and i'm not ready for this sort of thing

being at the counting crows/live/collective soul concert last night was like stepping into a time machine, coming out the other side in 1995. a nonstop flood of memories and emotions, in the best way possible. it was kind of like being in a movie with a musical montage that flashes back to all these different points in time. or when a beloved character drives off a cliff on a soap opera and they play songs when the other characters think back to their favorite times together, before the dead character comes back to town six months later. or maybe that's just me and my semi-warped pop-culture saturated mind's take on things. i guess i didn't realize how many memories i have attached to different counting crows songs.

we managed to catch the last song by collective soul because, wait for it, lisa was running late. i love her, she's one of the most amazing people i've ever met, so it's impossible to ever look at her tardiness as a flaw. we were meeting at 5. then she called to say 5:15 was more probable. she eventually showed up at 5:40. she swore that she wasn't the reason why we missed all of collective soul. we did drive through an insane mess of torrential rains. as we headed north i grew more and more worried, the concert was outside after all, it didn't look hopeful that we'd escape getting soaked. however, once we made it to town the sky was sunny and clear and there wasn't even a sign of rain on the ground. it turned out that the concert was held in the nicest ballpark i've ever been in. and you had a choice of sitting in a seat, or standing on the field in front of the stage. so we opted to sit during live but couldn't resist the urge to get closer to adam duritz once the counting crows came on. seeing them live in columbus with my sister in 2000 or 2001 was one of my top five favorite concert moments ever. last night's came pretty close taking that one's place. they seemed happy and refreshed and genuinely enjoyed being on stage. i guess two years off really did them a lot of good. it was the perfect night for an outdoor summer concert. a nice breeze, not to hot, not rain, perfection.

when live started singing i flashed back to tara at the end of our high school days. she really liked them, and oftentimes would put a live song on one of her famous mix tapes that she would struggle over creating. she spent days on those things and to be honest introduced me to the concept of them in the first place. thanks to her i eventually started making my own, which eventually turned into the famous "quotey tapes" and later ones with my own designed covers. i sat there listening to live and found myself thinking of her, getting lost in a memory i hadn't thought about in so long. i wondered if she still liked live. if she made mix cds now. and if she was finally happy.

then with the counting crows' set it was an avalanche of memories without much of a break. they sang anna begins and my heart broke on the spot, that being my favorite song of theirs and one of my top ten favorite songs ever. i thought about the party at ms. k's that one summer where brian r. and my sister had that deep conversation about that song. when the dusted off miami, my second favorite song of theirs, i thought it would be more than my fragile little heart could take. i couldn't stop thinking about the boy and how i put that song on a mix for him. and how it eventually became a song that neither one of us could hear without missing the other. goodnight elizabeth made me think of the night that ms. k and i watched party of five in my basement. we both left work and met up for some quality beer and sad tv consumption. two drunken fools sitting on a pillow in the basement, eating an entire jar of my mom's homemade pickles. attempting to hide our beer cans, and drunkenness, from her when walked in on us. a long december had about one hundred different memories attached to it. it will forever remind me of the summer that ms. k and i met up with sister and a couple of her friends at blossom. they drove down from school and we spent another summer night, dodging rain, sitting on a lawn at a concert. earlier there had been some debate about the line, "drove up to hillside manor sometime after 2 a.m." i had insisted that what he really was saying was, "drove up to hillside, met her sometime after 2 a.m." of course i was wrong. much like being wrong about the lyrics to where have all the cowboys gone and thinking that the lead singer of hanson was a cute girl, but alas those are stories for another time. anyway, as that line was sung that night my sister and her friends yelled out the correct lyrics to me as we all laughed. that song also makes me think of the first christmas we had after my dad passed away, and how sad and depressing it was just in general. i remember hearing the line, "maybe this year will be better than the last" and hoping that would be true.

as we walked back to the car lisa kept thanking me for asking her to go with me. she loved it as much as i did couldn't stop talking about how great they were. as we sat there in traffic attempting to get out of the lot she put on august and everything after and i smiled. when we finally tore off out of the lot and made our way to the highway i had a charlie, from the perks of being a wallflower, moment. music blaring, the summer air hitting me in the face. i just smiled and thought to myself that i knew what he meant when he said he felt infinite.

i'm fearing that the concert curse is rearing its ugly head once again.

if they're not canceling on me: dixie chicks + about twenty others
a freak blizzard occurs: dido
or a monsoon hits(in ohio no less): nsync.

it's been raining here all day. we're supposed to see the counting crows tonight at a ballpark in cleveland. rain or shine, no umbrellas, no chairs. we've had two inches of rain all summer long, so of course it picks the one day that i'm stuck outside on a ball field to rain. maybe it's just the counting crows being in ohio that brings on the rain. the last time we saw them, a few summers back, it poured. we were safe and dry under a pavilion but the lawn people got soaked. being soaked at a concert when you're 21 is one thing, but i'm old now. and i'm not down with having soggy underwear.

7.10.07

Tuesday:
Will finds me to let me know the latest gossip. I guess Dave from one of the other departments killed himself the night before. I’m pretty sure that department is cursed, in the last few months: one guy died, one guy got fired because he couldn’t NOT come to work drunk or high, and now Dave killed himself. It’s so weird to think about him a day or so ago walking by me saying hi, and then to think of him dead. D later informs me that Dave’s wife became a bit unhinged, rightfully so, and came to work making threats and such. I begin to get a case of the freak outs after hearing this since my little office area is right next to the door and she would have to pass by me to get to his department. Here’s hoping I don’t get shot.

Okay, let’s discuss Big Brother 8 shall we? Amber, I really liked you, then you became oddly annoying. Not in a way that I can pinpoint exactly what it is or even when it happened that I began to get annoyed by you. You’re the token reality show player who somehow thinks God really is rooting for you to win a game show on tv. I just don’t get it. Don’t you think he has a little larger issues on his plate? I’m just saying. Nick finally spoke, then walked around shirtless and flirted with everyone in the house. The crazy thing is that he’s so good at it, and as a viewer you know he’s playing everyone, yet somehow he comes across as being sincere. I blushed a few times and felt a bit lightheaded. I love you. Jameka, you’re trying to win power of veto and discover that someone has dumped out your bag of dirty panties. What do you do? You stop playing and take the time to shake your head in disapproval as you pack up your drawers. I’m loving you more and more. Daniele, I didn’t think it would be possible, but I’m beginning to warm up to you. I think it just might be fun to watch you cause trouble and stir things up. But let’s be honest here, you honestly thought it was “shocking” that you chose NOT to use the veto. Really? And Kail, “scotch free”? please shut the hell up and go home. I vomit in my mouth when you speak in that odd robot voice of yours and I’m having some serious flashbacks to Maggie from BB6.

7.09.07

Monday:
I rush home to catch up on Big Brother 8 from the night before. That odd talking bitch voted in Amber? Seriously? She hates the gays, and aligns herself with a group of guys. She sounds just like the Target Lady from SNL every time she opens her mouth. She says things like, “Two people IS nominated,“ and “Three people WAS exempt from being nominated.“ You “run a small town” and you speak like that? Wow, what does that say about the other people in your little town? Each summer I find it odd that I can muster up such huge amounts of hate for complete strangers, but she makes it so easy.

7.08.07

Sunday:
I burn the last of the four Men In Trees that I needed to DVD, along with the first four Kyle XY episodes from this season. Copious amounts of HGTV, the Travel Channel, and Food Network shows are watched. I don’t get much else done, but it’s over 90 degrees outside and I made a serious amount of room on the DVR so I fell as though I had a productive day overall.

BB8

after episode 1, and basing my opinion on little more than the superficial, here are my favorites:


she seems like the girl i'm always drawn to in a crowd of strangers. real, sincere, with the potential for some bitchiness.


i don't care if he pees fire, i just find him adorable.


dorky, and we get to control him? how fun.


i love her little one-liners.


i have to be honest, i'm basing it all on the sight of him squatting on that giant mushroom. there, i said it.


he brings the eye-candy goodness a bit more than mike, but i've yet to hear him say much.



none of them are Janelle, or even come close, but i guess after two summers with her it's time to let go and move on.

7.05.07

Thursday:
I do very little outside of enjoying my extra day off from work and getting all caught up on Kyle XY. Oh Lori Trager, I think I have a crush on you. I wasn't sure about season two initially, but it seems to have found some direction and I'm really digging it now.

7.04.07

so much fun.

Independence Day:
I awake early to discover, as per usual when I’m off, there is nothing on tv worth watching in the a.m. Maybe it’s not just when I’m off, maybe this is always the case. I find the same three workout/exercise infomercials on 100 different channels and feel terrible about my body. I resolve to get back to working on my fitness... tomorrow. The mom and I head to old navy so I can exchange some shorts and pick up a black zip hoodie I’ve been regretting not buying since the last time I was there. I find more new sheets at bed, bath & beyond and swear to myself that this will be my last set. We swing by bennigan’s for lunch and plot out our day. I’m still waiting to hear from G to find out what her day looks like, it’s almost noon and she’s not awake yet. I’m jealous of her life even more. My mom speaks of a barbecue at my uncle’s and we wonder if the weather will cooperate with us. When G and I finally get to strategizing about our day we opt for a later meet up so she can get something done with her day, for she just awoke. So I suck it up and offer to go to the picnic with my mother. Holidays really are all about doing things you really don’t want to do with family you really don’t want to see. I love my uncle and his girlfriend, and my aunt who are all rumored to be in attendance, I just dread making the small talk with the mass of cousins whom I have zip in common with. The whole time that I’m there I’m saying a quiet little prayer in my head that I somehow turned invisible and wouldn’t have to make with the chit chat. Shockingly enough, this does not work. I have a burger and not much else since everything on the menu pretty much involves mayonnaise in some way. We sit and enjoy the weather for two hours, my mother grows tired, and we head home. I text G to let her know I’ll be about 15 minutes later than expected since we left my uncle’s later than planned. She asks if it could be thirty minutes since she is running around like a crazy person trying to get ready. G and Lisa are the only two people I know who do not work, yet always seem to be running late. Too funny. I get home then turn around and leave again. We meet at the theater and try to decide between Transformers and Live Free or Die Hard! I tell her I don’t care I want to see both of them so she picks Die Hard.

G: I’d like to be able to say that I’ve seen the trilogy.
Me: But this is the fourth one.
G: What? Nooo.
Me: Yeah, the third one was called With a Vengeance.
G: Are you sure?
Me: I'm pretty sure since I own all three.
G: What was the third one about?
Me: (explaining the story)
G: Well, what was the second one about?
Me: (more with the explaining)
G: Huh, maybe I’ve only ever seen the first one.

So Die Hard it is. We purchase our tickets then decide to find a place to get one or several drinks and a snack. We try our luck at the Mexican place for chips and margaritas, sadly they are closed. I tell G that this is the second Mexican restaurant that I’ve seen closed today, obviously they are far more patriotic than your average bar & grill type establishments. So we trek back to our usual, Friday’s. We go there because it’s across the parking lot form the movie theater, we can drink and walk if necessary and not have to worry. Everything G wants they are out of, or tastes odd. She gets a free dessert out of this, which she finds disgusting. I opt to drink and drink only. I have two drinks and feel pretty tipsy. We close down the place and head for our movie. It was fast-paced, funny, over the top, and just all around awesome. G found some of the action sequences a bit hard to believe, I inform her that all the Die Hards are like that. I tell her that the only part that I found unbelievable was that John McClain, a cop, had a 401k. Other than that everything else was pretty much plausible. We said our goodbyes shortly after 1 a.m. and I came home and died.

*to be fair, justin long should be rocking that poster as well, he pretty much steals the entire movie away from bruce willis.

7.02.07

Monday:
Work is crazy busy. I tricked myself into thinking it was going to be a good day, Mondays have been lately. By 8 I was calling myself a dirty lying whore. Gotta love a holiday week. I work over, thus thwarting my desire to work on the tan. I hit the post office, and run to the bank in town to pay some bills. I end the day with two more episodes of Kitchen Confidential. Three Sunday, two today, and disc one is almost knocked off. At this rate I should be done with disc two by the weekend, unless I spend all of my free time at the movies.

7.01.07

Sunday:
For the first time in maybe five years I decide to pull out the old photo albums and finger through them. Every gathering, major event and group vacation from 18 to 25 is well documented because I was a picture taking freak. I’m not sure what happened or what changed but for some reason I just stopped taking pictures. But there it all was, so many memories I hadn’t thought about in so long. Me 100 pounds heavier, with more hair, a goatee. How different everyone else looked too. We were happy and young and closer once. And so much of that has changed. I’ve been thinking that I was fine without some of them still in my life, more than the once a year, major event pleasantries. But looking at some of those pictures made me kind of miss them. I miss being young. I miss being carefree. I miss group vacations to Florida, Michigan, Chicago. Of course those tiny moments frozen in time were only the good moments. It’s easier to forget the hurt, the misunderstandings, the break ups, all the things one doesn't usually find in a photo. So fooling myself into believing it was all good and that there really is something perfect worth missing is pretty easy to do. The shiny happy people, all the smiles, staring back, not knowing what lay ahead of them. How it would all end up.

I found a picture of Chrissy S. in one of the albums and I remembered how funny and sweet she was. And then today I decided to go to Burger King for lunch, a place I never go, but I just had a craving. And as I was sitting there waiting for my food I looked behind me in my mirror and there was Chrissy. It’s been 9 or 10 years since I last saw her, I see a picture of her last night, and there she was. As if she were conjured up by magic. Crazy.