threw bang snaps at everyone. we were pretty sure that we were going to blow up at one point.

later, i ran into the garage to get a couple beers for G and i and discovered that hers had been pilfered. so i threw some more on ice and took a warm one to her. she shrugged it off and said it wasn't a big deal. as the night went on i think six of hers ended up disappearing, but no one touched mine. i told her that clearly the lesson to be learned was that she needed to start drinking killian's like me, since no one touched mine.

we kept walking off to have our own private little conversations, how unusual i know, but different people kept joining us to see what we were talking about. we were mainly discussing boys and tv but every time someone asked us what we were talking about we'd say we were talking about them. no one really bought it though because they'd end up just sitting down and talking to us. we ran inside so G could grab a bite to eat, and of course to talk some more. i spotted some chips on top of the refrigerator and helped myself. i said i hoped that no one would mind but didn't think so since they were sitting right there. G laughed at me and said, "oh yes they're sitting right out in the open, tucked all the way up there, out of site."

we looked outside and noticed that the chairs i brought for us had moved closer to the fire, and someone was actually sitting in G's.

G: is someone sitting in our chairs?
me: yeah.
G: well, what are we gonna do, where are we supposed to sit?
me: well i don't know what you're going to do, but mine’s vacant.

ms k. found us standing in the kitchen looking at a star magazine and drinking while everyone else was outside.

ms. k: um this might sound weird but does anyone else smell that fishy smell?
me: oh thank god, i started smelling it like two hours ago and i thought it was me!
ms. k: no i can smell it too.
me: i don’t know what it is but i’m just glad it’s not me.
G: (laughing) um, why would you smell like fish?
me: i dunno.

we eventually lured everyone into the house with us, we sat around in the front room and talked for an hour or so before we all started fading. a little after midnight G and i decided that we were going to head for home. we said our goodbyes, almost got backed into at one point, and drove off. it was just a nice relaxing night of good conversation, a few laughs, and some good friends. i think it was just what i needed.