lately i've been wishing death upon my neighbor. nothing painful, nothing elaborate. i just secretly wish the sound of his unnecessarily loud muffler as it roars down the street at all hours: 4am, 7pm... is really the sound of his car moments away from blowing up.

i picked up augusten burroughs' "dry" the other day. as i make my way through it i can't help but think it's having the wrong affect on me. i think it's a praise for sobriety, but as i read it i've been craving a drink. 100 and something days without so much as a drop, and now this book is making me want.

the other day i hatched a plan to shove janitor evil down the garbage shoot, not really but an imagination is a fun toy. i felt horrible thinking it and even saying it to D until today when will stops me and says,"you know we could just shove him down the garbage shoot and no one would know." too funny.

one of the greatest sounds ever is that of lisa screaming, choking, and gasping for air because she’s laughing so hard while being exposed to borat for the very first time. she said that she tried her best to stifle her laughter for fear that the other people in the theater would think that something was wrong with her. when she yelled out testes i’m pretty sure it was a lost cause.

i told her a month ago i had a movie she had to see, but i couldn’t tell her what it was or what it was about. i told her to trust me and that she would absolutely love it. she did and she did. as we hugged and said goodbye in the parking lot she made me promise to call her if i planned on seeing it again. somehow i knew she would like it.

today was movie sunday with jules. we opted to find a place for brunch before instead of lunch after the movie. i'm all about shaking things up these days. earlier in the week jules emails me and asks me if i know of any places around the theater that open that early on a sunday. i give her four options, she emails me back and suggests another place. too funny. i'm reminded of G always saying she doesn't care where we eat, it's my pick, any place is fine. then i pick, and she's instantly craving someplace else. jules isn't like that at all, it just made me smile. so i'm one minute late for the meet up time as i pull up to the intersection by the restaurant. as my phone begins to play a little mat kearney i see that jules is calling me. turns out the restaurant isn't open yet. a place that advertises breakfast doesn't open until 11, okay. so we head for the least busiest restaurant we can find. shortly we find ourselves inside a waffle house where i feel slightly over dressed. in jeans and an oxford, i feel slightly over dressed. i'm a bit taken back by the menu, everything comes separately and i have a hard time trying to find everything to put it together. as i'm ordering my waffle i realize that i am in fact ordering a waffle, seconds before for some reason i was thinking that it was french toast. as i say waffle i begin to wonder if i even like waffles, then i come to the conclusion that the only waffle i've ever had was an eggo. so again, i'm in for a new experience. it wound up being pretty good, and the sausage was pretty yummy too. after talking for an hour or so and attempting to hammer out some plans for the upcoming JT concert we make our way to the theater. jules doesn't remember telling me how much she wanted to see running with scissors and asks me what it's even about. she seems to recollect what the movie is about when i tell her who is in it. however i begin to wonder if she's just doing that to be polite. since i picked the science of sleep last month i begin to worry that she will wind up hating this movie as well. luckily that isn't the case. when the movie ends she yells out that she can't believe it was a true story. i'm constantly surprised when someone isn't as popculturally advanced as i am. she's a lawyer and one of the smartest people i know yet movie trivia seems to be lost on her. maybe that's how she views me when it comes to my lack of political knowledge. i liked the movie, it was what i expected it to be. i knew i'd like the book so much better, and i did. but i wasn't let down by the movie. there were a few changes that annoyed me a bit. the soundtrack was pretty sweet. evan rachel wood chews apart every single scene that she's in, as she always does. and it further established my ever growing crush on ryan murphy's body of work.

hmm, a fairy tale for adults. maybe m. knight should take some notes, since his similar attempt this past summer fell a little short. and by a little i mean a lot. it was like the little princess meets the neverending story (one of my favorites as a kid), but a little creepier and a lot more violent. i'm glad it had a wider open, and i'm glad i decided to check it out. since it's my first of 2007 i'll put it in my top 10, it probabbly won't make the top 5, but i'll go with top 10 for now. i mean i have eleven more months to work with here.

D: i'm hot.
P: i'm cold.
D: i'm hot, i'm hot hot hot.
me: that's what all the ladies say.
D: i'm a hot lesbian.
me: you better watch out tomorrow night at the party.
P: i already warned her she wasn't getting anywhere with me.
D: that's no fun.
P: maybe she'll try to slow dance with me.
me: and rest her head on your bosom?

me: are you wearing dresses with lots of cleavage?
D: right.
P: and short skirts.
D: my cleavage will be pushed together, it will be so long it'll look like a butt-crack.
me: i'll see you later, i need to go vomit.

that was supposed to be a beginning. a fresh start. when i finally began living my life. but something on the way to there got twisted, and it wound up becoming the end of me. i don't smile. i don't laugh. i don't feel. it all just ended.

i pick up D and we head to pick up some shelves from the video store that went out of business. we go to the main desk to tell them who we are and why we're there. they escort us to the shelves and tell us to knock ourselves out. no one ever comes back. we decide that we could have walked out of the store with so much stuff had we been the dishonest type. i get the one shelf apart from the row of shelves and soon discover that it doesn't break down any further. i begin to wonder how i'm going to get even one shelf in my car considering we went there for two. i have a blazer, but something is telling me the shelf is too big. i begin to measure it with the screwdriver that i have while D wanders off to purchase one she just saw at the front desk. so there i am standing alone in the dark in a closed department with a screwdriver in my hand. she comes back with the tape measure and we figure it all out. we decide to stop at the front desk and let them know that we're going to go out and measure my car and then come back in for the shelf that we quasi dismantled already. they don't really seem to care one way or another. the shelf measures 60 inches tall. i pull out the tape measure and discover that the height of the back end of my car is 75, no problem it will totally fit. D asks me if i'm sure. i tell her that's what the tape measurer says. i then realize that i'm now looking at centimeters and not inches. measuring it the correct way i soon discover that the shelf is in fact twice the size of the opening. she laughs at me for a good solid minute before we decide to get in the car and leave. i tell her that no one inside seemed to really care that we were even there, so why bother going back in to explain our situation.

we run into some traffic and D informs me that lance bass is in the car in front of us. i look at the car and try to figure out where she drew that conclusion. i then notice the license plate that says, "bass 08" and laugh at her. i take my phone out to try and get a picture of it to send to my cousin. i inch closer while D fears that i'll end up hitting the car as i attempt to take the picture. we make it out of traffic and i turn left. i begin to look around and realize i went the wrong way. i say this out loud and D tells me she knew that but assumed i knew what i was doing. we get to some train tracks just when a train approaches so we decide to turn around and head back to the right road. as i turn left and head down the way i was supposed to go we arrive at another set of tracks, and meet up with the train again. finally escaping the train, we're on our way.

i realize that i only remembered to get one birthday card when in fact i needed to. i tell her that i can't show up to dinner and only give one card, so we decide to stop somewhere along the way. our quick stop for some shelves is now in its second hour. we spot a discount drug mart and she points for me to stop. i tell her that this is a wise choice since discount drug mart saves you the run around, you'll find everything you need. (their little slogan) i buy my card, and she buys one just because, and we head back out to the car. i ask her if she has a pen and she says no. i don't have one so i decide to go back in now to buy a stupid pen. luckily she finds one in the bottom of her purse and hands it to me. i start signing the card when i realize the pen writes in lime green ink. i ask her if she could have found a gayer pen in her purse, she laughs and hands me a black one. i thank her for giving it to me two minutes too late. she tells me that green is D2's favorite color, so she'll like it. i just roll my eyes and drive off. after i turn right and make my way onto the main road she tells me to go left. i tell her that she's not the most helpful person telling me what to do after i've just done the opposite thing. she talks me into two "short cuts" along the way. one taking just as long as the way i was going, and the other taking us out of our way and around the block. again, i thank her for being so helpful.

once inside the restaurant she orders the strongest most disgusting drink i've ever seen. D3 and i can smell the alcohol in it from across the table. she tries to get me to try it but i tell her it smells way to flammable for me. after three sips she begins to get a little tipsy. i announce that it's going to be a long car ride home, especially if D gets all grabby. lisa shows up. we eat way too much food. i'm disturbed by the amount of seafood that surronds me. everyone laughs when my chicken shows up, leave it to me to order chicken at a seafood place. our waitress puts everyone's orders on one bill, gets confused and has us explain who had what three times, then wanders off to fix the bill. i should have known that we were in trouble when i asked her how large the large portion of my meal was and she answered with, "larger than the small."

i spent the weekend trying to get rid of this week long cold type thing i've had. my original plan was to try and hang out with G or ms. b since i rarely feel up to doing anything anymore. my cold had another idea. so i had a little men in trees mini-marathon, and i'm finally all caught up. i fell pretty hard for the first four episodes, that's when i decided to start saving them. somewhere in the middle i started to question my love for it, but the show eventually picked back up. i don't see what all the fuss about jack is. he's okay, but i'm all about the new character sam, plow man. nice. i hope he sticks around.

in between men in trees episodes i also picked up, and couldn't put down, the book the boy detective fails. it was sweet, and touching, and odd, and funny...i loved it. i just hate when a good book ends because it takes so long for me to find another one that sucks me in. i talked to my sister yesterday and told her that i decided to re-read wuthering heights yet again since i didn't really have anything else to check out right now. she thought it was kind of freaky that we both decided to re-read that book at the same time.

i need to stop watching brothers & sisters, i'm tired of getting all teary-eyed at the end of every episode. greg berlanti breaks my heart every monday through friday at 6 p.m. when i re-visit everwood on abc family, and now he's getting to me sunday nights as well.

i pick g up for a late lunch and some shopping. we head to chilli's because i'm craving some soup. she changes our mind for us and we end up at bravo instead. we get out of the car and g discovers some sort of foreign object all over her shoe. she hopes it's just mud. when i see it all over my mat and my car i really hope that it's just mud. our waiter is a fifty-year-old diva who grows increasingly impatient with the length of time it takes g to decide on her order. we look at one another in shock and wonder if what's happening is real. later he comes back with our food and he's insanely nice and bubbly. i decide that we have a bi-polar waiter. or maybe he has an evil twin. either way, i'm not impressed. g looks at my new phone and asks me if it's the enV. i tell her that it is and she asks me if i care if she gets the exact same phone. i tell her i completely understand, it's called the enV after all, how could she not?

after lunch she mentions swinging by the mall so i can look for my foxtrot calendar. in typical fashion she gives me a hard time for stressing over my parking spot. i try to explain that the reason why my car is dent free is because i park 100 miles away but she's not having any of it. she drags me into bath and body works and forces me to look at makeup with her. i try to explain to her that though i may like boys, i'm not in fact a girl. my protest goes unnoticed. i lose the ability to breathe after being in the store for over half an hour, it's good to know that i'm still allergic to flowers and the like.

i find my calendar, she leaves what's left of the unknown matter that was on her shoe on a rack at the bookstore. we head to look for more makeup and i run into some people from work. we briefly chat and then wander off again. we do a once around the food court so g can find a beverage. she settles on a smoothie with a fat stripper shot thrown in. as we make our way back to the car she discovers a hair in her smoothie. i tell her that maybe that has something to do with the fat stripper element. once you find the hair you gag and then vomit up all the food you consume that day, thus losing weight.

we find the car and head for home. she tells me that she wound up getting the day after the holiday off and invites me to a couple of parties that she knows of. i think about it, plan on it, and then change my mind one hundred times on the drive home. i begin to feel like i'm getting sick, i decide to just stay home and get drunk, alone. i turn on the seinfeld marathon, tell g i'm not going to make it, she says that she's staying home on her couch as well. i decide not to drink after realizing i somehow made it 77 days without having a single drop of alcohol. i wind up falling asleep on the couch for an hour, missing two quality episodes of seinfeld. when i wake up i really feel like i'm about to die. i catch the ball drop, and some of the insanity on mtv. i read two more chapters of my book, and call it a night by 12:30 am. i'm reminded of the one new year's eve when i stayed home with my grandpa while my mom and dad went to one party and my sister another when i was in junior high. i sat up in my bed and read to kill a mockingbird, turned on the tv long enough to catch the ball drop, and then went back to my book. at the time i felt kind of guilty for leaving my grandpa alone in another room. now that he's gone i regret it a lot more.